In Love

Funny, I don’t know how many times I have fallen in love and got heartbroken. I can’t seem to remember when the 1st time I fell truly in love was. I can’t date it back to grade school. I kind of liked a lot of guys that time but those were just crushes. It can’t be mistaken as love because I was young then.

My first love, I think is my best friend, Jan Brian Kristoffer Soliven. He was my classmate for two years in high school. He is branded as the ultimate playboy together with Sherwin Salceda. I don’t really know why we became best friends. The only thing I can remember was that he used to sit beside me, chat with me, tell me his problems (love,family) and joke around and laugh with me like nobody else can. I saw him court girls and also got heartbroken for awhile when they break u like it was an SOP to get depressed about a break up when he was the one who initiated it. He would always tell me who his prospects were and he would also ask for my opinions, analysis and approval on to which one would he hit on first. When I was doing that, at the back of my mind I was asking myself, “what was I doing?” He’s going to go again. He’ll never be mine. He’ll just be my bestfriend. And truly it was, he only became my best friend and after a year we parted ways. Our batch mates would always criticize him but still I stand by him because I was able to see the real part of him which others won’t see even his girls.

I loved Brian for almost the whole of my high school days, it’s just so sad that we can’t be friends forever. At our final year in high school, no communication was made between us and I’ve gotten involved into other stuff as YFC, so I’ve grown to like working outside the campus.

That was then when I met my first boyfriend, John Ivan Mantiquilla. We were YFC’s and he was my chapter head. I thought I love him. Now that I think about it, I really wasn’t in love with him, I was just enthralled to feeling of being loved because the heart break from Brian was unbearable. I just wanted to tell myself at that time that I am over and done with Brian and that I can prove everyone that I can get myself a boyfriend if I want. Our relationship lasted for two months because of some complications in our families and service. We broke up. We haven’t had a decent and civil communication until we were in third year college. We are now both leading our lives the way it should be. He’s happy with his girl and I am happy yet searching for that someone who’ll make me feel that heaven is here on earth.
College life went on. I liked a lot of guys, mostly my brothers in YFC. I don’t really know if what I felt for them was real so now I refrain from saying I truly love them. Among those are, Kois Roxas, Miko Ramoso, Glen Charles Lopez and Marc Ycaro. I thought I love them but no.

Here comes another one that I think I felt real love in. He’s name is Mark Alvin Yagaya. He is a brother in YFC and the exact of what I dreaded to fall for. He is a SIGA member (less fortunate). He is full of himself even if he doesn’t admit it. When he talks I get hurt. And I think he is dumb. But I fell hard for him. I loved him for most of my college life. But he didn’t like me. Even for a friend I won’t pass. Our relationship was a plain you’re-my-sister-you’re-my-brother-no-more-no-less relationship. I chose to love him even if felt that I am just mocking myself. Because I love the feeling of being in love or the feeling of having someone to regard as someone you love.

Now I admit, I am over and done with Alvin now. He is n longer in my heart, because someone has come to replace him in it. This is my first time, after so many years, to love a person not in the community. I don’t want to say that I love him now. But I feel something for him. He is Mark Lester Gerardo, my classmate. I treat him as a brother because he’s older than me. I have forbidden myself to fall for him because that would mean losing another brother again. Also because someone was courting him and she was also our friend. I also tried not to fall for him because he said he doesn’t want to fall in love yet because of his past relationship failure.
I love the feeling of being in love. I love the feeling of having someone to be regarded as the one you love. I want to experience true love in God’s time because God said, true love waits. I bet I’ll have my love story anytime soon.

One More Time

Why is it hurting this much? I saw their eyes. I know for sure it’s blank. I can’t see me in their eyes. I can’t see the care. I don’t want to admit it but I am hurting. It seems like I don’t know them anymore. It seems like it wasn’t really meant to be that way but it did.

I can clearly remember the day when they offered me to come with them. Although it was wrong, I tried being them because I was desperately in need of friends. No one wants to be my friend in school. Everyone was scared to be an outcast too.
And so I came with them. I tried to be like them, because, really, I was once like them, but I long forgotten that past me because it was for the better, because I can’t glorify God in those ways. But at that time, In my weakest point, I found what I was really yearning to have, FRIENDS.

They offered me experiences that I haven’t experienced with any of my “so-called” before. I experienced love in them. I felt loved and needed for once in my life. And I held on to them like a life support. I held on to them like I was gonna break any moment if I won’t do that. I loved them like no other. I was ready to devote my life in loving them but now, when I think about it, I was really fragile and weak. I can’t afford to get hurt. And I was still doubtful because of all the pains I have experienced before.

Days passed, months passed, summer came and ended, I held on to them, and said that, “This thing should be true. I hope it’ll last forever. I hope I’ll be in their lives forever and vice versa. But after 2 months, everything that I thought was wrong. Everything was a sham. Everything that I hoped for vanished in just one night.
That day, I don’t know their reason why they did that. They said it was just a joke. But I know the difference between a joke and a true hurtful word. Or maybe I am just so fragile to over react on matters like this because, I have been hurt before, so many times. Have I forgotten to tell them that I am weak, that I can’t take hard jokes, that I can’t, in anyway, afford to get hurt at this time in my life? No, I can’t forget that thing to be told to people I trust. I know I told it to three or four of them. And I expect them to always regard me with care. I trusted them with all of me, especially with my fragile heart. But they too shattered me into pieces.
After that incident, I was prepared to forget about them and start all over again. But I think my heart isn’t ready yet. And when the unexpected happened when we all saw each other, I was really devastated because I didn’t expect them to talk to me and work things over. But what am I to do? I am still hurt by the incident. So I did what my heart was telling me, to shoo them away and pretend that I don’t care about them anymore, show them that I can, on my own, live again, be happy again and that I really need them.

It was only yesterday that I saw them and yet I still think about them. I saw Joy, and I know for sure that I really hate her because she’s the one who started everything. I really hate her ever since the day I met her and hated her more when she tried to overturn me to presidency. Next, I saw Lester. I know he saw me at the corridor. But that time I was with Diana and Clarisse, my first real friends when I shifted to Marketing. I thought they have changed but they are still the same friends I met 2 years ago and I missed the chats that we only did today. Any, the next was Jonathan. Yes, I’ve been fond of him. I also wished before that he’ll take notice of me but things change and what I have for him turned into in difference. I don’t know if he was true all along. He was always the one who’ll get mad at my emotional group messages about friends but I don’t know if he really meant it that way. For me, he is, all along, a fake. Next were Heidi and Marvie. They were the people that I loved the most in our group before. They are the ones that I trusted with all that I am including Lester, because he somewhat resembles my deceased brother. In this situation, I am mostly hurt by what these three did. I don’t care what Joy, Jonathan and the rest do to me as long as Heidi, Marvie and Lester are always by my side, as long as they are, in any ways, true to me.

Now, as I write this blog, I know I am not okay yet. I am still hurting. I am still regretting my actions and I am still hoping that things would just be alright. But I have to win this battle by myself. I have to do it so I can face myself again. Overcoming this trial might be hard because I’ve been dealing these problems most of my life, but I can, in any way, can do this. And I still have God beside me, my family to always love me no matter what, and my remaining true friends to back me up when things don’t work as I planned.
I’ll be strong. I can do this.

One More Time

each day is so slow and so hard
because no matter how hard i try to reveal my heart
you can’t see it

i’m just resent the time that’s gone by
no matter how much time changes, i’m always sad

one more time
even though it hurt, i should have loved a little more
i’ll laugh for only you, i’ll cry for only you

one more time
like the hot sun of the sky
i’ll love all of you forever, only you

one more time

i miss the image of the warmhearted you standing beneath the umbrella
though i wipe these tears again, i’m always sad

one more time
even though it hurt, i should have loved a little more
i’ll laugh for only you, i’ll cry for only you

one more time
like the stars that shine brightly in the night sky
i’ll love all of you forever, only you

one more time

i promise that a tomorrow that we both share will find us
i promise that a happiness that we both share will find us
i’ll always be by your side

one more time
even though it hurt, i should have loved a little more
i’ll laugh for only you, i’ll cry for only you

one more time
like the hot sun of the sky
i’ll love all of you forever, only you

one more time
oh my love for you
oh one more time
oh my love for you
one more time

Forever and Always..

There’s this girl trio that I spotted way back 2 and a half years ago when I shifted course from Accountancy to Marketing. The trio was stunning. Fair- skinned, beautiful, not to mention, head-turners. Everyone’s attention was drawn to them and I was one of those audiences who were bemused by the trio. Apart from their almost perfect features was an attitude that I never thought would have caught my respect as per my respect and trust is hard to earn at that time. Everything was new. Everything scared me. And these three made it heaven for me.

The first one I met was Lorraine. I easily got close to her because we cater the same transportation towards home. We’re, coincidentally, both, Pasiguenos. I think she is sweet but aggressive when provoked. I like her personality for when I hear her reason out, I can always see the point. Next of them was Clarisse, a very brave girl from my perception. She’s always talking about how things should be in a proper way. I love her attitude ‘cause somehow, she is a reality check. And so it was this that led me to meet and be close to the woman I am going to talk about here.
The last one was Diana. This girl has gotten my attention the first time I saw them. If I really was a guy, I would court this girl and never part from her. She is such a beauty, a goddess in her own way. Apart from being pretty, she’s also a brain. Not all of our friends (?) know that. When you would be given a chance to converse with her, you’ll get amazed at the amount of topics you can talk with her, not to mention her speedy way of conversing (kidding). She’s strong and aggressive also when provoked. What I really like about her is her modesty. Being smart and brainy can give you a lot to be proud of. But this girl, she’s so humble.

Well, going back to her birthday two years ago, I hardly can remember who the attendees were. I can’t remember what we really did at the mall or what I contributed to her birthday. But one thing is for sure, I promised myself to be friends with this girl until God knows when. I said, I think I’m gonna love this girl. I’ll protect her. Maybe she’ll need me in her life. I’ll do anything for her that’s in my power to make her happy, protect her, comfort her, and love her. She’s like a sister to me. (I’m sure you’ll think it’s exaggerated but it’s true, I really love you these much..)

Months passed, everybody sure needs to move on. She moved on with her life, as well as her friends, I did too, but quietly I was still giving an eye on her, on when she would be needing me again. Or when would be the chance to have a talk with her again.
Sure there were happiness in her life that I wasn’t able to notice. There are pains that I am not aware that happened to her. I felt that I failed to protect her ‘cause things also intercepted to break me.

Now I am happy those things happened to the both of us because we are where we are now. My friendship with her is working again. And I’m happy that we are in this terms right now because it’s our last year in college. And also, I badly need a friend right now after what happened to me recently (you know that).


Hi diane,

I can’t think of gifts to give you. I don’t know what to give you either. So I think a letter would be much appropriate and sincere to be done at this time. Sorry if it’s in English. I hardly can’t conceptualize when it’s written in tagalong but I hope the grammars are fine.

You know, I just want to thank you for everything. For always making me feel that you’re just behind me, that you are there always, ready to be my friend and shoulder to cry on. Recently, what happened to me was really devastating for me. I held on to them, just like how I held on to you. But apart from that, I am grateful that you were there, that you helped me go through this. And I love you for that.

You are always in my thoughts (about friends). You know, I really wanted to have a sister because I only have one. And thinking that it would be just the two of us (my sister and I) in just a matter of time is also saddening. But I wanted to thank God for giving a sister like you to me. I just hope that I can fulfil all those promises that I made 2 years ago, on your birthday.

Any, what am I blabbering about here?:)) I just want to wish you a happy birthday and happy 2 years for us (anniversary? haha). You know that I super love you and that whatever happens in the near future, even if we would experience the same as what I have experienced recently, I promise you, I’ll stand beside you. I’ll always be near you even if you don’t want, need or love me anymore. You can ask me for anything (money, things, questions, etc) and I’ll be gladly giving them to you. You are the only one, aside from my sibling that I am giving the permission to ruin me because I love you so damn much. (i’m crying as I write this.)

Diane, I’ll always be here no matter what. No matter how tough the situations might get, I’ll stay right here. I never doubted you. And I promise, I’ll never doubt you. Please tell me when I tend to spoil you at certain times but please bear with me because that is my love language. I trust you very much because I love you also that much. I hope that you’ll always stay beside me.

I wanted our friendship to last forever until God knows when. I want to witness everything that will happen in your life. The happiness that would make you cry your joyful tears. I wanted to be there to support you in all the trials and hardships that you will encounter as we sail along the corporate world and to the real life. I want to meet that person that would capture your heart forever and wouldn’t let you go(because I’ll kill him if he does. Why haven’t I done that to paeng? Haha.. kidding!). I want to be in your wedding day and be the happiest woman there apart from your family because I was there to witness your life. I want to meet your children and also be part of their lives (I’ll be ninang, promise me.) I think this is already scaring you, but God, I just want to be part of your life forever.
I just pray that you’ll always be strong in whatever hindrance and obstacles that might come your way. Always pray, thank the Lord for everything, mourn to God whatever kind of pain you have in your heart and always put Him first as your priority.

I’ll always pray for you. I’ll be here. I’ll love you till the end. Zheng su sheng ri kuai le.:) Happy Birthday Diane! Wo Ai de peng you.:)

Love,
Kat

He is in my dreams every night..

Every night I'm dreaming of him.. That's why i'm afraid to sleep at night.. Where everyone is also asleep.. Iwant to sleep when everyone is aware that I am sleeping.. That I am having this dream for so many nights now.. Ever since I have admitted that I do have feelings for Him, I've been dreaming things about him. Some were embarrasing because never in my wildest thoughts would I ever comprehend those kinds of things to occur between us.

But my most favorite dream is that we had been bestfriends. Eventhough it became embarassing at the end, still, the thought of having him as my bestfriend is such an interesting memory for me. We can't be friends anymore. We can't be lovers either so I am so happy that even in dreams, the thought of having him beside me came true/

I just wish that I will have this dream every night so i'll look forward to sleeping. I wanted him beside me in whatever relationship we may have, friends, bestfriends, siblings.. Just the thought of him beside me calms me.

But now it's different. He can no longer be near me. I forbid 'cause I don't want to be hurt again..

I hope in our next life, i'll get what my heart wants..

Should I forget all about it?

I wonder if I should just forget about what happened. After all, they are the ones who made the first approach to make things better and clear between us. But I was really hurt. And I’m scared that if I let them in again in my life, I would shatter into pieces because they would do the same thing to me again. Another thing, I’m scared that in return, I would be the one who would hurt them, which I don’t want to happen. I don’t want people to loathe me.
In as much as I wanted to let them in again in my life, the fact that my full trust in them has deteriorated makes it impossible to be friends with them again. Doubt has conquered the whole of me and the unconditional love that I have for them before has turned to plain acquaintance.
I realized, I tend to give more and forget myself when I love to the point that I let them use me just to please and give them the happiness they seek. I gave them my trust, and in accordance to that, I give them my love. I tend to pamper people that are very close to me. I care for them, I look after them as if I am a big sister. I spoil them rotten. But after I am hurt, I tend to run away, hide and wallow in self pity asking myself if what happened was my fault. I run away, never comeback, block all the happy thoughts about them as if nothing happy has occurred during the times that I was with them.
The fact that they were able to hurt me after giving them the warning that I am a very fragile person justifies that they aren’t really my friends after all. I tend to warn people about my being emotional about things. And after what they did, I was so devastated that these people really exist.
Now I really wonder if I should really just forget about this whole thing. I want to forget. I guess I’ll be blocking all sorts of thoughts about them from now on so I can move on with my life and be happy with the remaining people who are really true to me and really loves me for who I am despite my attitudes, despite my craziness, despite all sorts of evilness in me. I’m just lucky to have few friends but you can call REAL.

Sulat para sa mga inakala kong kaibigan..

Sabi ko na nga ba mangyayari ‘to.. Sinabi ko na nga ba, dadating sa puntong susuko din ako. Mula pa sa una, alam kong salingpusa lang ako. Panabla, pamparami ika nga. Mula pa nung una, inasahan ko na, na hindi din nila ako kayang tanggapin, matanggap man, may bahid ng kung ano ang pakikipaglapit na ginagawa.
Kahit paano, masasabi kong naging masaya din akong kasama kayo. Kahit paano, napaligaya nyo ako sa tuwing makakasama ko kayo. Naging totoo ako sa lahat ng sinabi at ginawa ko sa pagkakaibigan na ‘to. Iniwasan kong makipag-away sa kahit na sino sa inyo kahit na naaasar din ako paminsan minsan at hindi ko gusto ang mga trip nyong gawin. Pero sumasakay nalang ako, ika nga, pakikisama. Hindi ko kailangan gawin ang mga bagay na ginagawa nyo na hindi ko gusto basta makasama ko lang kayo, dahil akala ko, mahal nyo na din ako. Dahil akala ko, totoo na ‘to. Dahil akala ko, matindi ‘to. Nakakatawa, totoo nga palang nakakamatay ang maling akala.
Hindi ko alam kung kelan nagsimula, ayokong iclaim, pero ramdam ko ang kompetisyon. Effort na effort sya sa lahat ata ng bagay na gawin ko. Hindi ko alam kung kelan nagsimula, pero ramdam ko ang inggit sa pagkatao nya. Wala akong ginagawa. Wala akong sinasabi. Kung tingin nyo meron, patingin ng proweba.
Masama bang mabuhay ng ayon sa nakagawian ko? Eto ako. Malamang hindi mo nalang din inalam kung bakit ako ganito at katulad ng mga nauna, nagassume nalang kayo ng mga bagay na akala nyong pagkatao ko. Nakakalungkot dahil ipinakita ko sa’yo ang totoong ako. Inasahan ko na sa pagkakataong ‘to, ikaw lang ang dadamay sa akin. Saktan na nila ako, wag lang ikaw, dahil wala silang alam at ikaw pinagkatiwalaan ko. Dahil akala ko magkapatid tayo. Dahil akala ko magkaibigan tayo. Naniwala ako na mahahanap mo sa puso mo ang malaking tiwalang binigay ko. Nakakamatay nga talaga ang maling akala.
Now when I look back, ako nga lang ata ang nag-isip na magkaibigan tayo, na magkapatid tayo, na matindi at kakaiba ang pagkakaibigan na ito. Ngayon, itigil na natin ‘to. Ayokong manakit, ayokong masaktan. Ayoko ng gulo. Isipin nalang natin na parang walang nangyari. Na parang hindi nagkrus ang mga landas natin. Na hindi tayo nagkakilal
Hindi ko alam kung anong mga pinag-usapan ng mga tao sa likod ko. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako ginagago ng mga taong inakala kong totoo. Hindi ko alam kung ano pa ang mga gagawin nila. Hindi ko kayo totoong kilala, wala din kayong alam sa akin.
Ituturing ko nalang itong isang panaginip, na hindi nagkatotoo, katulad ng prediction ko. Sana masaya na kayo,wala na ko, you’re free to talk behind my back. You’re free to say whatever you want about me. Pwedeng pwede nyo na kong pagtawanan hanggat gusto nyo. Basta wag na wag na kayong lalapit sa akin kung hindi naman importante, pakiusap lang. Ayoko ng plastikan,please lang.
Eto lang, pinahalagahan ko kayo. Minahal ko kayo at hanggang ngayon minamahal pa din. Sobrang sakit ng nagawa nyo sa akin, masahol pa sa mga naunang tumalikod sa akin. At least sa kanila, may kasalanan din ako, sa inyo, kasalanan bang maging totoo? Wag mong sabihing binibiro nyo lang ako, dahil kalokohan yung ginawa nyo, lalo na ikaw na nakakaalam ng dahilan kung bakit ko ginagawa yun. Sa nangyaring ‘to, pinakanasaktan ako sa ginawa mo.
Ingat nalang kayo palagi. Ipagdadasal ko pa din kayo. Salamat na lang din sa lahat. Sana kapag nagkrus ang landas natin, wala ng masaktan.:)
Paalam.

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