This Is My ‘Thank You’ To You, And This Is My Goodbye

The most painful goodbyes are the ones that were never said or left unexplained.

I want this to be my goodbye—the sun had already set for us and the morning star can’t light our way out of the dark night. The senseless crashing of the waves against the shore echoes the rage deep within me but I have nothing left to fight about and the horizon is draped in red and orange and yellow, a tapestry of a perfect illusion, something that we can’t replicate anymore.

We have carelessly thrown the words out and left each other beaten and hurt beyond repair; destroyed each other beyond recognition.

I understand we are still in the process of growing up, fixing ourselves with the broken pieces that our previous affairs left us with. But growing up means we are going to lose people whom we thought will stay, people whom we thought will accept the series of good and bad in us, people whom we thought will catch us when we fall. And no books or TV series or Antoinette Jadaone movies can prepare us for those crashing moments.

I know growing up is also giving ourselves the chances we deserve. But a part of me knew that the moment we started giving chances are the same chances that crashed the foundations we’ve built and we’ve found each other in this kaleidoscope of loud, worn out heartbeats that no longer sync.

Our happy memories, no matter how colorful and taunting, can no longer help advance our relationship forward.

I guess, partly, I am to be blamed because I thirsted and hungered for more when I knew I shouldn’t. But perhaps, you are to be blamed as well because you never opened up and accepted me for my flaws when that’s all I ever wanted to begin with. The nuances that we have drew a fault line that shook violently and left us crumbling down.

Perhaps there is a reason why we were drawn together for a brief period of time and we are destined to fall out eventually. With you, I learned how to be strong and how to face the world alone. I’ve experienced feelings that were once alien to me, feelings that I needed to process and understand and define. With you, I saw the world from a different perspective.

You taught me how to find the person that I am today; the version that I never thought would be me.

I wish I could know what you learned from me. But you have a different way of dealing with things. I wish I could know how I’ve impacted you but I dare not ask. I believe that there are things that are better left unsaid.

In this moment, there is no Begin Again or If Ever You’re In My Arms Again. There’s just Last Kissand All Too Well. We can no longer save the sinking ship, we can no longer stop the growing wild fire, and we cannot force the storm to weather. We have grown tired and we are afraid of giving it another try because we know we can’t say hello without risking another goodbye.

So let this be it, my farewell to the past we shared.My goodbye to you. I guess this is where we end. No more road-blocks. No more anxiety. Let’s give each other a breather. Let’s give each other a break. 

Thank you. I love you.

"Habang ikaw ay naririto sa dibdib, ipaglalaban ko'ng ating pag-ibig. Sa lahat ng paghihirap at pasakit, ako'y handang magtiis. Hangga't di kita lubusang maintindihan, aaminin ko ang aking pagkukulang."

Ito yung kinakanta ko kapag wala na maintindihan sa mga inaaral ko sa Law School before, lalo na sa Civ Pro.

The study of Law is much like being in a relationship. Napakadaming hugot sa batas na pwedeng irelate sa relasyon. Ang dami ko ng nabasang pwedeng irelate sa mga pinagdadaanan ng mga kaibigan ko or pinagdadaanan ko.

Anyway, kanta ko din yan sa mga taong mahal ko. Lalo na kapag di ko na sila maintindihan. Kapag mahirap nanaman sila mahalin at ang sarap i-high five ng monoblock sa muha. :D

Iintindihin kita kasi mahal kita. Kakayanin ko kasi mahal kita. Hindi tayo pero hindi naman ibig sabihin nun hindi kita pwedeng mahalin. I guess I will always be a little bit in love with you. Lalo na I had many firsts with you. Pero hanggang dun nalang yun. Hanggang dito nalang tayo. We part ways here.

Gusto ko na kasi maging masaya. Humihingi lang ako ng closure sayo because I want peace. I know now that you will never give me that. You will let me live wit the guilt that I ruined us. But hon, sana narealize mo na yung mga mali mo, starting with Val and your exes thereafter, and me. I know okay ka lang na mag-isa, pero wag mo ijustify sa sarili mo na kami ang palaging mali kaya ka naiiwan. Realize that you are the problem. I don't know about them, but you are my problem.

Tinanong mo 'ko dati kung bakit di pa ko lumayo. I guess I was waiting for you to realize na mas mahirap intindihin yung ugali mo and that you love me to much to change for me. Kaso hindi eh.

Pero okay na. I will always miss you. Maybe I will still send you a message from time to time. Maybe I will still call you. But I will try not to. Please don't change your number anymore.

When I look back at the year that I took the bar, I will think of you and how happy you made me and made me realize tht I am capable of the things I thought I can't do and it was because I loved you and I have been loved you.

Thank you. I love you.

Please help me.

Lord, is this a phase? Do I really need to get through this? When I think of my future and I look at the year that I took the bar, it's really a gruesome year for my body and my heart. Why did I have to meet Ian this year? Why did I have to fall in love with him? Why did I have to go through this? Why did it have interfere with my review?

Lord, i am not questioning Your wisdom. I know you have a reason for everything. Please enlighten my mind and my heart so I can understand why these things happened to me. Please help me.

Lapses

Huli na 'to..

Matatapos din lahat ng 'to. Makakabangon din ako. Makakalimutan din kita. Ngayon nasasaktan ako, nahihirapan at madami pang halo halong emosyon. Siguro ikaw din. Napakahirap sakin na parang tayo pero hindi tayo. Hindi ko yun kaya Ian. Nasa high school ba tayo para maghintayan? Ang alam ko matagal na natin naabot yung tamang edad. Black and white lang ako. Sinubùkan ko sa grey area. Napakadaming bagay ang hindi ko naintindihan. At di ķo yun pwede isabay sa bar. Ikaw din, napakadami mong iniisip, di mo pwede isabay sa bar. Ayoko ng wala akong naiintindihan. Ayoko ng wala akong kontrol. Ayoko ng pakiramdam na nakadepende ako sa desisyon ng iba. Kung may choice lang ako ngayon, ako na susuporta sa sarili ko. Narealize ko, kahit gaano pa kita kamahal, di ko kaya maghintay lang sa kung kailan mo ko kakailanganin, kakausapin at papansinin. Hindi ko kaya na wala ako sa priority list mo habang ikaw kinoconsider kita sa lahat ng pangarap ko. Hindi ko na rin gusto marinig at intindihin yung mga pinagdadaanan mo habang ikaw ang dali lang sayo baliwalain yung emosyon at mga pinagdadaanan ko. Hindi ako selfish, alam mo yan. Sanay tayo ng wala tayong kasama kaya panahon na para totoong maghiwalay tayo. Huli na 'to. Ayoko na. Di ako galit. Ayoko na may maramdaman.

To quote something from the blog post you sent me before, "She knows when to stop, when to let go and when to start, when to drop the cowardice and when to fight for love…" I know now that I have to stop waìting for you, I have to let go and start living a life without you. I don't have to be scared to live a new life without you because now, I am done fighting for your love.

I want you now

I want you now.

I want your tongue in my pussy. I want you to kiss me again intensely like there's no tomorrow. I want you to make cum that body shaking orgasm.

I know you can.

I want to be a real citizen of the world.

I want to be an international lawyer, deal about issues on a global scale. Look at the world as a whole because I believe that the world issues are interconnected and we should look at it in a bigger picture, on a global scale.

I want to be a writer. I want to write about things that matter. Things that make us who we really are. Things that make sense. Things that will make us figure out what we really need and love and how to get by with life in a world such as ours.

I want to be an events organizer. I want to see the look of happiness in people's faces when they see that their ideal events happen, when their ideas come to life. I love seeing my ideas come to life. I love making other people happy and that I made it possible for them to be happy even for just a little while, in that event.

I also want to travel. I want to meet new people. Get to know their native language. Immerse in their culture. Learn their way of life.

I want to be a real citizen of the world.

When this is over..

I promised myself that I would hold my heart back for a little while longer. But I struggle in not telling you that I love you.

I still want you to feel that I care. I want you. I want us but I don't say I love you anymore.

There are a lot of things that I want to do with you after all of this is over. I want to see you and talk to you everyday because I miss you everyday. I want to kiss you and make love to you as often as we can, as long as we can.

But I know, the day that I see you again, the moment that we touch or kiss again, I'll be wanting for more. I'll be selfish again. You are addictive! 😂😂😂

So for now, I don't want to see you yet. I'll leave it to fate and to you if you want to see me too. If you can't make it to the send off, it's okay. If we won't see each other during the Bar month, it's okay too.

Bar muna. Pangarap muna. Next time nalang tayo kapag totoong oras na natin.😊