My Biggest Fear

I have a big faith in the Lord. I always believed that everything happens for a reason and that the Lord has planned everything even before we set foot on this planet. But an aspect of my life hinders me now to fully believe in that belief that I held on for so many years.

My brother died more than a year ago because of rheumatic heart disease and typhoid fever. Since then, my parents became extra protective of us, their remaining children. They became extra caring to us. But I can feel the detachment they are making to not allow their hearts to be so close to us. As parents, I know that they love us dearly, but because of what had happened to my brother, the trauma left them loving us, their remaining children,in a distance.

Lately, I’ve been sickly and accident prone. I don’t know why. But week after week, I would always have an ailment, an accident and would be down at the sick bed for weeks. My body is weakening and I am feeling a writhing pain occasionally and would fell unconscious without me knowing it. It felt like half of my body is burning,, like big needles where piercing through my right half of the body.

My mom once told me out of the blue, “Ayoko nang mawalan ng isa pang anak.” This statement shocked me. How can I tell her that I am in pain? How can I tell her that I am suffering? Things could have been easier if my mom didnt say that because probably now, I am complaining to them. I am probably telling them now to come home and attend to my needs because I am writhing in pain, alone in this house, with no one else to cry unto.

My biggest fear now is death. I’ve fearing death ever since my brother died. I wasn’t afraid of it before for I know everybody will eventually die.

I fear death not because I am not ready of the consequences it will bring to the people I will leave, not because I don’t see myself lying on the death bed, not because I don’t believe in heaven. I fear death because of my parents.

I saw my brother dying with my own two eyes. I saw my parents broke down when it happened. I saw everything happening before my own two eyes and I can’t do anything about it while it was happening. I was just standing there, like watching a nightmare unfold before my eyes.

I was so afraid. I am still afraid until now. I don’t know how I managed to stand still that night. I don’t know how I managed to stay this sane up to this very moment after a year when that devastating night happened.

I wasn’t allowed to breakdown and cry before because I had to be strong. I had to endure everything. Every tear that I want to shed for my brother, I kept it all inside me so no one can see my heart breaking. I had to be strong for everyone, for my mother who’s in the verge of insanity because her only dear and beloved son has died at a young age, for my sister, who’s very close to my brother, he was her favourite person, and for my father, who can’t show his tears like me because he had to be strong for the family to.