I hate my job..

Naramdaman mo na ba yung feeling na ayaw mo na, yung gusto mo na sumuko pero hindi mo magawa kasi matagal mong ipinagdasal na makuha yung ganoong bagay? Grabe lang.. Yan ang pakiramdam ko ngayon sa trabaho ko. I know I should be thankful, and yes I am thankful for it, pero talagang ayoko na.

Aside from the fact na maliit ang sahod don, hindi ko lang talaga Makita yung sarili ko na tatagal pa dun. Alam ko na sa simula palang na hindi ito yung pinangarap kong trabaho. Matagal din akong walang trabaho. At alam kong dahil sa hindi pa naman talaga ako seryosong maghanap talaga. At nung natanggap ako sa trabaho ko ngayon, there’s a part of me na nagsasabing, ‘yan lang ba ang kaya mo?’

Nahiya ako, kahit yung mismong job designation ko, ikinahiya ko. Ayoko na talaga sa trabaho ko. Lord, bigyan mo na po ako ng ibang trabaho. Yung trabahong kahit hindi ko gaanong gusto, enough na para tumagal ako. Ang dream job ko naman po talaga ay maging abogado. Gusto ko pong magkaroon ng trabaho na makakatulong sa akin na pag-aralin ang sarili ko, makakatulong kahit paano sa mga magulang ko at sapat na para mahalin ko kahit na hindi ko nay un trabaho kapag abogado na ako.

Lord, bigyan nyo din po ako ng mga mabubuting officemates. Yung mga kaya akong pakisamahan sa ugali ko at yung mga kaya ko din pakisamahan. Lord, bigyan mo din po ako ng boss na mabait. Yung madami po akong matututunan at mamahalin ko din at ituturing kong mentor talaga. Kayo na pong bahala panginoon. Ayoko nap o talaga sa Koop..

Salamat po..

Dear You..

January 19, 2011
01:36 AM

Dear you,

Noon ko pa iniisip kung dapat na ba kita kausapin. Ano ng una kong dapat sabihin? O kaya, anong pwede kong sabihin para tumingin ka sa kung nasaan man ako. O kaya, para man lang marecognize mo ang presensya ko. Matagal ko na iniisip kung ano talagang dapat ko sabihin sayo. Matagal na din kasi kita gusto kausapin eh. Pero sa tuwing makikita kita, hindi ko magawa. Wala ako masabi. Nanginginig pa nga ako eh. Hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin alam kung ano bang dapat sabihin o gawin.
I act strong in front of everyone kapag andyan ka. Sabi ko sa kanila, hindi naman ako apektado eh. Pero ang totoo, nakakahiya man sabihin, umiiyak ako kada matatapos ang araw na nakasama kita. Kasi masakit. Oo, strong ako, pero nanliliit ako kapag andyan ka. Ikaw lang ang nakakagawa nun sa akin. Na sa kahit presensya mo palang, ramdam ko na hindi tayo dapat nasa iisang lugar lang. para sa akin, lumiliit ang mundo kapag andyan ka. Tumitigil ang oras kapag napapalingon ako sa gawi mo.
Ang story natin, nakakalungkot, ewan ko kung meron nga ba talagang story. Alam mo kung anong nakakalungkot? Kasi hindi natin (or ako, for that matter) alam kung paano lulugar. At least siguro ako, hindi ko nga talaga alam. Honestly, hindi ko namalayan na ganito na tayo. Malungkot kasi hindi man lang kita naexperience maging kaibigan. Sabi nung iba, mayabang ka, weird ka, wag na kita pagkaabalahan kasi wala ka naming kwenta, wala naman daw ako mapapala sayo. Sinasaktan ko lang ang sarili ko. Sinubukan ko naman eh. Kahit sa sarili ko, hindi ko na maamin na apektado ako sa bawat ginagawa mo kasi nasasaktan ako. Para bang nawawalan ako ng self-esteem at self-worth. Hanggang ngayon kinakaya ko pa din. Pasensya na, baka matagalan, ang hirap lang kasi talaga.
Sa totoo lang, hindi ko naman talaga alam kung bakit ko ginawa ‘tong message na’to. Siguro para lang masabi ko sayo ang hindi ko masabi sayo ng harapan. Pasensya na kung naiinis, naaasar, or nasasaktan man kita in any other way. Gusto ko lang na may sabihin ka. Kahit pa negative yun. Basta magsalita ka. Gusto kong malaman kung dapat pa ba maghintay kahit parang wala naman talaga.

More than one month to go and it's bye bye 2010. When I read what I have written early this year, I am surprised that I haven't accomplished much of what I have listed from the New Year's resolution that I have planned. Sad, but I think I have to do it again.

Oh well, there's still a month or two before I make another list of resolutions so I better start doing the others that are possible to be done in a month..:)

First..

First Friend, First Chum..
First Enemy, First Foe..
First Star, First A
All happened in Grade School..

First Crush, First Love..
First Dance, First Kiss..
First Boyfriend, First Heartbreak..
All happened in high school..

First of everything..

Drama.Drama.Drama

Hindi naman talaga ako madaling magalit. Pero ewan ko ba, nagalit ako talaga ko dun sa nangyari. Pinaramdam sa akin na cheap ako. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung saang parte ako nagagalit. Kung sa reason ba na nalaman kong may girl na sya, dahil nalaman kong wala pala syang gusto sa akin at para akong pinaasa, dahil tinawagan ako ng girlfriend nya o dahil nagmukha akong patay na patay sa kanya.
Naiinis ako. Inis na inis. Sa sobrang inis ko, gusto ko syang murahin at sampalin. Pero hindi ko naman magagawa yun dahil hindi yun ang style ko. Sa unang pagkakataon, nagmukha akong mababa. Sa unang pagkakataon, nahusgahan ako ng hindi ako kinikilala ng lubusan. Nakakainis dahil hinayaan nyang mangyari sa akin yun. First time ko magkacrush ng hindi ko alam ang pinagmulan, ganito pa ang nangyari.
Actually, may mali din naman ako. Kasi tinetext ko sya, at nawrong send pa ko sa kanya. Bading naman talaga ang tingin ng mga kaojt ko sa kanya. Ako na nga lang yung nagtatanggol na hindi sya bading eh, tapos ganito pa.
Gusto ko sya kausapin, madali naman mawala ang init ng ulo ko eh. Lalo na kapag mababaw lang ang dahilan. Tsaka ayoko ng kaaway. Ayoko ng feeling of uneasiness. Lalo na at empleyado pa sya sa pinag-oojthan ko. Gusto ko nalang syang kausapin, o baka ako pa yung maunang magsorry. Baka gawin ko yun bago ako umalis ng SMITS.
Bothered ako. Gusto ko pa din kasi sya. Badtrip no? Gusto din ako ng mga Goldmar para sa kanya. Boto sa love team namin kumbaga. Miss ko na makipagbiruan sa kanya. Gusto ko lang naman sya maging kaibigan kasi wala din naman kung itutulak ko yung nararamdaman ko eh pagtapos ng ojt, himala nalang kung magkita kami ulit.
Bahala na siguro, basta kelangan ko makipagayos sa kanya. Sa lalong madaling panahon.

Monday Madness..

My day was sort of idle and tiring. I woke up at 6:00 am and served my dad “sopas” for his breakfast and cereals for me. I took my morning walk at 6:45 am, and i noticed that my right side of the stomach was aching but I continued walking. I walked for 30 minutes and came back to see my sister already up to prepare for her school.

I sat and ate a slice of bread with liver spread and contemplated on whether to drink coffee or not. I made coffee in my tumbler while still contemplating if I should drink it. In the end, I threw it in the sink and resorted to drinking water instead because it is one of my resolutions for this year.

I surfed the internet for half an hour and gave up when I felt my eyes where shutting down so I went to my room and slept for 3 hours. I woke up again at 1pm feeling hungry, so I ate my lunch and later prepared for my 6pm class. This took me about 2 hours to finish all of this. at 3:45, I went to school by jeep and thought that it would help me if I would walk again from stop and shop to PUP, and so I did. I arrived at the school seeing some of my classmates were already there.

The classes were boring because it’s the first day of the resume of classes. Luckily, the professors dismissed us early. So at 8:30pm, I’m already on my way home. Before riding the tricycle, I bought some ponkans to serve at dinner *my dinner actually*. And while on the tricycle,I thought again of walking from Pag-asa st to our house which I don’t usually do. So I went off the tricycle and started walking. Before going home, I stopped at a nearby store to load up my cellphone which is nearing its credit limit.

I arrived home seeing dad and mom on the living room and my sister on the mezzanine which I passed by first before going to the living room. Dad asked me about my health condition. And I said, I’m so tired *because I walked*. I’m palpitating yet I didn’t say a thing about it because I don’t want them to worry.

Mom says, she’s going to get me checked up tomorrow. Weird, because I am wishing that I do really have a heart ailment but on another thought, that would be hard not only for me but also for them.

I don’t know. I really don’t know.

Sunday Love..<3

It’s sunday. I tried my best to wake up early so I can accomplish things that I planned to do today. I wasn’t able to do 4 rounds of walking because my whole bdy is sore from the past days that I’ve been exercising and walking. But I did wake up at 5:00 in the morning but went back to sleeping ‘cause everybody’s still asleep.

I woke up at 8:30 to find momand dad in the living room. I prepared my necessities for the mass and went to take my bath and head off to the church. It didn’t go as I planned because I wasn’t able to go to Valle Verde country club for THE FEAST but I heard mass at the STA. CLARA DE MONTEFALCO.

After the mass, I went to National Book Store to buy “Para kay B” and a Planner so I can’t start writing on fresh paper. I end up buying three (3) book including TWISTED 8 1/2 by JESSICA ZAFRA, SHANGHAI NIGHTS and an inspirational book *forgot the title*.. I also bought 2 STABILO pens, a PILOT ballpoint pen, and a brown planner *that I liked because it has a single page for every date*.

The day went on having nothing to do so I just surfed the internet and I didn’t notice that the time flies so fast. My mom and sister went to mass, papa went to visit kuya and I was left alone in the house and was suppose to follow mom and my sister to the supermarket. Luckily, there where plates to wash in the sink so there was something to do while waiting for them to finish hearing mass and papa to come home.

I went to the supermarket at 5:30 and coincidentally saw Diane and her sister Trisha, and there 2 younger brothers Dave and Mark. Mom said they saw the two eating ice cream on their way home *their house is just few blocks away from the supermarket*.

We bought some food to stock in the house plus my separate diet food. When we were in the counter, I saw Enrik and Kuya EJ. I thought they weren’t able to see me but when were going home, Kuya EJ was at the exits and saw me. So I greeted him and introduced him to my mom.

My mom asked who he was when were outside the supermarket, not faraway from kuya EJ yet, and I bet he was able to see me murmuring something t my mom or maybe he heard it also.

I feel so embarassed about this incident. I really don’t know how to explain to mom about the split. I don’t think she would understand if I would go into details because she’s not in the community so I just said, “sila yung nasa kabila.”, but this is not the right thing to say.

Oh well, the day went on so well and I can’t feel the monday pressure everyone is feeling right now because I don’t have monday morning classes. My classes starts at 6pm and I haven’t started OJT yet, maybe on tuesday.

I wish I could start on tuesday so I won’t be frantic when the submission for manuals are on.

I want to thank God for giving me such a wonderful day..:)