The Hardest Thing..

I had gone through so many struggles in my life, akala ko, law school na yung pinakamahirap na hinurdle ko sa buong buhay ko, until bar review. When we graduated, I thought the Bar was the hardest thing I have ever have to hurdle in my entire life tapos lahat na ng struggles, lahat na ng problema kaya ko lagpasan kasi napatunayan ko na sa sarili ko na kayo kong maging abogado, kaya ko ano man yung gusto ko mangyari sa buhay ko. Pero hindi pala. Reviewing for the Bar while getting over you was the hardest thing I ever have to do. Getting over someone I thought was my future. Someone who had my best interests at heart. Someone who finally understand me. This is, by far, the hardest thing I ever have to do. Ang hirap! Sobrang hirap! Yung hindi ako pwedeng makaIimot ng kahit isa sa mga naaccumulate kong knowledge these past months but at the same time I have to forget about you. Everything connected about you. Everything I dreamed and planned about you. The future I wanted with you.

Sorry Ian, I just miss you so much. Kelangan ko 'to ilabas. Hindi pwede sa iba. Ayokong masira ka sa kanila. Di ko naman hawak mga isip nila kung anong magiging interpretation nila sa sasabihin ko kaya sayo ko nalang sinasabi. Sorry, di ko kasi kayang sarilinin eh. I am still in the process. Alam kong possible eh. Nakita ko sayo. Nahirapan ka makaget-over kay Val pero naging possible.

Thank you because I know you are still there for me. I know you are a trusted friend and I can't wait to be casually talking to you. I can't wait to remember you and not be hurt by the mere thought of you. Hanggang ngayon kasi masakit pa rin, kahit minsan nalang tayo magkatext at bar-related lang, masakit pa rin sakin na ganito na tayo ngayon, though I understand that you can't be with me.

How did we end up here? I shouldn't have pushed for more when you asked me to watch that movie. I shouldn't have spent the Holy Week with you. We should've stayed friends because I haven't met anyone better than you at everything. Even when I'm in pain, even when you were the cause, you are still the remedy I seek.

Frankly, I don't know how to get over a heartbreak such as this. But someday I will. Today and from the last day I saw you I still miss you. I cannot imagine being in love with anyone like I did with you. But I will try again, someday.

And now, back to the Bar. :)

Novembar Blues 1

This weekend reminded me again why I don't want to have a husband and kids.

It all started as me just being annoyed of the Family drama on my father's side. Also because I love my family so much that I am somewhat ashamed that we will get the reputation of my relatives.

Ever since we were kids, they're (Papa's siblings) are already in a cold war until it broke down to so many family feuds. Like Tita Lea would be fighting with Kuya Do or Kuya Do and Tita Lou or Tita Lea and Tita Josie. And the root of this is money and greed. I don't know how they manage to fight with their siblings and overlook their family ties just because of greed. I cannot imagine fighting with Grace about something so trivial as that. I cannot imagine fighting with anyone about something so trivial. I cannot even imagine fighting with my sister. Our fights are normal sibling quarrels that patch up after minutes or hours or with us, just by changing the topic and not talk about it anymore, after that we're okay.

I want to be a bride. Maybe I also want my own family. It comes out of the conversation with my parents. Maybe I haven't really accepted the fact that I am for a married life.

Earlier this year, I got involved with a same-sex relationship. Maybe, a part of me decided that I wanted something like that is because I don't want others to get involved with our family drama. I don't want to burden my kids with the stress of having to deal with the drama of being in this family. I act that I do not care but I deeply care, I am so emotional and I am so sensitive. Like right now, i am crying about I don't know what.

I loved Ian. I did. But maybe he's right all along that I do not know what I want. And meeting him was so that I can sort my shit through.

I don't know, maybe it is because of the Bar that I haven't gotten my shit straight. I always known what I want and how to get it and to not give a fuck, even on situations that calls for me to care.

I can't wait for this month to end so I can finally sort through my shit and map out my future plans again.

Lord, please help me. Give me everything that I need to survive and pass the Bar Exams and to be deserving of the blessings that you are giving me. I believe You have a wonderful plan for me. Amen.

This Is My ‘Thank You’ To You, And This Is My Goodbye

The most painful goodbyes are the ones that were never said or left unexplained.

I want this to be my goodbye—the sun had already set for us and the morning star can’t light our way out of the dark night. The senseless crashing of the waves against the shore echoes the rage deep within me but I have nothing left to fight about and the horizon is draped in red and orange and yellow, a tapestry of a perfect illusion, something that we can’t replicate anymore.

We have carelessly thrown the words out and left each other beaten and hurt beyond repair; destroyed each other beyond recognition.

I understand we are still in the process of growing up, fixing ourselves with the broken pieces that our previous affairs left us with. But growing up means we are going to lose people whom we thought will stay, people whom we thought will accept the series of good and bad in us, people whom we thought will catch us when we fall. And no books or TV series or Antoinette Jadaone movies can prepare us for those crashing moments.

I know growing up is also giving ourselves the chances we deserve. But a part of me knew that the moment we started giving chances are the same chances that crashed the foundations we’ve built and we’ve found each other in this kaleidoscope of loud, worn out heartbeats that no longer sync.

Our happy memories, no matter how colorful and taunting, can no longer help advance our relationship forward.

I guess, partly, I am to be blamed because I thirsted and hungered for more when I knew I shouldn’t. But perhaps, you are to be blamed as well because you never opened up and accepted me for my flaws when that’s all I ever wanted to begin with. The nuances that we have drew a fault line that shook violently and left us crumbling down.

Perhaps there is a reason why we were drawn together for a brief period of time and we are destined to fall out eventually. With you, I learned how to be strong and how to face the world alone. I’ve experienced feelings that were once alien to me, feelings that I needed to process and understand and define. With you, I saw the world from a different perspective.

You taught me how to find the person that I am today; the version that I never thought would be me.

I wish I could know what you learned from me. But you have a different way of dealing with things. I wish I could know how I’ve impacted you but I dare not ask. I believe that there are things that are better left unsaid.

In this moment, there is no Begin Again or If Ever You’re In My Arms Again. There’s just Last Kissand All Too Well. We can no longer save the sinking ship, we can no longer stop the growing wild fire, and we cannot force the storm to weather. We have grown tired and we are afraid of giving it another try because we know we can’t say hello without risking another goodbye.

So let this be it, my farewell to the past we shared.My goodbye to you. I guess this is where we end. No more road-blocks. No more anxiety. Let’s give each other a breather. Let’s give each other a break. 

Thank you. I love you.

"Habang ikaw ay naririto sa dibdib, ipaglalaban ko'ng ating pag-ibig. Sa lahat ng paghihirap at pasakit, ako'y handang magtiis. Hangga't di kita lubusang maintindihan, aaminin ko ang aking pagkukulang."

Ito yung kinakanta ko kapag wala na maintindihan sa mga inaaral ko sa Law School before, lalo na sa Civ Pro.

The study of Law is much like being in a relationship. Napakadaming hugot sa batas na pwedeng irelate sa relasyon. Ang dami ko ng nabasang pwedeng irelate sa mga pinagdadaanan ng mga kaibigan ko or pinagdadaanan ko.

Anyway, kanta ko din yan sa mga taong mahal ko. Lalo na kapag di ko na sila maintindihan. Kapag mahirap nanaman sila mahalin at ang sarap i-high five ng monoblock sa muha. :D

Iintindihin kita kasi mahal kita. Kakayanin ko kasi mahal kita. Hindi tayo pero hindi naman ibig sabihin nun hindi kita pwedeng mahalin. I guess I will always be a little bit in love with you. Lalo na I had many firsts with you. Pero hanggang dun nalang yun. Hanggang dito nalang tayo. We part ways here.

Gusto ko na kasi maging masaya. Humihingi lang ako ng closure sayo because I want peace. I know now that you will never give me that. You will let me live wit the guilt that I ruined us. But hon, sana narealize mo na yung mga mali mo, starting with Val and your exes thereafter, and me. I know okay ka lang na mag-isa, pero wag mo ijustify sa sarili mo na kami ang palaging mali kaya ka naiiwan. Realize that you are the problem. I don't know about them, but you are my problem.

Tinanong mo 'ko dati kung bakit di pa ko lumayo. I guess I was waiting for you to realize na mas mahirap intindihin yung ugali mo and that you love me to much to change for me. Kaso hindi eh.

Pero okay na. I will always miss you. Maybe I will still send you a message from time to time. Maybe I will still call you. But I will try not to. Please don't change your number anymore.

When I look back at the year that I took the bar, I will think of you and how happy you made me and made me realize tht I am capable of the things I thought I can't do and it was because I loved you and I have been loved you.

Thank you. I love you.

Please help me.

Lord, is this a phase? Do I really need to get through this? When I think of my future and I look at the year that I took the bar, it's really a gruesome year for my body and my heart. Why did I have to meet Ian this year? Why did I have to fall in love with him? Why did I have to go through this? Why did it have interfere with my review?

Lord, i am not questioning Your wisdom. I know you have a reason for everything. Please enlighten my mind and my heart so I can understand why these things happened to me. Please help me.

Lapses

Huli na 'to..

Matatapos din lahat ng 'to. Makakabangon din ako. Makakalimutan din kita. Ngayon nasasaktan ako, nahihirapan at madami pang halo halong emosyon. Siguro ikaw din. Napakahirap sakin na parang tayo pero hindi tayo. Hindi ko yun kaya Ian. Nasa high school ba tayo para maghintayan? Ang alam ko matagal na natin naabot yung tamang edad. Black and white lang ako. Sinubùkan ko sa grey area. Napakadaming bagay ang hindi ko naintindihan. At di ķo yun pwede isabay sa bar. Ikaw din, napakadami mong iniisip, di mo pwede isabay sa bar. Ayoko ng wala akong naiintindihan. Ayoko ng wala akong kontrol. Ayoko ng pakiramdam na nakadepende ako sa desisyon ng iba. Kung may choice lang ako ngayon, ako na susuporta sa sarili ko. Narealize ko, kahit gaano pa kita kamahal, di ko kaya maghintay lang sa kung kailan mo ko kakailanganin, kakausapin at papansinin. Hindi ko kaya na wala ako sa priority list mo habang ikaw kinoconsider kita sa lahat ng pangarap ko. Hindi ko na rin gusto marinig at intindihin yung mga pinagdadaanan mo habang ikaw ang dali lang sayo baliwalain yung emosyon at mga pinagdadaanan ko. Hindi ako selfish, alam mo yan. Sanay tayo ng wala tayong kasama kaya panahon na para totoong maghiwalay tayo. Huli na 'to. Ayoko na. Di ako galit. Ayoko na may maramdaman.

To quote something from the blog post you sent me before, "She knows when to stop, when to let go and when to start, when to drop the cowardice and when to fight for love…" I know now that I have to stop waìting for you, I have to let go and start living a life without you. I don't have to be scared to live a new life without you because now, I am done fighting for your love.