I miss you and all the things that we usually do..

I miss you and all the things that we usually do..

This applies to people I miss.. Yung mga taong wala na sa buhay ko ngayon. Yung mga taong, kahit alam mong nandyan lang, hindi mo pa din magawang kausapin (or hindi na pwedeng kausapin). Yung mga taong hindi na pwedeng isama sa bagong buhay ko.

Namimiss ko sila. Masakit na wala man lang nageffort na maisama sila sa bagong buhay ko. Siguro ganon nga talaga.

Higit sa lahat, namimiss kita. Alam kong nakamove on ka na. At ako din naman. Pero namimiss pa din kita. Hindi na katulad ng dati, siguro yung friendship nalang. Ingat ka palagi. Mas safe ka kapag malayo ako sayo.

Inexpressibly Train of Thoughts..

Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig, yung may yelo pa, nung nalaman ko ang balita.

Ako: Andyan na ba si dean?

R: Oo, nakausap ko na. Ayaw eh. Ano nang gagawin ko?

Ako: Si sir ba nakausap nyo na?

R: Hindi pa nga. Hahanapin namen.

Ako: Anong sabi ni dean?

R: Madami na daw syang nireject. Ayaw nya na talaga.

....

Nasa biyahe ako nyan, ng biglang sinabi ng bestfriend ko yan. Biglang tumigil ang mundo ko at madaming thoughts ang tumakbo sa utak ko, pero pinakauna dun, paano na sya?

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam ang tamang emosyon na dapat maramdaman. Halo halong emosyon ang nararamdaman ko, hindi ko alam kung tama pa ba na maramdaman ko yung iba. Pero yung pinakabottom line, ayoko na hindi sya makaenrol sa law school. Ayoko na hindi sya makasama hanggang maging abogado kami. Ayoko masaktan sya. Ayoko na ma-in dispair sya. Ayoko mawala sya sa sirkulasyon.

Lord, please, make a move. Ikaw nalang po ang last resort nila sa puntong 'to. Lord, please, kayo na po bahala sa kanila. I believe in You. I claim Your victory. Thy will be done!

Loud and Clear!

"The Lord is what you really need.."

Yesterday, I was trying to look for a place where I can think, mourn (and probably cry), study and just to plainly vent out my frustrations and unexpressed feelings that happened earlier that day. I' gave up and just headed home instead. On my way home, I called my friend that I wasn't waiting for him anymore, I have to go home now, after the call, tears uncontrollably fell. Maybe because I felt alone (because I was really alone that time). I looked miserable, probably, but I don't care. I was finally feeling something, although it was a negative feeling, I'm glad I am reacting the right way because earlier that day, when the complicated thing was happening, I was just smiling like a fool. Anyway, as I was heading home, a girl rode on the jeepney that I was riding. The usual people that gives envelopes and collects for donations for their religious groups/organizations. I flipped the envelope, and there it was! The thing that comforted me and made me pass through the day without commiting any stupidity, set in bold letters, "The Lord is what you really need.."

In the darkest and saddest (exaggeration provided) moment of my life, the Lord never fails to comfort me. This was a reassurance that I am still beautiful, I am loved and that I am His daughter, destined for greater things in life. In that moment, I prayed to God, to change my attitude and how I was seeing the situation at hand. I can not be sad about what happened and maybe break my promise and vent it out to the wrong and unconcerned people.

So instead of mourning and crying, I thought of productive things I would do when I get home. That included things that I want to try to sort of ease the intense emotions I am feeling at that moment, and I thought of drinking by myself. Stupid isn't it? But I wasn't drinking to drown out the emotions. I drank because I wanted to fall asleep fast because I know I would be doing stupid things if I overthink again and it was just 7pm that time and I needed the rest and all other excuses that would apply to this. But I haven't tried drinking Tanduay Ice even though it was out in the market for a while now. I discreetly bought it and drank it while checking some things online, and then I went to sleep.

But then, the effect was short lived, I was awaken at 11pm and just decided to study. I was productive because I was able to make a reviewer for the final leg of our finals. And then, overthinking got the best of me and I texted other people and I thought of making this note.

The phrase that I had read helped me. If I wasn't able to read that, may be all I did was to cry uncontrollably and finally lose my drive to study for the most crucial final examination and maybe do more stupid things that I might regret later on. I'm glad.It might hurt right now but I know I'll be fine eventually. And I know the Lord has better plans for me for all of us. And whatever that is, I'm just praying that the Lord would give me the right attitude to still move forward for now and wait for His great plans to unfold right before me. I'm excited, happy and finally contented..:) Maybe I just need to pray more often, and more specific this time..

*To you, I know you are hurting too. I ask the Lord to grant you a strong heart to still endure waiting for your love. Thank you and I'm still praying for you. I never stopped including you in my prayers ever since I got to know you. Please study harder.. Godbless!

Unforgettable yet untrue..

It was rare for me to dream these days. I haven't had a single dream for months now. But when I do, I just can'tignore it because it signifies that I am wanting more..

We were in an event. It was like an event for the whole college sponsored by all fraternities/sororities and organizations. It seemed like I was a member of that fraternity already or maybe we are just with them because as always, we were friends with some of them. We were waiting for the brothers to arrive, of course it was me and my closest girl friends who were there. Then the door signaled for the arrival of the brothers so the sisters stood up to greet the them. He was at the back of my professor who is a member of that fraternity too. I turned and walked away and sat at our table earlier. I was surprised when the music changed and he walked up to me and asked for my hand to dance. I accepted it. And then we went to the dance floor, I noticed we were the only ones dancing at the middle of the dance floor. I think I enjoyed dancing although he’s not talking at all. Our bodies communicated to each other and our faces radiated the happiness. It was like I was caught up in the music that when it ended, It was like I was washed by iced-cold water and ran away when he was retrieving the music that we danced into. Like Cinderella, I ran and he followed. But in my dream I was invincible so he wasn’t able to outrun me but in reality, he might have. And then I was lost. I didn’t know that the venue was some sort of a labyrinth. Every room I open was connected to another until I reached the very heart of the labyrinth where the fraternity were staying, I came across a room with someone showering in it. I knew it was him and he is about to come out so I looked for escape but I ran into someone and I ran as fast as I could. Good thing it was the way out. While running, I looked back and saw that he was about to chase me so I hid in a car and covered myself. He reached where I was but I don’t know why he pretended that he was not able to see me. He just uttered the words, ‘Please, wag dyan.’ Then I woke up.

A breather from an all - nighter..

Vim Ac Potestatem. 'To know the law is not just to know the words of the law, but their force and power.'

It's been a month since I entered the Polytechnic University of the Philippines, College of Law. And so far, I can bravely say that I am still alive and kicking! Haha! Kidding aside, I just wanted to write what I am really feeling about everything that is happening/ had happened to me as I endeavor through the intensive training/review for me to become the finest lawyer that I dreamed and wanted to become in the future.

Law School is what I assumed it to be, tough and hard. During the first week of formal classes, tons of cases are already assigned for us to read (and digest), numerous provisions of different codes are to be read, analyzed and memorized, unexpected humiliation and embarrassment during recitations from scary law professors, daily confinement in the library, enormously thick books to read and understand, you always have to carry it like the whole world is on your back, thus, the need for a heavy-duty, long lasting and considerably huge bags (I' using a backpack now because I don't want carrying a lot of things which right now, I do have), photocopy papers of readings amounting already to a size of the biggest Webster's Dictionary, you can already make a fire with my bag when you just mistakenly drop a lighted matchstick in it, and of course, an extraordinary school life where you meet a lot of great people and be friends with them and also, where you meet annoying, stupid people, who are just there because of the prestige of being an LLB student (well, I'm not sure if I'm one of those.:D). But a midst all these, I LOVE IT! Call me a sadista or what, but I really love what they are doing with us.

I can remember the day that I learned that I have passed the admission examination for this University's College of Law. I felt that I had passed the Bar. My expectations that the examination was hard and incomprehensible were high and I didn't believe I could get in at my first try. But God really intended for me to pursue this so now I stand firm with my belief that in four years time, I will graduate in this degree and will be able to pass the Bar at the first try.

Most of our professors had asked our reasons for choosing to endeavor in such a chaotic, dangerous and not to mention, a very tough profession when we can already make and earn money with the baccalaureate degrees we have already earned. And there I was, always wondering why am I here? What is my reason for pursuing a second degree. Not just a degree, but also the most prestigious profession in the Philippines.

And I often leave that question unanswered. I don't know why. I just wanted to. But always feel the pressure that it's a must that I have an answer to that question whenever it arises.

Why do I want to be a lawyer?

I have always wanted to be a lawyer. Ever since I was a child, I had always wanted to be on the practice of law. But as I grew older, those dreams where gaining so much distance from me. I have never been the best student that I wanted myself to be. And that continued until my collegiate years, taking up something that I loathed (because, hated would be an understatement). Enough of that anyway! Haha!

This dream didn't die in my heart. I already know I am destined for greatness a long time ago and I wasn't doing anything to achieve that greatness but the opportunity to study Law came and I knew, in my heart, this was God's path to greatness for me! And I, without any hesitations, took that opportunity, thus, I am now enrolled at one of the TOP 10 Law Schools.

I love the feeling of superiority. Blame it on the zodiac signs, a Leo always wants to be superior, a lion is the king of the jungle, so my destiny is to be at the top. I a going to do my best, give my all and everything to always become the better lawyer. Because in this life, many will say the same as what I have said, many would be exerting much more effort than what I can give, etc., but I need to always be the better lawyer.

I'm still at my first month. 3 years and 9 months to go for me to still train, read and comprehend all the law what has to say and mean. I have still more than four years to study harder, read faster, comprehend better and to still improve myself year after year.

And you know, I always wanted to be branded as the 'TOPNOTCHER'.

I hate my job..

Naramdaman mo na ba yung feeling na ayaw mo na, yung gusto mo na sumuko pero hindi mo magawa kasi matagal mong ipinagdasal na makuha yung ganoong bagay? Grabe lang.. Yan ang pakiramdam ko ngayon sa trabaho ko. I know I should be thankful, and yes I am thankful for it, pero talagang ayoko na.

Aside from the fact na maliit ang sahod don, hindi ko lang talaga Makita yung sarili ko na tatagal pa dun. Alam ko na sa simula palang na hindi ito yung pinangarap kong trabaho. Matagal din akong walang trabaho. At alam kong dahil sa hindi pa naman talaga ako seryosong maghanap talaga. At nung natanggap ako sa trabaho ko ngayon, there’s a part of me na nagsasabing, ‘yan lang ba ang kaya mo?’

Nahiya ako, kahit yung mismong job designation ko, ikinahiya ko. Ayoko na talaga sa trabaho ko. Lord, bigyan mo na po ako ng ibang trabaho. Yung trabahong kahit hindi ko gaanong gusto, enough na para tumagal ako. Ang dream job ko naman po talaga ay maging abogado. Gusto ko pong magkaroon ng trabaho na makakatulong sa akin na pag-aralin ang sarili ko, makakatulong kahit paano sa mga magulang ko at sapat na para mahalin ko kahit na hindi ko nay un trabaho kapag abogado na ako.

Lord, bigyan nyo din po ako ng mga mabubuting officemates. Yung mga kaya akong pakisamahan sa ugali ko at yung mga kaya ko din pakisamahan. Lord, bigyan mo din po ako ng boss na mabait. Yung madami po akong matututunan at mamahalin ko din at ituturing kong mentor talaga. Kayo na pong bahala panginoon. Ayoko nap o talaga sa Koop..

Salamat po..

Dear You..

January 19, 2011
01:36 AM

Dear you,

Noon ko pa iniisip kung dapat na ba kita kausapin. Ano ng una kong dapat sabihin? O kaya, anong pwede kong sabihin para tumingin ka sa kung nasaan man ako. O kaya, para man lang marecognize mo ang presensya ko. Matagal ko na iniisip kung ano talagang dapat ko sabihin sayo. Matagal na din kasi kita gusto kausapin eh. Pero sa tuwing makikita kita, hindi ko magawa. Wala ako masabi. Nanginginig pa nga ako eh. Hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin alam kung ano bang dapat sabihin o gawin.
I act strong in front of everyone kapag andyan ka. Sabi ko sa kanila, hindi naman ako apektado eh. Pero ang totoo, nakakahiya man sabihin, umiiyak ako kada matatapos ang araw na nakasama kita. Kasi masakit. Oo, strong ako, pero nanliliit ako kapag andyan ka. Ikaw lang ang nakakagawa nun sa akin. Na sa kahit presensya mo palang, ramdam ko na hindi tayo dapat nasa iisang lugar lang. para sa akin, lumiliit ang mundo kapag andyan ka. Tumitigil ang oras kapag napapalingon ako sa gawi mo.
Ang story natin, nakakalungkot, ewan ko kung meron nga ba talagang story. Alam mo kung anong nakakalungkot? Kasi hindi natin (or ako, for that matter) alam kung paano lulugar. At least siguro ako, hindi ko nga talaga alam. Honestly, hindi ko namalayan na ganito na tayo. Malungkot kasi hindi man lang kita naexperience maging kaibigan. Sabi nung iba, mayabang ka, weird ka, wag na kita pagkaabalahan kasi wala ka naming kwenta, wala naman daw ako mapapala sayo. Sinasaktan ko lang ang sarili ko. Sinubukan ko naman eh. Kahit sa sarili ko, hindi ko na maamin na apektado ako sa bawat ginagawa mo kasi nasasaktan ako. Para bang nawawalan ako ng self-esteem at self-worth. Hanggang ngayon kinakaya ko pa din. Pasensya na, baka matagalan, ang hirap lang kasi talaga.
Sa totoo lang, hindi ko naman talaga alam kung bakit ko ginawa ‘tong message na’to. Siguro para lang masabi ko sayo ang hindi ko masabi sayo ng harapan. Pasensya na kung naiinis, naaasar, or nasasaktan man kita in any other way. Gusto ko lang na may sabihin ka. Kahit pa negative yun. Basta magsalita ka. Gusto kong malaman kung dapat pa ba maghintay kahit parang wala naman talaga.