I forgive you..

"I forgive you. you never apologized for everything that you ever put me through and you probably didn’t even notice any of it because people usually don’t notice things they dont care about, and thats what I was to you. I was just another person that existed, I was just another person that made you feel like you were worth something.
All you ever did was make me feel incomplete. I’d look at myself for hours until I could no longer recognize anything in trying to figure out why you don’t love me in the way I put love into you.
I always knew what I was to you but I tried to ignore it for so long, I convinced myself otherwise because when you know that the person that you love, does not even give a damn about you something inside you shuts off and I couldn’t deal with that and I didn’t want to accept that so I kept trying to see something that was never there.
I think thats what destroyed me in the end, knowing the reality of what we were but 7trying to look past that and find something that wasn’t there. I forgive you for all of it. I forgive you for the nights I stayed up crying because you chose her. I forgive you for leaving and then coming back just so you could leave all over again. I forgive you for the things that you said when you and i both knew you didn’t mean them. and I forgive you for using me to try and fill the hole that she left in you.
and now I forgive myself.
I forgive myself for everything that I put myself through. I forgive myself for letting myself believe that you really were the greatest part of me. I forgive myself for loving you when you weren’t worth a damn thought.
because after stepping away, I see it all so clearly now. After I accepted what I really was to you, everything else made more sense.
I destroyed myself in loving you and for that I am so sorry but when I say I forgive you, I mean I forgive myself, I forgive giving so much of myself to someone that didn’t care how my day was going. I forgive myself for all the hurt I endured."
—I have to let go, and to do that I need to forgive. (via fadedheartbreq)

Before I go..

I miss you.

When can I see you again?

I know what you'll be going through that's why I understand you even if you don't say it.

I can't be of any help to you, even the materials, you already have them. But tell me what you want and need. You already know how and when to execute your plan. You have been preparing for this so understanding you is all I can do. And I may not be in the country in 2017 (except the oath taking and signing of the roll).

My only request is that I be allowed to see you before you go full-on MIA. I need to take back something from you. I won't disturb you and I will give you back your time and space. I'll leave you be. If not before the year ends, I will understand. Goodluck! I love you.

I'm always gonna be soft for you..

That's the problem. I'm always going to be soft for you. I'm always going to want you in my life. Regardless of whether or not I become a lawyer. Or that my family opposes to our relationship if they found out about it. Or where life takes me. I'm always going to want you there in my life. Watching me. Guiding me. Caring for me. Loving me.

And it sucks that I'm scared of wanting you and relying on you because I don't like depending on anyone and adjusting for anyone. I'm scared that you're going to leave me. I fear the day that you don't want me in your life and that you no longer have the patience to try to understand me. I'm scared of losing you. I'm scared that if I don't make it, you're going to leave me. What should I do? I love you. Even when we fight, I still want you. 😔

Sorry.

I have to let you go..

Hon. I always misunderstand. And the other night was the clearest you can get, of the confirmation I was asking for, months ago. I think we should really be apart. I want you to meet the real me, apart from my bar year and decide if I am really your queen or if I can be your queen. I also want to feel more like myself before I reviewed for the bar and decide if I want us in my life because us is all I can think about now and see in the future. And your confirmation just broke me. So let's finish what we set out before we met. I am too emotional. You can't take it. We're both stressed so we should be apart.

It has taken a lot of me to finally let you go. Regardless of how we feel, I have to consider that 2016 isn't really our year and I have to stop forcing it. Focus on what we set out to do before we met each other. I can't do it if I am constantly hurting.

We remain friends. No more expectations on my side. I love you. 😊

I miss you.

Hon, I'm sorry for bursting out again. I know this time you're not coming back. Am I too hard on you? Did I pull you too hard that you wanted to let go and get away from me. 10 days nalang, tapos na ang bar month. Malapit na matapos ang 2016. I will never forget this year because this is the year that I took the bar. This is when you and I happened. This could've been our year. But at the same time, I want to forget it too. This is the year that I did not feel like myself. This is when we hurt each other. This is the year that we lost respect. This is when we ended. I love you.

I have never loved someone truer than this but I have to let go because mag-isa nalang ako. I am torn kung lalaban pa ba ko o tatahimik nalang ako. Mahal na mahal kita.

I can't wait to feel more like myself again. To think on things again and to not be guided by my emotions. I can't wait to take control of my life again. I don't know if you will experience it too but I hope you won't. I felt that my emotions took over this year because I had no opportunity and time to deliberate and contemplate on what was happening. I admit, I was so impatient. I was out of control. I was aware but I can't  do anything about it. Consìder it like your financial paralysis. You want to do things but you can't yet because you have a timeline to follow.

I know I can't justify how I felt and what I did when we were together, but I hope you will someday, somehow understand that the 2016 me is not the real me. I can't prove that because we've met at the strangest and most struggling year in my life and your previous relationship before me resembled a lot like the childish me.

We will move on. We will both make it. We'll be lawyers. I am excited to be friends with you again when all of this is over and the hurt, pain and anger have subsided. You are by far the most interesting person I have met. I will always be here if you are ready to talk again. Good luck on the bar. Call me for anything, literally anything. Thank you. I love you. 😘

Thank you.

Ayoko ng magalit. Ayoko na din masaktan. Ayoko na umiyak. Ilang beses ko na sinabi, hindi ko napapanindigan. But tonight, i will finally let go. Everything I said bago tayo naging okay holds true and standing again. Mali man o tama ang pagkaintindi ko sa sinabi mo, the truth remains, inaffirm mo ng tapos na nga talaga tayo. Natatawa din ako na naiinis ako sayo kapag di mo ko napagbibigyan, wala naman na nga talagang tayo, simula nung tinapos ko. Akala ko kasi meron dahil sa i love you, care and support na pinakita mo. Wala lang pala yun kasi nga matagal na nga pala tayong tapos. Naunblock na kita because I'm just detaining myself to the thought na baka magtext o tumawag ka and you cannot get through because nakablock ka where in fact di naman totoo. Kung ikaw, nawalan na ng respeto sakin, mas lalo ako sa sarili ko. Di naman kita sinisisi kasi hinayaan ko lang na kontrolin ako ng nararamdaman ko sayo. Sorry ha, minura kita, hindi ko ugali yun. Hindi ko ugaling nagagalit at matindi talaga yung galit na naramdaman ko kagabi. Matagal na hindi nangyayari sakin yun at ayoko na sana maulit. Binabawi ko, thankful pala akong nakilala kita because I learned things from you. Bonus nalang na nagmahalan tayo, kung totoo nga na nagmahalan tayò. Anyway, titigil na ko. Sorry at salamat sa lahat ha. Ingat. Good luck sa bar!  See you around.

Ayoko na.

That is the lowest you made me feel. Putangina. Thank you ha. Ayoko na. I did all of that because I thought mutual pa. Putangina. Malandi nalang pala ako sayo. I don't do that to anyone. Hindi ako naghihintay ng papatol sakin. Hindi ako kung kani kanino lang pumapatol. Kung nakuha mo man ako ng mabilis dahil yun sa mahal kita.

Ian, di ko naisip na magagawa mo yun sakin. Mas inisip ko pang mangangaliwa ka kesa sasabihan mo kong malandi. Ito pala yung totoong gigising sakin. Malala ka na. Wala kang pakialam sa masasaktan mo. Buti nalang klinaro mo na matagal na tayong tapos.

I love you.

I love you. I need to be away from you but I love you. Intense ako. Di ko yun mapigilan. I always want what I want when I want ìt. And I get very frustrated when I don't get it. I know its childish but that's just me. I can't wait. I am impatient. And I will always want control or at the very least, make me feel that I am in control. I want you. I will always want you. I hope dumating na yung time na hindi na ikaw ang hinahanap hanap ko. Ramdam ko ng ayaw mo na sakin kaya sana dumating na yun para di na ko masaktan.

The Hardest Thing..

I had gone through so many struggles in my life, akala ko, law school na yung pinakamahirap na hinurdle ko sa buong buhay ko, until bar review. When we graduated, I thought the Bar was the hardest thing I have ever have to hurdle in my entire life tapos lahat na ng struggles, lahat na ng problema kaya ko lagpasan kasi napatunayan ko na sa sarili ko na kayo kong maging abogado, kaya ko ano man yung gusto ko mangyari sa buhay ko. Pero hindi pala. Reviewing for the Bar while getting over you was the hardest thing I ever have to do. Getting over someone I thought was my future. Someone who had my best interests at heart. Someone who finally understand me. This is, by far, the hardest thing I ever have to do. Ang hirap! Sobrang hirap! Yung hindi ako pwedeng makaIimot ng kahit isa sa mga naaccumulate kong knowledge these past months but at the same time I have to forget about you. Everything connected about you. Everything I dreamed and planned about you. The future I wanted with you.

Sorry Ian, I just miss you so much. Kelangan ko 'to ilabas. Hindi pwede sa iba. Ayokong masira ka sa kanila. Di ko naman hawak mga isip nila kung anong magiging interpretation nila sa sasabihin ko kaya sayo ko nalang sinasabi. Sorry, di ko kasi kayang sarilinin eh. I am still in the process. Alam kong possible eh. Nakita ko sayo. Nahirapan ka makaget-over kay Val pero naging possible.

Thank you because I know you are still there for me. I know you are a trusted friend and I can't wait to be casually talking to you. I can't wait to remember you and not be hurt by the mere thought of you. Hanggang ngayon kasi masakit pa rin, kahit minsan nalang tayo magkatext at bar-related lang, masakit pa rin sakin na ganito na tayo ngayon, though I understand that you can't be with me.

How did we end up here? I shouldn't have pushed for more when you asked me to watch that movie. I shouldn't have spent the Holy Week with you. We should've stayed friends because I haven't met anyone better than you at everything. Even when I'm in pain, even when you were the cause, you are still the remedy I seek.

Frankly, I don't know how to get over a heartbreak such as this. But someday I will. Today and from the last day I saw you I still miss you. I cannot imagine being in love with anyone like I did with you. But I will try again, someday.

And now, back to the Bar. :)

Novembar Blues 1

This weekend reminded me again why I don't want to have a husband and kids.

It all started as me just being annoyed of the Family drama on my father's side. Also because I love my family so much that I am somewhat ashamed that we will get the reputation of my relatives.

Ever since we were kids, they're (Papa's siblings) are already in a cold war until it broke down to so many family feuds. Like Tita Lea would be fighting with Kuya Do or Kuya Do and Tita Lou or Tita Lea and Tita Josie. And the root of this is money and greed. I don't know how they manage to fight with their siblings and overlook their family ties just because of greed. I cannot imagine fighting with Grace about something so trivial as that. I cannot imagine fighting with anyone about something so trivial. I cannot even imagine fighting with my sister. Our fights are normal sibling quarrels that patch up after minutes or hours or with us, just by changing the topic and not talk about it anymore, after that we're okay.

I want to be a bride. Maybe I also want my own family. It comes out of the conversation with my parents. Maybe I haven't really accepted the fact that I am for a married life.

Earlier this year, I got involved with a same-sex relationship. Maybe, a part of me decided that I wanted something like that is because I don't want others to get involved with our family drama. I don't want to burden my kids with the stress of having to deal with the drama of being in this family. I act that I do not care but I deeply care, I am so emotional and I am so sensitive. Like right now, i am crying about I don't know what.

I loved Ian. I did. But maybe he's right all along that I do not know what I want. And meeting him was so that I can sort my shit through.

I don't know, maybe it is because of the Bar that I haven't gotten my shit straight. I always known what I want and how to get it and to not give a fuck, even on situations that calls for me to care.

I can't wait for this month to end so I can finally sort through my shit and map out my future plans again.

Lord, please help me. Give me everything that I need to survive and pass the Bar Exams and to be deserving of the blessings that you are giving me. I believe You have a wonderful plan for me. Amen.