Regrets and Resentment..

Have you experienced the feeling of looking back all through those years that you've been through and then nonchalantly say, "I'm not satisfied at all.."

I can clearly remember that day, when I was about to enroll in the University that I strongly fought my parents to allow me to attend to.. It was, after all, one of the most prestigious universities in the country. Needless to say, with also the cheapest tuition fee in the world..

I was so determined to get into their Broadcast Communication program ever since I decided to enroll into it but damn FATE, yes, FATE, it has another plan for me. I won't go over the details as I remember I have blogged about it months ago.

I am very regretful that I wasn't so strong. I wasn't strong in the sense that I claim to be as one. I could have followed my heart and be happy with what I want and I could have been happier now. I'm feeling resentment whenever I ask what if I took the course, I could've been great, I could've made many friends, I could've been physically and emotionally well, I could've been happy and I wouldn't be worrying about my future now. I maybe taking the LAE now because I planned everything since day 1. I have figured out what I wanted to do in my life if only I get to do it as I planned. I maybe on my way to Law School by this June if I held on firm to my dreams..

I am regretful, resentment is taking over me, and I haven't stopped from asking the countless of what-ifs in my mind. I can't help it. Even though there are people telling me, "God has a greater plan", "It's not yet too late", and "You can still make the most of what you've got", I am not satisfied, I am not taking those words because in my heart, I already know what I want, I already know what would make me happy.

Eight years has passed since I started to lose my confidence.. Eight years since I started to drift away from people, Eight long years.. When I look back, I'm not happy with who I am today and that includes every bit of me.

I hate myself from asking these questions that would only deepen the hatred, sadness, frustrations and guilt in my heart but I just can't help it. This concerns my future and I'd be always living in a life full of regrets because once in my life, I let the opportunity of being happy pass.

I'm graduating this May 2010 and I pray that I would really be graduating. I want to be out of this course. I want to be out of this system that I know I didn't fit in since day one. I want to breakfree. I want to be strong again, and this time, for myself..

I would be going to Law School after I pass the LAE next September 2010 (that's the end goal of my plan before).. And maybe, just maybe, my happiness would start there..