Let us meet soon.

"Romantic ba ang maghabulan sa ulan?" #walanghanggan

I know, he's somewhere out there. The person that would make me fall in love. The person that will sweep me of my feet. The person I am going to love for the rest of my life. The one that I would spend the rest of my life with. I know, God has an amazing plan for me. He has great plans for my love life. And He's writing the greatest story ever.

But sometimes, I can't help but wonder, where is he? Where is this man? I don't want to sound impatient, but sometimes, I can't help but ask myself, when will I meet him? When will I feel that joy and happiness that comes from romantic love. The kind that is not unrequited but the kind that is mutual. I've never felt it. Or maybe, I miss it. I miss that feeling. I miss the feeling of being mutually in love.

Lord, maybe it's not yet the right time for us (love of my life) to meet, but I pray that you keep us both safe. Give us the strength, courage and patience to wait. I know, You are still writing our love story and You will be most pleased if it would be played well by us. I pray that you keep my hands full of knowledge and learnings as I wait for him. Grant me the patience I need till we meet. I long for his love, and maybe, just maybe, he longs for my love too. So please Lord, let us meet soon so our happiness and joy will overflow and that may we also give glory and justice to the love story that is Your plan. Amen.

Nagseselos ako!

Nagseselos ako! Bakit hnd ko alam? Bakit hnd mo ko nilapitan? Pakiramdam ko wala ako nung mga panahong kailangan mo ko, or hindi mo tlga ako kinailangan.:( Naiinis ako na si regie lang yung kasama mo. Naiinis ako na hindi mo sinabi sa akin nung mga panahon na kailangan mo pala ng kaibigan!

Alam mo yung pakiramdam na miss na miss na kita. Lapit ako ng lapit sayo. Kinakamusta ka. Sabi mo sa akin okay ka lang, tapos ganito, hindi ka pala okay. Nalulungkot naman ako kasi hindi mo ko naconsider na pagsabihan, na takbuhan. Nakakalungkot kasi mahal na mahal kita. Alam mo naman yan eh. Miss na miss na kita. Madami ng nagbago, pero di ko inaasahan na pati pagkakaibigan din natin. :(

Rambling and Ranting over the same things again.:'(

My self-confidence really hit the bottom. Nanuod ako ng The Big Bang Theory para tulungan ko yung sarili ko na maalis dun yung isip ko, but I'm unsuccessful. Tumatawa ako but then naiisip ko pa din. at hindi na sya ganoon nakakatawa. I'm sad. And no one comforted me. Even my "so-called" batchmates. The hell they care. It was always like that. I don't get any sympathy from them. Lalo na kapag may nakatampuhan ako, it was always me whose always at fault. I really don't know. Masyado na ba akong emotional? But I haven't really been emotional lately. I've been suppressing all my feelings for, apparently, No one cares. Nobody really cares. May nangangamusta ba? Wala. May nag-console ba? Wala. All I'm saying is, NOBODY FUCKING CARES! So why show your emotions? People would just laugh it off, but when they're the ones with problems, I'm always there to give them moral support. Where are they when I needed them? My feelings are important to me. I had so many things to deal with lately that I have neglected my feelings. Either no one wants to talk about it, no one cares about it, or everyone is just stopping me from talking about it. Apparently, our subjects are much more important than my feelings. Maybe, that's where I have gone wrong. I have been prioritizing people over my own self. That's why I've been hurting like hell.

Bakit ako nalang palagi yung nagbibigay ng malaki? Bakit ako nalang yung nagmamahal ng matindi? Bakit ako nalang yung palaging nagbibigay ng concern.? Masyado ba 'kong humihingi ng malaking kapalit? Gusto kong magdrama, umiyak, maglupasay, mag-rant, magwala, maglabas ng sama ng loob. But then, kanino? I have always considered them as my closest friends. Bakit ganito?

Gaaah! I REALLY DON'T KNOW!

I miss you and all the things that we usually do..

I miss you and all the things that we usually do..

This applies to people I miss.. Yung mga taong wala na sa buhay ko ngayon. Yung mga taong, kahit alam mong nandyan lang, hindi mo pa din magawang kausapin (or hindi na pwedeng kausapin). Yung mga taong hindi na pwedeng isama sa bagong buhay ko.

Namimiss ko sila. Masakit na wala man lang nageffort na maisama sila sa bagong buhay ko. Siguro ganon nga talaga.

Higit sa lahat, namimiss kita. Alam kong nakamove on ka na. At ako din naman. Pero namimiss pa din kita. Hindi na katulad ng dati, siguro yung friendship nalang. Ingat ka palagi. Mas safe ka kapag malayo ako sayo.

Inexpressibly Train of Thoughts..

Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig, yung may yelo pa, nung nalaman ko ang balita.

Ako: Andyan na ba si dean?

R: Oo, nakausap ko na. Ayaw eh. Ano nang gagawin ko?

Ako: Si sir ba nakausap nyo na?

R: Hindi pa nga. Hahanapin namen.

Ako: Anong sabi ni dean?

R: Madami na daw syang nireject. Ayaw nya na talaga.

....

Nasa biyahe ako nyan, ng biglang sinabi ng bestfriend ko yan. Biglang tumigil ang mundo ko at madaming thoughts ang tumakbo sa utak ko, pero pinakauna dun, paano na sya?

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam ang tamang emosyon na dapat maramdaman. Halo halong emosyon ang nararamdaman ko, hindi ko alam kung tama pa ba na maramdaman ko yung iba. Pero yung pinakabottom line, ayoko na hindi sya makaenrol sa law school. Ayoko na hindi sya makasama hanggang maging abogado kami. Ayoko masaktan sya. Ayoko na ma-in dispair sya. Ayoko mawala sya sa sirkulasyon.

Lord, please, make a move. Ikaw nalang po ang last resort nila sa puntong 'to. Lord, please, kayo na po bahala sa kanila. I believe in You. I claim Your victory. Thy will be done!

Loud and Clear!

"The Lord is what you really need.."

Yesterday, I was trying to look for a place where I can think, mourn (and probably cry), study and just to plainly vent out my frustrations and unexpressed feelings that happened earlier that day. I' gave up and just headed home instead. On my way home, I called my friend that I wasn't waiting for him anymore, I have to go home now, after the call, tears uncontrollably fell. Maybe because I felt alone (because I was really alone that time). I looked miserable, probably, but I don't care. I was finally feeling something, although it was a negative feeling, I'm glad I am reacting the right way because earlier that day, when the complicated thing was happening, I was just smiling like a fool. Anyway, as I was heading home, a girl rode on the jeepney that I was riding. The usual people that gives envelopes and collects for donations for their religious groups/organizations. I flipped the envelope, and there it was! The thing that comforted me and made me pass through the day without commiting any stupidity, set in bold letters, "The Lord is what you really need.."

In the darkest and saddest (exaggeration provided) moment of my life, the Lord never fails to comfort me. This was a reassurance that I am still beautiful, I am loved and that I am His daughter, destined for greater things in life. In that moment, I prayed to God, to change my attitude and how I was seeing the situation at hand. I can not be sad about what happened and maybe break my promise and vent it out to the wrong and unconcerned people.

So instead of mourning and crying, I thought of productive things I would do when I get home. That included things that I want to try to sort of ease the intense emotions I am feeling at that moment, and I thought of drinking by myself. Stupid isn't it? But I wasn't drinking to drown out the emotions. I drank because I wanted to fall asleep fast because I know I would be doing stupid things if I overthink again and it was just 7pm that time and I needed the rest and all other excuses that would apply to this. But I haven't tried drinking Tanduay Ice even though it was out in the market for a while now. I discreetly bought it and drank it while checking some things online, and then I went to sleep.

But then, the effect was short lived, I was awaken at 11pm and just decided to study. I was productive because I was able to make a reviewer for the final leg of our finals. And then, overthinking got the best of me and I texted other people and I thought of making this note.

The phrase that I had read helped me. If I wasn't able to read that, may be all I did was to cry uncontrollably and finally lose my drive to study for the most crucial final examination and maybe do more stupid things that I might regret later on. I'm glad.It might hurt right now but I know I'll be fine eventually. And I know the Lord has better plans for me for all of us. And whatever that is, I'm just praying that the Lord would give me the right attitude to still move forward for now and wait for His great plans to unfold right before me. I'm excited, happy and finally contented..:) Maybe I just need to pray more often, and more specific this time..

*To you, I know you are hurting too. I ask the Lord to grant you a strong heart to still endure waiting for your love. Thank you and I'm still praying for you. I never stopped including you in my prayers ever since I got to know you. Please study harder.. Godbless!

Unforgettable yet untrue..

It was rare for me to dream these days. I haven't had a single dream for months now. But when I do, I just can'tignore it because it signifies that I am wanting more..

We were in an event. It was like an event for the whole college sponsored by all fraternities/sororities and organizations. It seemed like I was a member of that fraternity already or maybe we are just with them because as always, we were friends with some of them. We were waiting for the brothers to arrive, of course it was me and my closest girl friends who were there. Then the door signaled for the arrival of the brothers so the sisters stood up to greet the them. He was at the back of my professor who is a member of that fraternity too. I turned and walked away and sat at our table earlier. I was surprised when the music changed and he walked up to me and asked for my hand to dance. I accepted it. And then we went to the dance floor, I noticed we were the only ones dancing at the middle of the dance floor. I think I enjoyed dancing although he’s not talking at all. Our bodies communicated to each other and our faces radiated the happiness. It was like I was caught up in the music that when it ended, It was like I was washed by iced-cold water and ran away when he was retrieving the music that we danced into. Like Cinderella, I ran and he followed. But in my dream I was invincible so he wasn’t able to outrun me but in reality, he might have. And then I was lost. I didn’t know that the venue was some sort of a labyrinth. Every room I open was connected to another until I reached the very heart of the labyrinth where the fraternity were staying, I came across a room with someone showering in it. I knew it was him and he is about to come out so I looked for escape but I ran into someone and I ran as fast as I could. Good thing it was the way out. While running, I looked back and saw that he was about to chase me so I hid in a car and covered myself. He reached where I was but I don’t know why he pretended that he was not able to see me. He just uttered the words, ‘Please, wag dyan.’ Then I woke up.