If the guy does nothing, you don't have a real problem.

“He may love you. He probably does. He probably thinks about you all the time. But that isn't what matters. What matters is what he’s doing about it, and what he’s doing about it is nothing. And if he’s doing nothing, you most certainly shouldn't do anything. You need someone who goes out of their way to make it obvious that they want you in their life.”

I have always thought about this. That is why I am not concerned about my love life. I am a princess. A princess daughter of God. I should not be putting my heart out there if the man is not ready to put his heart out first. I should patiently wait because God is preparing someone for me that can take on my strong personality.

If the guy does nothing, you don't have a real problem. Until he says he loves you and does something to prove it, the urgency to think about it arises. The need to feel what your heart says and decide if it is the time to commit. But until the guy does nothing, you don't have to do anything.

"Do you ever wonder why you don't have a boyfriend"

"Do you ever wonder why you don't have a boyfriend" - the freakiest question asked to me by someone.

Earlier this day, I was surprised that Ninang Jing was visiting. Maybe, it is because of Kim's uniforms. Why I seat in the dining table, eating my lunch. My mom and her started how fat I have looked from the moment she has known me up to this day. And then, the awful question was raised.

Of course, I have asked that several times. But I guess, I don't want my body to be the first reason why I guy liked me. I don't want to believe that physical appearance is the most appealing part of a person. I want to be liked as I am. It's not that I don't want to get fit, it's just that I refuse to believe that men are shallow beings that only look on the physical appearances of women.

It is depressing though when we measured my vital statistics. I had really gotten really big!

On Discipline and Determination..

It's depressing that I got 3 times fatter than I was 10 months ago..:( What was I doing? I have been saying that I have to lose weight before I graduate. And graduation is no where near, so may be, unconsciously, I also was delaying my way to fitness. 

Last Sunday, I slipped twice inside the gym, while wearing rubber shoes (for God sake!). Technically, three times when I tried standing up from sitting on the floor. The second was the worst because I had a bad fall and my foot got twisted, I think. It's not swollen but it feels weird because when I walk, I feel that my leg is falling off my knee, but it does not hurt that much. 

This is kind of a wake up call because when my feet cannot carry me anymore, the denial should stop and I should start minding my weight again. I should really stop denying that I really am super fat again. It scary because I having been slipping at flat surfaces for no reason at all and my feet are aching for standing, even though it's not that long. I get dizzy often and I have trouble balancing myself while walking. All my life, I have a problem with balance. What if one day, I had a bad fall which might cause me to no longer be able to walk or worst, hitting my head hard because of the fall and end up dead.

I hate that I can't fight the urge to stop eating junk food and drinking carbonated drinks. I need to work on my discipline and determination again. I hope, next summer, I would be wearing a swim wear at the family outing.

This is me now. How depressing, right?

I am looking forward to going back to this, or may be a lot slimmer than this. :)

Heart Break.

There are those things and people that can easily break through you. Sometimes, harsh words from other people you care about. For me, it is my family. It was not easy growing up with a family that looks warm in the outside but is really a breeding ground for perfection, at least that was how I felt. Over the years, I ponder on my childhood and adolescent life. I did not go through what most normal kids went through. As a child, I spent most of my time learning. It was not a problem back then. I like studying and I love reading. I did not know that it would pose as a problem later on. I was not allowed to play in the streets at the early age of 7 and I was not allowed or the thought of bringing friends in the house to play was frowned upon. So eventually, I stopped inviting friends over and just buried myself into my studying and rewarded myself by reading the books I want to read, for leisure. When I was in High School, I was not exactly bullied but I was not also the most favorite person in my batch. I was not also exactly invisible. I was seen but not exactly seen. My interests were not really the same as theirs. Eventually, I become a YFC and spent less time in school than I did before. I got dropped from Pilot section to the Regular section, so I had lesser time in school than usual because I don't have to attend debate classes anymore.. My life revolved around the YFC community even I went through college and cross over - ed to SFC when I was in transition through my last year in YFC.

I was always perceived as strong. At least the people in my circle thinks I am strong. And sometimes, being strong for others or for the things that matter is so exhausting like you just wanted to rest and rely on other people too. Lucky for me, I have learned early in life that the only person you can rely on in this cruel world is yourself and the Lord  Sure, you may have your set of true friends and there is also your family. But they really don't know what you really are going through. They know only half of the things that you allow them to know. But the Lord knows everything. You don't need to hold back because He already knows even if you don't say a word. He knows the whole story. Even the things that You do not know that resulted to your current situation. 

There are those people that can break you. I can take on whatever people throws at me, but when it comes to my family, I easily break. May be because I grew up to not be expressive or I have a hard time expressing my feelings that I breakdown whenever we talk about sensitive issues. As for me, the most sensitive issue is my studies. I am pursuing a Law Career and recently, I stumbled upon a pit stop. Of course I was devastated. I did not expect and had not prepared for it so when it came, I did not know how to react. And my family kept badgering me that I needed to decide and move on fast. But I was still in shock. I needed time to mourn and bask in the shadows of this road block. So what I did was, I did not talk to them much and I sulked in the comfort of my computer and series in silence. I was also processing things slowly in my mind, trying to figure out the next concrete stop. There were to options, take a detour or wait for the road to be repaired so I can go on with my journey to hurdle the Bar.

I chose to wait. I chose to appeal my cause to the Dean and get a second chance at finishing Law at PUP. I do not know what is down the road. It scares me, but whatever it is, I trust that will hold my heart and will always remind me that everything is for a greater cause, and that is to glorify Him through my studies. I pray that the Lord will with me until the fulfillment of the promise. :) I AM RELIEVED AND HAPPY NOW, THANK YOU LORD!

My Big Blessing..

Last Sunday, I joined in the household of my other SFC sisters. The topic was LOVING THE UNLOVABLE. One of the questions was, What is your big blessing?

Over the course of the summer, I feel like I am not getting any blessing. I flunked 12 units of my units enrolled which leaves me a vulnerable heart and a dismissed status. I was really devastated. But I couldn't react in a proper way, if there is any proper way to react on this. I was not thinking because if I would, I would lash out on anyone. My mom was the regular recipient of my lashing out because she always asks me about my future plans. You see, I am not the persons that wants to be rushed. I want to do things, my way. I want to do things at my own phase, regardless if people would say that I am kind of slow or I seem that I don't have a plan. And I don't like revealing my plan. You see, I don't like to be understood. I like complications. I'm complicated that way. :D

Anyway, as I was pondering about my big blessing, I stumbled upon the fact that I am appealing in my 3rd year. There is a policy in my school that dismisses a student if he/she failed more than half of the units enrolled. But there is an appeal, and they will still allow you to enroll with a condition that you pass all the subjects that you will enroll in that semester.

I realized that I am blessed that the Lord waited for me to get to 3rd year to punish me. I know I did not do everything that I need to do in order to pass. But this time, I am determined to do it. I am determined to pass it and to take on the real responsibility of this career that I am pursuing. Thank you Lord!