You could have had me if you went through my heart first.

I can't stop thinking about the awkward conversation last night. May be there is something inside me that is saying I want Him too? I know I like him but then, do I want him as well?

Maybe, if he has gotten my heart, I could have given in. Like what happened in my first year at law school. I almost gave in because I was so damn in love at that time. When I look back, I really was. But then, this time is different. I really like this guy, but then, he has a girlfriend. So when he asked me if I would do it with him if I got stuck in a room with him, I said No, because I am thinking about his girlfriend. If I was the girlfriend, I also don't want my boyfriend to be sleeping around. Then he asked me, what if we were both single, would I do it with him? I said No again. I have to have him think that he has no chance of getting it with me.

But I like this guy. I'm kind of happy because he finds me desirable. But I don't want only that. If I do it with him, where does that leave me? I am not his wife, certainly not his girlfriend, I have feelings for him and if we do it, I will be left anguished and hurt. Because for him, it is just to satisfy his sexual desire. I kept on saying that we are still friends after what happened but I know, everything changed the moment he revealed to me that I am only sexually desirable to him.

What just happened?

I had this awkward conversation with a guy earlier this night. He told me he wanted to have a sexual relationship with me. O_o

Owwwkay! So uhm, i don't know how to respond to this. :|

Of course, I said no!

I am having a hard time absorbing what just happened. >_<

I think it's time.

Lord, pa-order na po ng love life.

Bente kwatro anyos na ako this year, hindi pa ako nagkakaboyfriend. Wala naman ding manliigaw. Hindi ko alam Kung bakit? Hindi naman ako pangit, yun ang tingin ko. Nung mga nakakaraang taon, hindi naman big deal sa akin ang magkalovelife. It still is not a big deal at all until now because I still trust the Lord for His wonderful plan on my love life.

But I feel that I am ready na. Hahaha! I'm not getting any younger, I also want to have a family. Most of the men and women of my age are already experiencing love and getting married and are already making a family of their own. I am not ready for family life yet. But I know being in a relationship would help me.

"Family Night"

Tonight's a family night! Hahaha!

No, this is not with my biological family. I am with my 'pseudo' family. Ever since I disaffiliated, and ended up with my SFC community again, I always spend my Saturday nights with my SBG (Samahang Binuo ni God) family. But when the Christmas vacation ended and everybody has to go back to work and school, and Icay and Jan finally have jobs, the chances of becoming complete has been slim.

I was always there because I allot my Saturday nights to be my resting night. And I also learned that you cannot bury yourself in the mounds of work you have, you know what matters and relationships matter to me, as becoming a lawyer is.

Tonight, I had dinner with my pseudo son, Zeph, my pseudo brother, Tim and his pseudo daughter, Icay at Alex's. It was not the first time that it was only the four of us that went to eat out. Our other friends tell us that we look like a family because the family members are complete, they don't want to disturb our 'family time'.

You see, Icay and Zeph are in a relationship. Tim has a girlfriend. And me, I have a crush on Tim. Well, awkward right? Hahaha!

I don't know why I'm blogging this. Maybe because I'm a little 'kilig' over the fact that Tim s mine during those times. Hahaha! Call me 'ilusyonada' or what, but WTH, I'm happy during those times okay? Hahaha!

Fix your priorities!

Before I went to school today, I remembered a place that I was really curious about. So while riding the jeepney, I decided that I would pass by hat place and see if I can finish my readings there.

And here I am, in this place called Pink Bubble Tea. I 'm happy because it turned out to be a milk tea shop. *sigh* (I remember my milk tea buddy and fraternity sister Karol) I texted her that she should try what I ordered today, Wintermelon with Rocksalt and Cheese.

Anyway, I stumbled upon this story about the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee. This was about our priorities. Lately, I've been trying to figure things out. Or maybe, I've been meaning to make time for figuring things out.

What are really my priorities? What do I really want to do with my life? Who do I want to be with? What will make me truly happy? What should I do? What is wrong with me? What am I going to do with the things that I am able to figure out?

These questions bother me. And I think I have to figure out a way to answer it all, at least make time for everything that I want to answer.

What is really happening?

I have a problem. I didn't go to class today. Why? I just feel like it. This is so not me. I do have a problem. And I dunno what to do about it. While I was riding the jeepney, it just came to my mind that I have to go down the vehicle and go straight to somewhere else. Why am I feeling this? Two months before the class ends and summer starts but I don't feel like studying anymore.

I know becoming a lawyer has been always my dream. Until now, that dream is still there. But this feeling, I don't know what to call it, but it is killing my dream, it is killing my passion. First, it killed the reason why I entered APO. Now it is killing the fire for knowledge and diligence. What is this really?

I know I will suffer in the end. I don't know what will happen today because I did not go to class. This is serious. What is really happening?

Happy new year!

Saying that this year was another roller coaster ride is a cliche. But, indeed it was. And for this year, I want to experience a lot of things, that I was not able to experience during 2012, and so here it goes.

+ I want to always pass all my subjects. For the past 3 semesters, I always get 1 to 2 failing grades on some subjects. I just want to get pass through law school without a failing grade and if possible, with the highest grade.
+ To always perfect the exams / get the highest score in the exam. I was contented with my grades even if it did not get to the passing rate, I was so complacent. In 2013, I would not be complacent anymore. I will study hard and will do everything so I can achieve this.
+ I want to go to Ilocos on summer and to be able to travel to another country. Visit old churches and spend more time with family and friends. I want to travel. But my lifestyle and situation has prevented me from doing this. I want to go to other places and explore many things.
+ Learn how to cook. This season has got me thinking about learning how to cook and also to bake. I want to know my way through the kitchen. And also, I want to learn it for future purposes.:D
+ Save up for something. I have to save more because I don't have a work yet. So I have an emergency budget if ever I wanted to go to other places.
+ Workout. A lot of people who has onl seen me now has commented that I have lost weight. And so I will continue that project. The project of reinventing myself. I know I still have a long way to go, but I know I can make it! AJA!
+ I want to travel with someone. I want to be able to travel with other friends, boyfriend maybe if the Lord would already grant me that gift.
+ Be able to get touchy (hug,embrace,kiss) with the people I love and be able to talk to someone with eye contact. For the past years, I have been afraid of any physical contact with other people that I have missed the great feeling of being able to express yourself through actions. I haver been afraid of expressing myself even through words because I get so emotional. I am tired of always having to put a brave front.I will be FEARLESS!
+ Make new friends and get reconnected with the old ones. My world has been always big and it has gotten smaller when I joined the fraternity. I was not able to see the world. Without bitterness in my heart, I want to go back to my home community, CFC CENTRAL B.
+ To really fall in love and life. I have been single for the past 7 or 8 years. And in the past, I think I have been contented with the "left overs". That is not satisfying. And I believe, the Lord did not plan for that. It's just that I was so stubborn. have been holding on much to long for the things of the past, for the things that are not for me. This year,I want to really fall in love. I want to feel love and be loved. I will stop from having to beg for affection and pay attention to people that truly want and respect me.
+ To Serve again. I was side-tracked by a lot of things. But I understand now that I have to be lost so that I can be found again. I want to serve again. I will use my studies to inspire more people. I know now that it's because of this that I have to go through all of those hardships and pains.

I thank the Lord for the year that was. It was because of Him that I am the person I am now. He made sure that I will be able to come HOME. And for this, I will face this year with high hopes, much love and soaring faith. :) Happy new year everyone!