Regrets and Resentment..

Have you experienced the feeling of looking back all through those years that you've been through and then nonchalantly say, "I'm not satisfied at all.."

I can clearly remember that day, when I was about to enroll in the University that I strongly fought my parents to allow me to attend to.. It was, after all, one of the most prestigious universities in the country. Needless to say, with also the cheapest tuition fee in the world..

I was so determined to get into their Broadcast Communication program ever since I decided to enroll into it but damn FATE, yes, FATE, it has another plan for me. I won't go over the details as I remember I have blogged about it months ago.

I am very regretful that I wasn't so strong. I wasn't strong in the sense that I claim to be as one. I could have followed my heart and be happy with what I want and I could have been happier now. I'm feeling resentment whenever I ask what if I took the course, I could've been great, I could've made many friends, I could've been physically and emotionally well, I could've been happy and I wouldn't be worrying about my future now. I maybe taking the LAE now because I planned everything since day 1. I have figured out what I wanted to do in my life if only I get to do it as I planned. I maybe on my way to Law School by this June if I held on firm to my dreams..

I am regretful, resentment is taking over me, and I haven't stopped from asking the countless of what-ifs in my mind. I can't help it. Even though there are people telling me, "God has a greater plan", "It's not yet too late", and "You can still make the most of what you've got", I am not satisfied, I am not taking those words because in my heart, I already know what I want, I already know what would make me happy.

Eight years has passed since I started to lose my confidence.. Eight years since I started to drift away from people, Eight long years.. When I look back, I'm not happy with who I am today and that includes every bit of me.

I hate myself from asking these questions that would only deepen the hatred, sadness, frustrations and guilt in my heart but I just can't help it. This concerns my future and I'd be always living in a life full of regrets because once in my life, I let the opportunity of being happy pass.

I'm graduating this May 2010 and I pray that I would really be graduating. I want to be out of this course. I want to be out of this system that I know I didn't fit in since day one. I want to breakfree. I want to be strong again, and this time, for myself..

I would be going to Law School after I pass the LAE next September 2010 (that's the end goal of my plan before).. And maybe, just maybe, my happiness would start there..

Fail!

I'm running out of ideas. The fasibility study of strawberry farm in tagaytay shows that it is not feasible and I've verified it with the Bureau of Plant Industry. Everyone in the group is already backstabbing each other and I'm at lost as to who to believe, who to get angry with, who to talk back with, who to join, who to agree with. Everything's been confusing aand we only got 5 freaking days to finish everything. We're down to two choices and that is 1.) go with the feasibility study, take the risk and pray that we won't fail but I think, with the forgoing info that I've just found, we will, in no doubt fail or 2.)come up with a new business and cram.. ARGH! Talk about crunch time and I'm still blogging about it.. Pray for us please. I really wanted this to pass.

Law School it is..:)

I am happy, because the only profession that I wanted to become is now attainable for me..

When I was young, I always wanted to be a reporter and a lawyer, thus, I've planned my life to be patterned to that. In Grade School, I joined the School Paper Organization while in High School, I entered the Debate Club.

I was determined to be a corporate/legal lawyer someday so I planned to take Political Science if not Mass Communication as my Bachelor's Degree then I'll go straight to Law School.. That's why in all my entrance exams, I always put Political Science and Mass Communication (or related courses) as my choices.

But things didn't go smoothly as planned. While deciding on which University I would go, my parents were insisting that I go for Pamantasan ng Lugsod ng PAsig and take up Nursing..

At that time, I really wanted to go to University of Santo Tomas, if not, Polytechnic University of the Philippines because I wanted an independent environment suitable for my preparation to Law School.

But my parents said, "Okay, you can go to PUP, only that, you would take Accountacy as your course." WTH! I don't want to, but still, they won and after a year, I failed the course and shifted to Marketing.

All my hopes of becoming a reporter and a lawyer were gone because of the wrong choice of course. I was ready to do Events MArketing instead when I graduate because it's related to Mass Communication and in that way, I can compensate for the lost dream of being a reporter. But then, when my parents and I had a talk, I was surprised that Papa brought up the Law School topic. He asked me if how many units do I still have to take before graduation then he instructed me to finish Bachelor's Degree on time (since everyone is expecting me to graduate on May 2010) and then file for my admissions in Law School..

I was overwhelmed.. I thought he has forgotten about my dream. I haven't thought about it in years after I shifted. I haven't talked about it with my parents but it seems like they know me to well.

Weeks before this conversation, Papa was already calling me "Attorney" because of the show "Dahil May Isang Ikaw", and I always smile whenever he calls me "Attorney". Dating back from high school, I remembered a certain show which also have Lawyers as main characters,"Kaytagal Kang Hinintay". Papa was also calling me "Attorney Katrina" back then because the female protagonist played by Bea Alonzo was also named Katrina. So now, whenever papa calls me, he addressess me as "Attorney".

Talking about the Law School thing with my parents brought back so many things in me. It brought me back to what my real goal was. I brought back the sense of why I am studying, and why I need to study hard. This also brought my confidence and self-esteem back. This also enlightened me again to pray and ask for God's wisdom and will for this decision.

This decision will affect many things includong my service in YFC, my wanting to be a fulltime, career path and a lot more so I asked God to guide me through this decision and also allow me to finish the Bachelor's Degree on time so that I can graduate on May 2010 and Finally take the LAE by september on that year. Also that I would be preparedc to enter the Law School as I know I still have a lot to learn because I wasn't ableto take up a related course for it.

Law School, here I come!

Sarap..:)

"Gawin mo kung anong makakapagpasaya sa'yo.."

Masarap pa din talaga makipagkwentuhan sa mga magulang ko hanggang ngayon. Kahit na madaling araw na at dapat ay natutulog na sila bilang gawain naman talaga nila ang matulog ng maaga.

Masarap makipagkwentuhan at makipagpalitan ng kuro-kuro sa kanila tungkol sa mga bagay bagay sa buhay at bigla ko nalang naisip, ang bilis lang pla ng 20 taon. Pagkatapos ng 20 taon ulit, magagawa pa kaya namin 'to? O may kausap na dn kaya ako na bata na katulad ko ay mura pa ang pananaw sa mga ganitong bagay sa edad ko ngayon at ipapasa ko lang ang mga natutunan ko mula sa mga magulang ko.

Masarap makipagkwentuhan sa mga magulang ko dahil sila lang ang may kayang bumara sa akon at bumatok sa akin ng wala akong magawa kundi tumahimik at makinig nalang bilang karaniwan naman talaga ay ako ang nambabara at nambabatok sa mga tao.

Masarap makipagkwentuhan sa kanila. Kanina, naramdaman ko, pagkalipas ng ilang taon din na hindi talaga kami nagkkwentuhan ng matino simula ng maging abala ako sa kolehiyo at sa serbisyo ko sa YFC, na may mga bagay pa din talaga na hindi magbabago.

Tulad ng hindi mawawala ang usapan tungkol sa aking pagkabata, kamusta ang aking pag-aaral, relasyon sa mga tao, aking pag-uugali,mga future plans at mga pangaral nila sa akin para sa finale.

Masarap makipagkwentuhan sa mga magulang ko, dahil nagagawa ko mangarap kapag kausap ko sila, sa kanila, mabilis gumana ang imahinasyon ko at bumibilis ang pag-iisip ko.

Masarap makipag-usap sa mga magulang ko, kinilig ako..:)

1st day discovery..

I discovered that I am doubtful..

Help me.. (randomness)

I've been feeling lonely and depressed lately. It's because I can't stop holding on to the past and everything's been crazy lately.

I've been into an aweful lot of issues lately. Issues about friendship, Lovelife and family that are making my nerves explode..

What are my issues anyway? It's so random, I just can't seem to elaborate about it anymore.

Lately, a lot of people are asking me to tell them about what's really happening with me. Well, to tell them frankly, I don't know either.

Here are random thoughts from what happening with me:

*Some friends aren't really true all..
*I am doubtful..
*I am inlove to a friend..
*I am hurting so much that I don't know what's/who's really hurting me..
*I am jealous..
*I am envious..
*I am sad because of these..
*I don't know now how to be happy..
*I feel that I am mean and bitchy..
*I am a world-class plastic..
*I am not me anymore..
*I don't know what's happening..
*I'm lost..
*I can't express what's happening..
*I don't know what I know..
*I can't seem to find or remember what I've learned..
*I'm angry..
*I'm afraid..
*I'm hopeless..
*I'm frustrated..
*I'm weird..
*I don't know what to do..
*I think I need help but I don't know what kind of help..


and the list goes on..