In Love

Funny, I don’t know how many times I have fallen in love and got heartbroken. I can’t seem to remember when the 1st time I fell truly in love was. I can’t date it back to grade school. I kind of liked a lot of guys that time but those were just crushes. It can’t be mistaken as love because I was young then.

My first love, I think is my best friend, Jan Brian Kristoffer Soliven. He was my classmate for two years in high school. He is branded as the ultimate playboy together with Sherwin Salceda. I don’t really know why we became best friends. The only thing I can remember was that he used to sit beside me, chat with me, tell me his problems (love,family) and joke around and laugh with me like nobody else can. I saw him court girls and also got heartbroken for awhile when they break u like it was an SOP to get depressed about a break up when he was the one who initiated it. He would always tell me who his prospects were and he would also ask for my opinions, analysis and approval on to which one would he hit on first. When I was doing that, at the back of my mind I was asking myself, “what was I doing?” He’s going to go again. He’ll never be mine. He’ll just be my bestfriend. And truly it was, he only became my best friend and after a year we parted ways. Our batch mates would always criticize him but still I stand by him because I was able to see the real part of him which others won’t see even his girls.

I loved Brian for almost the whole of my high school days, it’s just so sad that we can’t be friends forever. At our final year in high school, no communication was made between us and I’ve gotten involved into other stuff as YFC, so I’ve grown to like working outside the campus.

That was then when I met my first boyfriend, John Ivan Mantiquilla. We were YFC’s and he was my chapter head. I thought I love him. Now that I think about it, I really wasn’t in love with him, I was just enthralled to feeling of being loved because the heart break from Brian was unbearable. I just wanted to tell myself at that time that I am over and done with Brian and that I can prove everyone that I can get myself a boyfriend if I want. Our relationship lasted for two months because of some complications in our families and service. We broke up. We haven’t had a decent and civil communication until we were in third year college. We are now both leading our lives the way it should be. He’s happy with his girl and I am happy yet searching for that someone who’ll make me feel that heaven is here on earth.
College life went on. I liked a lot of guys, mostly my brothers in YFC. I don’t really know if what I felt for them was real so now I refrain from saying I truly love them. Among those are, Kois Roxas, Miko Ramoso, Glen Charles Lopez and Marc Ycaro. I thought I love them but no.

Here comes another one that I think I felt real love in. He’s name is Mark Alvin Yagaya. He is a brother in YFC and the exact of what I dreaded to fall for. He is a SIGA member (less fortunate). He is full of himself even if he doesn’t admit it. When he talks I get hurt. And I think he is dumb. But I fell hard for him. I loved him for most of my college life. But he didn’t like me. Even for a friend I won’t pass. Our relationship was a plain you’re-my-sister-you’re-my-brother-no-more-no-less relationship. I chose to love him even if felt that I am just mocking myself. Because I love the feeling of being in love or the feeling of having someone to regard as someone you love.

Now I admit, I am over and done with Alvin now. He is n longer in my heart, because someone has come to replace him in it. This is my first time, after so many years, to love a person not in the community. I don’t want to say that I love him now. But I feel something for him. He is Mark Lester Gerardo, my classmate. I treat him as a brother because he’s older than me. I have forbidden myself to fall for him because that would mean losing another brother again. Also because someone was courting him and she was also our friend. I also tried not to fall for him because he said he doesn’t want to fall in love yet because of his past relationship failure.
I love the feeling of being in love. I love the feeling of having someone to be regarded as the one you love. I want to experience true love in God’s time because God said, true love waits. I bet I’ll have my love story anytime soon.

One More Time

Why is it hurting this much? I saw their eyes. I know for sure it’s blank. I can’t see me in their eyes. I can’t see the care. I don’t want to admit it but I am hurting. It seems like I don’t know them anymore. It seems like it wasn’t really meant to be that way but it did.

I can clearly remember the day when they offered me to come with them. Although it was wrong, I tried being them because I was desperately in need of friends. No one wants to be my friend in school. Everyone was scared to be an outcast too.
And so I came with them. I tried to be like them, because, really, I was once like them, but I long forgotten that past me because it was for the better, because I can’t glorify God in those ways. But at that time, In my weakest point, I found what I was really yearning to have, FRIENDS.

They offered me experiences that I haven’t experienced with any of my “so-called” before. I experienced love in them. I felt loved and needed for once in my life. And I held on to them like a life support. I held on to them like I was gonna break any moment if I won’t do that. I loved them like no other. I was ready to devote my life in loving them but now, when I think about it, I was really fragile and weak. I can’t afford to get hurt. And I was still doubtful because of all the pains I have experienced before.

Days passed, months passed, summer came and ended, I held on to them, and said that, “This thing should be true. I hope it’ll last forever. I hope I’ll be in their lives forever and vice versa. But after 2 months, everything that I thought was wrong. Everything was a sham. Everything that I hoped for vanished in just one night.
That day, I don’t know their reason why they did that. They said it was just a joke. But I know the difference between a joke and a true hurtful word. Or maybe I am just so fragile to over react on matters like this because, I have been hurt before, so many times. Have I forgotten to tell them that I am weak, that I can’t take hard jokes, that I can’t, in anyway, afford to get hurt at this time in my life? No, I can’t forget that thing to be told to people I trust. I know I told it to three or four of them. And I expect them to always regard me with care. I trusted them with all of me, especially with my fragile heart. But they too shattered me into pieces.
After that incident, I was prepared to forget about them and start all over again. But I think my heart isn’t ready yet. And when the unexpected happened when we all saw each other, I was really devastated because I didn’t expect them to talk to me and work things over. But what am I to do? I am still hurt by the incident. So I did what my heart was telling me, to shoo them away and pretend that I don’t care about them anymore, show them that I can, on my own, live again, be happy again and that I really need them.

It was only yesterday that I saw them and yet I still think about them. I saw Joy, and I know for sure that I really hate her because she’s the one who started everything. I really hate her ever since the day I met her and hated her more when she tried to overturn me to presidency. Next, I saw Lester. I know he saw me at the corridor. But that time I was with Diana and Clarisse, my first real friends when I shifted to Marketing. I thought they have changed but they are still the same friends I met 2 years ago and I missed the chats that we only did today. Any, the next was Jonathan. Yes, I’ve been fond of him. I also wished before that he’ll take notice of me but things change and what I have for him turned into in difference. I don’t know if he was true all along. He was always the one who’ll get mad at my emotional group messages about friends but I don’t know if he really meant it that way. For me, he is, all along, a fake. Next were Heidi and Marvie. They were the people that I loved the most in our group before. They are the ones that I trusted with all that I am including Lester, because he somewhat resembles my deceased brother. In this situation, I am mostly hurt by what these three did. I don’t care what Joy, Jonathan and the rest do to me as long as Heidi, Marvie and Lester are always by my side, as long as they are, in any ways, true to me.

Now, as I write this blog, I know I am not okay yet. I am still hurting. I am still regretting my actions and I am still hoping that things would just be alright. But I have to win this battle by myself. I have to do it so I can face myself again. Overcoming this trial might be hard because I’ve been dealing these problems most of my life, but I can, in any way, can do this. And I still have God beside me, my family to always love me no matter what, and my remaining true friends to back me up when things don’t work as I planned.
I’ll be strong. I can do this.

One More Time

each day is so slow and so hard
because no matter how hard i try to reveal my heart
you can’t see it

i’m just resent the time that’s gone by
no matter how much time changes, i’m always sad

one more time
even though it hurt, i should have loved a little more
i’ll laugh for only you, i’ll cry for only you

one more time
like the hot sun of the sky
i’ll love all of you forever, only you

one more time

i miss the image of the warmhearted you standing beneath the umbrella
though i wipe these tears again, i’m always sad

one more time
even though it hurt, i should have loved a little more
i’ll laugh for only you, i’ll cry for only you

one more time
like the stars that shine brightly in the night sky
i’ll love all of you forever, only you

one more time

i promise that a tomorrow that we both share will find us
i promise that a happiness that we both share will find us
i’ll always be by your side

one more time
even though it hurt, i should have loved a little more
i’ll laugh for only you, i’ll cry for only you

one more time
like the hot sun of the sky
i’ll love all of you forever, only you

one more time
oh my love for you
oh one more time
oh my love for you
one more time