My Christmas wishes..

I'm not fond of making wish lists.. Because I don't believe in them.. Once, when I was young, I made one and that's the end of it.. I didn't make any wish list anymore.. I do make wishes but I don't have faith in them. It's just a mere expression of what I want to receive or happen but it doesn't mean that I believe it will happen,if it comes true, okay, if it doesn't, it's also okay..

But now, I have something I really wanted. I want itt so badly that I need to write it down and wish (and PRAY!) that Santa might read it and tell Jesus to grant me the wish..

I have two big wishes for this Christmas..

1.) Please Let me Graduate this May 2010.

2.) Please Let me have my chance on love.

I know the first is reasonable enough for God to grant my wish. Call me pathetic and desperate, but I still want the second to come true. I do want to fall in love, again, madly, deeply, that I can and don't wanna let go. i want a love that will last forever. This time, the love I'm asking God is what I really want for my future. I want to fall in love and also be loved too. I want to feel loved like I am the most beautiful girl in the whole world. I want to feel God's love through a man the Lord God has destined for me.

Lord, I am not asking much. All I want for Christmas is this two wishes. I am yours and yours alone and I have no complaint on that. Just this two wishes for this Christmas, please Lord.

Mahal ko pa din sya.. pero ngayon, iba na..

Minsan, inakala ko na okay na ko. Akala ko, itong nararamdaman ko, humantong na sa hangganan. Akala ko hindi ko na kaya magmahal. Akala handa na ko sa bagong simula. PEro hindi pa pala.

Nang makita ko sya, mas lalo ko lang napatunayan na isang malaking kalokohan ang ginagawa ko sa sarili ko. Mas lalo ko lang nalaman na hindi naman pala basta basta mawawala ang nararamdaman mo kapag sinabi mong gusto mong magmove on kasi likod palang, maiiyak ka na kasi sobra mo pala syang pinapangarap.

May kaibigang nagsabi sa akin, "tumigil ka na, wag na sya, wag mo na sya pangarapin, wag mo na sya pagpantasyahan."

Gusto ko sana. Pinilit ko naman eh. Ginusto ko naman. Pero wala pa din nangyari. Iba talaga kapag sya lang ang nakikita ng mga mata mo kahit hindi mo naman literal na nakikita sya.

Ayoko sabihing pangarap ko lang sya. Hindi ko sya pinangarap. Kung may choice lang ako, titigil naman talaga ako. Eh anong magagawa ko, nagmamahal ako.. At ang masaklap, hindi nya kayang ibalik ang mga nararamdaman ko.

Ngunit kahit ganun, masaya ang pagmamahal ko. Dahil nagmamahal ako. Wala mang kapalit, okay lang. Kasi hindi ko naman sya pangarap.

Mahal ko sya. Mahal ko pa din sya. Sa kabila ng mga nagdaang panahon, mahal ko pa din sya. Pero ngayon, iba na.

Hanggang dun lang..

"Hanggang tingin lang naman ako sa kanya, bawal lumapit, lalong bawal humawak. Bawal kumapit at bawal umasa." habang nagcecelebrate kami ng mga kaibigan ko kanina sa isang tambayan malapit sa skul, nakita ko sya, sobrang lapit lang, pero hindi ko pwedeng abutin. Alam mo ba yung pakiramdam na hindi ka na makapagpigil at nararamdaman mong bumabaon din ang paningin nya sa'yo, na sa bawat paglingon mo sa direksyon nya, huling huli mo ang mabilis nyang paglingon din nya.

Lingid sa kaalaman ng lahat ng kasama ko na andun ka. Na sa tuwing tatama ang mata ko sa kabuuan mo, may kumukurot sa puso ko, sa bawat lingunan natin pakiramdam ko ay may pangungulila. At ang pinakamasakit, nakikita kong malungkot ang iyong mga mata. Wari bang ipinahihiwatig mong hindi ka naman talaga masaya.

Alam kong hindi ka masaya. Nasasaktan akong makitang malungkot ka. Hindi kita mahawakan. Maalalayan man lang. Hindi pwede. Bawal. Hanggang tingin lang ako. Sana mabasa mo ang mensahe sa mga mata ko. Andito lang naman ako, hinihintay ang bawat sabog ng damdamin mo, bilang KAIBIGAN. Oo. Bilang kaibigan lang.

Pagod at Pahinga..

PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO.PAGOD AKO.PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO. PAGOD AKO.

PAGOD AKO!!!

Kakatapos lang ng sectorcon tapos metrocon na naman ang aatupagin. Napapagod na ko. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung gusto ko pa tong ginagawa ko. Hindi ko na alam kung masaya pa ko o kung ginagawa ko lang 'to dahil kelangan, dahil sabi ng ibang tao. Hindi ko na ata nakikita ang Diyos dito. Parang ayoko na magPROD. Pero wala naman akong magagawa kasi YCOM ako.. At saka ito ang programa ko. Eto naman talaga yung service ko. It's what I do to please and glorify God. Dito ko mapapakita na mahal ko Sya.

Sana nasasabi ko lang 'to kasi pagod ako at hindi dahil hindi na ko natutuwa sa mga ginagawa ko.

*Sinulat ko 'to mga ganitong panahon din nung nakaraang taon. Nahagilap ko lang sa mga credentials ko kasabay ng nakita ko ang nakakaloka kong dalawang grade sa isang subject. Anyway, sa pagbabasa ko nito, nainis ako sa taong nagsulat nito nung nakaraang taon, nainis ako sa dating ako. Puro reklamo, puro kapaguran nalang nya yung inaatupag, puro yung kasiyahan nalang nya yung iniisip. Hmm.. Narealize ko na nakakainis pala ako dati (at least ako nainis sa sarili ko at hindi ang ibang tao). Hindi ko alam kung nagbago ako ngaung taon na 'to eh. Alam ko puro pa din talaga k reklamo. Madami pa din akong inis, madami pa din akong tanong, pero sana may nagbago. Napapagod pa din ako, pero sa pagkakataong 'to, marunong na ko magpahinga sa panahong kinakailangan ng pahinga para hindi umabot sa exhaustion. Para hindi umabot sa sasabog na yung galit ko o yung damdamin ko..Sana sa pagkakataong 'to, naggrow na ko..

Best Friend..

I was browsing through my batchmates in high school's recent photos and I can't help but to think about them..

I wonder how are they doing with their lives.. I don't have news about them for the past years ever since we entered college. Even my closest batch mate since grade school, Kathlene Rapadas, I don't have any definite news about her even though our moms are best friends.

I can't help but reminisce about high school.. Many years has passed.. So many events have occurred and many things should have changed amongst us. I wonder what it is that changed in them.

Yesterday, I chatted with my best friend in high school, Brian Soliven. I'm happy with the change that he showed me. He's so talkative now unlike before. He's open to talk about all things in his life that I need not ask questions just to keep the conversation going. I so miss him. He even encouraged me to get a boyfriend so my christmas won't be lonely, haha, what a friend..:) One of these days, I'll ask him to meet up with me. I so miss him. Only that, he's happy now with his 3-years girlfriend. You see, I loved him before, in high school. I don't love him anymore in a romantic way but sure there is always love in my heart for him as a friend because I was able to see the real him before he changed into a better person know. I loved him before, surely I'll love him more now that his better. I want to be friends again with him. Best friends again, if he'll allow..

Gold's not old

Gold, in my own perspective, is the most precious element of all time. Therefore, once you sell gold or a gold coin, that would really be expensive. For women, when they are given a gold by a man, it's really a great thing and it would really make them flash a big smile on their face.

Do you have any idea where to buy gold or gold coins? In your place, you can visit the nearest pawnshop. But do you know where to buy gold and gold coins online? You can buy gold coins online at goldcoinsagain.com. You can even sell a gold bullion. If you're a gold coins collector, this is the right and best website for you. You can buy affordable gold coins that you've been waiting for a long time.

It's better to buy gold coins online because you can just stay relaxed while shopping for it. You can also avoid the crowd that's waiting for you at the mall which can lead to a stressful day. So what are you waiting for? Visit this website and know what's in store for you.

Decision Making

Making a decision isn't easy, especially when you are dealing about things that are both good for your future.

As of the moment, I am dealing with my decision on staying in Central B as a sector YCOM head. I am thinking that I can no longer stay because in my heart I am not passionate anymore. Also because I feel that I am doing things just for the hang of it. I am doing things as if it's a job and not a thing that I love doing. And most of all, I feel that I can no longer see the point of staying anymore.

On the contrary, I still feel that I have to stay because I have to finish my term this year. Also because, I feel that I still need to train Luis to stand up as the YCOM head. I also feel that I have to build relationship with my YCOM crew.

Honestly, I want to choose not to stay anymore because this will benefit a lot of people around me. And I find peace when I think about it. But still, questions are being raised, and reasons to stay are still showing.

I don't know. Maybe I still have to prayand think more about it..