PAUBAYA MV BY MOIRA DELA TORRE

 PAUBAYA n. waiver or release of a right, claim or responsibility to another

This story is very touching. I cried for most of it. But this song was released months ago but I had no thoughts about it since I am in a happy and loving relationship for 2 years now.

The thing that really bothers me is the fact that in this story, the girl said to the guy's proposal and yet she isn't sure of him and ends up living him at the altar and not marrying him. She could have said no from the proposal.

Thinking about it though, maybe, it was a long engagement. And she was willing to marry her then but years have passed before the wedding and a lot has happened between them that made her unsure of the guy.

Whatever the story behind, I'm proud of Joshua Garcia and Julia Barretto for playing these roles. As we all know, they to are broken up and very sudden at that. 

WEAR YOUR MASK!

Honestly, I don't agree. I'm not okay with opening most of the businesses in the Philippines. But what can we do, we can't afford to close down everything. In a perfect world, where the Philippines has a great health care system and immediate Covid-19 response, I am all for locking down everything. 

For now, we can all just pray and be extra careful and safe when going out.

ALWAYS WASH YOUR HANDS

TAKE A BATH.

WEAR YOUR MASK!

What is happening?

What is happening?

I was not able to follow through with the 4 am morning routine. Neither was the 6 am. My body seems to function at 8 am.

That was written on Aug. 9, 2019.

I'm not sure what was happening back then. But that went on until the end of 2020.

As you can see, I never blogged for the entire year of 2020. Not even through the boredom that I went through with the pandemic. I did not know that was even possible for me. I never get bored.

My father used to tell us that we should learn to be happy alone and entertain yourself. Learn not to rely on others for pleasure or favors.

So imagine my disappointment when I looked into it this year and my last entry was August of 2019.

In life, we really do not know

The year is 2021. 

Everyone is claiming that this is their year. But we are already 11 months in from the lockdown. How can we make most out of this year? Remember when we all said that to 2020 and the pandemic happened?

The health sector, the Government too told us that these are uncertain times.

I admire the Covid-19 response of other countries but I mourn for the Philippines. We are sinking deeper into the grave that the colonialist, the capitalist, including the past generations of them and the past and current government administration dug,

  

THESE ARE UNCERTAIN TIMES.

Is it not that way for many years though? Nothing is really certain. No single thing is set in stone. Contracts are amended. Minds change, so are goals. Nothing goes according to plan.

I was in a conversation with my sister earlier, she was asking me if our cousin shifted her course from Tourism to IT. I told her I didn't know but maybe she studied IT since Digital Marketing is the most in-demand industry right now and for the years to come. Who would have thought that I would be using what I studied in college now? In life, we really do not know.

I graduated with a degree in Business Administration, Major in Marketing. I have learned that Digital Marketing cannot be offered as a Business course since, by the time the students are graduating, their learning is no longer applicable to always changing market.

I also have a degree in Law which I have only used for 3-4 years after studying for it for 5 years. I did not know back then that I would not be able to practice Law. Physically and emotionally, I cannot.

I realized that I wasted my time. If only I heard it the first time that Law School was not for me, I would have saved myself from countless sleepless nights and heartbreaks from exams and subjects I failed and for taking and failing the Bar for three consecutive times.

If I just went according to my plan, college-MBA-Law, I would have ample time to hone my craft and be a digital marketer in 2011, instead of 2021.

In life, we really do not know.

Day 8 of Journalling

Today, I noticed that it is Monday and I purposely did not get up at 5 am, when I set my alarm last night. I purposely forget about my why. Why do I need to get up at 5 am? Is it because I am copying Amy Landino? It is because I wanted to seem that I have my life together?

I do. I want to seem that I have my life together that is why I copy Amy Landino because she is such a major inspiration for me right now. That is why I try to wake up at 5 am.

But what is really my why? Why do I wake up at 5 am? Why do I have to wake up at 5 am?

I think this is not about waking up early. This is about making my time useful. My body clock wakes me at 6am if I slept at 10pm or if I sleep at 12am, my body wakes me at 8 am. But right now, I wake Alex up so I get up at 6am.

Maybe, I need to get up too when she gets up and takes a bath. Since I cannot seem to manage to do anything now, other than scroll through social media if I have not taken a bath.

I have been meaning to launch my website soon but I have not been able to because I do not have enough content yet. I have also been meaning to write a novel or a book. I think when I heard Gretchen Rubin, she inspired automatically. Actually, it was Mel Robbins that got me to write again but it was Gretchen Rubin that affirmed it. I wanted to go into self-help but not a lot of Filipino Youtubers are into self-help or most Youtubers that I follow about self-help are foreign?

I've encountered this job at onlinejobs.oh. It is a good thing they are prepared to pay for the trial period. I have been looking for a paying writing job ever since I have decided to do writing as a full-time job while I think pursuing my passion for writing. I still need to learn so much about content creation, writing, and SEO. Soon, I will be able to launch my website and my podcast.

Day 7 of Journalling

Today, I noticed more of the things that annoy me. I hate meeting people accidentally especially those that know me from my childhood. Earlier this day, I have gone to mass and as I was heading there, I was stopped by someone who is friends with my mother. I hate that she asked me if I am a lawyer and if I was the one who took up law. She also asked what my sister finished in college. In the church, I met some schoolmate's mother. I think she doesn't want to talk to me either so I am grateful for that. It just annoys me to have to be reminded of my pasts when I have not started with my future. I hated having to explain why I went to law school, why I am not yet a lawyer, and why I do not want to be one anymore. It is just that I hate small talks. Like earlier at mass, I was thinking if my schoolmate's mother will hold my hand during the Ama Namin. My anxiety is high whenever I accidentally see people, like, I am not prepared for this. I always feel drained all the time whenever I see people I do not feel like seeing, especially, spending time with people that I do not want to spend time with.

Why did I get fat?

 

I was not fat per se. I was always overweight. I think I started being overweight when I was in Grade 4 of elementary school. But of course, I was always categorized as fat because when I look back, my classmates were malnourished back then and they just started to get fat when they were in college and then working.

I remembered, when I entered law school in 2011, I was not that fat yet. I was still overweight because I am 5'2" and I weigh 155-160 lbs. at that time.

After that, year by year, my weight increased due to stress eating, emotional eating, lack of exercise, lack of physical and emotional attachment and care to the people and the world around me. I just noticed one day that I got sick. I do not have a balance. I have very poor eyesight, hearing and speech. My sickness was not diagnosed but I remember taking herbal medication for that to feel better but my condition was not getting any better.

I graduated in 2016 and immediately reviewed and took the bar but I flunked 3 times after that. I also got into a relationship where she pretty much did not want to see me. She even said, and I have not told this to anyone. Even my new partner now doesn't want to see my body, only my face. I took then as her just protecting and respecting me but now I just think that she does not want to look at me. We broke up in 2018 but the last time we saw each other was in 2017. This relationship was so toxic that it took a toll on my overall state, especially my mental state. My confidence was broken. My ego was broken. My faith in anything was broken. All my relationships are broken.

In 2018, I decided to change my lifestyle. I decided I wanted something to change for myself. My body did change but my mental state was the same. I lost weight because I was listening so much to the voices around me and of course, my exes influence was still in my head. I changed because of her, in the hopes of eventually having her again. But she did not come back. She'll text or call me intermittently but we are not back together.

In 2019, I got into a relationship with my current partner, Alex. I am in a lesbian relationship, by the way, if you have not figured out that yet. I got my confidence and ego back. I have already had my personality in place. I have regained my sense of self back even before I got into a relationship. I did know who I was alone. But that has just solidified when I got together with Alex. She just nurtures, loves and cares for me.

But as we go deeper into the relationship, we got fatter and fatter together. And I could not balance and walk alone anymore because of this weight gain. I have been noticing that I had nystagmus again where my eyeballs twitch uncontrollably. I have a hard time breathing when climbing stairs and my lower back and feet hurt when I walk for even just 1 km.

I really need to get back in shape again. Especially now that I wanted to live longer and stay with Alex for the rest of my life.

As of writing this, I was wondering if I still have feelings for my ex. I got a call from Alex and we talked about this. I guess my problem is that she does not believe or trust yet that I will not trade a very healthy relationship that we have right now over a toxic one. I may have loved my ex but I do not want to undergo all those again and I just do not want to be with the kind of person that she is. It is good for her if she has changed but that is not for me anymore. I am happy with Alex right now. I am very grateful that I get to be loved by her. I get to love her. And I get to be with her, hopefully for the rest of our lives.