Hanggang dun lang..

"Hanggang tingin lang naman ako sa kanya, bawal lumapit, lalong bawal humawak. Bawal kumapit at bawal umasa." habang nagcecelebrate kami ng mga kaibigan ko kanina sa isang tambayan malapit sa skul, nakita ko sya, sobrang lapit lang, pero hindi ko pwedeng abutin. Alam mo ba yung pakiramdam na hindi ka na makapagpigil at nararamdaman mong bumabaon din ang paningin nya sa'yo, na sa bawat paglingon mo sa direksyon nya, huling huli mo ang mabilis nyang paglingon din nya.

Lingid sa kaalaman ng lahat ng kasama ko na andun ka. Na sa tuwing tatama ang mata ko sa kabuuan mo, may kumukurot sa puso ko, sa bawat lingunan natin pakiramdam ko ay may pangungulila. At ang pinakamasakit, nakikita kong malungkot ang iyong mga mata. Wari bang ipinahihiwatig mong hindi ka naman talaga masaya.

Alam kong hindi ka masaya. Nasasaktan akong makitang malungkot ka. Hindi kita mahawakan. Maalalayan man lang. Hindi pwede. Bawal. Hanggang tingin lang ako. Sana mabasa mo ang mensahe sa mga mata ko. Andito lang naman ako, hinihintay ang bawat sabog ng damdamin mo, bilang KAIBIGAN. Oo. Bilang kaibigan lang.

Pagod at Pahinga..

PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO.PAGOD AKO.PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO.

PAGOD AKO!!!

Kakatapos lang ng sectorcon tapos metrocon na naman ang aatupagin. Napapagod na ko. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung gusto ko pa tong ginagawa ko. Hindi ko na alam kung masaya pa ko o kung ginagawa ko lang 'to dahil kelangan, dahil sabi ng ibang tao. Hindi ko na ata nakikita ang Diyos dito. Parang ayoko na magPROD. Pero wala naman akong magagawa kasi YCOM ako.. At saka ito ang programa ko. Eto naman talaga yung service ko. It's what I do to please and glorify God. Dito ko mapapakita na mahal ko Sya.

Sana nasasabi ko lang 'to kasi pagod ako at hindi dahil hindi na ko natutuwa sa mga ginagawa ko.

*Sinulat ko 'to mga ganitong panahon din nung nakaraang taon. Nahagilap ko lang sa mga credentials ko kasabay ng nakita ko ang nakakaloka kong dalawang grade sa isang subject. Anyway, sa pagbabasa ko nito, nainis ako sa taong nagsulat nito nung nakaraang taon, nainis ako sa dating ako. Puro reklamo, puro kapaguran nalang nya yung inaatupag, puro yung kasiyahan nalang nya yung iniisip. Hmm.. Narealize ko na nakakainis pala ako dati (at least ako nainis sa sarili ko at hindi ang ibang tao). Hindi ko alam kung nagbago ako ngaung taon na 'to eh. Alam ko puro pa din talaga k reklamo. Madami pa din akong inis, madami pa din akong tanong, pero sana may nagbago. Napapagod pa din ako, pero sa pagkakataong 'to, marunong na ko magpahinga sa panahong kinakailangan ng pahinga para hindi umabot sa exhaustion. Para hindi umabot sa sasabog na yung galit ko o yung damdamin ko..Sana sa pagkakataong 'to, naggrow na ko..

Best Friend..

I was browsing through my batchmates in high school's recent photos and I can't help but to think about them..

I wonder how are they doing with their lives.. I don't have news about them for the past years ever since we entered college. Even my closest batch mate since grade school, Kathlene Rapadas, I don't have any definite news about her even though our moms are best friends.

I can't help but reminisce about high school.. Many years has passed.. So many events have occurred and many things should have changed amongst us. I wonder what it is that changed in them.

Yesterday, I chatted with my best friend in high school, Brian Soliven. I'm happy with the change that he showed me. He's so talkative now unlike before. He's open to talk about all things in his life that I need not ask questions just to keep the conversation going. I so miss him. He even encouraged me to get a boyfriend so my christmas won't be lonely, haha, what a friend..:) One of these days, I'll ask him to meet up with me. I so miss him. Only that, he's happy now with his 3-years girlfriend. You see, I loved him before, in high school. I don't love him anymore in a romantic way but sure there is always love in my heart for him as a friend because I was able to see the real him before he changed into a better person know. I loved him before, surely I'll love him more now that his better. I want to be friends again with him. Best friends again, if he'll allow..

Gold's not old

Gold, in my own perspective, is the most precious element of all time. Therefore, once you sell gold or a gold coin, that would really be expensive. For women, when they are given a gold by a man, it's really a great thing and it would really make them flash a big smile on their face.

Do you have any idea where to buy gold or gold coins? In your place, you can visit the nearest pawnshop. But do you know where to buy gold and gold coins online? You can buy gold coins online at goldcoinsagain.com. You can even sell a gold bullion. If you're a gold coins collector, this is the right and best website for you. You can buy affordable gold coins that you've been waiting for a long time.

It's better to buy gold coins online because you can just stay relaxed while shopping for it. You can also avoid the crowd that's waiting for you at the mall which can lead to a stressful day. So what are you waiting for? Visit this website and know what's in store for you.

Decision Making

Making a decision isn't easy, especially when you are dealing about things that are both good for your future.

As of the moment, I am dealing with my decision on staying in Central B as a sector YCOM head. I am thinking that I can no longer stay because in my heart I am not passionate anymore. Also because I feel that I am doing things just for the hang of it. I am doing things as if it's a job and not a thing that I love doing. And most of all, I feel that I can no longer see the point of staying anymore.

On the contrary, I still feel that I have to stay because I have to finish my term this year. Also because, I feel that I still need to train Luis to stand up as the YCOM head. I also feel that I have to build relationship with my YCOM crew.

Honestly, I want to choose not to stay anymore because this will benefit a lot of people around me. And I find peace when I think about it. But still, questions are being raised, and reasons to stay are still showing.

I don't know. Maybe I still have to prayand think more about it..

Romantic Love can Wait..

Awhile ago, I was talking with a close college classmate through text. I asked him if I was able to say or talk about something about not wanting to have a love life or a relationship. And he said, I haven't mentioned anything to him about that in any of our conversations before..

Before that, I was racking my brain about it. Because I am wondering why Diane pointed me during the Metrocon Production Meeting last Thursday when we were talking about the sharer which would share about prioritizing academics over lovelife, not having a love life while studying that is.

As I remember, I am not against relationships, I also want to have a boyfriend, a husband and a family someday. But my parents say that I have to prioritize my studies first. It's not that I can't handle both. But there's a policy in our house so I have to abide it.

Talking about it, looking back, the many things I've done are because my parents say so or they would never allow me to do it, or I was thinking about their reputation. Filial, aren't I?

Another is because, I grew in a community that surrounds me with sibling love and also, my family gave me the love that I needed to suffice until I need to yearn for the other half of my life.

I don't know if I really have fallen in love before but I'm sure I've never been unloved before.

Romantic Love can wait..

Blessed Week..

While I was rummaging through my blog awhile ago when unexpectedly, I saw someone commented on my previous post. Not that I hated it, but it was just unexpected because no one knows that I have a blog, that I am aware of. It is well kept, as I would put it.. and the weird part is, I don't know who it was..

And so I clicked his name and was directed to her/his (confused with the gender) blog and read it. After reading it, somehow, I felt like he's/she's blogging about her/his daily life. Of course he would because it's his/her own blog but what I mean is that, he/she blogs because he/she wants to create a story of his/her life. *am I making any sense here?*

Okay, let's put it this way. I for one, blogs because I want to vent out my emotions in this blog. But the thing is, I blog when I have extreme emotions. I only blog when I feel like blogging. But this blogger that I encountered does it on a daily basis.

Maybe there are also bloggers who blogs about their daily lives. I commend them for that. I am a writer at heart. The problem is, I am lazy to do it.I feel like I lack the drive, the passion. and so reading this person's blog made me realize how much time I am wasting because of laziness..

Anyway, moving on.. I want to blog about my week. I feel that it has been a blessed week for me and my family. I'll start from Friday (September 25, 2009)

Friday. I was at home, and I have been using the computer since the moment I woke up until 5 am the next day.I was so into my computer that I didn't notice that the rain was pouring hard outside. Although I can hear the rain drops trickling on the roof and on the streets, still I didn't pay any attention to it. I've been asking my mama why papa is today. Normally, he'll be home by 9pm already because we watch the Prime Time shows as a way to kill time and that also sinals me to stand up and turn off the computer for awhile but that day, he's late. I think he arrived at 11 pm that night. Funny, because I wasn't aware that there's already a typhoon. I even forgot that I wanted to read the Daily Paper since last week and do that on a daily basis. At 5 am, I slept.

Saturday. I woke up to the noise my mama was making. And everybody in the house *i think* was restless. I got annoyed so I shouted at them. I fall asleep again but a moment later, I've been awaken by my mama shouting," gumising ka na, malulunod ka na jan!" And so I tried to get up and check what my mama was blabbering about only to feel a wet and cold feeling at my feet when I was looking for my slippers. So it was true, the water is already rising. For almost 10 years, our house, since it is reconstructed,haven't experienced a flood inside the house. Ours was higher than the streets even though we don't have a second floor so we were shocked that the water has flooded the inside of our house. Anyway, on the bright side, my 2-year old niece experienced walking on the flood. She thought we already have an indoor kiddie pool. Good thing the water isn't dirty *muddy in that sense* so we were able to play for a while. It was fun because we haven't done that in years.

Maybe I really woke up that early *I usually wake up at around 1-2pm*, so the rest of the day was boring. I wasn't able to text, because there's no signal for globe, no electricity so I can't watch tv or use the computer.. Being a family of silent people, it was hard for us to sit in one place and face each other. We usually do our own stuff so we won't be able to talk to each other often. I, for one, isn't a fan of noise or speaking much. I'd mostly appreciate it if you would stay silent beside me. This is the reason why I spend most of my time reading books, writing journals, texting friends or staying late at night in front of the computer.

Going back, I slept at the sofa that night. And damn it, because mosquitoes are zooming around me and biting me. I can't sleep well. Whenever I move, I'll get awaken because there's not enough space to move into *I might fall*.

Sunday. Since I slept at the sofa, my back was extremely aching *I have scoliosis,by the way*. I saw that everybody is up now so I went into my room *that was slept on by my sister and sister-in-law last night* to continue my sleep. I noticed that the flood outside has already subsided leaving slippery mud all over the streets. Papa wasn't allowing anyone of us to go out because he said, the parts of our street was still flooded and there are parts of the city that are still extremely flooded. I wasn't planning on going out so I just slept, maybe till 4pm?

The electricity came back around 5-6pm that day and I was able to go back to the silent me. but then again, classes were suspended the whole week so it's going to be a whole week for me and my family to face each other.

Monday-Wednesday.My day was routinized. I'll wake up at 1pm (latest), then eat, then watch tv, then use the laptop till morning and sleep again. And in between those things, I'll be pigging out the whole day. I won't have to worry about the house chores because fortunately, my sister-in-law hired a helper for the house. It's just embarrassing because the helper is barely 16 years old. Her name is Ana Mae and she's from Baras, Rizal. She's my sister-in-law's 3rd cousin saying that her Lola and my sister-in-law's Lolo were siblings. Again, I can't do anything but to help her with little things and talk to her once in a while. Making friends, I say. She's young yet she's working already for her family. Making friends with her and making her feel like a part of the family since she's a way from her family, that's the least thing I can do.

Thursday.A Metrocon production meeting is scheduled today so I headed at the center an hour after I woke up. I arrived at 2:15 pm and the first person I saw was Djo Ongtangco and seeing her, I felt relieved because I was worried with my friends living at the east area. The news says that the east part was very much affected by the typhoon Ondoy. I saw other yfc friends there and I thanked God that they are safe as well. The meeting was help at the Greenwich at Robinsons Galleria. It was fun. This is the first time that I have a meeting with them after the YCOM Training last summer. I didn't manage to attend the meetings for the preparation of the YCOM ACADEMY and the academy itself because I was very much busy with my classes and projects. And having a night-shift, for days a week class won't permit me to join them. The schedule was a conflict. I am happy that I get to see most of them now. especially the people that I love to work with. I am appointed as Visual Director and I am totally dumbfounded now because even though I know what are the things to do, I can't do it or I don't know how to do it. I am worried that I won't be able to do it well. and this is the freaking Metrocon! This is the 2nd largest event in the community here in the Philippines, next to ILC of course. If I manage to pull this up, I'll make it as the VD again this ILC. Another is that, Glen Lopez is the technical director and for God sake, Glen Lopez is YCOM! *and an old crush,that is*Maybe that is why ate Dana put me there. Anyway, I just hope that I'll manage to pull this off..

Anyway, the attendees were Djo Ongtangco, Glen Lopez, Lucky Dela Rosa, Dana Flores, Diane Famatigan, Jamo Tolentino, Benjo Magnaye *people that I love working with*. I've been working with them since ILC Tagaytay 2008 and there were also other people who are new to YCOM, Cy Dulaca, Luis Enriquez *partner*, Gerald Manapsal, Levin *west a, Jasmin Santos and her crew and also the other FTW that are working with us in the Programs Committee..

We were making fun of Cy Dulaca because he's been assigned for the Documentations. That was my all time designation and I told ate Dana Flores to spare me now of working at this designation so she put me on a more challenging work, VD. Anyway, Cy can't figure out what to do. I tried explaining but Djo and the others were blabbering other things and discouraging him with his assigned work. Well, goodluck to him. Any, I'll be helping him if he needs help.

After the meeting, we went back to the CFC center to accompany Diane Famatigan in getting her ID. She surrendered it earlier and forgot to get it back when we went to Galleria.I was with the east people *Djo, Luis, Diane and Cy, because I will be joining them in the bus going home later. Diane is heading to Paranaque because her family is staying there. Luis and I are central people but needs to pass the east are before we arrive at our own area.Cy, Djo, Diane, Luis and I went to 7/11 to buy drinks and food. It was a fun night *day* for all of us, if not, at least for me.

We rode a bus going to Cainta. Cy and Djo are getting off at Junction while Luis and I are getting off at Rosario.The Trip heading home was long so while sitting beside Djo, and Cy and Luis was on the seats beside us *were along the aisle*, we had our own conversations with our seatmates. Djo and I reminisced our first experiences in YCOM. While I overheard Luis and Cy, gossiping about each others' household mates.. haha.. Boys are really gossipers.. haha..

When I arrived home, Papa went home with a gallon of ice cream. We ate it like peanuts because in 30 minutes, the whole bucket was empty.

Friday. Nothing much has happened and this day was just like my monday to wednesday. Everything was routinized only that I don't get to use the damn computer because it broke down, I don't know why. My sister is using the laptop and won't lend it to me because she is freaking playing Plants vs Zombies. Duh?! It's not a valid reason. I don't get to use it until 11 pm. Everybody stops at 8pm because we'll be watching the Prime Time Bida. After Dahil May isang Ikaw, we'll scram off again to our businesses.. I was just happy that there are stocked food the whole week. I think I gained weight because I've been pigging out every night since the typhoon came.


I feel really blessed this week. I manage to spend each day with my family and friends. I'm blessed with the realization that I am more lucky than other people who became victims of this typhoon. I thank God that I still have a family to face everyday while others' family members are still missing and others are still out inn the flooded areas. I am very grateful for everything.