Happy new year!

Saying that this year was another roller coaster ride is a cliche. But, indeed it was. And for this year, I want to experience a lot of things, that I was not able to experience during 2012, and so here it goes.

+ I want to always pass all my subjects. For the past 3 semesters, I always get 1 to 2 failing grades on some subjects. I just want to get pass through law school without a failing grade and if possible, with the highest grade.
+ To always perfect the exams / get the highest score in the exam. I was contented with my grades even if it did not get to the passing rate, I was so complacent. In 2013, I would not be complacent anymore. I will study hard and will do everything so I can achieve this.
+ I want to go to Ilocos on summer and to be able to travel to another country. Visit old churches and spend more time with family and friends. I want to travel. But my lifestyle and situation has prevented me from doing this. I want to go to other places and explore many things.
+ Learn how to cook. This season has got me thinking about learning how to cook and also to bake. I want to know my way through the kitchen. And also, I want to learn it for future purposes.:D
+ Save up for something. I have to save more because I don't have a work yet. So I have an emergency budget if ever I wanted to go to other places.
+ Workout. A lot of people who has onl seen me now has commented that I have lost weight. And so I will continue that project. The project of reinventing myself. I know I still have a long way to go, but I know I can make it! AJA!
+ I want to travel with someone. I want to be able to travel with other friends, boyfriend maybe if the Lord would already grant me that gift.
+ Be able to get touchy (hug,embrace,kiss) with the people I love and be able to talk to someone with eye contact. For the past years, I have been afraid of any physical contact with other people that I have missed the great feeling of being able to express yourself through actions. I haver been afraid of expressing myself even through words because I get so emotional. I am tired of always having to put a brave front.I will be FEARLESS!
+ Make new friends and get reconnected with the old ones. My world has been always big and it has gotten smaller when I joined the fraternity. I was not able to see the world. Without bitterness in my heart, I want to go back to my home community, CFC CENTRAL B.
+ To really fall in love and life. I have been single for the past 7 or 8 years. And in the past, I think I have been contented with the "left overs". That is not satisfying. And I believe, the Lord did not plan for that. It's just that I was so stubborn. have been holding on much to long for the things of the past, for the things that are not for me. This year,I want to really fall in love. I want to feel love and be loved. I will stop from having to beg for affection and pay attention to people that truly want and respect me.
+ To Serve again. I was side-tracked by a lot of things. But I understand now that I have to be lost so that I can be found again. I want to serve again. I will use my studies to inspire more people. I know now that it's because of this that I have to go through all of those hardships and pains.

I thank the Lord for the year that was. It was because of Him that I am the person I am now. He made sure that I will be able to come HOME. And for this, I will face this year with high hopes, much love and soaring faith. :) Happy new year everyone!

Simbang Gabi Fail..

On the third morning of Simbang Gabi, I had a toothache so I have to stay up all night. When I checked my phone, it's already 5 am. I was counting on Mama to wake me up, but she woke up late too. I was planning on finishing the 9 mornings so I can try wishing for something. I think it's not yet time for what I wanted to wish.

BETTER LUCK NEXT YEAR.

Friends.

In moments like these,I cant help but be sad. I don't have someone to be with during simbang gabi. :( NOt that I'm seeking for a lovelife, I just want to have a companion.

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RH Bill

I think rh bill is a good bill. The only problem is its implementation. The thing is, we really a lot of great laws but the people lodged with power of implementation seems to have different interpretation of the provisions of the law. And i think,there would come a day that lawyers would not be needed anymore.

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I'm having trouble..

So here's the thing. I'm having trouble with my sleep. This started when the whole rituals fiasco started. Since then, i have been waking up in the middle of the night,shaking. I had trouble going back to sleep. So I finally decided that I have to put an end to this. Not only because of sleep but also because of a lot of things. Putting an end to it was the only solution. And so I mustered up all my will and courage,and finally told them that I am dropping of the rituals. And also, I told them that I can't stay in the group anymore.

It's been almost a month, and I still have troubles with my sleep. But I think,my mind is finally clearing up.

PS. I didn't get to see the Meteor Shower last night. I forgot. :(

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Library,Church,Milk tea and Lights

I went to Pasig Library today to review. I told my mom that I would be going to class, but I already know from last night's facebook post that there wouldn't be a class today. Okay, I planned this because, I think I need this. I can't study properly for the subjects. I need to study more because I have disaffiliated. I have to show them that at the very least, disaffiliating did me good.

I studied for 3 hours, because I went there around 2 in the afternoon and the library closes at 6 in the afternoon. But I think I'm halfway through my readings already. I plan to go there earlier tomorrow. I have a class at 6pm so I have to go at 3pm and resume reading when I get to school.

After going to the library, I went to the church. It's been a while since I last went there. I knelt and all I can say is "Lord". I don't know what to say. I don't really know what this is. I just went there to be still. I know the Lord already knew what this is. He already knew that I would be seeking His guidance. He already knew the way on how to solve this emptiness. He already knew all of these because these are part of His greater plan and I trust Him.

After that, I went to order for Lasagna Supreme at Greenwich and headed to my new found milk tea place, Floakers. This place is like Ingen. I like it because few people go there and I get to study without the people's noise.:D I am disappointed with my lasagna and thought that I shouldn't have ordered it when I found out that Floakers already has nachos and carbonara. The nachos and Bleberry Yakult was great! I will try the carbonara next time!:D

And oh, I noticed the dancing lights in the Pasig Plaza, it's like the lights show in Ayala Triangle. Great Job, Pasig!

Dilemma

So, yes, I have disaffiliated recently with my fraternity. Well, technically, one cannot disaffiliate from a fraternity but then, I regard what I did as such.

I am sad and devastated. Mourning, as you may call it. I never imagined that I would be doing this. Well I did. So what I can do is to stand firm with my decision.

Anyway, I've been thinking about things. A lot of things actually. One of these is law school. I have been beyond lazy when the semester has started. I feel tired. Why is that? I don't feel like reading anything. I don't feel like going to school except on Thursdays.

Maybe it's just now, next year, when classes resume, I would regain my stance.

I do love law school, you know.

Awkward!

I got a call from someone earlier. I did not expect him to call me again after I disaffiliated. He initiated the call, but since I am using a different phone when he called, I missed it. So I called him back, only to find out that he would make it seem like I was the one who made the call first. Hahaha! I don't want to talk to him anyway. The call was awkward, but I managed to deviate the awkwardness into something professional. Never gonna call him again! I never intended to, when I have already made up my mind and heart to disaffiliate.:D

Yes, I am having a hard time moving on. But I know I will, eventually. I want to leave everything in the past. It's a good thing the year is just ending and I am happy that I am with my community again.

My mom said, the reason why I decided to disaffiliate is because RIGHTEOUSNESS has already taken over the WRONGNESS in me. Right and Wrong is not balanced, as what they (org)has always thought us. Maybe she's right. Maybe. I don't know. But I have made up my mind. I am never coming back.

I am not yet feeling it, but I know I will be happy eventually.

I should not be feeling this way. I did not study for it like they did. I just wish i could go thru this sem without a failing grade. Please Lord,just this once, I promise I'll do as you will. Let me go through this without a failing grade. Thank you! May Your mighty will be done.

Slowly but surely

Minsan impatient lang ako eh. Gusto ko na maglovelife. But then, naiisip ko na okay lang naman din ako na single. When I read a friend’s post about being impatient or parang the related or same kami ng nararamdaman at the moment, napadasal lang ako na “Lord, ito din yung gusto kong sabihin sayo eh.”

When I read, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, nung highschool ako, I learned the importance of getting to know someone before you delve into the realms of courtship, and I realized how exhausting it could get, considering I was really young then. And I literally kissed dating goodbye. And now I want to read ‘Boy meets Girl’, may be I am ready for courtship, maybe I am ready for a romantic relationship, maybe lang naman.Siguro I missed the signs. Siguro masyadong mataas ang standards ko. Siguro oblivious lang ako sa mga nagpaparamdam. My pace might be slow, but I know this is the Lord’s pace for me.

Nananiginip nanaman ako. Bakit ganito palagi, yung malapit na kong magising?

Napanaginipan ko nanaman sya. At mukhang magkasama nanaman kami sa isang pagdiriwang sa bahay ng isa sa mga kaibigan namin. Ganito naman palagi. Kung hindi sa events sa mga salo salo kami nagkikita. Kaya special ang bawat pagkikita namin (maikonek lang?).

Hindi naman kami talaga nagpapansinan. Civil lang. Naguusap pa din kapag nagkasagutan sa isang usapan kasama ang mga kaibigan. Pero kakaiba yung pagkakataon na yun kasi, magkasama kami sa iisang lugar na wala ang mga kaibigan namin. Well, andun naman sila sa venue pero nakahiwalay kami sa hindi ko maisip na rason, pero may mga kasama pa kaming iba.

Hindi kami nagpapansinan, pero nung mapatingin ako sa kanya, bigla syang sumenyas ng apir, so nakipag-apir naman ako sa kanya. Civil naman kasi kami eh. Ang ikinagulat ko, hinigpitan nya ang hawak sa kamay ko at napunta ang mga kamay namin sa pagitan namin dalawa. Maya maya, binawi ko, kasi nahihiya ako sa kanya, baka sabihin nya pa, nawiwili ako. Pagkabawi ko, bigla kong narinig na sinabi nyang "ihahatid kita ah", pero mahina lang kaya hindi ko na pinansin.

Medyo tumagal pa kami sa salo salo na yun, may naupo na nga sa pagitan namin at nginitian ko lang sya nung mapatingin ako sa kanya. Maya maya, nakatabi ko yung isa kong member, sabi ko uwi na tayo. Tumayo sya, akala ko may pupuntahan, sa harap ko lang pala. Tapos sabi nya, "Ano ba yan, di ba sabi ko ihahatid kita. Bat sasabay ka sa kanya? Lagi mo nalang akong pinagseselos." Gulat ako, sabi ko nalang, "Ay bat di ka nagsasabi kasi agad. Malay ko ba?" Paglingon ko, nakangiti lang yung mga friends namin na nakikinig. Mas gusto ko yung ngiti ng kapatid nya na parang nagsasabing, "FINALLY!"

Habang naglalakad kami papunta sa motor nya, tinanong ko kung anong meron sa kanya. Hindi na daw nya kayang magtiis pa. Mahal naman nya daw ako talaga. Nakasakay kami sa motor, kaya di ko na narinig yung iba pa nyang sinabi. Sabi ko nalang, tumigil muna kami at mag-usap.

Tumigil kami sa Pasig Park, sa kapasigan, tapat ng simbahan. Nung makaupo na, inasar nya pa ko. "Ayos ka din ah, pag dumadating ako, kabang kaba ka ah. namamawis ka agad eh." HAHAHA! Totoo naman yun, pero kapal neto. HAHAHA!

Tapos, may weird na nangyari, dumating yung campus based at niyayaya kami sa praise and worship dahil inilipat daw ang campus fresh sa Pasig. Ang weird talaga.:))

But anyway, the main point is, sana magtapat na nga sya. I believe, someday he will. Someday he will be mine. Someday, he will realize it. Sana sya nalang plano ni God for me.

I had a very unusual and extraordinary dream early this morning.

I had a very unusual and extraordinary dream early this morning.

Sabi nila, nangyayari ang panaginip kapag half conscious ka. Meaning malapit ka na magising. Nanaginip ako kaninang umaga. Umaga talaga eh noh?

Nagsimula yung dream na nagpakita sya sa akin. Lumapit, hinawakan yung kamay ko at ayaw nyang bitawan. Nagkkwentuhan lang kami na para bang sa wakas, dumating na ang pinakahihintay kong bagay, ang sya naman ang lumapit sa akin at magtapat na gusto nya din ako. Hindi ako gaano makatingin sa kanya kasi nahihiya pa din ako. Pasulyap sulyap lang ako at sumasagot sa mga usapan namin, hanggang sa mapansin ko na maglabas sya ng cellphone. Wala naman syang cellphone sa pagkakaalam ko eh. Kaya nagtaka ako. Hindi pa din ako makatingin sa kanya ngunit pagsulyap ko, kukunan nya ko ng litrato gamit yung cellphone. Nahiya ako kaya sabi ko stolen nalang kunwari.

Nagulat nalang ako ng biglang may lumabas sa likod ko at may ibinigay na bagay sa kanya. "Sabi ko sa inyo magagawa ko eh." sabi nya dun sa mga tao na lumabas. Sabay dating ng kapatid nya, "Ang kapal ng mukha mo, nakayanan mong gawin kay Kate yun, ang bait bait nung tao eh." yan ang sabi ng kapatid nya. Galit na galit ako at sa sobrang galit ko, nasampal ko sya ng paulit ulit. Ang sakit, akala ko totoo na. Niloloko nya lang pala ako. "Alam mong handa akong ibigay sayo kahit ano pa yan, nakahanda akong gawin ang lahat para sayo, sabihin mo lang! Bakit kelangan mo pa 'tong gawin sa akin?" galit na galit na sabi ko. "Ano ang naibigay mo sa akin? Ni wala ka pa nga nagagawa para sa akin!" sagot nya. "Aba, ang kapal mo, gusto mo ikaw pa ligawan?!" sagot na mas galit na galit at nasasaktan. Inilayo ako ng kapatid nya dun sa llugar kung nasan sya, ito nalang ang humingi ng paumanhin.

At nagising ako sa ingay ng drilling sa tapat ng bahay  namin. 9am na pala. At nagtaka ako, ang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko. Grabe, kung totoo yun, ang sakit. Ang sama nya. Hindi naman nya kelangan pang pasakayin ako, kasi basta magsabi lang sya, handa akong gawin ang lahat para sa kanya, pero syempre yung tama at moral. Mahal ko eh.

I'm scared of losing someone I never had.

I'm scared of losing someone I never had.

Bakit ganito yung feeling? Mahal ko yun eh. Hindi ba pwedeng kami nalang? Kami nalang hanggang huli? Grabe, ganito pala yung feeling na yun. Yung parang may nawawala sayo unti unti. Ang sakit eh. I can sense it, I'm losing him to someone na hindi ko pa nakikita. I'm scared of losing him. Ang masama pa nito, he was never mine to begin with.

Okay lang naman kasi ako, loving him from afar, but then bakit ganito? Nasasaktan ako. Nagiging selfish ako. Okay lang ako basta single sya. Alam kong masama, ayokong mapunta sya sa iba. Gusto ko sa akin sya. Kahit iresist nya pa 'ko, gusto ko sakin pa din sya babagsak.:(

Mahal ko talaga sya, at ang sakit sakit na.:(

Malapit na ang tag-ulan, malapit na maubos ang oras para magsaya..

Noong mga bata bata pa ako ng konti at nagseserve pa sa yfc, inaabangan ko na mag-summer na dahil ito ang highlight ng taon para sa mga yfc. March palang, ang dami ng activities. Kabikabila ang mga plannings, youth camps, trainings at syempre reunions.

Ngayon, malapit na ko mag-23 years old. At ang klase ng buhay ko ngayon ay malayo na sa nakagawian ko habang lumalaki ako sa yfc. Unang summer ko 'to na wala akong ginagawa kundi mag-aral lang at manatili muna sa bahay habang walang pasok.Ngunit buti nalang may youthcamps ang pinakamalalapit na clusters sa puso ko.

Last week, nagcamp ang CB2 Pinagbuhatan chapter, at kahit hindi man ako totoong service team, naramdaman ko na masarap pa din pala maglingkod. At syempre masaya akong makita ang aking mga kaibigan. Matagal ko na din sila hindi nakikita eh. At tsaka syempre, yung taong nagbibigay ng fire sa passions at dreams ko.:)

Kahapon naman, nagpunta din ako sa youth camp ng hoe cluster ko. Ang CB3. Nakakamiss lang din talaga. Pero madaming bagong mukha, bagong coords, bagong yfc's. Andun din ang CB2 para umalalay sa kanila dahil bumabangon palang naman din ang B3 pagtapos ng ilang taong pagkalugmok.

Malapit na ang tag-ulan, malapit na maubos ang oras para magsaya. Malapit na magpasukan, babalik nanaman ako sa totoo kong buhay. Hindi naman sa nalulungkot ako, masaya naman kasi ako sa propesyon na inaaral ko. Ang pinagaalala ko lang, baka hindi pa sapat ang naipon kong lakas para magpatuloy na ngayong taon na 'to. Napapadasal nalang din ako sa Diyos eh.

Alam ko naman na Ikaw na ang bahala sa akin Lord eh. Alam mo ang mga nilalaman ng puso ko at ikaw lang ang nakakaalam ng mga nakatakda. Naniniwala ako at nagtitiwala sa plano Mo para sa akin at para sa hinaharap ko.

“Hindi ko na maitatanggi, oo, mahal pa din nga talaga kita.” — Summer 2012

Hindi ko naman kasi talaga sinabing wala na db? Tumahimik lang ako pero hindi naman kita sinukuan. Andito pa din ako. Mahal pa din kita. Masaya ako na kada mawawalan ako ng lakas ng loob para ipagpatuloy ko ang mga pangarap ko, lagi tayong pinagtatagpo ni Lord, at pakiramdam ko, ikaw yung nagbibigay ng additional fire sa passion at dreams ko.

You always inspire me. Bilib ako sayo eh. Mahal na mahal kita. Hindi ko maimagine kung saan nanggagaling 'tong ganito kalakas na feeling, pero mahal na mahal kita. 

Kahit na hindi tayo ang para sa isa't isa, masaya ako kasi magkaibigan tayo. Lalo na sa puntong 'to, na magaan na sa pakiramdam ang makasama ka. Hindi ko na nararamdaman na ayaw mo sa akin. Kuntento na ko sa ganito. Patuloy akong magmamahal. Patuloy kitang mamahalin hanggang sa dumating yung taong inilaan para sa atin. 

Thanks for the inspiration and happiness na dinadala ng existence mo sa buhay ko.:)

P.S. Congratulations Engineer!<3

Today, my thoughts burst..

‎"Hindi na ko matatakot, hindi na ko manghihinayang. Kung talagang nakatakda kang tumagal at manatili sa buhay ko, hindi tayo magkakahiwalay kahit anong mangyari." 

Lagi akong natatakot mag-isa. Sabi ng karamihan, magpakatotoo ka lang. Oh well, nagpapakatotoo ako pero kapag may pumuna na sa akin na nakakasakit na ko sa paraan ng pananalita ko dahil hindi daw ako marunong magpreno, hindi daw ako marunong magdahandahan sa pananalita, dun ako lumalayo at hindi ko na naipapakita yung totoong ako. 

Oo, my words may be harsh sometimes, siguro nga di ako marunong magpreno, siguro nga hindi ako nagiisip kung makakasakit ba ko sa mga salita ko, pero para sa akin, nagagawa ko yun dahil yun ako. Gusto ko lang malayang makakilos at makapagsalita sa mga kaibigan ko dahil hinding hindi naman talaga ako magsasabi ng makakasakit sa kaibigan ko intentionally. Kung kaibigan talaga kita, alam mo ng ganyan ako magsalita talaga.

Let us meet soon.

"Romantic ba ang maghabulan sa ulan?" #walanghanggan

I know, he's somewhere out there. The person that would make me fall in love. The person that will sweep me of my feet. The person I am going to love for the rest of my life. The one that I would spend the rest of my life with. I know, God has an amazing plan for me. He has great plans for my love life. And He's writing the greatest story ever.

But sometimes, I can't help but wonder, where is he? Where is this man? I don't want to sound impatient, but sometimes, I can't help but ask myself, when will I meet him? When will I feel that joy and happiness that comes from romantic love. The kind that is not unrequited but the kind that is mutual. I've never felt it. Or maybe, I miss it. I miss that feeling. I miss the feeling of being mutually in love.

Lord, maybe it's not yet the right time for us (love of my life) to meet, but I pray that you keep us both safe. Give us the strength, courage and patience to wait. I know, You are still writing our love story and You will be most pleased if it would be played well by us. I pray that you keep my hands full of knowledge and learnings as I wait for him. Grant me the patience I need till we meet. I long for his love, and maybe, just maybe, he longs for my love too. So please Lord, let us meet soon so our happiness and joy will overflow and that may we also give glory and justice to the love story that is Your plan. Amen.

Nagseselos ako!

Nagseselos ako! Bakit hnd ko alam? Bakit hnd mo ko nilapitan? Pakiramdam ko wala ako nung mga panahong kailangan mo ko, or hindi mo tlga ako kinailangan.:( Naiinis ako na si regie lang yung kasama mo. Naiinis ako na hindi mo sinabi sa akin nung mga panahon na kailangan mo pala ng kaibigan!

Alam mo yung pakiramdam na miss na miss na kita. Lapit ako ng lapit sayo. Kinakamusta ka. Sabi mo sa akin okay ka lang, tapos ganito, hindi ka pala okay. Nalulungkot naman ako kasi hindi mo ko naconsider na pagsabihan, na takbuhan. Nakakalungkot kasi mahal na mahal kita. Alam mo naman yan eh. Miss na miss na kita. Madami ng nagbago, pero di ko inaasahan na pati pagkakaibigan din natin. :(

Rambling and Ranting over the same things again.:'(

My self-confidence really hit the bottom. Nanuod ako ng The Big Bang Theory para tulungan ko yung sarili ko na maalis dun yung isip ko, but I'm unsuccessful. Tumatawa ako but then naiisip ko pa din. at hindi na sya ganoon nakakatawa. I'm sad. And no one comforted me. Even my "so-called" batchmates. The hell they care. It was always like that. I don't get any sympathy from them. Lalo na kapag may nakatampuhan ako, it was always me whose always at fault. I really don't know. Masyado na ba akong emotional? But I haven't really been emotional lately. I've been suppressing all my feelings for, apparently, No one cares. Nobody really cares. May nangangamusta ba? Wala. May nag-console ba? Wala. All I'm saying is, NOBODY FUCKING CARES! So why show your emotions? People would just laugh it off, but when they're the ones with problems, I'm always there to give them moral support. Where are they when I needed them? My feelings are important to me. I had so many things to deal with lately that I have neglected my feelings. Either no one wants to talk about it, no one cares about it, or everyone is just stopping me from talking about it. Apparently, our subjects are much more important than my feelings. Maybe, that's where I have gone wrong. I have been prioritizing people over my own self. That's why I've been hurting like hell.

Bakit ako nalang palagi yung nagbibigay ng malaki? Bakit ako nalang yung nagmamahal ng matindi? Bakit ako nalang yung palaging nagbibigay ng concern.? Masyado ba 'kong humihingi ng malaking kapalit? Gusto kong magdrama, umiyak, maglupasay, mag-rant, magwala, maglabas ng sama ng loob. But then, kanino? I have always considered them as my closest friends. Bakit ganito?

Gaaah! I REALLY DON'T KNOW!