I will always love you.

I was going to send this in your email but it seemed that you deleted it at nakablock din ako sa fb and I don't even know if you will receive this, but nevertheless, I'm gonna text it to all your numbers saved in my phone and I doesn't matter if you bothered to read it or it pissed you off. I'm just gonna go ahead and say it.



How did we end up here? I'm still shocked, how fast it happened. One moment you want me and then the next moment, you want to fuck bitches. I miss you and I still love you but I don't want us back. All we did was hurt each other. We were never ready for each other. Yet we continuosly tried to make it work but it will never work because we are two different people that can't compromise and can't meet halfway. Like I always say whenever we try to part ways (and I guess this will be the last), I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to remember you as the selfish jerk that got me to act crazy (because I am already 50 shades of crazy). I want to remember you as my toughest lesson of 2016 and a big part of my redefining moment. I will not delete any of our last conversation that did not last for a month (Haha!). Even you number. Our chats and emails. This will serve as a reminder to me that time is fleeting and no matter how serious you are about a person, it will eventually end. We might have ended, but the lessons of this year will always burn in my heart. We will move on. Good luck on your bar. I hope we both make it. And when we see each other again, please, will you smile at me? Forgive me for wasting our time.

Because I knew you, I have been changed for good..

You don't realize it do you? You are selfish. Akala mo lang mabait ka sa ginagawa mong pagtahimik but all that does to me is build up all the hatred and hurt. My heart has been pushed to brim. Nasagad na respeto, pasensya at pagmamahal mo sakin pero di mo naisip na sa tagal mo na ko sinasaktan, bumabalik pa rin ako. Tama ka, dapat una pa lang ginawa mo na 'to para hindi na tayo umabot sa puntong to. Hindi mo narirealize yung mali mo kc palagi kong inaako ang kasalanan kung bakit tayo nagaaway. I hope you'll realize that you are selfish, you only think of yourself and what will benefit you. One way sex and staying silent,  do not mean selfless ka. Selfish ka because you don't want others to penetrate your thoughts and heart. Your respect, I have never felt it. There are other things to do in a relationship other than sex. You have redetermined the meaning of 'i miss you'. Telling me you miss me means you want to fuck me. Pag nakuha mo na, you are good for a long period until that itch comes back  and you'll miss me again. And I will just always be there because I'm just waiting for you to look at me, REALLY LOOK AT ME. When I tell you I miss you, nothing there involves sex. I longed for your heart. I longed for your soul. I have been wondering when will you let my soul out. When will you allow my mind to speak. When will you want to see me, get to know me, see the real me. When will I see you, the real you. So this is you? It's still scary but I still want you. I still want to peel all your layers and get to your core and still love you even in the process of hurting and losing a grip of myself. I love you. I have never imagined I could be selfless and be capable of this immense love for another person other than myself. You have been finding all your exes' faults in me but you can't yet you managed to find a greater fault that will end us.  Have I ever made you feel that you are never enough? Have I ever compared you with anyone? Have I ever made you feel insecure? I am consistent with my personality from the start. I am emotional. And I express how I really feel with words in an attempt to make you understand how I felt at times you hurt me. But you can't understand because you refuse to. In all our fights, were you able to think if you had caused the fight. Why am I so emotional? What triggered our fights? What caused me to tick? You weren't able, weren't you? You are self absorbed. You preferred the comfort of all the things you believe and standards you set for yourself to determine how they will treat you. If it's not in your checklist, it's unacceptable.

You are right. We don't need each other in our lives. I have to learn the extent of my capability to love and give in a hard way but I hope someday, you will realize that your selfisness, stubborness,  lack of empathy and fear of the light caused ALL your relationships to go down the drain. I will miss you. Because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

P.S. Seriously, keep the bar materials for now and send them back after the bar. If I wiĺl trust anyone to use its full potential, it's you. Please, grant me this one last request.

You're still the one..

I have a confession to make. Ever since I have heard Shania Twain's "You're still the one", I've longed for that kind of love. Since then, even unconsciously, I have been picky with the people I chose to spend time and invest my time and emotions with. Often times, I get heartbroken because I invest too much and I misunderstand.


As time passed by, I have learned to choose more wisely and to associate without much attachment. But when I met Ian, everything I know, everything I have learned from the past was lost and I am back to that little girl that hopes for a love described in "You're still the one".


I hope he is the one. I cannot imagine myself being in love with someone else with this kind of intimacy and intensity. I long to say, "After all this time, you're still the one I love". Regardless of the fights and heartaches and obstacles we face, I pray that we still choose to be with each other and still choose to fall in love with each other everyday.

I forgive you..

"I forgive you. you never apologized for everything that you ever put me through and you probably didn’t even notice any of it because people usually don’t notice things they dont care about, and thats what I was to you. I was just another person that existed, I was just another person that made you feel like you were worth something.
All you ever did was make me feel incomplete. I’d look at myself for hours until I could no longer recognize anything in trying to figure out why you don’t love me in the way I put love into you.
I always knew what I was to you but I tried to ignore it for so long, I convinced myself otherwise because when you know that the person that you love, does not even give a damn about you something inside you shuts off and I couldn’t deal with that and I didn’t want to accept that so I kept trying to see something that was never there.
I think thats what destroyed me in the end, knowing the reality of what we were but 7trying to look past that and find something that wasn’t there. I forgive you for all of it. I forgive you for the nights I stayed up crying because you chose her. I forgive you for leaving and then coming back just so you could leave all over again. I forgive you for the things that you said when you and i both knew you didn’t mean them. and I forgive you for using me to try and fill the hole that she left in you.
and now I forgive myself.
I forgive myself for everything that I put myself through. I forgive myself for letting myself believe that you really were the greatest part of me. I forgive myself for loving you when you weren’t worth a damn thought.
because after stepping away, I see it all so clearly now. After I accepted what I really was to you, everything else made more sense.
I destroyed myself in loving you and for that I am so sorry but when I say I forgive you, I mean I forgive myself, I forgive giving so much of myself to someone that didn’t care how my day was going. I forgive myself for all the hurt I endured."
—I have to let go, and to do that I need to forgive. (via fadedheartbreq)

Before I go..

I miss you.

When can I see you again?

I know what you'll be going through that's why I understand you even if you don't say it.

I can't be of any help to you, even the materials, you already have them. But tell me what you want and need. You already know how and when to execute your plan. You have been preparing for this so understanding you is all I can do. And I may not be in the country in 2017 (except the oath taking and signing of the roll).

My only request is that I be allowed to see you before you go full-on MIA. I need to take back something from you. I won't disturb you and I will give you back your time and space. I'll leave you be. If not before the year ends, I will understand. Goodluck! I love you.

I'm always gonna be soft for you..

That's the problem. I'm always going to be soft for you. I'm always going to want you in my life. Regardless of whether or not I become a lawyer. Or that my family opposes to our relationship if they found out about it. Or where life takes me. I'm always going to want you there in my life. Watching me. Guiding me. Caring for me. Loving me.

And it sucks that I'm scared of wanting you and relying on you because I don't like depending on anyone and adjusting for anyone. I'm scared that you're going to leave me. I fear the day that you don't want me in your life and that you no longer have the patience to try to understand me. I'm scared of losing you. I'm scared that if I don't make it, you're going to leave me. What should I do? I love you. Even when we fight, I still want you. 😔

Sorry.

I have to let you go..

Hon. I always misunderstand. And the other night was the clearest you can get, of the confirmation I was asking for, months ago. I think we should really be apart. I want you to meet the real me, apart from my bar year and decide if I am really your queen or if I can be your queen. I also want to feel more like myself before I reviewed for the bar and decide if I want us in my life because us is all I can think about now and see in the future. And your confirmation just broke me. So let's finish what we set out before we met. I am too emotional. You can't take it. We're both stressed so we should be apart.

It has taken a lot of me to finally let you go. Regardless of how we feel, I have to consider that 2016 isn't really our year and I have to stop forcing it. Focus on what we set out to do before we met each other. I can't do it if I am constantly hurting.

We remain friends. No more expectations on my side. I love you. 😊