"Don't be too hard on yourself."

"Don't be too hard on yourself."

I've been telling this for a couple of months now. But I just can't stop being bitter, not just yet. I need an intervention.

How?

How do you react without overreacting? How do you fight the urge to cry when all you want to do is breakdown? How do I make you feel that I got hurt without you knowing that I got hurt?

Outburst

Sa pagbalik ko sa SFC, tatlong tao lang ang tinuring kong pinakamalapit sakin sa SRDL. Si Jecai, Anya at CJ. Just recently, na in a relationship si Jecai at mukhang si Anya at CJ na.

Di ko maintindihan tong nararamdaman ko. Masaya naman ako para sa kanila. But then, parang na-o-OP na ko. I feel left out. Lagi nalang ganito, ako yung hindi nagmamahal, ako yung hindi madaling pasayahin, ako yung laging naiiwan. May mali ba sakin? I want to know.

Ako nalang yung palaging unang nafofall. Ako nalang yung laging napapaasa. Ako nalang yung palaging mas matindi magmahal.

A necessary break from the fasting..

On the 11th day of the Lent Season, and my 9th day of fasting, I decided to go on Facebook for the remaining days of the semester. It was going smoothly, only that I am not informed about important matters which are school related. Anyway, I resolve to checking it from time to time because I still need it. After this sem, I'm going offline again. I hope the Lord would understand..

All the men I loved before..

In my 25 years of existence, I have fallen in love thrice. First was with Brian, during high school. 2nd was with Alvin, way back in college, and with Jeff, a year before my final year in YFC. All of these were not able to progress into a relationship. Let's just say, all of them were unrequited.

Anyway, I learned a lot during the times that was in love with them.

With Brian, I learned that a boy an a girl cannot stay as best friends. Either one of them will fall in love or both of them will fall in love. Either way, both can never go back to being JUST friends. Sadly, I was the only one that fell in love. That was my first heartbreak, and I never gotten over it until just recently.

With Alvin, I learned that giving everything for a person would not be enough for them to love you. If they really like you, you are more than enough. In my case, I am not enough. And I'm just not her type.

With Jeff, this taught me to be prayerful and patient. I applied what I learned before. Even though, some people say that I have to give him something so that he will see me, I didn't do it. I want him to like me for me. My love for him taught me to be loving to my family because I like the way he loves his family. I want a close family relations so when I got to see how loving he is to his family, It made me love my family in a special way. I learned to value friends because I saw how beautiful their friendship is. I try to be a loving friend to my friends and still act like a big sister when the situation calls for it. I learned to dream big because I can see how passionate his dreams are. He is one of the reasons I pursued my dream of becoming a lawyer. I learned to love God in an intimate way, because I saw that he has an extraordinary way of serving Him. He's not like the other brothers, he has a unique way of serving Him. I can't explain it but I love the way he stands out because he is out of the ordinary. I learned to be calm in times of distress, especially during decision making because I saw how composed and rational he thinks and makes decisions, not rushed yet powerful. You see, he's the kind of man I prayed for and still praying for. I don't love him like before but I am amazed how he got all of the qualities in my check list for the right man all perfect, even the negotiables. Sadly, I'm not the one for him. But I'm glad I learned all these from loving him.

I'm sure he's out there, also waiting for me. I know he has the qualities in my checklist, even the negotiables, and even more. I pray that he finds his way to my heart soon. I pray that we find each other in a time that we are both sure about ourselves and when we are really complete. I pray that the time is near.

I'm no longer on the cyberspace (sort of)

It's been a week since I decided to take on this fasting for lent of not using all my Social Networking accounts and be on a personal silent retreat. During the first few days, it was really hard to resist, so I pray whenever I have the urge to log in and check things on Facebook or Instagram or my other SNS. This has taught me to be more prayerful on the things that I have to sacrifice but having a hard time doing. Gradually, this set up is really teaching me things I never knew I could do when I am not online.

Here are a few things I learned over the week of sort of being out of the cyberspace. I learned that I really don't have to use the internet that much. Especially, because cases are available at the SCRA section of our library. I reasoned out to my parents before that I needed the internet/gadget in order to read cases. That's convenient for working students, but for a full-time student like me, it's called laziness.

I also found out that I don't have to stay online to stay connected. There are other ways, setting a meet up for example. I am getting a lot of texts now, rather than when I was always online. The past days of staying offline has gave me time and taught me to really communicate with my family inside our home, because I don't have to worry if I have a notification or someone has already commented or liked my posts. You really get to know who really your friends are because they look for you and wonder why you are not on Facebook anymore and really take the time to communicate with you.

I also found out that there are a lot of things I can do when I am not on the internet. I started out a diet and exercise program for myself. I don't know but I have a great feeling that this one will be a success. It gives me a reason to fix my schedule and stick to it. 

I can finish 5 movies a day, granted I don't have a lot of school stuff to do. Before, it takes me 8 hours to finish a 3- hour movie because I constantly pause and check my SNS, tiring right?

I haven't finished a book because I still have a lot of stuff to catch up on, but I started one..I have a good feeling I can finish A Song of Ice and Fire, The Blood of Olympus and Si by the time summer vacation starts.

I also have feeling that I'll have the time to travel and be one with the nature.

And of course, the reason for the season. I have a great feeling about this Holy Week. I get to connect with the Lord in the most special way and in ways I haven't connected with Him yet.

I am praying for courage to follow what my mind and heart dictates that are more eternal than physical, endurance to take on this fasting until Easter Sunday and probably be a habit, and compassion to other people that I, too, may recognize their struggles and help them to overcome it.

Never doubt in the dark what God has told you in the light

"Never doubt in the dark what God has told you in the light."

Here I am, 7 semesters and 3 summers past, and I am about to transfer to another Law School. I am transferring because I don't feel happy anymore in that Law School. It's not the study of Law that is wearing me out and giving me stress, it is the people around.

I need a change of environment. I alreaqdy recognized that last summer but I took no heed from it because I thought it is just a passing thought so I tried another semester in that school. Gradually, I lost my passion for the Law. I should have noticed that the second it affected my studies. I am in Law School to become a Lawyer and I should not be paying any attention that is not helping me achieve my goals.

As the next semester starts, I am positive that everything will change for the better. I hope to never get any failing grade again. I will strive harder for excellence. I am pushing for 2016 bar and I will become a Lawyer come 2017.

This fact has been promised to me by God and I am determined to achieve it.