Never doubt in the dark what God has told you in the light

"Never doubt in the dark what God has told you in the light."

Here I am, 7 semesters and 3 summers past, and I am about to transfer to another Law School. I am transferring because I don't feel happy anymore in that Law School. It's not the study of Law that is wearing me out and giving me stress, it is the people around.

I need a change of environment. I alreaqdy recognized that last summer but I took no heed from it because I thought it is just a passing thought so I tried another semester in that school. Gradually, I lost my passion for the Law. I should have noticed that the second it affected my studies. I am in Law School to become a Lawyer and I should not be paying any attention that is not helping me achieve my goals.

As the next semester starts, I am positive that everything will change for the better. I hope to never get any failing grade again. I will strive harder for excellence. I am pushing for 2016 bar and I will become a Lawyer come 2017.

This fact has been promised to me by God and I am determined to achieve it.

If the guy does nothing, you don't have a real problem.

“He may love you. He probably does. He probably thinks about you all the time. But that isn't what matters. What matters is what he’s doing about it, and what he’s doing about it is nothing. And if he’s doing nothing, you most certainly shouldn't do anything. You need someone who goes out of their way to make it obvious that they want you in their life.”

I have always thought about this. That is why I am not concerned about my love life. I am a princess. A princess daughter of God. I should not be putting my heart out there if the man is not ready to put his heart out first. I should patiently wait because God is preparing someone for me that can take on my strong personality.

If the guy does nothing, you don't have a real problem. Until he says he loves you and does something to prove it, the urgency to think about it arises. The need to feel what your heart says and decide if it is the time to commit. But until the guy does nothing, you don't have to do anything.

"Do you ever wonder why you don't have a boyfriend"

"Do you ever wonder why you don't have a boyfriend" - the freakiest question asked to me by someone.

Earlier this day, I was surprised that Ninang Jing was visiting. Maybe, it is because of Kim's uniforms. Why I seat in the dining table, eating my lunch. My mom and her started how fat I have looked from the moment she has known me up to this day. And then, the awful question was raised.

Of course, I have asked that several times. But I guess, I don't want my body to be the first reason why I guy liked me. I don't want to believe that physical appearance is the most appealing part of a person. I want to be liked as I am. It's not that I don't want to get fit, it's just that I refuse to believe that men are shallow beings that only look on the physical appearances of women.

It is depressing though when we measured my vital statistics. I had really gotten really big!

On Discipline and Determination..

It's depressing that I got 3 times fatter than I was 10 months ago..:( What was I doing? I have been saying that I have to lose weight before I graduate. And graduation is no where near, so may be, unconsciously, I also was delaying my way to fitness. 

Last Sunday, I slipped twice inside the gym, while wearing rubber shoes (for God sake!). Technically, three times when I tried standing up from sitting on the floor. The second was the worst because I had a bad fall and my foot got twisted, I think. It's not swollen but it feels weird because when I walk, I feel that my leg is falling off my knee, but it does not hurt that much. 

This is kind of a wake up call because when my feet cannot carry me anymore, the denial should stop and I should start minding my weight again. I should really stop denying that I really am super fat again. It scary because I having been slipping at flat surfaces for no reason at all and my feet are aching for standing, even though it's not that long. I get dizzy often and I have trouble balancing myself while walking. All my life, I have a problem with balance. What if one day, I had a bad fall which might cause me to no longer be able to walk or worst, hitting my head hard because of the fall and end up dead.

I hate that I can't fight the urge to stop eating junk food and drinking carbonated drinks. I need to work on my discipline and determination again. I hope, next summer, I would be wearing a swim wear at the family outing.

This is me now. How depressing, right?

I am looking forward to going back to this, or may be a lot slimmer than this. :)

Heart Break.

There are those things and people that can easily break through you. Sometimes, harsh words from other people you care about. For me, it is my family. It was not easy growing up with a family that looks warm in the outside but is really a breeding ground for perfection, at least that was how I felt. Over the years, I ponder on my childhood and adolescent life. I did not go through what most normal kids went through. As a child, I spent most of my time learning. It was not a problem back then. I like studying and I love reading. I did not know that it would pose as a problem later on. I was not allowed to play in the streets at the early age of 7 and I was not allowed or the thought of bringing friends in the house to play was frowned upon. So eventually, I stopped inviting friends over and just buried myself into my studying and rewarded myself by reading the books I want to read, for leisure. When I was in High School, I was not exactly bullied but I was not also the most favorite person in my batch. I was not also exactly invisible. I was seen but not exactly seen. My interests were not really the same as theirs. Eventually, I become a YFC and spent less time in school than I did before. I got dropped from Pilot section to the Regular section, so I had lesser time in school than usual because I don't have to attend debate classes anymore.. My life revolved around the YFC community even I went through college and cross over - ed to SFC when I was in transition through my last year in YFC.

I was always perceived as strong. At least the people in my circle thinks I am strong. And sometimes, being strong for others or for the things that matter is so exhausting like you just wanted to rest and rely on other people too. Lucky for me, I have learned early in life that the only person you can rely on in this cruel world is yourself and the Lord  Sure, you may have your set of true friends and there is also your family. But they really don't know what you really are going through. They know only half of the things that you allow them to know. But the Lord knows everything. You don't need to hold back because He already knows even if you don't say a word. He knows the whole story. Even the things that You do not know that resulted to your current situation. 

There are those people that can break you. I can take on whatever people throws at me, but when it comes to my family, I easily break. May be because I grew up to not be expressive or I have a hard time expressing my feelings that I breakdown whenever we talk about sensitive issues. As for me, the most sensitive issue is my studies. I am pursuing a Law Career and recently, I stumbled upon a pit stop. Of course I was devastated. I did not expect and had not prepared for it so when it came, I did not know how to react. And my family kept badgering me that I needed to decide and move on fast. But I was still in shock. I needed time to mourn and bask in the shadows of this road block. So what I did was, I did not talk to them much and I sulked in the comfort of my computer and series in silence. I was also processing things slowly in my mind, trying to figure out the next concrete stop. There were to options, take a detour or wait for the road to be repaired so I can go on with my journey to hurdle the Bar.

I chose to wait. I chose to appeal my cause to the Dean and get a second chance at finishing Law at PUP. I do not know what is down the road. It scares me, but whatever it is, I trust that will hold my heart and will always remind me that everything is for a greater cause, and that is to glorify Him through my studies. I pray that the Lord will with me until the fulfillment of the promise. :) I AM RELIEVED AND HAPPY NOW, THANK YOU LORD!

My Big Blessing..

Last Sunday, I joined in the household of my other SFC sisters. The topic was LOVING THE UNLOVABLE. One of the questions was, What is your big blessing?

Over the course of the summer, I feel like I am not getting any blessing. I flunked 12 units of my units enrolled which leaves me a vulnerable heart and a dismissed status. I was really devastated. But I couldn't react in a proper way, if there is any proper way to react on this. I was not thinking because if I would, I would lash out on anyone. My mom was the regular recipient of my lashing out because she always asks me about my future plans. You see, I am not the persons that wants to be rushed. I want to do things, my way. I want to do things at my own phase, regardless if people would say that I am kind of slow or I seem that I don't have a plan. And I don't like revealing my plan. You see, I don't like to be understood. I like complications. I'm complicated that way. :D

Anyway, as I was pondering about my big blessing, I stumbled upon the fact that I am appealing in my 3rd year. There is a policy in my school that dismisses a student if he/she failed more than half of the units enrolled. But there is an appeal, and they will still allow you to enroll with a condition that you pass all the subjects that you will enroll in that semester.

I realized that I am blessed that the Lord waited for me to get to 3rd year to punish me. I know I did not do everything that I need to do in order to pass. But this time, I am determined to do it. I am determined to pass it and to take on the real responsibility of this career that I am pursuing. Thank you Lord!

KALMADO LANG.

In my 25 years of existence, nakakatuwa na nagpoprogress yung ugali ko. The other day, I was out with a friend. We talked about a lot of things. Tinanong nya ako kung in love pa ko. Sabi ko, oo naman, mahal na mahal ko yun pero kalmado lang.

KALMADO LANG.

Wala akong lowest point. Yung aabot sa punto na gugustuhin ko nalang na magresort sa kung ano pa mang bagay na makakapagpasatisfy lang ng mga nararamdaman ko. Alam ko na kasi na si God lang makakasatisfy sakin. Kalmado lang ako sa lahat. Siguro, nagsastruggle pa din ako na maging kalmado, kasi sa simula, hindi yun ang ugali ko eh. Pero dahil sa natutunan ko na agad nung teenager palang ako na walang mangyayari kung kakabahan ako at dapat magtiwala lang ako palagi sa Diyos, nabawasan yung mga takot at kaba ko.

Ano bang punto ko? Ang punto ko lang naman, matuto tayong mag-let go. Mag-let go sa mga nakakatakot at nakakakabang mga bagay at hayaan na natin si God yung trumabaho. Sabi nga sa isang lecture na narinig ko nung YFC pa ko, "LET GO AND LET GOD! Kapag nagawa mo na ang mga dapat mong gawin at umabot na sa puntong hindi mo na kontolado ang mga bagay bagay, magtiwala ka lang, si God na ang bahala."

Nakakatuwa na may ganitong community na katulad ng Couples for Christ. At nagpapasalamat din ako na maayos ang magulang na meron ako. Kasi kung hindi dahil sa kanila, may anak na siguro ako at napapabayaan ko sya kasi hindi ko alam ang ituturo ko dahil pariwara ang buhay ko.

"I love you. Probably, I always will. But it is really time to let go. Our lives, they will always be connected."

Starting Over Again..

"Andito sya. Gusto ko malaman kung bakit kami magkikitang muli." - Ginny, Starting Over Again (Star Cinema, 2014)

January 19, 2014 nung makita ko yung trailer nung movie. I feel inlove with the movie, agad agad, kaya sinabihan ko na agad si Anya, Jecai at CJ na papanoorin namin ‘to, sakto sa Valentine’s Day.:)

January 29, 2014, 10 days after, nagkita kami ni Jeff, ng hindi inaasahan. Matagal na kami hindi nagkikita, yung totoong kita, yung may kwentuhan, bilang magkaibigan. Nagkakasalubong kami paminsan sa mga SFC gatherings pero pinipili kong wag syang pansinin. Mas okay na sigurong walang nakakaalam na minahal ko sya bukod sa mga taong matagal na kaming kilala at sa mga taong malapit sa akin.

Tulad ni Ginny, natanong ko din sa sarili ko ‘to. For weeks, nagugulo ako ng tanong na yun. Mahirap sagutin. Lalo pa at may gf sya, tulad ni Marco sa movie na yun. Pero nasagot na kahapon (Feb. 15, 2014). Nanood na kami ng Starting Over Again, kaso wala si CJ kasi nasa CDO sya for the SFC ICON.

Minsan, kailangan mo ulit makita ang taong minahal mo sa nakaraan mo para magkaroon kayo ng closure. On my part, I believe kaya nagkita kami ulit kasi kinailangan ko na marealize na hindi na sya para sa akin. Kailangan ko na bitawan yung lahat ng nararamdaman ko sa kanya.

Palagi kong sinasabi, okay lang ako na hindi nya ako mahal, basta mahal ko sya, na hindi ako nasaktan ng nagkagirlfriend sya, na masaya pa nga ako kasi nagmamahal na sya. That’s not all true. At the back of my mind, in my heart, I am still hoping that he will learn to love me too, that eventually, he would realize that I was the one for him, nasaktan akong hindi ako ang nakagawa ng paraan para bumukas yung puso nya. I will regret not making him feel how much I love him. I will always love him. Pero sabi nga ni Marco, “I will always love you, but in a different way now.”

Nung nakita ko sya ulit. Bumalik lahat ng nararamdaman ko sa kanya, kasama pati kahihiyan at galit ko sa sarili ko. He is, really, that one guy, that can bring out everything in me, the best, including the worst in me. So maybe, it’s time to really let go of that love.

Just now, I unfriended him.Hindi pa kasi ako okay eh. I may be okay someday. Someday, just not now. I’m still thinking of disconnecting from other people connected with him but I think me and him, we’re always going to be connected because we are in the same community.

Someday, I’m going to meet the right person and I’m going to love him right.

And now I’m starting over again. I’m not saying I’m ready for love but I’m not closing my heart. After all, masarap sa pakiramdam ang love..:)

Random

Sana meron magparamdam sakin na okay na bumigay at magrelax kasi andyan lang sya, di naman nya ko iiwan. Yung kumbaga, makapagrelax at marecharge lang. Kaya ni God yun, pero sana may taong magparamdam sakin nun..