That stubborn 25 lbs. though! Ugh!

I have been trying to lose weight to prepare for my oath taking and lawyering career and also to get better and healthy. I wanted to start running. At my current weight of 160.3lbs, I think I have lost 30+ pounds. And that's something to be happy about. My goal weight is 135 lbs. but my mom said 120 lbs. should be my suitable weight as I am only 5'2". I lost 30 lbs. in less than a month. That is surprising since I have been trying to lose weight so many times and I will fail. But I think it is different now since I have been drinking green tea and apple cider vinegar on top of a healthy diet. I don't do much of exercising, but I have committed to walking (adding a kilometer everyday) and to doing 100 squats everyday. I can't see changes yet but people around me are saying a lost a lot off weight. I vowed to go to the gym once I hit 130 lbs. and lose that remaining 100 lbs. at the gym and look more stronger.

I've been watching mostly Youtube videos from positive people like Shameless Maya. Bright side, TED Talk, Absolute Motivation, Wil Dasovich and whatever positive stuff I stumble on.

I can't do anything yet since I am still on rehab. I haven't been physically active since forever and I live a very sedentary lifestyle. I recently had chiropractic procedure done on me and I still have to practice walking properly and gaining balance on my body and leg strength.

Ian and I sort of broke up again before the our 23rd monthsary and I don't know if she's coming back but I have said my piece. It's up to her now to make a move. Lately, I'e been exploring with my sexuality. It looks like I am not a lesbian and not bisexual. I just am. I am not attracted to any particular gender or both but I love who I love. I just am. Recently, Amber of Amber's Closeet brightens my day and also Lexine. These are lesbians but they kind of remind me of the potential that Ian can be if she happens to be more vocal and open about certain things, but only to me. I don't want her putting those stuff in the internet.

I also think that the things I see in Amber and Lexine are probably the qualities I am really looking for in a partner. I don't know. But this year, I just want to really focus on myself and getting better.

I wish..

I have always been thinking of what our might have looked like together. With us living together as lawyers. You have your law firm while I work as a corporate lawyer and we have a business that we partnered up but I have my own coffee shop and events management business. We're so busy but we prioritize each other. I wish you would be there when I need you. I can't put you as an emergency contact because you are hard to reach. I wish you would listen to me when I have something to say, be it important or random, like how I would listen to you. I wish I could see you whenever I want to like how normal couples would when they miss each other. I wish you would just say sorry and own up to your faults but I can't make you do all that. This things should come out naturally when you love a person. That's how I know I love you more than you love me. I committed to you but you haven't committed to me. I am loyal and honest to you more than you wanted to believe I am. Remember when you told me, you don't see us being together as a couple but you see yourself committing to me? Commiting to me means I am going to be your priority like how you would prioritize your family because I am doing that to you. I consider you part of my family because you are going to, eventually, be a part of it when I tell that were together. But I haven't felt prioritized at all. You do things on your own way. You don't discuss things with me. Once I ask about it, you go defensive on me. You don't always have the time for me but you always find the time to do other stuff that suits you. You don't trust me but I haven't done anything to destroy it. You destroyed it in your mind. You don't feel lucky to have me in your life anymore. How did that happen? Do you want someone else again in your life? Remember the last time you worked, there's that secretary that you compared me to but you chose me over her because I was supposed to be a lawyer by now. Where did my place in your future go?

I went through a lot from you and I can't see myself being ultimately happy again alone like before we got together but I know I will get there eventually. We could have been happy. Ours was never a normal type of relationship. We held back so many from each other. Some I just learned to hold back. And that should not be the case. I wanted you to be the first person to hear about the good, bad and the ugly stuff that happens in my life. I want us to be there for each other all the time no matter the circumstances are. But I can't keep doing it with just me doing all the hardwork for this relationship to work. I can't be doing all the compromise. If you love me like you always claim, let's talk, really talk. Or you could just let me go and always be scared of the possibilities.

Goals

Now that I can walk properly, I have goals that I must achieve. I tweeted that this year I would be able to run whenever I want and my goal is to end this year with a 10 km run. But first, I have to train my legs since I can't run and have not exactly been walking properly for almost 10 years. On March 9, there's a BTS run. I think my sister would be interested. I plan to take a 3 km run first. Maybe by May, I could do the 5km run already.

I also want to be able to climb a mountain this year. I'm not yet sure how I would do it though but I know some people who might be able to help.

I also want to travel. A local trip and at least an international trip. I want to see and do so many things.

But I need to work. In order to have time and money, I need to do it online.

I am very grateful. I feel like Ariel when she had legs and Belle when she saw THE library. I'm so excited!

Trust. Big word.

Alam mo ba kung bakit big deal sakin na wala kang tiwala sakin? Nung una, natatakot ako na baka makahanap ka ng iba na kakayanin mong magtiwala ulit. Sabi mo mahal mo ko. Pero paano pag dumating yung taong kakayanin mo magtiwala at mahal mo na, pano na ko? But that was selfish of me. Mas hindi ko pala kaya yung thought na hindi mo na kakayanin magtiwala at all. Sabi mo hindi ka gumagawa ng move to damage our relationship. Hindi ka nakikipagmingle sa mga taong pwedeng maging threat satin. But I think that's wrong. All the more na dapat ka makipagmingle and kindly let them down because you are committed to me or baka mahanap mo yung taong para sayo. Nasabi mo na sakin na hindi mo na ko mahal, that you don't feel lucky to be with me. Those are just different words but what you're really trying to say is that you are no longer happy. You always felt that you've wronged me and that explaining yourself to me became a burden to you. Wala akong dinemand sayo kahit kelan. Oras at atensyon mo lang. Na parang sobrang hirap para sayo na ibigay. You once told me that I am your queen. Anong nangyari hon? But then, hindi okay, but I will get over it. Sorry.

I can walk again..

For a very long time, I can't walk normally. I can't walk properly. I have this dragging feeling on the left side of my body. I feel like a huge burden is in my holders. Literally. I finally went to the chiropractor yesterday. After some questions and assessments, the diagnosis was I have problem in my lower back and neck and that I had to go through Decompression, Correction and Dry Needling.

The Decompression was a procedure where they are pulling my spine and realign it again so that the 'gel' between them stops hitting some nerves that caused my discomfort in moving and walking. They too my weight, I forgot to ask why though. Then they had me lie down in a medical bed and strapped me in then had my legs up. I felt the pulling but it was not painful, it just felt like normal pull, like someone is pulling your head. After it, I felt much better, like a lot of weight was shed off the left side of my body

After that, I underwent a procedure called Correction. The chiropractor cracked my neck and spine to correct my posture. He also did some pulling to realign my legs because apparently, my left leg is really longer than my right leg. I felt very much unburdened at that time. It was like I was carrying so much weight on my shoulders. He didn't even touched my shoulders, just  my neck and spine.

Then I went through Dry Needling. According to Google, Dry needling, also known as myofascial trigger point dry needling,^[1][2][3][4] is the use of either solid filiform needles or hollow-core hypodermic needles for therapy of muscle pain, including pain related to myofascial pain syndrome. Dry needling is sometimes also known as intramuscular stimulation (IMS).^[1]

Chinese style tendinomuscular acupuncture relies on careful palpation of what are called "Ah Shi" points, which often correspond to both trigger points and/or motor points in the myofascial tissue. Chinese style tendinomuscular acupuncture tends to use lower gauge (thicker) needles necessary for puncturing contraction knots with a high degree of precision. On the other hand, lighter styles of acupuncture, such as Japanese style, and many American styles, may tend towards very shallow insertions of higher gauge (thinner) needles. Most acupuncture styles, especially those with lighter techniques, require a detailed knowledge, not only of anatomy but also of the channel networks and connections. Thus, while some forms of acupuncture are not at all the same as dry needling, the term dry needling can refer quite specifically to what is now called Myofascial Acupuncture, Tendinomuscular Acupuncture, or some version of Sports Acupuncture.

The procedure was not that painful for me, but the painfulness varies upon the age and pain tolerance. The physical therapist did my lower back and neck. She said this was to release some tension in my muscle that weren't caught in the other procedures I have undergone.

Today, I feel more inn control with y body. I feel excited whenever I can do things that I was not able to do for a very long time. Earlier, I tried going down the stairs like how normal people would do it. I was able to do it. But my father warned me to not over do it because I might wear off my body. 

As of this writing, I am sitting straight up, I don't have back pains and I don't feel tingling in my hands. I still look down because I got to it but apparently my Nystagmus i also cured but I have a poor eyesight so I still wear the glasses.

Btw, the earphones and weighing scale I ordered was delivered today. It's an exciting day! I'm looking forward to walking and running whenever I want to and do the things that I can't do before especially, the things that I have to do.

Midnight thoughts

Alam mo ba hon, sa totoo lang, nahihirapan akong lumapit sayo. Minsan, magsasabi ako ng nararamdaman ko and you will just dismiss it or interrupt me. Gusto kong magsumbong sayo, sabihin sayo mga thoughts ko or the lack of it, kausapin ka kc kailangan ko ng makikinig sa mga thoughts ko, o kaya marinig at makasama ka lang bilang ikaw nalang kc yung pinagkakatiwalaan ko ngayon. Tinatanong mo sakin dati bakit sa iba ako nagsasabi ng tungkol satin? Siguro kasi hindi ka nakikinig sakin. Hindi mo ko pinapakinggan. Yung gusto mo lang yung pwede natin pag-usapan. O kaya mas marami ka lang ibang dapat unahin. Hindi ko na alam kung andyan ka lang ba pag gusto ko na magsalita. Bakit yung mga kaibigan mo, ang daling makalapit at makapagsabi ng problema nila sayo at andyan ka lang para makinig pero ako na gf mo, hindi ka nakikinig? Bakit hindì ko maramdaman na mahal mo talaga ako? When you told me you don't love me anymore, that scarred me and since that day, di ko na naramdaman ulit na mahal mo nga ako.

When I talk about other people, intro lang yun to me about to talk about myself, what I did within the day. Pag nagkkwento ka about work, employees nyo and officemates, pinapakinggan kita kc andun yung mga ginawa mo within the day. I want to hear what you did within the day, at least dun nakainclude man lang ako sa buhay mo.

Sabi mo, nung may work ako or nung busy ako, di ako emotional. Tingin mo kc wala akong trabaho ngayon, ang dami kong napapansin. Mali ka dun. You have our conversations, pwede mo iverify. Feb. 13 ka nagtext sakin na ako pa rin. Prior to that, wag ka magalit dito, vague ang status natin. Yung mga sumunod na araw, palagi na ko may sakit, tapos resignation. Di ko na matandaan yung mga nangyari ng march, april na ulit, nung day before  bday mo, tinawagan mo ko. Tapos may nag-away tayo.

Sorry, sumasabog yung thoughts and emotions ko ngayon. Hindi ko talaga kaya ng tahimik lang. I don't blame you at all. Pinipili ko pa rin naman na bumalik sayo kahit nagkakasakitan lang tayo kc mahal pa rin kita. Sinasabi ko 'to kc baka lang hindi mo alam. Mahal kita. Dapat no expectations. Pwede bang sayo lang ako habang hindi pa nangyayari yung sinasabi mo? Kahit hindi mo ko mahal, okay lang. Ikaw lang naman gusto ko eh.