Novembar Blues 1

This weekend reminded me again why I don't want to have a husband and kids.

It all started as me just being annoyed of the Family drama on my father's side. Also because I love my family so much that I am somewhat ashamed that we will get the reputation of my relatives.

Ever since we were kids, they're (Papa's siblings) are already in a cold war until it broke down to so many family feuds. Like Tita Lea would be fighting with Kuya Do or Kuya Do and Tita Lou or Tita Lea and Tita Josie. And the root of this is money and greed. I don't know how they manage to fight with their siblings and overlook their family ties just because of greed. I cannot imagine fighting with Grace about something so trivial as that. I cannot imagine fighting with anyone about something so trivial. I cannot even imagine fighting with my sister. Our fights are normal sibling quarrels that patch up after minutes or hours or with us, just by changing the topic and not talk about it anymore, after that we're okay.

I want to be a bride. Maybe I also want my own family. It comes out of the conversation with my parents. Maybe I haven't really accepted the fact that I am for a married life.

Earlier this year, I got involved with a same-sex relationship. Maybe, a part of me decided that I wanted something like that is because I don't want others to get involved with our family drama. I don't want to burden my kids with the stress of having to deal with the drama of being in this family. I act that I do not care but I deeply care, I am so emotional and I am so sensitive. Like right now, i am crying about I don't know what.

I loved Ian. I did. But maybe he's right all along that I do not know what I want. And meeting him was so that I can sort my shit through.

I don't know, maybe it is because of the Bar that I haven't gotten my shit straight. I always known what I want and how to get it and to not give a fuck, even on situations that calls for me to care.

I can't wait for this month to end so I can finally sort through my shit and map out my future plans again.

Lord, please help me. Give me everything that I need to survive and pass the Bar Exams and to be deserving of the blessings that you are giving me. I believe You have a wonderful plan for me. Amen.