My Biggest Fear

I have a big faith in the Lord. I always believed that everything happens for a reason and that the Lord has planned everything even before we set foot on this planet. But an aspect of my life hinders me now to fully believe in that belief that I held on for so many years.

My brother died more than a year ago because of rheumatic heart disease and typhoid fever. Since then, my parents became extra protective of us, their remaining children. They became extra caring to us. But I can feel the detachment they are making to not allow their hearts to be so close to us. As parents, I know that they love us dearly, but because of what had happened to my brother, the trauma left them loving us, their remaining children,in a distance.

Lately, I’ve been sickly and accident prone. I don’t know why. But week after week, I would always have an ailment, an accident and would be down at the sick bed for weeks. My body is weakening and I am feeling a writhing pain occasionally and would fell unconscious without me knowing it. It felt like half of my body is burning,, like big needles where piercing through my right half of the body.

My mom once told me out of the blue, “Ayoko nang mawalan ng isa pang anak.” This statement shocked me. How can I tell her that I am in pain? How can I tell her that I am suffering? Things could have been easier if my mom didnt say that because probably now, I am complaining to them. I am probably telling them now to come home and attend to my needs because I am writhing in pain, alone in this house, with no one else to cry unto.

My biggest fear now is death. I’ve fearing death ever since my brother died. I wasn’t afraid of it before for I know everybody will eventually die.

I fear death not because I am not ready of the consequences it will bring to the people I will leave, not because I don’t see myself lying on the death bed, not because I don’t believe in heaven. I fear death because of my parents.

I saw my brother dying with my own two eyes. I saw my parents broke down when it happened. I saw everything happening before my own two eyes and I can’t do anything about it while it was happening. I was just standing there, like watching a nightmare unfold before my eyes.

I was so afraid. I am still afraid until now. I don’t know how I managed to stand still that night. I don’t know how I managed to stay this sane up to this very moment after a year when that devastating night happened.

I wasn’t allowed to breakdown and cry before because I had to be strong. I had to endure everything. Every tear that I want to shed for my brother, I kept it all inside me so no one can see my heart breaking. I had to be strong for everyone, for my mother who’s in the verge of insanity because her only dear and beloved son has died at a young age, for my sister, who’s very close to my brother, he was her favourite person, and for my father, who can’t show his tears like me because he had to be strong for the family to.

Web Directories are Great!

A couple of weeks ago, I was very disappointed to see my Page Rank slid to zero (0). It was two (2) then. Well, I got really addicted to blogging that's why my blog's rank really is a big deal for me. Hence, with all the efforts I've done, I don't want to waste any moment and be idle. I badly want my PR back, or even higher :D. Luckily, I got to know a web directory site and Max directory where I can submit my blog and be featured as their blog of the day. Yes, that easy. What's great here is that the blogs are chosen randomly to be featured. So, statistically speaking, your blog is of equal chance to be featured. *wink wink* And my PR's back. Sooner, I'm confident that my PR would raise, in time :D

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My Christmas wishes..

I'm not fond of making wish lists.. Because I don't believe in them.. Once, when I was young, I made one and that's the end of it.. I didn't make any wish list anymore.. I do make wishes but I don't have faith in them. It's just a mere expression of what I want to receive or happen but it doesn't mean that I believe it will happen,if it comes true, okay, if it doesn't, it's also okay..

But now, I have something I really wanted. I want itt so badly that I need to write it down and wish (and PRAY!) that Santa might read it and tell Jesus to grant me the wish..

I have two big wishes for this Christmas..

1.) Please Let me Graduate this May 2010.

2.) Please Let me have my chance on love.

I know the first is reasonable enough for God to grant my wish. Call me pathetic and desperate, but I still want the second to come true. I do want to fall in love, again, madly, deeply, that I can and don't wanna let go. i want a love that will last forever. This time, the love I'm asking God is what I really want for my future. I want to fall in love and also be loved too. I want to feel loved like I am the most beautiful girl in the whole world. I want to feel God's love through a man the Lord God has destined for me.

Lord, I am not asking much. All I want for Christmas is this two wishes. I am yours and yours alone and I have no complaint on that. Just this two wishes for this Christmas, please Lord.

Mahal ko pa din sya.. pero ngayon, iba na..

Minsan, inakala ko na okay na ko. Akala ko, itong nararamdaman ko, humantong na sa hangganan. Akala ko hindi ko na kaya magmahal. Akala handa na ko sa bagong simula. PEro hindi pa pala.

Nang makita ko sya, mas lalo ko lang napatunayan na isang malaking kalokohan ang ginagawa ko sa sarili ko. Mas lalo ko lang nalaman na hindi naman pala basta basta mawawala ang nararamdaman mo kapag sinabi mong gusto mong magmove on kasi likod palang, maiiyak ka na kasi sobra mo pala syang pinapangarap.

May kaibigang nagsabi sa akin, "tumigil ka na, wag na sya, wag mo na sya pangarapin, wag mo na sya pagpantasyahan."

Gusto ko sana. Pinilit ko naman eh. Ginusto ko naman. Pero wala pa din nangyari. Iba talaga kapag sya lang ang nakikita ng mga mata mo kahit hindi mo naman literal na nakikita sya.

Ayoko sabihing pangarap ko lang sya. Hindi ko sya pinangarap. Kung may choice lang ako, titigil naman talaga ako. Eh anong magagawa ko, nagmamahal ako.. At ang masaklap, hindi nya kayang ibalik ang mga nararamdaman ko.

Ngunit kahit ganun, masaya ang pagmamahal ko. Dahil nagmamahal ako. Wala mang kapalit, okay lang. Kasi hindi ko naman sya pangarap.

Mahal ko sya. Mahal ko pa din sya. Sa kabila ng mga nagdaang panahon, mahal ko pa din sya. Pero ngayon, iba na.