Unilateral promise..

Hon, I don't want to lose hope that we'll end up together. Maybe not for now but eventually. I can't believe I can belong to another as bad as I wanted to belong to you. And I don't want you to be with someone else. There is no denying that I can't get the peace that I need without you in my life so I'm telling you this. Mag-aral ka lang on 2017. Let's become the person we deserve during the time that we are apart. I will come for you on 2018, on the day you pass the bar. On that day, I promise that I will be the better person you deserve. I hope you still want and love me now and at that time. This is a unilateral promise and I don't expect you to be bound by it. I love you. I'm always yours.

Seeds Planted In Concrete

"2017 is the year to care — to take your life into your own hands.

2017 is the year you get out of your own way. The year you start to realize the potential you have swirling within your bones. 2017 is the year you don’t ask for permission, the year you put ideas out into the world like wildfire. It’s the year you create something that outlives you, that starts a revolution within your life. It’s the year you don’t take no for an answer.

2017 is the year to prove to the world that you have every reason to be in it — that you are allowed to take up space. It is the year you finally accept that you are the only person who defines your value in life, that you are the only person who defines your worth. 2017 is the year you believe, with ruthless passion, that you have purpose, that you are deserving of the things you wish for, that you are capable of achieving every dream they called too ambitious, or too big, or too difficult. Prove them wrong. Stand up for your desire, show them what you can do with all of that fire within you.

2017 is the year to simply give a shit. The year you care deeply about the things you’re producing, the relationships you are curating, and the life you are building. It is the year you tell people how you feel, boldly and confidently. It is the year you show up for yourself; the year you celebrate the people who chose to stay in your life rather than lament over the ones who left. 2017 is the year you overwhelm yourself with feeling; the year you don’t apologize for how you shine, the year you don’t quiet the intensity of your heartbeat.

2017 is the year you jump, even when your legs are trembling."

Desperada ka pa rin..

Move on quietly, love yourself loudly.

"When someone breaks our heart, we so desperately want them to know how much they hurt us, thinking it will change something. But it doesn’t. They can respond emphatically, feel guilt, and hopefully learn how to avoid hurting someone so badly in the future, but your hurt isn’t going to change the situation and likely won’t make them feel anywhere near as bad as you do. Even if they did something horrible, they’re telling themselves whatever they can so they can feel better too, we are all always in survival mode- “They’re hurting now, but it’s what is best for them in the long run,” “It was unavoidable.” Whether their internal dialogue is true or not, we are experts at convincing ourselves that our actions are justified. Your pain is yours to work through, no person can be both the cause and solution of your hurt. Don’t be afraid of expressing it because it’s real and can be so overwhelming, but you don’t need to “prove” your pain, hoping for some sort of response. If anything, it will push them away further, and delay your moving forward. Ultimately, you don’t want to be with someone only because they don’t want you to be sad, or because they feel sorry for you. You shouldn’t guilt someone into loving you, and them pulling a lesson from the situation is their task. You work on your own."
— 

I can't understand.

I can't understand. It doesn't make sense. How can someone fall out of love that easily? How did we end up here.

From the start. It was not my fault but it felt like what I gave wasn't enough. It felt like I could have given more.

But that's the problem about giving. The person you have given so much wants more. And you can't possibly give it to them because you do not have the capacity to give it.

I don't want to hate anyone. I don't want to be bitter. I will get past this. I want to be able to talk about him without resentment. I believe that the Lord has a greater purpose why this had to happen.

Moving forward.

He was the hand I chose to hold for a lifetime yet he chose to remove his hold on me.

I choose to move on from this. I love him. I never knew I can love as intense as this. I don't know if I could love another like I did with him.

With me, he never could have second guessed because I would give him what he wants in a heartbeat.

With me, he has a friend he can trust and someone that listens.

With me, he never has to fear that he can't be himself because my nature is to accept people for who they really are.

It really didn't make any sense that we ended in that way. There are other reasons that really could have ended us, months ago, yet we kept on coming back to each others' arms.

I don't know why he picked something petty as this. I don't know why love wasn't enough to cover the hurt. I was able to forgive him because I love him. I don't know what really happened.

But I am ready to move on from this. I choose to move forward with my life. It is not giving up on our love but it is a process I have to go to change into a person I should've been and meant to be.

If he ever comes back, I would be firm at my decision to move forward. I had to second guess myself, my worth, my position in his life and my faith over and over because of him. I can't go through that again.

My commitment, at the beggining of the year is to love myself and be open to more possibilities. There is still time to shift that love to myself again. With the help of the Lord, I know I will be fine.

You are the biggest lesson of 2016.

I have so many reasons to be angry at you, at me, at us. But I don't know what to feel. Of course I want you back. Pero yung thought na pinipilit na kita. Yung ayaw mo na talaga. Yung galit ka sakin. Di ko alam dapat ko maramdaman. If I was so convinced that all I need is acceptance to move on from this, why does it feel like my world crushed down? Bakit parang pinatay mo ko? Ian, ganito ba kasakit yung ginawa ko sayo? Naiintindihan ko na. Hindi galit yung naramdaman mo. Sakit. Dahil parang sinira ko buong pagkatao mo ng biglaan. Yung sobrang sakit gusto mo nalang tapusin lahat para tumigil ang sakit. Ian, sorry. Naiintindihan ko na. And now I understand why you finally had to end it. If it was me, I would have done the same thing. Yet love you from afar and never speak of us again. I can't say sorry enough to rectify the damage. Maybe I will still message/call you regardless if you read or not. I'm sorry. Truly sorry this time.

But my stand still remains. I love you. I will always love you. You are the biggest lesson of 2016.

I will love you. I eill always love you.

Ian, I never questioned your gender. Tumakbo sa utak mo lahat ng yan. Wala akong ginawang masama sayo. And even if I admit to it, hindi pa rin maaayos. I can't say that enough to make you believe it because something went on in your mind. I wanted to get involved with your life so I can understand because I am determined to stay. I am not eager at labeling you by gender because to me, you are the person that I love and my soul connected with you from the moment I saw you. But it's you that wanted more. I am never enough. I am always wrong. It's you that is always comparing me. It's you that have so many expectations, not me. My love was never enough. So I agree, mabuhay na tayo ng normal. Hindi, mabuhay na tayo ng naaayon sa kanya kanya nating pinanggalingang mundo kasi hindi na pwede yung mundo natin. Hihintayin pa rin kita. Hindi para bumalik sakin pero buksan ang mga mata mo, totoong buksan ang mga mata mo. Mahal na mahal kita. Magingat ka. Good luck.

I will always love you.

I was going to send this in your email but it seemed that you deleted it at nakablock din ako sa fb and I don't even know if you will receive this, but nevertheless, I'm gonna text it to all your numbers saved in my phone and I doesn't matter if you bothered to read it or it pissed you off. I'm just gonna go ahead and say it.



How did we end up here? I'm still shocked, how fast it happened. One moment you want me and then the next moment, you want to fuck bitches. I miss you and I still love you but I don't want us back. All we did was hurt each other. We were never ready for each other. Yet we continuosly tried to make it work but it will never work because we are two different people that can't compromise and can't meet halfway. Like I always say whenever we try to part ways (and I guess this will be the last), I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to remember you as the selfish jerk that got me to act crazy (because I am already 50 shades of crazy). I want to remember you as my toughest lesson of 2016 and a big part of my redefining moment. I will not delete any of our last conversation that did not last for a month (Haha!). Even you number. Our chats and emails. This will serve as a reminder to me that time is fleeting and no matter how serious you are about a person, it will eventually end. We might have ended, but the lessons of this year will always burn in my heart. We will move on. Good luck on your bar. I hope we both make it. And when we see each other again, please, will you smile at me? Forgive me for wasting our time.

Because I knew you, I have been changed for good..

You don't realize it do you? You are selfish. Akala mo lang mabait ka sa ginagawa mong pagtahimik but all that does to me is build up all the hatred and hurt. My heart has been pushed to brim. Nasagad na respeto, pasensya at pagmamahal mo sakin pero di mo naisip na sa tagal mo na ko sinasaktan, bumabalik pa rin ako. Tama ka, dapat una pa lang ginawa mo na 'to para hindi na tayo umabot sa puntong to. Hindi mo narirealize yung mali mo kc palagi kong inaako ang kasalanan kung bakit tayo nagaaway. I hope you'll realize that you are selfish, you only think of yourself and what will benefit you. One way sex and staying silent,  do not mean selfless ka. Selfish ka because you don't want others to penetrate your thoughts and heart. Your respect, I have never felt it. There are other things to do in a relationship other than sex. You have redetermined the meaning of 'i miss you'. Telling me you miss me means you want to fuck me. Pag nakuha mo na, you are good for a long period until that itch comes back  and you'll miss me again. And I will just always be there because I'm just waiting for you to look at me, REALLY LOOK AT ME. When I tell you I miss you, nothing there involves sex. I longed for your heart. I longed for your soul. I have been wondering when will you let my soul out. When will you allow my mind to speak. When will you want to see me, get to know me, see the real me. When will I see you, the real you. So this is you? It's still scary but I still want you. I still want to peel all your layers and get to your core and still love you even in the process of hurting and losing a grip of myself. I love you. I have never imagined I could be selfless and be capable of this immense love for another person other than myself. You have been finding all your exes' faults in me but you can't yet you managed to find a greater fault that will end us.  Have I ever made you feel that you are never enough? Have I ever compared you with anyone? Have I ever made you feel insecure? I am consistent with my personality from the start. I am emotional. And I express how I really feel with words in an attempt to make you understand how I felt at times you hurt me. But you can't understand because you refuse to. In all our fights, were you able to think if you had caused the fight. Why am I so emotional? What triggered our fights? What caused me to tick? You weren't able, weren't you? You are self absorbed. You preferred the comfort of all the things you believe and standards you set for yourself to determine how they will treat you. If it's not in your checklist, it's unacceptable.

You are right. We don't need each other in our lives. I have to learn the extent of my capability to love and give in a hard way but I hope someday, you will realize that your selfisness, stubborness,  lack of empathy and fear of the light caused ALL your relationships to go down the drain. I will miss you. Because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

P.S. Seriously, keep the bar materials for now and send them back after the bar. If I wiĺl trust anyone to use its full potential, it's you. Please, grant me this one last request.

You're still the one..

I have a confession to make. Ever since I have heard Shania Twain's "You're still the one", I've longed for that kind of love. Since then, even unconsciously, I have been picky with the people I chose to spend time and invest my time and emotions with. Often times, I get heartbroken because I invest too much and I misunderstand.


As time passed by, I have learned to choose more wisely and to associate without much attachment. But when I met Ian, everything I know, everything I have learned from the past was lost and I am back to that little girl that hopes for a love described in "You're still the one".


I hope he is the one. I cannot imagine myself being in love with someone else with this kind of intimacy and intensity. I long to say, "After all this time, you're still the one I love". Regardless of the fights and heartaches and obstacles we face, I pray that we still choose to be with each other and still choose to fall in love with each other everyday.