My Biggest Fear

I have a big faith in the Lord. I always believed that everything happens for a reason and that the Lord has planned everything even before we set foot on this planet. But an aspect of my life hinders me now to fully believe in that belief that I held on for so many years.

My brother died more than a year ago because of rheumatic heart disease and typhoid fever. Since then, my parents became extra protective of us, their remaining children. They became extra caring to us. But I can feel the detachment they are making to not allow their hearts to be so close to us. As parents, I know that they love us dearly, but because of what had happened to my brother, the trauma left them loving us, their remaining children,in a distance.

Lately, I’ve been sickly and accident prone. I don’t know why. But week after week, I would always have an ailment, an accident and would be down at the sick bed for weeks. My body is weakening and I am feeling a writhing pain occasionally and would fell unconscious without me knowing it. It felt like half of my body is burning,, like big needles where piercing through my right half of the body.

My mom once told me out of the blue, “Ayoko nang mawalan ng isa pang anak.” This statement shocked me. How can I tell her that I am in pain? How can I tell her that I am suffering? Things could have been easier if my mom didnt say that because probably now, I am complaining to them. I am probably telling them now to come home and attend to my needs because I am writhing in pain, alone in this house, with no one else to cry unto.

My biggest fear now is death. I’ve fearing death ever since my brother died. I wasn’t afraid of it before for I know everybody will eventually die.

I fear death not because I am not ready of the consequences it will bring to the people I will leave, not because I don’t see myself lying on the death bed, not because I don’t believe in heaven. I fear death because of my parents.

I saw my brother dying with my own two eyes. I saw my parents broke down when it happened. I saw everything happening before my own two eyes and I can’t do anything about it while it was happening. I was just standing there, like watching a nightmare unfold before my eyes.

I was so afraid. I am still afraid until now. I don’t know how I managed to stand still that night. I don’t know how I managed to stay this sane up to this very moment after a year when that devastating night happened.

I wasn’t allowed to breakdown and cry before because I had to be strong. I had to endure everything. Every tear that I want to shed for my brother, I kept it all inside me so no one can see my heart breaking. I had to be strong for everyone, for my mother who’s in the verge of insanity because her only dear and beloved son has died at a young age, for my sister, who’s very close to my brother, he was her favourite person, and for my father, who can’t show his tears like me because he had to be strong for the family to.

Web Directories are Great!

A couple of weeks ago, I was very disappointed to see my Page Rank slid to zero (0). It was two (2) then. Well, I got really addicted to blogging that's why my blog's rank really is a big deal for me. Hence, with all the efforts I've done, I don't want to waste any moment and be idle. I badly want my PR back, or even higher :D. Luckily, I got to know a web directory site and Max directory where I can submit my blog and be featured as their blog of the day. Yes, that easy. What's great here is that the blogs are chosen randomly to be featured. So, statistically speaking, your blog is of equal chance to be featured. *wink wink* And my PR's back. Sooner, I'm confident that my PR would raise, in time :D

Oh by the way, you can also try submitting your blogs in DMOZ and Yahoo Directories> I'm sure we will both benefit from it because there would be tons of visitors in our blog!

My Christmas wishes..

I'm not fond of making wish lists.. Because I don't believe in them.. Once, when I was young, I made one and that's the end of it.. I didn't make any wish list anymore.. I do make wishes but I don't have faith in them. It's just a mere expression of what I want to receive or happen but it doesn't mean that I believe it will happen,if it comes true, okay, if it doesn't, it's also okay..

But now, I have something I really wanted. I want itt so badly that I need to write it down and wish (and PRAY!) that Santa might read it and tell Jesus to grant me the wish..

I have two big wishes for this Christmas..

1.) Please Let me Graduate this May 2010.

2.) Please Let me have my chance on love.

I know the first is reasonable enough for God to grant my wish. Call me pathetic and desperate, but I still want the second to come true. I do want to fall in love, again, madly, deeply, that I can and don't wanna let go. i want a love that will last forever. This time, the love I'm asking God is what I really want for my future. I want to fall in love and also be loved too. I want to feel loved like I am the most beautiful girl in the whole world. I want to feel God's love through a man the Lord God has destined for me.

Lord, I am not asking much. All I want for Christmas is this two wishes. I am yours and yours alone and I have no complaint on that. Just this two wishes for this Christmas, please Lord.

Mahal ko pa din sya.. pero ngayon, iba na..

Minsan, inakala ko na okay na ko. Akala ko, itong nararamdaman ko, humantong na sa hangganan. Akala ko hindi ko na kaya magmahal. Akala handa na ko sa bagong simula. PEro hindi pa pala.

Nang makita ko sya, mas lalo ko lang napatunayan na isang malaking kalokohan ang ginagawa ko sa sarili ko. Mas lalo ko lang nalaman na hindi naman pala basta basta mawawala ang nararamdaman mo kapag sinabi mong gusto mong magmove on kasi likod palang, maiiyak ka na kasi sobra mo pala syang pinapangarap.

May kaibigang nagsabi sa akin, "tumigil ka na, wag na sya, wag mo na sya pangarapin, wag mo na sya pagpantasyahan."

Gusto ko sana. Pinilit ko naman eh. Ginusto ko naman. Pero wala pa din nangyari. Iba talaga kapag sya lang ang nakikita ng mga mata mo kahit hindi mo naman literal na nakikita sya.

Ayoko sabihing pangarap ko lang sya. Hindi ko sya pinangarap. Kung may choice lang ako, titigil naman talaga ako. Eh anong magagawa ko, nagmamahal ako.. At ang masaklap, hindi nya kayang ibalik ang mga nararamdaman ko.

Ngunit kahit ganun, masaya ang pagmamahal ko. Dahil nagmamahal ako. Wala mang kapalit, okay lang. Kasi hindi ko naman sya pangarap.

Mahal ko sya. Mahal ko pa din sya. Sa kabila ng mga nagdaang panahon, mahal ko pa din sya. Pero ngayon, iba na.

Hanggang dun lang..

"Hanggang tingin lang naman ako sa kanya, bawal lumapit, lalong bawal humawak. Bawal kumapit at bawal umasa." habang nagcecelebrate kami ng mga kaibigan ko kanina sa isang tambayan malapit sa skul, nakita ko sya, sobrang lapit lang, pero hindi ko pwedeng abutin. Alam mo ba yung pakiramdam na hindi ka na makapagpigil at nararamdaman mong bumabaon din ang paningin nya sa'yo, na sa bawat paglingon mo sa direksyon nya, huling huli mo ang mabilis nyang paglingon din nya.

Lingid sa kaalaman ng lahat ng kasama ko na andun ka. Na sa tuwing tatama ang mata ko sa kabuuan mo, may kumukurot sa puso ko, sa bawat lingunan natin pakiramdam ko ay may pangungulila. At ang pinakamasakit, nakikita kong malungkot ang iyong mga mata. Wari bang ipinahihiwatig mong hindi ka naman talaga masaya.

Alam kong hindi ka masaya. Nasasaktan akong makitang malungkot ka. Hindi kita mahawakan. Maalalayan man lang. Hindi pwede. Bawal. Hanggang tingin lang ako. Sana mabasa mo ang mensahe sa mga mata ko. Andito lang naman ako, hinihintay ang bawat sabog ng damdamin mo, bilang KAIBIGAN. Oo. Bilang kaibigan lang.

Pagod at Pahinga..

PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO.PAGOD AKO.PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO.

PAGOD AKO!!!

Kakatapos lang ng sectorcon tapos metrocon na naman ang aatupagin. Napapagod na ko. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung gusto ko pa tong ginagawa ko. Hindi ko na alam kung masaya pa ko o kung ginagawa ko lang 'to dahil kelangan, dahil sabi ng ibang tao. Hindi ko na ata nakikita ang Diyos dito. Parang ayoko na magPROD. Pero wala naman akong magagawa kasi YCOM ako.. At saka ito ang programa ko. Eto naman talaga yung service ko. It's what I do to please and glorify God. Dito ko mapapakita na mahal ko Sya.

Sana nasasabi ko lang 'to kasi pagod ako at hindi dahil hindi na ko natutuwa sa mga ginagawa ko.

*Sinulat ko 'to mga ganitong panahon din nung nakaraang taon. Nahagilap ko lang sa mga credentials ko kasabay ng nakita ko ang nakakaloka kong dalawang grade sa isang subject. Anyway, sa pagbabasa ko nito, nainis ako sa taong nagsulat nito nung nakaraang taon, nainis ako sa dating ako. Puro reklamo, puro kapaguran nalang nya yung inaatupag, puro yung kasiyahan nalang nya yung iniisip. Hmm.. Narealize ko na nakakainis pala ako dati (at least ako nainis sa sarili ko at hindi ang ibang tao). Hindi ko alam kung nagbago ako ngaung taon na 'to eh. Alam ko puro pa din talaga k reklamo. Madami pa din akong inis, madami pa din akong tanong, pero sana may nagbago. Napapagod pa din ako, pero sa pagkakataong 'to, marunong na ko magpahinga sa panahong kinakailangan ng pahinga para hindi umabot sa exhaustion. Para hindi umabot sa sasabog na yung galit ko o yung damdamin ko..Sana sa pagkakataong 'to, naggrow na ko..

Best Friend..

I was browsing through my batchmates in high school's recent photos and I can't help but to think about them..

I wonder how are they doing with their lives.. I don't have news about them for the past years ever since we entered college. Even my closest batch mate since grade school, Kathlene Rapadas, I don't have any definite news about her even though our moms are best friends.

I can't help but reminisce about high school.. Many years has passed.. So many events have occurred and many things should have changed amongst us. I wonder what it is that changed in them.

Yesterday, I chatted with my best friend in high school, Brian Soliven. I'm happy with the change that he showed me. He's so talkative now unlike before. He's open to talk about all things in his life that I need not ask questions just to keep the conversation going. I so miss him. He even encouraged me to get a boyfriend so my christmas won't be lonely, haha, what a friend..:) One of these days, I'll ask him to meet up with me. I so miss him. Only that, he's happy now with his 3-years girlfriend. You see, I loved him before, in high school. I don't love him anymore in a romantic way but sure there is always love in my heart for him as a friend because I was able to see the real him before he changed into a better person know. I loved him before, surely I'll love him more now that his better. I want to be friends again with him. Best friends again, if he'll allow..

Gold's not old

Gold, in my own perspective, is the most precious element of all time. Therefore, once you sell gold or a gold coin, that would really be expensive. For women, when they are given a gold by a man, it's really a great thing and it would really make them flash a big smile on their face.

Do you have any idea where to buy gold or gold coins? In your place, you can visit the nearest pawnshop. But do you know where to buy gold and gold coins online? You can buy gold coins online at goldcoinsagain.com. You can even sell a gold bullion. If you're a gold coins collector, this is the right and best website for you. You can buy affordable gold coins that you've been waiting for a long time.

It's better to buy gold coins online because you can just stay relaxed while shopping for it. You can also avoid the crowd that's waiting for you at the mall which can lead to a stressful day. So what are you waiting for? Visit this website and know what's in store for you.

Decision Making

Making a decision isn't easy, especially when you are dealing about things that are both good for your future.

As of the moment, I am dealing with my decision on staying in Central B as a sector YCOM head. I am thinking that I can no longer stay because in my heart I am not passionate anymore. Also because I feel that I am doing things just for the hang of it. I am doing things as if it's a job and not a thing that I love doing. And most of all, I feel that I can no longer see the point of staying anymore.

On the contrary, I still feel that I have to stay because I have to finish my term this year. Also because, I feel that I still need to train Luis to stand up as the YCOM head. I also feel that I have to build relationship with my YCOM crew.

Honestly, I want to choose not to stay anymore because this will benefit a lot of people around me. And I find peace when I think about it. But still, questions are being raised, and reasons to stay are still showing.

I don't know. Maybe I still have to prayand think more about it..

Romantic Love can Wait..

Awhile ago, I was talking with a close college classmate through text. I asked him if I was able to say or talk about something about not wanting to have a love life or a relationship. And he said, I haven't mentioned anything to him about that in any of our conversations before..

Before that, I was racking my brain about it. Because I am wondering why Diane pointed me during the Metrocon Production Meeting last Thursday when we were talking about the sharer which would share about prioritizing academics over lovelife, not having a love life while studying that is.

As I remember, I am not against relationships, I also want to have a boyfriend, a husband and a family someday. But my parents say that I have to prioritize my studies first. It's not that I can't handle both. But there's a policy in our house so I have to abide it.

Talking about it, looking back, the many things I've done are because my parents say so or they would never allow me to do it, or I was thinking about their reputation. Filial, aren't I?

Another is because, I grew in a community that surrounds me with sibling love and also, my family gave me the love that I needed to suffice until I need to yearn for the other half of my life.

I don't know if I really have fallen in love before but I'm sure I've never been unloved before.

Romantic Love can wait..