I can clearly remember the day when they offered me to come with them. Although it was wrong, I tried being them because I was desperately in need of friends. No one wants to be my friend in school. Everyone was scared to be an outcast too.
And so I came with them. I tried to be like them, because, really, I was once like them, but I long forgotten that past me because it was for the better, because I can’t glorify God in those ways. But at that time, In my weakest point, I found what I was really yearning to have, FRIENDS.
They offered me experiences that I haven’t experienced with any of my “so-called” before. I experienced love in them. I felt loved and needed for once in my life. And I held on to them like a life support. I held on to them like I was gonna break any moment if I won’t do that. I loved them like no other. I was ready to devote my life in loving them but now, when I think about it, I was really fragile and weak. I can’t afford to get hurt. And I was still doubtful because of all the pains I have experienced before.
Days passed, months passed, summer came and ended, I held on to them, and said that, “This thing should be true. I hope it’ll last forever. I hope I’ll be in their lives forever and vice versa. But after 2 months, everything that I thought was wrong. Everything was a sham. Everything that I hoped for vanished in just one night.
That day, I don’t know their reason why they did that. They said it was just a joke. But I know the difference between a joke and a true hurtful word. Or maybe I am just so fragile to over react on matters like this because, I have been hurt before, so many times. Have I forgotten to tell them that I am weak, that I can’t take hard jokes, that I can’t, in anyway, afford to get hurt at this time in my life? No, I can’t forget that thing to be told to people I trust. I know I told it to three or four of them. And I expect them to always regard me with care. I trusted them with all of me, especially with my fragile heart. But they too shattered me into pieces.
After that incident, I was prepared to forget about them and start all over again. But I think my heart isn’t ready yet. And when the unexpected happened when we all saw each other, I was really devastated because I didn’t expect them to talk to me and work things over. But what am I to do? I am still hurt by the incident. So I did what my heart was telling me, to shoo them away and pretend that I don’t care about them anymore, show them that I can, on my own, live again, be happy again and that I really need them.
It was only yesterday that I saw them and yet I still think about them. I saw Joy, and I know for sure that I really hate her because she’s the one who started everything. I really hate her ever since the day I met her and hated her more when she tried to overturn me to presidency. Next, I saw Lester. I know he saw me at the corridor. But that time I was with Diana and Clarisse, my first real friends when I shifted to Marketing. I thought they have changed but they are still the same friends I met 2 years ago and I missed the chats that we only did today. Any, the next was Jonathan. Yes, I’ve been fond of him. I also wished before that he’ll take notice of me but things change and what I have for him turned into in difference. I don’t know if he was true all along. He was always the one who’ll get mad at my emotional group messages about friends but I don’t know if he really meant it that way. For me, he is, all along, a fake. Next were Heidi and Marvie. They were the people that I loved the most in our group before. They are the ones that I trusted with all that I am including Lester, because he somewhat resembles my deceased brother. In this situation, I am mostly hurt by what these three did. I don’t care what Joy, Jonathan and the rest do to me as long as Heidi, Marvie and Lester are always by my side, as long as they are, in any ways, true to me.
Now, as I write this blog, I know I am not okay yet. I am still hurting. I am still regretting my actions and I am still hoping that things would just be alright. But I have to win this battle by myself. I have to do it so I can face myself again. Overcoming this trial might be hard because I’ve been dealing these problems most of my life, but I can, in any way, can do this. And I still have God beside me, my family to always love me no matter what, and my remaining true friends to back me up when things don’t work as I planned.
I’ll be strong. I can do this.
each day is so slow and so hard
because no matter how hard i try to reveal my heart
you can’t see it
i’m just resent the time that’s gone by
no matter how much time changes, i’m always sad
one more time
even though it hurt, i should have loved a little more
i’ll laugh for only you, i’ll cry for only you
one more time
like the hot sun of the sky
i’ll love all of you forever, only you
one more time
i miss the image of the warmhearted you standing beneath the umbrella
though i wipe these tears again, i’m always sad
one more time
even though it hurt, i should have loved a little more
i’ll laugh for only you, i’ll cry for only you
one more time
like the stars that shine brightly in the night sky
i’ll love all of you forever, only you
one more time
i promise that a tomorrow that we both share will find us
i promise that a happiness that we both share will find us
i’ll always be by your side
one more time
even though it hurt, i should have loved a little more
i’ll laugh for only you, i’ll cry for only you
one more time
like the hot sun of the sky
i’ll love all of you forever, only you
one more time
oh my love for you
oh one more time
oh my love for you
one more time
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