I was not fat per se. I was always overweight. I think I started being overweight when I was in Grade 4 of elementary school. But of course, I was always categorized as fat because when I look back, my classmates were malnourished back then and they just started to get fat when they were in college and then working.
I remembered, when I entered law school in 2011, I was not that fat yet. I was still overweight because I am 5'2" and I weigh 155-160 lbs. at that time.
After that, year by year, my weight increased due to stress eating, emotional eating, lack of exercise, lack of physical and emotional attachment and care to the people and the world around me. I just noticed one day that I got sick. I do not have a balance. I have very poor eyesight, hearing and speech. My sickness was not diagnosed but I remember taking herbal medication for that to feel better but my condition was not getting any better.
I graduated in 2016 and immediately reviewed and took the bar but I flunked 3 times after that. I also got into a relationship where she pretty much did not want to see me. She even said, and I have not told this to anyone. Even my new partner now doesn't want to see my body, only my face. I took then as her just protecting and respecting me but now I just think that she does not want to look at me. We broke up in 2018 but the last time we saw each other was in 2017. This relationship was so toxic that it took a toll on my overall state, especially my mental state. My confidence was broken. My ego was broken. My faith in anything was broken. All my relationships are broken.
In 2018, I decided to change my lifestyle. I decided I wanted something to change for myself. My body did change but my mental state was the same. I lost weight because I was listening so much to the voices around me and of course, my exes influence was still in my head. I changed because of her, in the hopes of eventually having her again. But she did not come back. She'll text or call me intermittently but we are not back together.
In 2019, I got into a relationship with my current partner, Alex. I am in a lesbian relationship, by the way, if you have not figured out that yet. I got my confidence and ego back. I have already had my personality in place. I have regained my sense of self back even before I got into a relationship. I did know who I was alone. But that has just solidified when I got together with Alex. She just nurtures, loves and cares for me.
But as we go deeper into the relationship, we got fatter and fatter together. And I could not balance and walk alone anymore because of this weight gain. I have been noticing that I had nystagmus again where my eyeballs twitch uncontrollably. I have a hard time breathing when climbing stairs and my lower back and feet hurt when I walk for even just 1 km.
I really need to get back in shape again. Especially now that I wanted to live longer and stay with Alex for the rest of my life.
As of writing this, I was wondering if I still have feelings for my ex. I got a call from Alex and we talked about this. I guess my problem is that she does not believe or trust yet that I will not trade a very healthy relationship that we have right now over a toxic one. I may have loved my ex but I do not want to undergo all those again and I just do not want to be with the kind of person that she is. It is good for her if she has changed but that is not for me anymore. I am happy with Alex right now. I am very grateful that I get to be loved by her. I get to love her. And I get to be with her, hopefully for the rest of our lives.
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