Breaking down

Hindi ba ko worthy pag-effortan? Naibigay mo na ba lahat kay Val kaya wala ka ng maibigay sakin emotionally? Nagkulang ba ko? Hindi ko ba naiparamdam sayo na mahal kita? Bakit ko 'tong pagdaanan sayo? Sabi mo mahal mo ko at bar lang yung humahadlang satin? Wala na. Tapos na db, nung November pa. Hindi ko na alam. Ang sakit.  Malamang manahimik ka pa rin. Yan lang naman yung willing kang ibigay sakin. At patuloy pa rin ako magtatanong.

Tama na please..

Sa totoo lang, simula nung magreply ka sa message ko kanina, gusto kong bumalik pa rin sayo. Nung narinig kita, gusto ko magmakaawa ulit na bumalik ka na. Hanggang ngayon, kahit madalas ako masaktan dahil lalabas na hindi totoo yung mga sinasabi mo sakin, ikaw pa rin yung binabalik balikan ko.

You will always have a soft spot for me and you always say you love me. Pero di ko naman naramdaman kahit kailan yun. Baka nga, di mo lang maipakita sa paraang mararamdaman ko. Sabi mo pa nga, gusto mo that you can talk to me about everything but there are a lot of times that you have silenced me.

Sabi nga, in love, there's no fear. Kaso, takot na ko sayo. Di ko na alam kung paano maging ako kapag andyan ka. Sobrang sakit nito kc gusto ko na andyan ka lang. Pero parang mas makakabuti sating dalawa pag magkahiwalay.

Sana nga makapagsimula tayo ulit one day. Yung wala na yung sakit at takot ng nakaraan. Kahit magkaibigan nalang. Salamat sa lahat ha. Wag ka na sana sumagot. Naniniwala pa rin ako na baka mahal mo nga ako. Takot nalang ako na baka dumating na yung panahon na hindi na talaga. I love you.

Good bye.

"You're the one I want next to me when my dreams come true, and you're the one I want next to me if they don't."

Today marks the day that I have decided I want you and only you. I even missed my father's birthday because I don't want to be separated from you. I was willing to give up everything just to be with you. I don't regret any of it though because I would do it again granted the circumstances back then. You wanted me then. I was once your queen.

However, I see it now. Love doesn't have to feel that I should compromise my beliefs, especially my family. I admire you for having a strong filial sense. Akala ko strong na yung sakin, di pa pala.

Everything that has happened are due to my weaknesses at hindi ako dapat magalit sayo for having strong values. We are really different people at tapos na yung purpose natin sa buhay ng isat isa. I will always remember our time together as something beautiful but fleeting. Baka tama ka, siguro nga para ako sa iba. Salamat sa lahat. Di man tayo masaya hanggang huli, sana napasaya ko yung buhay mo kahit sandali. I love you. God bless us.

Have a nice life.

Plateau

It's been 2 weeks since my 160 lbs. weign in. Since then, I've ocassionally eaten junk food and cookies but I was still drinking water, green tea and apple cider vinegar. I checked my weight in the scale from time to time. The lowest I've gotten was 157 lbs and the next day it was 163 lbs.

I got scared. That feeling did not deter me from eating junk food. Last wednesday, Feb 28, I felt so bad that I still was desperate for Ian though it's clear from her silent treatment that she doesn't want to talk to me. I was even close to cancelling the meet up with Tina and attending Sky's Birthday.

Though I figured I need the real people in my life right now, I still want Ian. This is my mistake here. My emotions are still anchored in her that the moment she messes up, I feel defeated.

So now, I always pray to God to pick my emotions up. Let all of me be anchored in Him so that I can't get too devastated when something or someone fails me.

I also realized that I have hit a plateau since my weight doesn't go down anymore. I want to start the 7 day water fasting since I'm not doing anything yet. I'll still drink green tea and apple cider vinegar.

Last try..

Somebody said to me before that any first lesbian relationship would never work. I was determined to prove them wrong. But maybe they're right. Wala pang 1 month, di ko kinakaya na di mo ko pinapansin or I am not your priority. I am so impatient. Pero yung totoo, impatient ba ko kung wala ka namang tinutupad sa mga pinapangako mo sakin? Di ko makalimutan lahat ng ginagawa mo sakin, good and bad pero mas tumatatak sakin yung bad palagi. 2 years, lahat ng magandang nangyari satin dahil yun sa ako yung gumawa ng paraan. Pilit kong iniisip kung may mali ba ko kapag ginugusto kong pansinin mo ko? Selfish ba ko kapag ginusto ko yung atensyon mo? Pati yung panunumbat ko sayo kapag nag-aaway tayo, mali ba 'to? Everytime mag-aaway tayo or magbbreak, I always feel defeated. Di dahil nakikipagkumpetensya ako sayo pero kc natalo nanaman yung pag-asa kong baka narealize mo na kung anong deserve ko. I told myself countless times na hindi ka na magbabago, pero sa tuwing sasabihin mong mahal mo ko, umaasa ulit ako na baka maging totoo rin yan isang araw. Pero dumadaan ang mga araw na parang wala lang ako sayo, na okay lang kahit mawala ako at parang pabigat ako lagi sa buhay mo. Mahal kita. Mahal na mahal. Napakabuti mong tao sa totoo lang. Siguro talagang hindi na tayo ang para sa isat isa kahit anong pilit ko. Hindi na ako yung nakakaintindi at makakapagpasaya sayo. I'm grateful that I got to know you and be with you. At least now I know myself more. Love is love regardless of gender or the lack of it. Thank you.


I wish that one day, this number will not ring anymore. Or the operator says, "Your number cannot be completed if dialed, please check the number and dial again." So that I would know it's not working anymore. I wish I don't remember any of your email addresses. I wish I don't have ways to contact you. I wish we never met and fell in love. And more importantly, I don't get the urge to hear from you. I know I sound pathetic and crazy now, as I always do. And maybe things will get better in the long run. But right now, it just hurts. I want it to instantaneously stop. Please. Be kind to me. Just please tell me to stop.

That stubborn 25 lbs. though! Ugh!

I have been trying to lose weight to prepare for my oath taking and lawyering career and also to get better and healthy. I wanted to start running. At my current weight of 160.3lbs, I think I have lost 30+ pounds. And that's something to be happy about. My goal weight is 135 lbs. but my mom said 120 lbs. should be my suitable weight as I am only 5'2". I lost 30 lbs. in less than a month. That is surprising since I have been trying to lose weight so many times and I will fail. But I think it is different now since I have been drinking green tea and apple cider vinegar on top of a healthy diet. I don't do much of exercising, but I have committed to walking (adding a kilometer everyday) and to doing 100 squats everyday. I can't see changes yet but people around me are saying a lost a lot off weight. I vowed to go to the gym once I hit 130 lbs. and lose that remaining 100 lbs. at the gym and look more stronger.

I've been watching mostly Youtube videos from positive people like Shameless Maya. Bright side, TED Talk, Absolute Motivation, Wil Dasovich and whatever positive stuff I stumble on.

I can't do anything yet since I am still on rehab. I haven't been physically active since forever and I live a very sedentary lifestyle. I recently had chiropractic procedure done on me and I still have to practice walking properly and gaining balance on my body and leg strength.

Ian and I sort of broke up again before the our 23rd monthsary and I don't know if she's coming back but I have said my piece. It's up to her now to make a move. Lately, I'e been exploring with my sexuality. It looks like I am not a lesbian and not bisexual. I just am. I am not attracted to any particular gender or both but I love who I love. I just am. Recently, Amber of Amber's Closeet brightens my day and also Lexine. These are lesbians but they kind of remind me of the potential that Ian can be if she happens to be more vocal and open about certain things, but only to me. I don't want her putting those stuff in the internet.

I also think that the things I see in Amber and Lexine are probably the qualities I am really looking for in a partner. I don't know. But this year, I just want to really focus on myself and getting better.