My Big Blessing..

Last Sunday, I joined in the household of my other SFC sisters. The topic was LOVING THE UNLOVABLE. One of the questions was, What is your big blessing?

Over the course of the summer, I feel like I am not getting any blessing. I flunked 12 units of my units enrolled which leaves me a vulnerable heart and a dismissed status. I was really devastated. But I couldn't react in a proper way, if there is any proper way to react on this. I was not thinking because if I would, I would lash out on anyone. My mom was the regular recipient of my lashing out because she always asks me about my future plans. You see, I am not the persons that wants to be rushed. I want to do things, my way. I want to do things at my own phase, regardless if people would say that I am kind of slow or I seem that I don't have a plan. And I don't like revealing my plan. You see, I don't like to be understood. I like complications. I'm complicated that way. :D

Anyway, as I was pondering about my big blessing, I stumbled upon the fact that I am appealing in my 3rd year. There is a policy in my school that dismisses a student if he/she failed more than half of the units enrolled. But there is an appeal, and they will still allow you to enroll with a condition that you pass all the subjects that you will enroll in that semester.

I realized that I am blessed that the Lord waited for me to get to 3rd year to punish me. I know I did not do everything that I need to do in order to pass. But this time, I am determined to do it. I am determined to pass it and to take on the real responsibility of this career that I am pursuing. Thank you Lord!

KALMADO LANG.

In my 25 years of existence, nakakatuwa na nagpoprogress yung ugali ko. The other day, I was out with a friend. We talked about a lot of things. Tinanong nya ako kung in love pa ko. Sabi ko, oo naman, mahal na mahal ko yun pero kalmado lang.

KALMADO LANG.

Wala akong lowest point. Yung aabot sa punto na gugustuhin ko nalang na magresort sa kung ano pa mang bagay na makakapagpasatisfy lang ng mga nararamdaman ko. Alam ko na kasi na si God lang makakasatisfy sakin. Kalmado lang ako sa lahat. Siguro, nagsastruggle pa din ako na maging kalmado, kasi sa simula, hindi yun ang ugali ko eh. Pero dahil sa natutunan ko na agad nung teenager palang ako na walang mangyayari kung kakabahan ako at dapat magtiwala lang ako palagi sa Diyos, nabawasan yung mga takot at kaba ko.

Ano bang punto ko? Ang punto ko lang naman, matuto tayong mag-let go. Mag-let go sa mga nakakatakot at nakakakabang mga bagay at hayaan na natin si God yung trumabaho. Sabi nga sa isang lecture na narinig ko nung YFC pa ko, "LET GO AND LET GOD! Kapag nagawa mo na ang mga dapat mong gawin at umabot na sa puntong hindi mo na kontolado ang mga bagay bagay, magtiwala ka lang, si God na ang bahala."

Nakakatuwa na may ganitong community na katulad ng Couples for Christ. At nagpapasalamat din ako na maayos ang magulang na meron ako. Kasi kung hindi dahil sa kanila, may anak na siguro ako at napapabayaan ko sya kasi hindi ko alam ang ituturo ko dahil pariwara ang buhay ko.

"I love you. Probably, I always will. But it is really time to let go. Our lives, they will always be connected."

Starting Over Again..

"Andito sya. Gusto ko malaman kung bakit kami magkikitang muli." - Ginny, Starting Over Again (Star Cinema, 2014)

January 19, 2014 nung makita ko yung trailer nung movie. I feel inlove with the movie, agad agad, kaya sinabihan ko na agad si Anya, Jecai at CJ na papanoorin namin ‘to, sakto sa Valentine’s Day.:)

January 29, 2014, 10 days after, nagkita kami ni Jeff, ng hindi inaasahan. Matagal na kami hindi nagkikita, yung totoong kita, yung may kwentuhan, bilang magkaibigan. Nagkakasalubong kami paminsan sa mga SFC gatherings pero pinipili kong wag syang pansinin. Mas okay na sigurong walang nakakaalam na minahal ko sya bukod sa mga taong matagal na kaming kilala at sa mga taong malapit sa akin.

Tulad ni Ginny, natanong ko din sa sarili ko ‘to. For weeks, nagugulo ako ng tanong na yun. Mahirap sagutin. Lalo pa at may gf sya, tulad ni Marco sa movie na yun. Pero nasagot na kahapon (Feb. 15, 2014). Nanood na kami ng Starting Over Again, kaso wala si CJ kasi nasa CDO sya for the SFC ICON.

Minsan, kailangan mo ulit makita ang taong minahal mo sa nakaraan mo para magkaroon kayo ng closure. On my part, I believe kaya nagkita kami ulit kasi kinailangan ko na marealize na hindi na sya para sa akin. Kailangan ko na bitawan yung lahat ng nararamdaman ko sa kanya.

Palagi kong sinasabi, okay lang ako na hindi nya ako mahal, basta mahal ko sya, na hindi ako nasaktan ng nagkagirlfriend sya, na masaya pa nga ako kasi nagmamahal na sya. That’s not all true. At the back of my mind, in my heart, I am still hoping that he will learn to love me too, that eventually, he would realize that I was the one for him, nasaktan akong hindi ako ang nakagawa ng paraan para bumukas yung puso nya. I will regret not making him feel how much I love him. I will always love him. Pero sabi nga ni Marco, “I will always love you, but in a different way now.”

Nung nakita ko sya ulit. Bumalik lahat ng nararamdaman ko sa kanya, kasama pati kahihiyan at galit ko sa sarili ko. He is, really, that one guy, that can bring out everything in me, the best, including the worst in me. So maybe, it’s time to really let go of that love.

Just now, I unfriended him.Hindi pa kasi ako okay eh. I may be okay someday. Someday, just not now. I’m still thinking of disconnecting from other people connected with him but I think me and him, we’re always going to be connected because we are in the same community.

Someday, I’m going to meet the right person and I’m going to love him right.

And now I’m starting over again. I’m not saying I’m ready for love but I’m not closing my heart. After all, masarap sa pakiramdam ang love..:)

Random

Sana meron magparamdam sakin na okay na bumigay at magrelax kasi andyan lang sya, di naman nya ko iiwan. Yung kumbaga, makapagrelax at marecharge lang. Kaya ni God yun, pero sana may taong magparamdam sakin nun..

Prayer Time..

Today's second reading reminded me of my growing hatred towards my family. Last sunday, I went downstairs to ask my parents if I can already pay the tuition fee. My question was simple and can be answered by yes or no. I hate talking to my parents because I don't get the answers that I want or need. And I mostly hate it when my younger sister butts in and make the situation much worse. So, last Sunday, when I popped the question, I got the answer that I am fearing the most. Papa started ranting about my going to the mall the last Thursday and because I spent 500 pesos, I won't be able to pay my tuition yet. He furher ranted about how low his salary is and that his salary alone is not enough to suffice our needs and wants. What an absurdity! Papa has a high salary grade that I believe comes with the years of serving in the Government. Does he think he is talking to a naive 5 year old daughter? I am a 3rd year law student. I have already finished a four-year course. So please, give some credit to me. I know what you are talking about. I want you to tell me the truth, not the crap that you want me to believe. His salary alone goes to his medicines and maintenance.Okay, I get that. But please, stop blaming my schooling for all the set backs that we are experiencing now. It is not me whoabused your body that's why you end up sick like this. And then there's Mama. Okay, she tells the truth, but she exagerrates it. She is always saying that she's tired of looking out for the store but she needs to do it because I am still studying. And then there's my younger sister. She always thinks that the things that I ask from our parents are only wants and not needs. WTH! I don't get I want, and even most of my needs but do I complain about it to them? 

You see, there is a growing hatred inside me for my family and I hate it. I love my family and I don't want to hate them.

Lord, I lift up my heart to You. I don't want to hate my parents. Please, make me understand our situation so that I won't hate them anymore. Please, help us get through this. I know that after this, we will come out strong and bonded because of Your love.

Amen.

Let the Hunger Games begin!

I'm about to enter the hardest semester in my entire Law School life.. Lord, please, help me..