You'll always be..

These past days,my post were about my love. How much I love him and why I love him. I've been always thinking of the things that I'm saying. Maybe I have done too much. I have exaggerated the description but it's the same thing.

These past days, I've been thinking about myself. If I am still happy. If I can still endure the pain. And I found out that,I can no longer go any farther. I can no longer pursue this feeling, this passion, this hope for I am too weak. I am tired.

Over the duration of the camp, I realized that I needed time for myself. I needed time to think about myself, to love myself and to be one with my own mind again.

I think I'm overdoing the love show that I forgot to love whom I should first love.

I decided not to look at him 'cause he's so dazzling and I'm afraid he'll blind me. I decided not to talk to him, good thing he, also refuses to talk to me. I will delete his phone number. I know he exist, but I'll pretend he doesn't for my heart.

In 3 months, he'll be out of the school. Out of my life and I hope, out of my heart as well. This has been the most tiring and painful three years yet greatest years in my life.

I already gave him the gifts I wanted him to receive. The butterfly has also died. And I think, this is the time for my heart to retire.

I still know that I will always love him.

I Love My Hearthrob Love..

You belong with me..
Have you ever thought just maybe..
You belong with me..
you belong with me..

I was wondering, how was I suppose to endure this pain brought by rejection for the whole of my college life (2 and half years to be exact)?

I know I love him. I can feel it. I chose to. The thing is, he knows that I am madly inlove with him yet he refuses to acknowledge it or take notice of it. And I'm so damn foolish to still love him, to still look at him with so much adoration. And it sucks that my love, since it started, has never failed to take notice of his excellence, of his greatness, of his undying devotion to God and his admirable principles towards how the life should be lived. My eyes, since it first rested upon him, has never failed to look at him with awe, that such marvelous person has been created.

I don't worship him though.. For goodness sake, God is God and he is man. I just see in him the awesome glory of God. So much glory of the Good Lord has been manifested into this man that made my heart fall for him and love him more as if I haven't felt a single ounce of pain.

I will always love him. I learned from a great brother, kuya ronnel, that love should only be given once. Once you have given it, love the person even he/she is not your destiny. I know for a fact that my love is the one I'm going to love for the rest of my life and destined or not, I will always love him..

Hindi nman din kc ako nagmamadali..

Nagpunta ko sa school para maexperience naman ang isang araw na campus tour na wlang iniisip na klase sa gabi..

Nasa jeep na ko nung maalala ko na naiwanan ko pla yung ID ko.. shocks.. anyway, diretso pa dn ako.. As always, baba ako kalentong, sakay ng jeep papuntang teresa..
dumaan ako sa boarding house ni teejhey kc andun si kim at teng at pra humiram na dn ng regi..

Pagdating sa skul, aba ang konti ng tao.. tapos wla man lng pumapasok sa booth namin.. anu ba yan, prang tambayan lang dn.. tapos nag-Power Pakain na. 200 pieces lang ng tuna sandwiches yung pinamigay namin.. Enjoy sna, kaso bitin..

Tapos hntay nlng gumabi, wla tlga lumalapit.. Sinundo na nmin yung mga tga beda, eh ayaw sila papasukin ng ate na guard kc wla daw kmi letter.. Balik si TOSH sa white house pra sbhn kina bosmarc na ayaw sila papasukin. pagbalik nya ksma nya si hearthrob. Hindi ko namukhaan pero nakasimangot ako, alam ko.. Buti nlng hnd ako nakangiti dahil bka icpin nya, wla lng tlga yung selos ko.. Sobra ko tinamaan dun..

Anyway, napagusapan na sa CEA nlng daw. Nagtanong si Nash kung sasakay daw ba ng trike o lalakad, sabi ko, trike na pra hindi magtagal, sabay irap dahil nakatingin na2man si hearthrob.

Eh eto pa, so huli akong sister na pinasakay. Sa backride ako dahil sa loob ang beda. Eh tinamaan ng magaling, katabi ko pa si hearthrob sa backride, kung mamalasin ka nga nman, masama na nga loob mo, makakatabi mo pa yung dahilan.

Sige, keribels lang.. Pagdating dun sa cea, dedma ulit. So hintay hintay muna ng mga tao, eh andun sya sa tabi ko eh, pinili nya yun.

So worship na.. Ang alam ko katabi ko si jhong eh.. Aba nawala, at katabi ko na2man si hearthrob.. Hiya nman daw ako dahil maganda boses nya.. Pero keribels pa din dahil All for God's greater glory nman ito.. pagkatapos, andyan ka pa dn sa tabi ko? Bakit?

Meeting na, dun sya sa pole na katapat ko, haharangan mo ko hearthrob? pinaayos ko laptop bag ni Chriz brown pra makausog ako ng konti at makita si king at danica.. O sya, tumabi nman daw sya kay danica. Tumayo si chriz brown at nagreport ng committee nya, tabi nman daw ako kay nash with matching taas ng isang paa.. Eh bakit tumabi ka ulit hearthrob?

So meeting meeting.. at natapos..

Eto ang masaya, nakasabay ko na ulit si bosmarc umuwi.. Yehey for that..:) At may bago kong love, si TOSH.. Mahal kita TOSH.. I honor you..

Bitter pa din ako db?

Sabi ko nmga sa plurk,"hindi ako maniniwala hanggat hindi mo sinasabi.. hindi ako mag-aassume hanggat hindi ka nagsalita.."

First Time Selos Experience..

February 17, 2009

First time ko magselos sa ibang babae ng dahil kay hearthrob..

Pero bago yun, kwento ko muna ang masayang first day ko ng campus tour (second day na yun dahil wla akong pasok nung monday).

Ayun, hnd ako nakapasok ng World Literature ko kc may ginawa ako na akala ko ipapasa that day, so pagpasok ko, wla pa yung booth sa white house. diretso ko sa unyon, andun si danica, orange, baby greys, mama rose, at yza.

so set up na, tapos ng math of investment ko, baba na2man ako kc wlang E-Global Marketing. Andun nanaman si mama rose na nakasabay kong umakyat sa 6th floor dahil may klase, tapos wla pla. Nagyaya si Abi sa TIP dahil may mahalaga daw syang isasauli kay Ate Tin. Eh wala, andun lang si Ate Claire at Rm.

So ayun, balik sa school, at na-ambush ako ni Meg. Sharer daw ako sa talk 4 ng youth cam training. OO nman ako kc opportunity yun pra magglorify ko si God. Though hnd ko tlga alam kung pano iseshare ang experience ko.

Everday may worship after ng closing ng booth. Tapos,ayan, bago magstart, dumating si hearthrob.. Awkward ang feeling kc nababasa nya ang mga plurk ko at malamang nabasa na nya ang blog ko, pero keribels pa dn kasi totoo naman tlga yung mga sinusulat ko dito at yun ang nararamdaman ko.

Anyways, so talk na. Yehey for that kasi si Kuya Epoy ang nagtalk.♥ At nasa bandang likuran ko lang si hearthrob, kamusta nman ang pinaka-awkward na feeling. Kinig kinig na kami lahat.

Sharing na, anu ba yan si kuya epoy, kasinungalingan ang introduction (peace), ayan, sabi ni Bosmarc andun daw si Sir Doyle.. OH NOS! andun ang household head ko.. Ano nlng iicpin nya dun sa introduction. Tapos na sharing, glory to God. Tapos na din YCT.

So eto na, kakain daw si kuya epoy at hearthrob, sma daw ako.. OH NOS! Ano ko epal dun? So cnma ko si bestfriend teejhay, eh ayun nman pla ksma dn si Meg, so okay na.. Happy kc madami kami.

Noodle House daw sa may Albina, sige, chicken and beef mami. Ayan na, eto na si ate na ewan. Sabi ni hearthrob ayaw nya ng bawang. Dumating na yung order ni kuya epoy, MEg, teejay at akin tapos yung salted egg ni hearthrob, pero iba yung nagserve. Eto na, dumating si ateng nagpapacute na dala yung beef mami ni hearthrob na punung puno ng bawang.. What Duh?! Hindi sya nakaintindi.. So todo sorry sya kay hearthrob..

Hooray to kuya epoy!♥ Dinepensahan nya ko, sabi nya, "Ate, kapag sinabi ni hearthrob na okay na, okay na," with matching amba ng tusok ng tinidor *kung ako yun bka tinamaan ko pa yung ate dahil malapit sya skin). So kunwari nageenjoy ako sa asaran kuno kay hearthrob, what duh, mananapak na kaya ako!! Tapos ang alat pa nung mami.. What duh tlga!!! SO habang kumakain, kumakanta pa ever si ateng nagpapacute, eh hello ate, serenata kaya yang kinakantahan mo!CHE!

So tapos na kami kumain, at sa asar ko, nauna ko lumabas, at nsa pinto pa si ate. Nako, Kate, kalma kalma, bka mawalan ka ng kontrol (bibigwasan ko 'to). AT eto na, hindi na nakatiis si ate, "Kuya,crush kita, kain ka ulit dito ah,".. WHAT DUH!!!! Suntukan nlng o ano.. At kinawayan pa ni hearthrob.. ARGH!!! Paasa ka boy! hindi makakatulog yun!

So parting ways na daw, sa kabila si teejhay at meg, ksma si hearthrob, Waah, kay ate na hnd mo kilala kumaway ka, tapos skn na kaibigan mo hnd ka man lang nagpaalam, WHAT DUH?!?! *sniff sniff*

*clap clap& to kuya epoy kc hinatid nya ko sa sakayan ng jeep. pero nagkwentuhan muna tungkol sa nangyari. Napancn nya na hnd ako kalmado at nanginginig ako. "Eh kasi nman kuya epoy, bakit kelangan nya kumaway pa, at bakit nman kc nagpapacute pa sya, at bakit nman kc lumalandi (sorry for the term) yung ate?!!!?" WHAT DUH!?

Kung kelan tinanggap ko na na hindi na tlga.. Kung kelan handa na ko magsimula ulit, naun pa ko inatake ng bonggang bonggang selos..


ee.. wla ako karapatan na magselos kasi hnd kita GG, pero bongga tlga, selos as in.. Na-suffocate ako ng bongga dun, pramis.

At pagdating ko sa bhay, ang sakit ng ulo ko, dedz ako agad pagdating.. Hindi nacomprehend ng utak ko ang mga pangyayari. Kaya ngaun lang ako nag-blog eh.. Hanggang ngaun hindi pa din ako makaget-over..

The Road Not Taken

Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Someday..

I'll let you go for now,
But it doesn't mean
That I don't love you any more..

I'm just thinking
of what might happen,

maybe tomorrow..

someday..

in the time that we both don't expect

we'll meet

and

maybe..

just maybe..

it would be OUR time..

Question I chose to dwell into..

I've been really busy these months, I haven't had the time to update my blog. The posts were cross-posted from my multiply.

I really wanted to blog about certain things. Things that keeps bugging my mind for some years now.. I don't know I still feel that there are still no answers to this things yet I insist to dwell on it..

The question of identity was always there. Was I really being myself? Was I performing things the way I wanted it to be?

And there is also the question of faith. Am I faithful? Am I loyal to my God?

The ultimate question was for love. Do I really love Heartthrob? What are the chances that we would end up together (because I prayed for it)? Is he the 'it' for me?

I'll be sharing one of our YM conversations and the short story that he had posted..

Tuesday, 9 October, 2001
Heartthrob is busy (1:11 PM) - tonight i write
katrina (1:11 PM): may blog ka pla?
Heartthrob (1:11 PM): huh?
Heartthrob (1:11 PM): where?
katrina (1:12 PM): joke lng.. kinabahan ka?
Heartthrob (1:12 PM): nah, not really
katrina (1:12 PM): anong sinusulat mo?
Heartthrob (1:13 PM): an artic for jru's newsletter
Heartthrob (1:13 PM): my students asked me to write one
katrina (1:13 PM): ooh.. what about?
Heartthrob(1:16 PM): stuff
Heartthrob (1:16 PM): about my stay and everything
katrina (1:17 PM): hanggang kelan ka ba dun?
Heartthrob(1:17 PM): 'til end of feb
katrina (1:17 PM): ilang hours pt nyo?
Heartthrob (1:19 PM): 300
Heartthrob (1:19 PM): haha
katrina (1:20 PM): patapos na?
katrina (1:20 PM): parang ang bilis..
katrina (1:21 PM): ilang hours a day?
Heartthrob (1:21 PM): tagal nga e
Heartthrob (1:21 PM): officially, 5 hours 20 mins lng ako in a day
katrina (1:22 PM): ah.. akala ko from morning till afternoon ka..
Heartthrob (1:22 PM): oo nga
Heartthrob (1:22 PM): from 7am to 5pm
Heartthrob (1:23 PM): but my official time inside the classroom is just 5.20
Heartthrob(1:23 PM): bale 5hrs40mins break ko
katrina (1:23 PM): sayang yung 5 hrs..
katrina (1:24 PM): sa JRU ka lang nun?
Heartthrob (1:26 PM): madalas
Heartthrob(1:26 PM): bonding with classmates/students
Heartthrob (1:26 PM): sometimes i go to pup
katrina (1:27 PM): so afternoon tlga mga classes mo?
katrina (1:27 PM): i mean sa JRU?
Heartthrob (1:28 PM): no, i have classes at 7am
katrina (1:28 PM): till?
Heartthrob (1:28 PM): 5pm
katrina (1:28 PM): your sched sucks..
Heartthrob (1:34 PM): yah, i know
Heartthrob(1:34 PM): it's because on tuesdays and fridays, i have classes on pup
Heartthrob(1:34 PM): 10:30 to 1:30
Heartthrob (1:35 PM): so they gave me that 4hr break from 9:40 to 1:40
katrina (1:36 PM): eh bakit nakikita kita kpag monday?
Heartthrob(1:36 PM): coz sometimes i go to pup on my break
Heartthrob (1:37 PM): especially on my earlier ojt days
Heartthrob (1:37 PM): i'm not close to my students yet
Heartthrob(1:37 PM): so i have noone to talk to
Heartthrob (1:37 PM): my classmates & i have different scheds
Heartthrob (1:37 PM): and we don't match
katrina (1:38 PM): kpag gabi? nakita kita ng mga ilang mondays sa school..
katrina (1:38 PM): 9pm na ata yun..
Heartthrob(1:39 PM): ah, i have classes at night sa pup
katrina (1:40 PM): ooh.. that explains it..
katrina (1:41 PM): so kamusta ang pagtuturo?
Heartthrob (1:43 PM): masaya naman
Heartthrob(1:43 PM): i enjoy it a lot
katrina (1:43 PM): so go kna magteacher pag graduate?
Heartthrob (1:44 PM): not really
Heartthrob(1:44 PM): we'll see
katrina (1:45 PM): bakit may iba ka pa bang gustong job?
katrina (2:16 PM): ganda nug mga stories..

it was always me that started the conversation and also that was left hanging..

How to install LOVE? from kuya ronnel fastidio

Customer Service Rep: Can you install LOVE?

Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?

Customer Service Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now.Is it okay to install while they are running?

Customer Service Rep: What programs are running ma'am?

Customer: Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

Customer Service Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Customer Service Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

Customer Service Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

Customer Service Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?

Customer Service Rep: What does the message say?

Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?

Customer Service Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before It can "LOVE"others.

Customer: So what should I do?

Customer Service Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

Customer Service Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

Customer Service Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, EALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!

Customer Service Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...

Customer: Yes?

Customer Service Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.

Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.

well well well...lupet di ba? and kahit magkavirus pa, you can always reinstall LOVE....lalalalalala

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

(1)Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3)Nothing: This is the calm before the storm.This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4 )Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5)Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7)Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8)Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F* YOU!

(9)Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3

I don't want you to go..

Here I am
alone and I don’t understand
exactly how it all began
the dream just walked away
I’m holding on
when all but the passion’s gone

[chorus]
And from the start
maybe I was tryin’ to hard
it’s crazy coz it’s breakin’ my heart
things can fall apart but I know,
that I don’t want you to go

And heroes die,
when they ignore the cause inside
but they learn from what’s left behind
and fight for something else
And so it goes
that we have both learned how to grow

[chorus]
And from the start
maybe we were tryin’ to hard
it’s crazy coz it’s breakin’ our hearts
things can fall apart but I know,
that I don’t want you to go

Oh it’s just too much
takin’ all the whole world all by myself
but it’s not enough
unless I stop trusting somebody else,
somebody else
and love again

[chorus]
And from the start
maybe we were tryin’ to hard
it’s crazy coz it’s breakin’ our hearts
things can fall apart but I know,
that I don’t want you to go

maybe we were tryin’ to hard
it’s crazy coz it’s breakin’ our hearts
things can fall apart but I know,
that I don’t want you to go