Prayers

Lord, please grant me the capacity to differentiate real love and infatuation. Di na po ako bata to still think of what could've beens and what ifs. Lord, grant me the will and courage to move on and move forward. I need this to live a new life. Now that I have decided to live and lead a new life, please, grant me the people that I will be needing. Hindi naman po ako himihingi ng wala sanang magbabago. Gusto ko lang po na sana, makayanan ko ang lahat ng hamon na dadating sa buhay ko. Sana po ang constant thing sa buhay ko ay yung pamilya ko.

Bar Operations

Nung mga nakakaraang taon, di naman talaga mahalaga sakin ang Bar Operations. Sabi nila, good omen daw na magparticipate sa Bar Operations. Wala naman masamang maniwala, pero ako, hindi naniniwala sa ganun eh. Mahilig ako sa extra curriculars pero hindi sa school. Noong bata pa ako, siguro, oo, kasi kailangan, pero nung malapit na ko matapos ng college, napagalaman ko na pwede naman pala kahit wala. Mahilig ako mag-isa. Limitado lang ang gusto kong pinapapasok sa buhay ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ang ironic ng mga ginagawa ko because I do otherwise. But now, I decide to do what I want in my life, open up to people who really wanted to be in my life and receive the love that I really need..

It ends tonight..

Tonight, I decide to be who I really am. I'll start treating people the way I want to be treated. Michael asked earlier if what I watch is what I attract. Siguro ganun nga ano? Sobrang hilig ko sa mga sad love stories kaya fail pa rin ang love life ko. Puro friendzone, puro unrequited. So maybe, no boyfriend since birth is the last sad movie I will watch and I'll start believing in love again.

Nagstart na ko magdeclutter ng kwarto and ng clothes so probably, isusunod ko na yung mga tao sa buhay ko..

Finish Strong

I started without a single clue about what I am really doing in Law School. Until now I really don't have an answer to that, much as I don't have an answer to why I want to become a lawyer either.

Over the years, I questioned myself if this is really for me. There was no semester that I got a failing grade on 1 or 2 subjects. I doubted myself, countless times. And often, I will find the answer and reassurance that I'm in the right path with God. It always boils down to His master plan.

Lately, I am having doubts as to the path that I should take. Does He really planned for me to be a lawyer?

Earlier, as I was looking for a new wallpaper, I found this, and I got so excited to finish my last semester in LS that I posted it on IG.

And I remembered, if God has brought me to it, He will bring me through it!" I don't have to worry if I haven't really figured it out. He has a master that even the most intelligent person can't comprehend.

I just have to do my best, give my all and finish strong!

Shit happens!

He said, " Geh, kaw bhala. Kelangan mo mgparticipate sa bar ops para maisama ka din sa ibabarops ng chap next year. :)"

And I'm like, "WTH!"

Akala ko ba okay na? Bakit kailangan mo yang sabihin? Meaning, kapag di ko sila binarops, hindi nyo dn ako ibabarops? Anong kalokohan yan? Asan ang magkapatid dyan? Kung ayaw mo, wag. Di kita kailangan. Wag mo na 'ko kausapin please! Walang mapapala sayo! Wala ako natutuhan sayo!

Pero syempre, respeto pa din. Nag-thumbs up nalang ako.

Unique.

"They can imitate you but they can't duplicate you."

Tama si Dawin sa lyrics ng kanta nyang Dessert. Walang makakagawa ng mga bagay na ginagawa mo na katulad na katulad ng kung pano mo ito gawin. Unique tayo, in our very own ways. Although, often times, we forget that we have unique qualities. 

Ako, madalas ko yun makalimutan. Gusto ko ng ibang buhay. Magsimula ulit. Nakalimutan ko na YOLO nga pala. Hahaha! We don't get another shot at living this life so might as well live it the way I want it. I should start having fun. Twenty six years old, twenty years spent in school. Others are starting their lives at the real world, ako nag-aaral pa. Dapat ko nalang ituring as blessing yun. I have a supportive family and a lot of loving friends.

"Ilang points of no returns na nalampasan mo? Ano ba naman yung isa pa? Kaya mo yan!"

Point of no return. Ilang beses ko ng narating yan eh. Pero ilang beses din akong nagreturn. Hahaha! Takot ako eh. Takot ako sa kung anong nasa kabila. May tendency akong isabotage ang mga good things na nangyayari sakin. Takot akong umabot sa breaking point. Takot akong magtransform. Takot akong magbago. Baka kasi hindi ko mgustuhan. Baka kasi hindi naman akong maging masaya. Baka kasi hindi ko naman kayang panindigan.

Sa lahat ng mga nangyari sa buhay ko. Ilang beses na 'ko nagsabi na pagod na 'kong matakot,pero eto pa rin ako, takot na takot. Ang galing galing kong mag-advise sa iba, pero yung sarili ko di ko magawa yung mga advice ko.

Sa totoo lang, pagod na 'ko matakot eh, gusto ko ng maging matapang.

Home.

So I'm here at the house since Thursday afternoon. Last week, I was also here for a whole week. It's my safe place. I feel I'm protected here. From what, that I do not know yet. But I think, subconsciously, when I get scared, I go home and resort to staying in front of the computer, watching movies and other stuff. I'm afraid of living life. This should not be the case, that's why I need courage.

Brunei.

I'm researching Brunei. Wala lang. It just popped in my mind. Far and near enough. And it has a small population. No one I know goes there often, unlike Singapore. I have 2 cousins there.
I'm considering this as an option.
I'll find out more. :)

Paper town

I opted to watch Paper Towns instead of going to school and attending the send off. I just don't feel like seeing other people. Like Margo in Paper Towns, I feel that I don't belong there or anywhere near. I feel that I am bound to do something else. I want to get away from here and start over, where people don't know me. So here's my plan.

I will graduate and then get off the grid. I'd defer a year for taking the bar and go some place else and work. I will change my number and only my family and closest friends would know.

I want to write again. I wish I had always had the courage to do that. I hope to find myself in the process. I want to find the girl who wanted to be a lawyer. The girl who gets shit done. The creative girl. The imaginative girl. The girl who always hopes for the better and loves living life.
I hope its not too late to do that.
Most of the things I regret are the things I did not do.
I envy my brother, he may have lived a short life, but it was full. I wish I had his strength and courage.
I feel so alone and I feel that no one will understand if I tell them so I will do this on my own. I wish I could muster enough courage to do it.

What should I do?

"Gusto ko magbasa ng magbasa ng libro, kahit ano, at magsulat at magtravel at magkwento tungkol sa mga natuklasan ko at magbasa pa, at magsulat pa ulit, bakit nga ba ako nag-aabogado? hahaha!"

I tweeted this earlier this day. I wanted to post it on Facebook too but I am hesitant, like someone will get offended by my post. 

After the SFC MM RECON, I found myself wanting to become a full time worker again. I don't really know why. I often wonder what could have happened if I just worked and did not push through with law school. What if I served in the best way I knew? What if I pushed through with becoming a full time worker?

I wouldn't really know the answer to that because I already chose law school and I have already spent 5 years into studying the law but still, kulang pa rin, hindi ako masaya, hindi na ko naeexcite maging abogado. I believe that this is the dream that God put in my heart but the fire is slowly dying and other fires are starting their burn. My heart is not in becoming a lawyer anymore, what should I do? 

I am 1 month and 1 semester away from having a law degree. And as planned and as expected, I would be taking the Bar. I am terrified to go out of the real world and practice what I have studied for 5 years and 6 months, including the review for the Bar.

I don't want this fear to be the reason that I wanted to be in my shell. I don't want this to be the reason I am serving. What should I do?

Panaginip!

Nanaginip ako, parehas na daw kami ng gupit ni ate riah. Nagpaiksi din sya ng buhok. Andun din si oslek. Nagselos sya nung kinilig ako dun sa crush kong wattpad character. Mukhang nagkkwento sya kay ate riah ng tungkol sakin sa panaginip na yun. NakaJCS shirt sya dun sa dream. Naputol ang kamay ko ng hindi ko namamalayan at may ospital na nagyeyelo ang hagdan, struggle dumaan. May hot pursuit pa daw ako nadaanan habang pauwi. Kaloka ang panaginip na ito. Hahaha!

I can't wait to be free..

"I'm a citizen of the world." - Gisele, Fast 6

I often feel that when I stay long in a place, I start to get bored. It's like, I should not stay that long. It's a complicated feeling like, I don't belong but I belong. And I get so much frustration that I can't go to places that I want to go to, yet. It's like my wings are tied down. I can't wait to be free..

1st degree..

"GET UP, DRESS UP, SHOW UP and NEVER GIVE UP!"

Nakabangon ako despite this shitty feeling! Carry on! Press on! Kaya mo yan!

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"Don't be too hard on yourself."

"Don't be too hard on yourself."

I've been telling this for a couple of months now. But I just can't stop being bitter, not just yet. I need an intervention.

How?

How do you react without overreacting? How do you fight the urge to cry when all you want to do is breakdown? How do I make you feel that I got hurt without you knowing that I got hurt?

Outburst

Sa pagbalik ko sa SFC, tatlong tao lang ang tinuring kong pinakamalapit sakin sa SRDL. Si Jecai, Anya at CJ. Just recently, na in a relationship si Jecai at mukhang si Anya at CJ na.

Di ko maintindihan tong nararamdaman ko. Masaya naman ako para sa kanila. But then, parang na-o-OP na ko. I feel left out. Lagi nalang ganito, ako yung hindi nagmamahal, ako yung hindi madaling pasayahin, ako yung laging naiiwan. May mali ba sakin? I want to know.

Ako nalang yung palaging unang nafofall. Ako nalang yung laging napapaasa. Ako nalang yung palaging mas matindi magmahal.

A necessary break from the fasting..

On the 11th day of the Lent Season, and my 9th day of fasting, I decided to go on Facebook for the remaining days of the semester. It was going smoothly, only that I am not informed about important matters which are school related. Anyway, I resolve to checking it from time to time because I still need it. After this sem, I'm going offline again. I hope the Lord would understand..

All the men I loved before..

In my 25 years of existence, I have fallen in love thrice. First was with Brian, during high school. 2nd was with Alvin, way back in college, and with Jeff, a year before my final year in YFC. All of these were not able to progress into a relationship. Let's just say, all of them were unrequited.

Anyway, I learned a lot during the times that was in love with them.

With Brian, I learned that a boy an a girl cannot stay as best friends. Either one of them will fall in love or both of them will fall in love. Either way, both can never go back to being JUST friends. Sadly, I was the only one that fell in love. That was my first heartbreak, and I never gotten over it until just recently.

With Alvin, I learned that giving everything for a person would not be enough for them to love you. If they really like you, you are more than enough. In my case, I am not enough. And I'm just not her type.

With Jeff, this taught me to be prayerful and patient. I applied what I learned before. Even though, some people say that I have to give him something so that he will see me, I didn't do it. I want him to like me for me. My love for him taught me to be loving to my family because I like the way he loves his family. I want a close family relations so when I got to see how loving he is to his family, It made me love my family in a special way. I learned to value friends because I saw how beautiful their friendship is. I try to be a loving friend to my friends and still act like a big sister when the situation calls for it. I learned to dream big because I can see how passionate his dreams are. He is one of the reasons I pursued my dream of becoming a lawyer. I learned to love God in an intimate way, because I saw that he has an extraordinary way of serving Him. He's not like the other brothers, he has a unique way of serving Him. I can't explain it but I love the way he stands out because he is out of the ordinary. I learned to be calm in times of distress, especially during decision making because I saw how composed and rational he thinks and makes decisions, not rushed yet powerful. You see, he's the kind of man I prayed for and still praying for. I don't love him like before but I am amazed how he got all of the qualities in my check list for the right man all perfect, even the negotiables. Sadly, I'm not the one for him. But I'm glad I learned all these from loving him.

I'm sure he's out there, also waiting for me. I know he has the qualities in my checklist, even the negotiables, and even more. I pray that he finds his way to my heart soon. I pray that we find each other in a time that we are both sure about ourselves and when we are really complete. I pray that the time is near.

I'm no longer on the cyberspace (sort of)

It's been a week since I decided to take on this fasting for lent of not using all my Social Networking accounts and be on a personal silent retreat. During the first few days, it was really hard to resist, so I pray whenever I have the urge to log in and check things on Facebook or Instagram or my other SNS. This has taught me to be more prayerful on the things that I have to sacrifice but having a hard time doing. Gradually, this set up is really teaching me things I never knew I could do when I am not online.

Here are a few things I learned over the week of sort of being out of the cyberspace. I learned that I really don't have to use the internet that much. Especially, because cases are available at the SCRA section of our library. I reasoned out to my parents before that I needed the internet/gadget in order to read cases. That's convenient for working students, but for a full-time student like me, it's called laziness.

I also found out that I don't have to stay online to stay connected. There are other ways, setting a meet up for example. I am getting a lot of texts now, rather than when I was always online. The past days of staying offline has gave me time and taught me to really communicate with my family inside our home, because I don't have to worry if I have a notification or someone has already commented or liked my posts. You really get to know who really your friends are because they look for you and wonder why you are not on Facebook anymore and really take the time to communicate with you.

I also found out that there are a lot of things I can do when I am not on the internet. I started out a diet and exercise program for myself. I don't know but I have a great feeling that this one will be a success. It gives me a reason to fix my schedule and stick to it. 

I can finish 5 movies a day, granted I don't have a lot of school stuff to do. Before, it takes me 8 hours to finish a 3- hour movie because I constantly pause and check my SNS, tiring right?

I haven't finished a book because I still have a lot of stuff to catch up on, but I started one..I have a good feeling I can finish A Song of Ice and Fire, The Blood of Olympus and Si by the time summer vacation starts.

I also have feeling that I'll have the time to travel and be one with the nature.

And of course, the reason for the season. I have a great feeling about this Holy Week. I get to connect with the Lord in the most special way and in ways I haven't connected with Him yet.

I am praying for courage to follow what my mind and heart dictates that are more eternal than physical, endurance to take on this fasting until Easter Sunday and probably be a habit, and compassion to other people that I, too, may recognize their struggles and help them to overcome it.