"It' s still you. I just have to get this bar done."

"It' s still you. I just have to get this bar done."

9 months to bar. 259 days to bar. Gusto mo bang hintayin kita? Mahihintay ba kita? Sana. Wala naman ako ibang gustong gawin kundi maging malaya at masaya sa piling ng taong mahal ko. Di ko alam na matagal na pala akong malungkot hanggang sa dumating ka sa buhay ko. At ngayon na hindi kita makasama, kahit makausap man lang, ang hirap, sobrang hirap. Pero ano ba naman to kumpara sa pinagdadaanan mo ngayon db? Ano ba naman to sa mga pagsubok na haharapin ko pa as I get on with life db? Law school at bar review nga natapos ko, ito pa kaya db?

Part of me wants to move on and get on with my life because the impatient and immature me wants to feel loved kahit saglit lang. But I want to see it till the end at malaman kung magiging masaya na ba tayo after your bar.

I miss you so much. I love you. Please make me feel your love kahit saglit lang. 😔

Unilateral promise..

Hon, I don't want to lose hope that we'll end up together. Maybe not for now but eventually. I can't believe I can belong to another as bad as I wanted to belong to you. And I don't want you to be with someone else. There is no denying that I can't get the peace that I need without you in my life so I'm telling you this. Mag-aral ka lang on 2017. Let's become the person we deserve during the time that we are apart. I will come for you on 2018, on the day you pass the bar. On that day, I promise that I will be the better person you deserve. I hope you still want and love me now and at that time. This is a unilateral promise and I don't expect you to be bound by it. I love you. I'm always yours.

Seeds Planted In Concrete

"2017 is the year to care — to take your life into your own hands.

2017 is the year you get out of your own way. The year you start to realize the potential you have swirling within your bones. 2017 is the year you don’t ask for permission, the year you put ideas out into the world like wildfire. It’s the year you create something that outlives you, that starts a revolution within your life. It’s the year you don’t take no for an answer.

2017 is the year to prove to the world that you have every reason to be in it — that you are allowed to take up space. It is the year you finally accept that you are the only person who defines your value in life, that you are the only person who defines your worth. 2017 is the year you believe, with ruthless passion, that you have purpose, that you are deserving of the things you wish for, that you are capable of achieving every dream they called too ambitious, or too big, or too difficult. Prove them wrong. Stand up for your desire, show them what you can do with all of that fire within you.

2017 is the year to simply give a shit. The year you care deeply about the things you’re producing, the relationships you are curating, and the life you are building. It is the year you tell people how you feel, boldly and confidently. It is the year you show up for yourself; the year you celebrate the people who chose to stay in your life rather than lament over the ones who left. 2017 is the year you overwhelm yourself with feeling; the year you don’t apologize for how you shine, the year you don’t quiet the intensity of your heartbeat.

2017 is the year you jump, even when your legs are trembling."

Desperada ka pa rin..

Move on quietly, love yourself loudly.

"When someone breaks our heart, we so desperately want them to know how much they hurt us, thinking it will change something. But it doesn’t. They can respond emphatically, feel guilt, and hopefully learn how to avoid hurting someone so badly in the future, but your hurt isn’t going to change the situation and likely won’t make them feel anywhere near as bad as you do. Even if they did something horrible, they’re telling themselves whatever they can so they can feel better too, we are all always in survival mode- “They’re hurting now, but it’s what is best for them in the long run,” “It was unavoidable.” Whether their internal dialogue is true or not, we are experts at convincing ourselves that our actions are justified. Your pain is yours to work through, no person can be both the cause and solution of your hurt. Don’t be afraid of expressing it because it’s real and can be so overwhelming, but you don’t need to “prove” your pain, hoping for some sort of response. If anything, it will push them away further, and delay your moving forward. Ultimately, you don’t want to be with someone only because they don’t want you to be sad, or because they feel sorry for you. You shouldn’t guilt someone into loving you, and them pulling a lesson from the situation is their task. You work on your own."
— 

I can't understand.

I can't understand. It doesn't make sense. How can someone fall out of love that easily? How did we end up here.

From the start. It was not my fault but it felt like what I gave wasn't enough. It felt like I could have given more.

But that's the problem about giving. The person you have given so much wants more. And you can't possibly give it to them because you do not have the capacity to give it.

I don't want to hate anyone. I don't want to be bitter. I will get past this. I want to be able to talk about him without resentment. I believe that the Lord has a greater purpose why this had to happen.

Moving forward.

He was the hand I chose to hold for a lifetime yet he chose to remove his hold on me.

I choose to move on from this. I love him. I never knew I can love as intense as this. I don't know if I could love another like I did with him.

With me, he never could have second guessed because I would give him what he wants in a heartbeat.

With me, he has a friend he can trust and someone that listens.

With me, he never has to fear that he can't be himself because my nature is to accept people for who they really are.

It really didn't make any sense that we ended in that way. There are other reasons that really could have ended us, months ago, yet we kept on coming back to each others' arms.

I don't know why he picked something petty as this. I don't know why love wasn't enough to cover the hurt. I was able to forgive him because I love him. I don't know what really happened.

But I am ready to move on from this. I choose to move forward with my life. It is not giving up on our love but it is a process I have to go to change into a person I should've been and meant to be.

If he ever comes back, I would be firm at my decision to move forward. I had to second guess myself, my worth, my position in his life and my faith over and over because of him. I can't go through that again.

My commitment, at the beggining of the year is to love myself and be open to more possibilities. There is still time to shift that love to myself again. With the help of the Lord, I know I will be fine.