Please help me.

Lord, is this a phase? Do I really need to get through this? When I think of my future and I look at the year that I took the bar, it's really a gruesome year for my body and my heart. Why did I have to meet Ian this year? Why did I have to fall in love with him? Why did I have to go through this? Why did it have interfere with my review?

Lord, i am not questioning Your wisdom. I know you have a reason for everything. Please enlighten my mind and my heart so I can understand why these things happened to me. Please help me.

Lapses

Huli na 'to..

Matatapos din lahat ng 'to. Makakabangon din ako. Makakalimutan din kita. Ngayon nasasaktan ako, nahihirapan at madami pang halo halong emosyon. Siguro ikaw din. Napakahirap sakin na parang tayo pero hindi tayo. Hindi ko yun kaya Ian. Nasa high school ba tayo para maghintayan? Ang alam ko matagal na natin naabot yung tamang edad. Black and white lang ako. Sinubùkan ko sa grey area. Napakadaming bagay ang hindi ko naintindihan. At di ķo yun pwede isabay sa bar. Ikaw din, napakadami mong iniisip, di mo pwede isabay sa bar. Ayoko ng wala akong naiintindihan. Ayoko ng wala akong kontrol. Ayoko ng pakiramdam na nakadepende ako sa desisyon ng iba. Kung may choice lang ako ngayon, ako na susuporta sa sarili ko. Narealize ko, kahit gaano pa kita kamahal, di ko kaya maghintay lang sa kung kailan mo ko kakailanganin, kakausapin at papansinin. Hindi ko kaya na wala ako sa priority list mo habang ikaw kinoconsider kita sa lahat ng pangarap ko. Hindi ko na rin gusto marinig at intindihin yung mga pinagdadaanan mo habang ikaw ang dali lang sayo baliwalain yung emosyon at mga pinagdadaanan ko. Hindi ako selfish, alam mo yan. Sanay tayo ng wala tayong kasama kaya panahon na para totoong maghiwalay tayo. Huli na 'to. Ayoko na. Di ako galit. Ayoko na may maramdaman.

To quote something from the blog post you sent me before, "She knows when to stop, when to let go and when to start, when to drop the cowardice and when to fight for love…" I know now that I have to stop waìting for you, I have to let go and start living a life without you. I don't have to be scared to live a new life without you because now, I am done fighting for your love.

I want you now

I want you now.

I want your tongue in my pussy. I want you to kiss me again intensely like there's no tomorrow. I want you to make cum that body shaking orgasm.

I know you can.

I want to be a real citizen of the world.

I want to be an international lawyer, deal about issues on a global scale. Look at the world as a whole because I believe that the world issues are interconnected and we should look at it in a bigger picture, on a global scale.

I want to be a writer. I want to write about things that matter. Things that make us who we really are. Things that make sense. Things that will make us figure out what we really need and love and how to get by with life in a world such as ours.

I want to be an events organizer. I want to see the look of happiness in people's faces when they see that their ideal events happen, when their ideas come to life. I love seeing my ideas come to life. I love making other people happy and that I made it possible for them to be happy even for just a little while, in that event.

I also want to travel. I want to meet new people. Get to know their native language. Immerse in their culture. Learn their way of life.

I want to be a real citizen of the world.

When this is over..

I promised myself that I would hold my heart back for a little while longer. But I struggle in not telling you that I love you.

I still want you to feel that I care. I want you. I want us but I don't say I love you anymore.

There are a lot of things that I want to do with you after all of this is over. I want to see you and talk to you everyday because I miss you everyday. I want to kiss you and make love to you as often as we can, as long as we can.

But I know, the day that I see you again, the moment that we touch or kiss again, I'll be wanting for more. I'll be selfish again. You are addictive! 😂😂😂

So for now, I don't want to see you yet. I'll leave it to fate and to you if you want to see me too. If you can't make it to the send off, it's okay. If we won't see each other during the Bar month, it's okay too.

Bar muna. Pangarap muna. Next time nalang tayo kapag totoong oras na natin.😊

How dare you use the word never!

How dare you use the word never!

You never loved me. You never cared. You never tried to know me.