Unique.

"They can imitate you but they can't duplicate you."

Tama si Dawin sa lyrics ng kanta nyang Dessert. Walang makakagawa ng mga bagay na ginagawa mo na katulad na katulad ng kung pano mo ito gawin. Unique tayo, in our very own ways. Although, often times, we forget that we have unique qualities. 

Ako, madalas ko yun makalimutan. Gusto ko ng ibang buhay. Magsimula ulit. Nakalimutan ko na YOLO nga pala. Hahaha! We don't get another shot at living this life so might as well live it the way I want it. I should start having fun. Twenty six years old, twenty years spent in school. Others are starting their lives at the real world, ako nag-aaral pa. Dapat ko nalang ituring as blessing yun. I have a supportive family and a lot of loving friends.

"Ilang points of no returns na nalampasan mo? Ano ba naman yung isa pa? Kaya mo yan!"

Point of no return. Ilang beses ko ng narating yan eh. Pero ilang beses din akong nagreturn. Hahaha! Takot ako eh. Takot ako sa kung anong nasa kabila. May tendency akong isabotage ang mga good things na nangyayari sakin. Takot akong umabot sa breaking point. Takot akong magtransform. Takot akong magbago. Baka kasi hindi ko mgustuhan. Baka kasi hindi naman akong maging masaya. Baka kasi hindi ko naman kayang panindigan.

Sa lahat ng mga nangyari sa buhay ko. Ilang beses na 'ko nagsabi na pagod na 'kong matakot,pero eto pa rin ako, takot na takot. Ang galing galing kong mag-advise sa iba, pero yung sarili ko di ko magawa yung mga advice ko.

Sa totoo lang, pagod na 'ko matakot eh, gusto ko ng maging matapang.

Home.

So I'm here at the house since Thursday afternoon. Last week, I was also here for a whole week. It's my safe place. I feel I'm protected here. From what, that I do not know yet. But I think, subconsciously, when I get scared, I go home and resort to staying in front of the computer, watching movies and other stuff. I'm afraid of living life. This should not be the case, that's why I need courage.

Brunei.

I'm researching Brunei. Wala lang. It just popped in my mind. Far and near enough. And it has a small population. No one I know goes there often, unlike Singapore. I have 2 cousins there.
I'm considering this as an option.
I'll find out more. :)

Paper town

I opted to watch Paper Towns instead of going to school and attending the send off. I just don't feel like seeing other people. Like Margo in Paper Towns, I feel that I don't belong there or anywhere near. I feel that I am bound to do something else. I want to get away from here and start over, where people don't know me. So here's my plan.

I will graduate and then get off the grid. I'd defer a year for taking the bar and go some place else and work. I will change my number and only my family and closest friends would know.

I want to write again. I wish I had always had the courage to do that. I hope to find myself in the process. I want to find the girl who wanted to be a lawyer. The girl who gets shit done. The creative girl. The imaginative girl. The girl who always hopes for the better and loves living life.
I hope its not too late to do that.
Most of the things I regret are the things I did not do.
I envy my brother, he may have lived a short life, but it was full. I wish I had his strength and courage.
I feel so alone and I feel that no one will understand if I tell them so I will do this on my own. I wish I could muster enough courage to do it.

What should I do?

"Gusto ko magbasa ng magbasa ng libro, kahit ano, at magsulat at magtravel at magkwento tungkol sa mga natuklasan ko at magbasa pa, at magsulat pa ulit, bakit nga ba ako nag-aabogado? hahaha!"

I tweeted this earlier this day. I wanted to post it on Facebook too but I am hesitant, like someone will get offended by my post. 

After the SFC MM RECON, I found myself wanting to become a full time worker again. I don't really know why. I often wonder what could have happened if I just worked and did not push through with law school. What if I served in the best way I knew? What if I pushed through with becoming a full time worker?

I wouldn't really know the answer to that because I already chose law school and I have already spent 5 years into studying the law but still, kulang pa rin, hindi ako masaya, hindi na ko naeexcite maging abogado. I believe that this is the dream that God put in my heart but the fire is slowly dying and other fires are starting their burn. My heart is not in becoming a lawyer anymore, what should I do? 

I am 1 month and 1 semester away from having a law degree. And as planned and as expected, I would be taking the Bar. I am terrified to go out of the real world and practice what I have studied for 5 years and 6 months, including the review for the Bar.

I don't want this fear to be the reason that I wanted to be in my shell. I don't want this to be the reason I am serving. What should I do?

Panaginip!

Nanaginip ako, parehas na daw kami ng gupit ni ate riah. Nagpaiksi din sya ng buhok. Andun din si oslek. Nagselos sya nung kinilig ako dun sa crush kong wattpad character. Mukhang nagkkwento sya kay ate riah ng tungkol sakin sa panaginip na yun. NakaJCS shirt sya dun sa dream. Naputol ang kamay ko ng hindi ko namamalayan at may ospital na nagyeyelo ang hagdan, struggle dumaan. May hot pursuit pa daw ako nadaanan habang pauwi. Kaloka ang panaginip na ito. Hahaha!

I can't wait to be free..

"I'm a citizen of the world." - Gisele, Fast 6

I often feel that when I stay long in a place, I start to get bored. It's like, I should not stay that long. It's a complicated feeling like, I don't belong but I belong. And I get so much frustration that I can't go to places that I want to go to, yet. It's like my wings are tied down. I can't wait to be free..