All the men I loved before..

In my 25 years of existence, I have fallen in love thrice. First was with Brian, during high school. 2nd was with Alvin, way back in college, and with Jeff, a year before my final year in YFC. All of these were not able to progress into a relationship. Let's just say, all of them were unrequited.

Anyway, I learned a lot during the times that was in love with them.

With Brian, I learned that a boy an a girl cannot stay as best friends. Either one of them will fall in love or both of them will fall in love. Either way, both can never go back to being JUST friends. Sadly, I was the only one that fell in love. That was my first heartbreak, and I never gotten over it until just recently.

With Alvin, I learned that giving everything for a person would not be enough for them to love you. If they really like you, you are more than enough. In my case, I am not enough. And I'm just not her type.

With Jeff, this taught me to be prayerful and patient. I applied what I learned before. Even though, some people say that I have to give him something so that he will see me, I didn't do it. I want him to like me for me. My love for him taught me to be loving to my family because I like the way he loves his family. I want a close family relations so when I got to see how loving he is to his family, It made me love my family in a special way. I learned to value friends because I saw how beautiful their friendship is. I try to be a loving friend to my friends and still act like a big sister when the situation calls for it. I learned to dream big because I can see how passionate his dreams are. He is one of the reasons I pursued my dream of becoming a lawyer. I learned to love God in an intimate way, because I saw that he has an extraordinary way of serving Him. He's not like the other brothers, he has a unique way of serving Him. I can't explain it but I love the way he stands out because he is out of the ordinary. I learned to be calm in times of distress, especially during decision making because I saw how composed and rational he thinks and makes decisions, not rushed yet powerful. You see, he's the kind of man I prayed for and still praying for. I don't love him like before but I am amazed how he got all of the qualities in my check list for the right man all perfect, even the negotiables. Sadly, I'm not the one for him. But I'm glad I learned all these from loving him.

I'm sure he's out there, also waiting for me. I know he has the qualities in my checklist, even the negotiables, and even more. I pray that he finds his way to my heart soon. I pray that we find each other in a time that we are both sure about ourselves and when we are really complete. I pray that the time is near.

I'm no longer on the cyberspace (sort of)

It's been a week since I decided to take on this fasting for lent of not using all my Social Networking accounts and be on a personal silent retreat. During the first few days, it was really hard to resist, so I pray whenever I have the urge to log in and check things on Facebook or Instagram or my other SNS. This has taught me to be more prayerful on the things that I have to sacrifice but having a hard time doing. Gradually, this set up is really teaching me things I never knew I could do when I am not online.

Here are a few things I learned over the week of sort of being out of the cyberspace. I learned that I really don't have to use the internet that much. Especially, because cases are available at the SCRA section of our library. I reasoned out to my parents before that I needed the internet/gadget in order to read cases. That's convenient for working students, but for a full-time student like me, it's called laziness.

I also found out that I don't have to stay online to stay connected. There are other ways, setting a meet up for example. I am getting a lot of texts now, rather than when I was always online. The past days of staying offline has gave me time and taught me to really communicate with my family inside our home, because I don't have to worry if I have a notification or someone has already commented or liked my posts. You really get to know who really your friends are because they look for you and wonder why you are not on Facebook anymore and really take the time to communicate with you.

I also found out that there are a lot of things I can do when I am not on the internet. I started out a diet and exercise program for myself. I don't know but I have a great feeling that this one will be a success. It gives me a reason to fix my schedule and stick to it. 

I can finish 5 movies a day, granted I don't have a lot of school stuff to do. Before, it takes me 8 hours to finish a 3- hour movie because I constantly pause and check my SNS, tiring right?

I haven't finished a book because I still have a lot of stuff to catch up on, but I started one..I have a good feeling I can finish A Song of Ice and Fire, The Blood of Olympus and Si by the time summer vacation starts.

I also have feeling that I'll have the time to travel and be one with the nature.

And of course, the reason for the season. I have a great feeling about this Holy Week. I get to connect with the Lord in the most special way and in ways I haven't connected with Him yet.

I am praying for courage to follow what my mind and heart dictates that are more eternal than physical, endurance to take on this fasting until Easter Sunday and probably be a habit, and compassion to other people that I, too, may recognize their struggles and help them to overcome it.

Never doubt in the dark what God has told you in the light

"Never doubt in the dark what God has told you in the light."

Here I am, 7 semesters and 3 summers past, and I am about to transfer to another Law School. I am transferring because I don't feel happy anymore in that Law School. It's not the study of Law that is wearing me out and giving me stress, it is the people around.

I need a change of environment. I alreaqdy recognized that last summer but I took no heed from it because I thought it is just a passing thought so I tried another semester in that school. Gradually, I lost my passion for the Law. I should have noticed that the second it affected my studies. I am in Law School to become a Lawyer and I should not be paying any attention that is not helping me achieve my goals.

As the next semester starts, I am positive that everything will change for the better. I hope to never get any failing grade again. I will strive harder for excellence. I am pushing for 2016 bar and I will become a Lawyer come 2017.

This fact has been promised to me by God and I am determined to achieve it.

If the guy does nothing, you don't have a real problem.

“He may love you. He probably does. He probably thinks about you all the time. But that isn't what matters. What matters is what he’s doing about it, and what he’s doing about it is nothing. And if he’s doing nothing, you most certainly shouldn't do anything. You need someone who goes out of their way to make it obvious that they want you in their life.”

I have always thought about this. That is why I am not concerned about my love life. I am a princess. A princess daughter of God. I should not be putting my heart out there if the man is not ready to put his heart out first. I should patiently wait because God is preparing someone for me that can take on my strong personality.

If the guy does nothing, you don't have a real problem. Until he says he loves you and does something to prove it, the urgency to think about it arises. The need to feel what your heart says and decide if it is the time to commit. But until the guy does nothing, you don't have to do anything.

"Do you ever wonder why you don't have a boyfriend"

"Do you ever wonder why you don't have a boyfriend" - the freakiest question asked to me by someone.

Earlier this day, I was surprised that Ninang Jing was visiting. Maybe, it is because of Kim's uniforms. Why I seat in the dining table, eating my lunch. My mom and her started how fat I have looked from the moment she has known me up to this day. And then, the awful question was raised.

Of course, I have asked that several times. But I guess, I don't want my body to be the first reason why I guy liked me. I don't want to believe that physical appearance is the most appealing part of a person. I want to be liked as I am. It's not that I don't want to get fit, it's just that I refuse to believe that men are shallow beings that only look on the physical appearances of women.

It is depressing though when we measured my vital statistics. I had really gotten really big!

On Discipline and Determination..

It's depressing that I got 3 times fatter than I was 10 months ago..:( What was I doing? I have been saying that I have to lose weight before I graduate. And graduation is no where near, so may be, unconsciously, I also was delaying my way to fitness. 

Last Sunday, I slipped twice inside the gym, while wearing rubber shoes (for God sake!). Technically, three times when I tried standing up from sitting on the floor. The second was the worst because I had a bad fall and my foot got twisted, I think. It's not swollen but it feels weird because when I walk, I feel that my leg is falling off my knee, but it does not hurt that much. 

This is kind of a wake up call because when my feet cannot carry me anymore, the denial should stop and I should start minding my weight again. I should really stop denying that I really am super fat again. It scary because I having been slipping at flat surfaces for no reason at all and my feet are aching for standing, even though it's not that long. I get dizzy often and I have trouble balancing myself while walking. All my life, I have a problem with balance. What if one day, I had a bad fall which might cause me to no longer be able to walk or worst, hitting my head hard because of the fall and end up dead.

I hate that I can't fight the urge to stop eating junk food and drinking carbonated drinks. I need to work on my discipline and determination again. I hope, next summer, I would be wearing a swim wear at the family outing.

This is me now. How depressing, right?

I am looking forward to going back to this, or may be a lot slimmer than this. :)

Heart Break.

There are those things and people that can easily break through you. Sometimes, harsh words from other people you care about. For me, it is my family. It was not easy growing up with a family that looks warm in the outside but is really a breeding ground for perfection, at least that was how I felt. Over the years, I ponder on my childhood and adolescent life. I did not go through what most normal kids went through. As a child, I spent most of my time learning. It was not a problem back then. I like studying and I love reading. I did not know that it would pose as a problem later on. I was not allowed to play in the streets at the early age of 7 and I was not allowed or the thought of bringing friends in the house to play was frowned upon. So eventually, I stopped inviting friends over and just buried myself into my studying and rewarded myself by reading the books I want to read, for leisure. When I was in High School, I was not exactly bullied but I was not also the most favorite person in my batch. I was not also exactly invisible. I was seen but not exactly seen. My interests were not really the same as theirs. Eventually, I become a YFC and spent less time in school than I did before. I got dropped from Pilot section to the Regular section, so I had lesser time in school than usual because I don't have to attend debate classes anymore.. My life revolved around the YFC community even I went through college and cross over - ed to SFC when I was in transition through my last year in YFC.

I was always perceived as strong. At least the people in my circle thinks I am strong. And sometimes, being strong for others or for the things that matter is so exhausting like you just wanted to rest and rely on other people too. Lucky for me, I have learned early in life that the only person you can rely on in this cruel world is yourself and the Lord  Sure, you may have your set of true friends and there is also your family. But they really don't know what you really are going through. They know only half of the things that you allow them to know. But the Lord knows everything. You don't need to hold back because He already knows even if you don't say a word. He knows the whole story. Even the things that You do not know that resulted to your current situation. 

There are those people that can break you. I can take on whatever people throws at me, but when it comes to my family, I easily break. May be because I grew up to not be expressive or I have a hard time expressing my feelings that I breakdown whenever we talk about sensitive issues. As for me, the most sensitive issue is my studies. I am pursuing a Law Career and recently, I stumbled upon a pit stop. Of course I was devastated. I did not expect and had not prepared for it so when it came, I did not know how to react. And my family kept badgering me that I needed to decide and move on fast. But I was still in shock. I needed time to mourn and bask in the shadows of this road block. So what I did was, I did not talk to them much and I sulked in the comfort of my computer and series in silence. I was also processing things slowly in my mind, trying to figure out the next concrete stop. There were to options, take a detour or wait for the road to be repaired so I can go on with my journey to hurdle the Bar.

I chose to wait. I chose to appeal my cause to the Dean and get a second chance at finishing Law at PUP. I do not know what is down the road. It scares me, but whatever it is, I trust that will hold my heart and will always remind me that everything is for a greater cause, and that is to glorify Him through my studies. I pray that the Lord will with me until the fulfillment of the promise. :) I AM RELIEVED AND HAPPY NOW, THANK YOU LORD!