I used to believe that I love you was enough.

I used to believe that I love you was enough. And that if you both love each other it would be easy and it would be stupid to not be together. And that love is supposed to conquer everything. I must have been, somehow, bitter at the outcome of my first serious relationship. No matter how I tried to stay positive in life. I must have been angry all this time because I feel defeated and betrayed. I told my secrets. I bared myself. But I trusted the wrong person.

Love is enough. God is Love. God is enough.

I will never stop believing in love because that is what lead me to you and ultimately, to my true self. And it is what has got me through all this time. When I finally meet the person that is worthy of my trust and love, I would be ready, physically, emotionally and mentally. I hope the same for you.

I know I said it a hundred times, but I'll say it anyway. Thank you for allowing me to feel this when I'm still at my worst. I thought that you can never handle me even at my best. Thank you for making me realize my true self. Thank you for letting me go. Thank you for the times you made me feel loved. And thank you for making me part of your future even for a brief period.

I'd probably love you always in a certain way. I have built a future with you in it, It will take years to get you out of my system.

Day 1 of Journaling

I really wanted to get on with writing and making a blog and also a podcast. I really did not want to try YouTube but in some way, I want to have a creative outlet. I figured I should start blogging again, not just personally but create my blog as well.

I watched some classes on Skillshare today. One of them was about habit, another is about the podcast and the last one was about writing.

It’s a 10-day challenge to the journal. But I have already been manually writing in my journal so I want to create a digital one. This is to awaken and enhance my writing skills since I wanted to rely on that for my livelihood to create and live the life that I want.

Day 1 of Journaling

Today, I noticed the difference in waking up early versus staying in bed when my alarm has already gone off. My body feels lighter. Also, my head is clearer. I was able to accomplish so much in a short amount of time. I also noticed that talking to my boyfriend, waking her up, doesn’t really make a difference. I’m fine on my own. Of course, I love her but I am already my own person with or without her.

I really to write about something but I don't what to write about. This class in Skillshare is really helping. And I should really stop using really. It's just annoying to read to.

In my application for jobs to Upwork, I claim that I can write about any topic. It's true though. However, it's been a long time since I've written anything. I'm not writing for leisure. I was writing based on feelings that is why I had a hard time writing about dog supplement recently as per the requirement of my client.

I hope to write a novel. I also, hope to write again about any topic, especially because research has become easier with the advent of the internet. I hope Akeem finds me worthy to be given projects.

I applied to jobs in Onlinejobs.ph. I hope I get these writing jobs especially now that I have been trying to save up for my future plans and I wanted to live on my own and travel soon.

I', trying to learn sony vegas for a very long time now but I can't get or find the time to do it. I'll try to learn it now. Maybe I can add that as a skill to my resume and increase my probability of being hired.

Favorites..

One day..

August 2, 2018

"If you can love someone with your whole heart, even one person, then there's salvation in life. Even if you can't get together with that person."

Aug. 4, 2018

Ian: focus on bar please. i am praying for you

Me: Thank you. I love you.

Aug. 5, 2018 I wish we'll always find each other..

Hindi ko na irerelate yung mga nababasa ko sa nangyari satin. Wala namang nakakaalam ng future pero panalo tayo pareho ano man ang mangyari, magkabalikan pa o hindi. Alam naman natin maganda ang plano ni Lord. Naiisip pa rin kita, yung tayo. Pero di na ko malungkot. Hindi lang sa bar ako nakafocus. I see to it that I am living a full life and I feel alive. Thank you sa prayers. Ingat ka lagi. I love you.

Aug. 7, 2018 Distracted nanaman ako. Nagparamdam ka lang eh. Namimiss kong hinahalikan mo ko. Namimiss kong kinakain mo ko. Namimiss kong nasa taas kita. Namimiss kong ako yung nasa taas. Thank you kahit mabigat ako, pumapayag ka pa rin. Thank you sa confirmation na masarap ako, sana totoo. Sayo pa rin ako. Wala pa ko plano makipagsex sa iba. Kung mangyari man, sex lang yun, matagal pa siguro ulit kung makikipagrelasyon ako. Gusto ko isipin na nirereplyan mo talaga mga messages ko pero sinesave mo lng sa memo at di mo sinesend. I had this dream na nareceive ko lahat ng sagot sa mga texts ko. Nakakatawa no? Sana okay ka lng. Ingat.

August 9, 2018 Alam mo ba kung bakit nakapikit ako pag nagsesex tayo? Lahat kasi ng senses ko that time heightened. Ang sarap sa pakiramdam ng nakadikit yung katawan mo sakin. Pangarap kong mag-all the way ka sakin dati, di ko naman makikita, gusto ko lang maramdaman yung buong ikaw na walang restrictions. Hay. Natatawa ko dun sa nabasa ko. 3 months na daw syang tigang, nagchalk na daw yung tokwa nya. Haha. 3 months lng sya, ako nga 8 months na, 8 months din last yr tas 7 months before that. Considering may jowa ako mahilig noon. Haha.

August 10, 2018

"If she wounds you, love her. If she tears your heart to pieces – and as it gets older and stronger, it will tear deeper – love her, love her, love her!"

August 11, 2018

Day Before, Day Itself o Day After Valentine's day man yan, di ko naexperience kasi 11th palang nagbebreak na tayo db? Di tayo tumatagal ng 1 week na hindi nag-aaway kahit wala naman dapat pag-awayan. Pagod na ko. Pagod na pagod na. Mawawala ka ng matagal. Magpaparamdam ka kung kelan mo lang gusto. Kasalanan ko naman lagi. Di ko pa rin tinatanggap na hindi ka na sakin at nirereserve ko pa din yung sarili ko para sayo. At sa isang text mo lang, wala nman kakwenta kwenta, sira lahat ng progress na meron ako.

August 13, 2018

I know it will take me a very long time to be with someone else or I might not want to be with anybody else but you. But as for now, i want to be okay without you in my life. I want to be okay with you coming and going. Gusto ko ako yung pinipili mo hindi lang kapag malungkot ka pero kapag okay ka rin at walang eventful na nangyayari sayo, yung sakto lang yung pakiramdam mo kasi sa part ko pipiliin kita palagi, sa lahat ng pagkakataon, masaya o hindi o sakto lang. Honest at masunurin ako sayo. Nasabi ko na lahat. Nagawa ko na lahat. Pero hindi mo 'ko nakikita. Okay na. Sana maging okay ka na rin. Mahal na mahal kita. Lahat ng ako at pwedeng maging ako, sayo pa rin yun pero tama na. Gets ko na, wala lang ako sayo, wala akong lulugaran sa buhay mo at hindi ako kawalan.

August 14, 2018

Alam mo yung sigurado ng udd? Pakinggan mo sana.

Constant struggle sakin na itext, tawagan o puntahan ka. Minsan gusto ko pa rin sabihin sayo yung mga nararamdaman ko but I resolved to blogging kasi ganun din naman, hindi mo rin nman ako rereplyan at wala kang pakialam. Hoping pa rin ako na magkakabalikan tayo one day pero kung hindi na okay lang. Pinakamahalaga yung maging fully recovered ako. Prinepreserve ko yung sarili ko para mas makafunction ako ng tama at magawa ko yung mga hindi ko nagagawa dahil sa physical limitations.

August 15, 2018

5 Types of Exes na dadaan sa buhay mo bago mo makilala si “The One”. (Based on my experience at least.

So yeah, I have 5 exes and I enumerated them with each type kaya kung kilala mo ko at ex kita, hulaan mo na lang sino ka dyan. Haha!)

Your First. - Ang ex na una sa lahat. At bilang sya ang una sa lahat, sya din ang nagturo at nagparamdam sayo pano magmahal at gano kasakit ang masaktan. Etong ex na to ang pinaka mabait sa lahat at pinaka “friendable” (kung papapiliin ka sino magiging kaibigan mo sa mga exes mo, sya yun).

The Player. - Ang ex na nakipag relasyon ata sayo para ubusin ang luha mo. Ang ex na kahit paulit ulit kang sinasaktan at niloloko, binabalik balikan mo pa din. Pero dahil na-master mo pano masaktan dahil sa kanya, sya ang ex na nagturo sayo pano maging matatag and to never give up on love. The Narcissist. - Ang ex na masydong so into herself na feeling nya ang mundo eh umiikot lang sa kanya. Pero dahil ganyan sya, natuto ka pano maging selfless. Ang ex na nagturo sayo kung pano magpahalaga sa mga mahal mo sa buhay. Ang nagturo at sumubok sayo kung hanggang san ang kaya mo ibigay at gawin para sa taong mahal mo.

The Rebound. - Ang ex na sumalo sayo nung panahong durog na durog ka. Ang ex na bumuo ulit sayo kaya sya ang ex na nagturo sayo not to take the one you love for granted. Sya din ang nagturo sayo na sa isang relasyon hindi lang love ang importante kung hindi kailangan may pangunawa, tiwala at respeto.

The Clincher. - Ang ex na akala mo si “the one” na pero hindi pala. Kinakailangan lang nya dumaan sa buhay mo para iparealize sayo kung ano ba talaga ang gusto mo sa buhay at sa isang partner. Sya yung ex na kung titignan mukhang perfect naman pero sa loob mo alam mong may kulang pa din. Sya ang huli mong magiging ex kasi alam mong handa ka na makilala ang tinadhana sayo.

All in one ka. Tapos nasa stage pa kong sana ikaw si the one. Pero dun ako sa trinatry ko maging the one para maging only one regardless kung ikaw nga ba yung the one ko.

August 19, 2018 Naalala mo pa ba yung nag-aral tayo sa starbucks trinoma tapos sa mcdo naman after? Yung 1st time na sabi mo naeskandalo kita kasi sumisigaw ako ng galit? Yung hinahalikan mo ko everytime may sasabihin ako hanggang sa mawala yung init ng ulo ko? Naaalala mo pa ba yung kapag nagaaway tayo, tahimik ka lng pero kapag tumawag ka na, ineexplain mo sakin kung bakit ako mali? Yung kahit hindi ka nagsosorry kahit kailan, ramdam kong parang nagsorry ka because you give your time and effort to me. Matagal ng hindi ganun. Matagal ng hindi na kita maramdaman. Aminado naman ako sa lahat ng mali ko, sa lahat ng pagkukulang ko at sa lahat ng pagkakamali ko. Pero never sa mga ibinintang mo sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung kelan mo ko unang pinatay, nung unang beses na maramdaman kong di mo na ko mahal o nung maramdaman kong may ibang nagpapasaya sayo o yung araw na naikumpara mo ko sa iba o yung araw na sinabi mong hindi mo na ko mahal. Kapit na kapit ako sayo. Kahit sa mga panahong binibitawan mo ko. Lalo sa mga panahong dapat bumitaw na rin ako sayo. Pero yung paulit ulit mong pagpaparamdam sakin, yung paulit ulit na mangangako ka sakin, yung paulit ulit na sasabihin mong mahal mo ko kahit sa sex ko nlng nararamdaman, enough na para humigpit ulit yung kapit ko sayo. Mahal na mahal kita. Sobra. Dumating sa point na mas mahal na kita sa sarili ko.

August 22, 2018 Never mo ko niyakap no? After sex lang. Pero pag pumunta ako sa inyo or pag nagkita tayo, hindi db? Yung ikaw yung naginitiate, parang wala or sa tagal na, di ko na maalala. 🤔

August 27, 2018

Ang sad pala ng feeling kapag napapansin mong di mo na mahal yung taong mahal na mahal mo dati no tapos di dahil may mahal ka ng iba? 🤔

August 28, 2018

Namimiss kita kaso nakalimutan ko number mo 😟 And I'm consciously trying not to remember it. Wala na rin akong urge to email you. Lahat naman na kasi nasabi ko na. I found my 2016 Diary. Tawa ko ng tawa, I'm such a drama queen. May mga letters pa ko sayo dun. Thinking back, naglolong messages na ko sa texts at emails, may letter pa ko sa futureme.org, pinupuntahan pa kita sa bahay nyo. Damn my guts. Parang ako yung boyfriend. 😂 Also, di na nagbago yung mga pinagaawayan natin mula noon hanggang ngayon. Ang babaw lang tapos biglang lalaki, either ang drama ko o ang OA mo. 😂 Ganito pala yung feeling ng kalma nalang. Sobra kong hindi pinatahimik yung sarili ko kahit wala ka naman ginagawa sakin/para sakin. I hope you're okay. If not, magiging okay ka din and truly happy. Kung magkikita pa tayo, tadhana nalang. Ang sad pala ng feeling kapag napapansin mong di mo na mahal yung taong mahal na mahal mo dati no tapos di dahil may mahal ka ng iba? 🤔

August 29, 2018

"If you could meet them again, would you still choose to meet them?"

Yes, I would choose to meet you again. I had the best life lessons when I was with you. Because I knew you, I have been changed for good. I learned the extent of my patience and how much I can love. If it were up to me, I would want for you to treat and love me better, and choose me over everything you think are more important. I want you to choose me everytime like it's a given, you didn't have to think. But it was never my choice from the beginning. Last time, you said, "Rain or shine ka dati ah." I still am. Through everything, yes ako sayo. I badly wanted to see you. Feel you again. Kiss you again. But because I know you so well, I know that, that plan will never push through.

September 2, 2018

Bigla ko lang naalala. Nakakatawa nalang kasi. Nung kinoconvince pa kita to say what you feel. Sabi mo, di mo nakikitang magiging tayo pero nakikita mong magkocommit ka sakin. Hahaha. Tapos baliktad nangyari. Naging tayo nga, pero never ka nman nagcommit sakin.

September 3, 2018

Di kita iniisip pag gabi, alam kong hindi ako makakatulog. Di kita iniisip kapag may mga ginagawa ako kasi malamang hindi ako matapos. Di kita iniisip pero bigla ka pa rin papasok sa isip ko pag may mga bagay na nangyari sakin at ikaw yung nagiisang taong gusto kong makaalam nun kaya I am consciously trying my hardest to divert my attention every time. Di kita iniisip, nasa sistema kita. Sorry kung naiinconvenience ka ng fact na yun. Sorry talaga. Ingat ka lagi ha.


Sana nagdedate tayo dati kahit minsan lang kapag biglang gusto mo makipagkita sakin. I just watched a movie today with a friend today. Naisip ko bigla yung disclaimer mo sakin before na hindi ka mahilig manood ng sine. Di ko alam kung sinabi mo yun para di ako magyaya ng date sayo. Yung sabi mo, liligawan mo ko after 2 years, kasi dapat abogado na tayo nun db? Kaya ang sakit nung sabi mo di mo nman na ako kailangan ligawan. Siguro kasi nakuha mo na agad lahat ng gusto mo sakin. Di nman kita sinisisi. Ginusto ko lahat yun. Hinayaan kong balewalain mo ko. Ikaw lang o wala. Masaya na ko either way. Thank you. I love you.

September 9, 2018

Last entry ko na 'to sa blog na 'to kasi hindi ko gustong magmove on dati pero nung umaayos na yung pakiramdam ko at nagiging okay na ko ng wala ka, mas gusto ko yung feeling. Ilelet go ko na lahat ng attachments ko sayo. Sobrang mahal na mahal kita at lahat kaya at gusto ko pa rin gawin para sayo. Self preservation nalang din siguro. Ayaw mo na sakin, hindi mo na ko mahal. Okay lang sana kaso kasi nagkacrumble lahat ng progress na nagagawa ko.

Nung friday, yun yung 1st time, in 8 months na nag-init ako ulit just because you texted you want me. It took all my energy at wala akong natapos after reading that. Nakalimutan ko na hindi na ako yung gusto mo at sobrang stressed ka nalang talaga kaya mo nasabi yun. There were times na feeling ko hinahanap hanap mo ko but then lalabas lang na malungkot or stressed ka at pag okay ka na ulit, nawawala ka nanaman. Grabe yung epekto mo sakin. Kaya ko ba yung ganong emotional trauma? Deserve ko ba yun? Ano bang nagawa ko sayo to deserve all that?

I only have myself to blame because I couldn't and won't let go. Sobrang kilala kita eh, pero dahil sobra kitang kilala, madalas naguguluhan ako.

Hindi kita kakalimutan. Hindi ko tatry magmove on. Pero magmumove forward na 'ko. Ayoko magpahabol, alam kong never mo gagawin yun. Hindi ko pa kaya makipagrelasyon sa iba hanggat nasa sistema kita but eventually I will. Hindi ako nakikipagsex ng walang commitment, alam mong hindi ako fuck girl.

Madami kang friends to listen to you when you're sad. Madaming willing to have sex with you without attachment. Eventually siguro, in the future, kakayanin kong maging friend mo lang. Ingat ka lagi. I love you. Okay na ko. Salamat.

Dates

March 13, 21, 22, 23, 2016
April 2, 2016
December 13, 2016
July 30, 2017
November 24, 28, 2017
December 8, 2017

Sarap balikan lahat ng mga araw na parang mahal na mahal mo 'ko at masaya tayo. Nakakatawa, April 2, 2016, habang naglalakad tayo sa west ave, hindi ka na sanay sa pabebe mode pero para sakin, okay lang pagdaanan mo ulit kasi mahal mo ko eh. Fast forward to July 18, 2018, nasabi mo rin, kahit matagal ko na rin naman ramdam, umay ka na. July 30, 2017, based sa memory ko, yun yung araw na tumawag ka sakin at okay na tayo ulit. Babalik ka pa kaya? Magiging okay pa kaya tayo ulit? Di ko na sinama, December 30, 2017. Last na nagkita tayo. Hindi ko gets kung bakit inis na inis ka na nakatulog ka at may mga di ka nagawang position na gusto mo itry sakin, as if di na tayo magkikita after nun. Di na nga kc may work ka, dami mong deadlines, may labas ka with workmates, may labas ka with friends, tapos naghiwalay na talaga tayo. June 1, 2018, last attempt ko na to go to your house and fix us. Alam ko naman, andun ka lang. Pero okay lang. Gets ko naman na. Naiintindihan ko naman kung bakit wala ng tayo. Hindi ko naman sinasabi sayo 'to para balikan mo 'ko kc kung gusto mo matagal mo na ko binalikan, hindi ko kinailangan gawin yung mga ginawa ko o kaya, hindi mo nalang sana ako iniwan. Kaso kasi ang sakit pa rin. Wala naman ako pinagsisihan sa lahat ng yun. Ikaw yun. Mahal na mahal kita kaya lang nagkataong hindi tayo pareho ng paraan. Pero grateful ako for the opportunity to meet you. Ingat ka lagi ha.

Choice and chance

I had a conversation with a younger friend earlier. She is much younger than us pero sobrang mature nya na mag-isip. I like talking to her sometimes because it feels like talking to you. Dami namin napagusapan, one of it reminded me of why I chose to be single for 12 years, before you. Not that it matters to you now, pero ang sarap maalala ng rason kung bakit nagrisk ako sayo dati. I'm still holding on to that reason. Combination tlga ang choice at chance. 😊

Credit..

This is not because I want us back or become friends or stay connected. But I still care. Forever naman na siguro. Pero on a different level nalang. Baka pwede yung friendship someday pero di ko nakikita in the nearest future. Di naman siguro biro yung lahat ng mga pinagdaanan natin, good and bad.

Siguro para 'to bigyan ka ng credit. Blocked yung totoong account ko eh. Kaya risk talaga na malaman mo yung dummy account ko. Deactivated din naman to madalas.

Alam mo naman na 'to kaya hindi ka nagbabago ng position kahit iyakan at dramahan pa kita. Tama ka in so many levels. Sa lahat ng naireklamo ko sayo before, sa lahat ng naidrama ko sayo dati, napakaimmature ko pala talaga those times and I'm sorry that you had to go through all that and thank you for being so patient with me.

Ngayon na tumatanda na ko, hindi ko pa napagdaanan ultimo 1/4 ng mga pinagdaanan mo, narirealize kong sobrang tama ka. At siguro, kung nagtiwala ako sayo, okay sana tayo. Masyado pa 'ko nagpapadala sa emotions ko. And I just had to meet you para magkaroon ako ng wisdom na meron ako ngayon. Di mo ko binebaby. Di ka spoon feeding. Yun lang, tao ka lang din, napapagod. There would really come a time na kelangan mo ng mamili sa mga dapat mong iprioritize at madalas magmumukha ka ng selfish dahil sa mga choices mo.

But I had no regrets. Pinagdaanan ko yung mga kailangan ko pagdaanan kahit mag-isa. Parehas tayo ng goals pero hindi tayo sabay ng pace.

Di pa rin ako buo but I'm getting there. Before, I was really trying to be okay agad kasi may mga bagay na mas importante pa ko dapat unahin. Pero narealize kong ayoko nga pala ng middle ground, yung okay lang, almost. So now, sinastrive kong maging masaya lalo na sa choices na ginagawa ko. And I have you to thank for most of it.

I love you. Di na yun mawawala. Pero di naman kailangan maging tayo or maging connected tayo. Tama ka, di lahat ng nagmamahalan dapat magkasama. Assuming mahal mo ko.

Good luck ha.