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One day..

August 2, 2018

"If you can love someone with your whole heart, even one person, then there's salvation in life. Even if you can't get together with that person."

Aug. 4, 2018

Ian: focus on bar please. i am praying for you

Me: Thank you. I love you.

Aug. 5, 2018 I wish we'll always find each other..

Hindi ko na irerelate yung mga nababasa ko sa nangyari satin. Wala namang nakakaalam ng future pero panalo tayo pareho ano man ang mangyari, magkabalikan pa o hindi. Alam naman natin maganda ang plano ni Lord. Naiisip pa rin kita, yung tayo. Pero di na ko malungkot. Hindi lang sa bar ako nakafocus. I see to it that I am living a full life and I feel alive. Thank you sa prayers. Ingat ka lagi. I love you.

Aug. 7, 2018 Distracted nanaman ako. Nagparamdam ka lang eh. Namimiss kong hinahalikan mo ko. Namimiss kong kinakain mo ko. Namimiss kong nasa taas kita. Namimiss kong ako yung nasa taas. Thank you kahit mabigat ako, pumapayag ka pa rin. Thank you sa confirmation na masarap ako, sana totoo. Sayo pa rin ako. Wala pa ko plano makipagsex sa iba. Kung mangyari man, sex lang yun, matagal pa siguro ulit kung makikipagrelasyon ako. Gusto ko isipin na nirereplyan mo talaga mga messages ko pero sinesave mo lng sa memo at di mo sinesend. I had this dream na nareceive ko lahat ng sagot sa mga texts ko. Nakakatawa no? Sana okay ka lng. Ingat.

August 9, 2018 Alam mo ba kung bakit nakapikit ako pag nagsesex tayo? Lahat kasi ng senses ko that time heightened. Ang sarap sa pakiramdam ng nakadikit yung katawan mo sakin. Pangarap kong mag-all the way ka sakin dati, di ko naman makikita, gusto ko lang maramdaman yung buong ikaw na walang restrictions. Hay. Natatawa ko dun sa nabasa ko. 3 months na daw syang tigang, nagchalk na daw yung tokwa nya. Haha. 3 months lng sya, ako nga 8 months na, 8 months din last yr tas 7 months before that. Considering may jowa ako mahilig noon. Haha.

August 10, 2018

"If she wounds you, love her. If she tears your heart to pieces – and as it gets older and stronger, it will tear deeper – love her, love her, love her!"

August 11, 2018

Day Before, Day Itself o Day After Valentine's day man yan, di ko naexperience kasi 11th palang nagbebreak na tayo db? Di tayo tumatagal ng 1 week na hindi nag-aaway kahit wala naman dapat pag-awayan. Pagod na ko. Pagod na pagod na. Mawawala ka ng matagal. Magpaparamdam ka kung kelan mo lang gusto. Kasalanan ko naman lagi. Di ko pa rin tinatanggap na hindi ka na sakin at nirereserve ko pa din yung sarili ko para sayo. At sa isang text mo lang, wala nman kakwenta kwenta, sira lahat ng progress na meron ako.

August 13, 2018

I know it will take me a very long time to be with someone else or I might not want to be with anybody else but you. But as for now, i want to be okay without you in my life. I want to be okay with you coming and going. Gusto ko ako yung pinipili mo hindi lang kapag malungkot ka pero kapag okay ka rin at walang eventful na nangyayari sayo, yung sakto lang yung pakiramdam mo kasi sa part ko pipiliin kita palagi, sa lahat ng pagkakataon, masaya o hindi o sakto lang. Honest at masunurin ako sayo. Nasabi ko na lahat. Nagawa ko na lahat. Pero hindi mo 'ko nakikita. Okay na. Sana maging okay ka na rin. Mahal na mahal kita. Lahat ng ako at pwedeng maging ako, sayo pa rin yun pero tama na. Gets ko na, wala lang ako sayo, wala akong lulugaran sa buhay mo at hindi ako kawalan.

August 14, 2018

Alam mo yung sigurado ng udd? Pakinggan mo sana.

Constant struggle sakin na itext, tawagan o puntahan ka. Minsan gusto ko pa rin sabihin sayo yung mga nararamdaman ko but I resolved to blogging kasi ganun din naman, hindi mo rin nman ako rereplyan at wala kang pakialam. Hoping pa rin ako na magkakabalikan tayo one day pero kung hindi na okay lang. Pinakamahalaga yung maging fully recovered ako. Prinepreserve ko yung sarili ko para mas makafunction ako ng tama at magawa ko yung mga hindi ko nagagawa dahil sa physical limitations.

August 15, 2018

5 Types of Exes na dadaan sa buhay mo bago mo makilala si “The One”. (Based on my experience at least.

So yeah, I have 5 exes and I enumerated them with each type kaya kung kilala mo ko at ex kita, hulaan mo na lang sino ka dyan. Haha!)

Your First. - Ang ex na una sa lahat. At bilang sya ang una sa lahat, sya din ang nagturo at nagparamdam sayo pano magmahal at gano kasakit ang masaktan. Etong ex na to ang pinaka mabait sa lahat at pinaka “friendable” (kung papapiliin ka sino magiging kaibigan mo sa mga exes mo, sya yun).

The Player. - Ang ex na nakipag relasyon ata sayo para ubusin ang luha mo. Ang ex na kahit paulit ulit kang sinasaktan at niloloko, binabalik balikan mo pa din. Pero dahil na-master mo pano masaktan dahil sa kanya, sya ang ex na nagturo sayo pano maging matatag and to never give up on love. The Narcissist. - Ang ex na masydong so into herself na feeling nya ang mundo eh umiikot lang sa kanya. Pero dahil ganyan sya, natuto ka pano maging selfless. Ang ex na nagturo sayo kung pano magpahalaga sa mga mahal mo sa buhay. Ang nagturo at sumubok sayo kung hanggang san ang kaya mo ibigay at gawin para sa taong mahal mo.

The Rebound. - Ang ex na sumalo sayo nung panahong durog na durog ka. Ang ex na bumuo ulit sayo kaya sya ang ex na nagturo sayo not to take the one you love for granted. Sya din ang nagturo sayo na sa isang relasyon hindi lang love ang importante kung hindi kailangan may pangunawa, tiwala at respeto.

The Clincher. - Ang ex na akala mo si “the one” na pero hindi pala. Kinakailangan lang nya dumaan sa buhay mo para iparealize sayo kung ano ba talaga ang gusto mo sa buhay at sa isang partner. Sya yung ex na kung titignan mukhang perfect naman pero sa loob mo alam mong may kulang pa din. Sya ang huli mong magiging ex kasi alam mong handa ka na makilala ang tinadhana sayo.

All in one ka. Tapos nasa stage pa kong sana ikaw si the one. Pero dun ako sa trinatry ko maging the one para maging only one regardless kung ikaw nga ba yung the one ko.

August 19, 2018 Naalala mo pa ba yung nag-aral tayo sa starbucks trinoma tapos sa mcdo naman after? Yung 1st time na sabi mo naeskandalo kita kasi sumisigaw ako ng galit? Yung hinahalikan mo ko everytime may sasabihin ako hanggang sa mawala yung init ng ulo ko? Naaalala mo pa ba yung kapag nagaaway tayo, tahimik ka lng pero kapag tumawag ka na, ineexplain mo sakin kung bakit ako mali? Yung kahit hindi ka nagsosorry kahit kailan, ramdam kong parang nagsorry ka because you give your time and effort to me. Matagal ng hindi ganun. Matagal ng hindi na kita maramdaman. Aminado naman ako sa lahat ng mali ko, sa lahat ng pagkukulang ko at sa lahat ng pagkakamali ko. Pero never sa mga ibinintang mo sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung kelan mo ko unang pinatay, nung unang beses na maramdaman kong di mo na ko mahal o nung maramdaman kong may ibang nagpapasaya sayo o yung araw na naikumpara mo ko sa iba o yung araw na sinabi mong hindi mo na ko mahal. Kapit na kapit ako sayo. Kahit sa mga panahong binibitawan mo ko. Lalo sa mga panahong dapat bumitaw na rin ako sayo. Pero yung paulit ulit mong pagpaparamdam sakin, yung paulit ulit na mangangako ka sakin, yung paulit ulit na sasabihin mong mahal mo ko kahit sa sex ko nlng nararamdaman, enough na para humigpit ulit yung kapit ko sayo. Mahal na mahal kita. Sobra. Dumating sa point na mas mahal na kita sa sarili ko.

August 22, 2018 Never mo ko niyakap no? After sex lang. Pero pag pumunta ako sa inyo or pag nagkita tayo, hindi db? Yung ikaw yung naginitiate, parang wala or sa tagal na, di ko na maalala. 🤔

August 27, 2018

Ang sad pala ng feeling kapag napapansin mong di mo na mahal yung taong mahal na mahal mo dati no tapos di dahil may mahal ka ng iba? 🤔

August 28, 2018

Namimiss kita kaso nakalimutan ko number mo 😟 And I'm consciously trying not to remember it. Wala na rin akong urge to email you. Lahat naman na kasi nasabi ko na. I found my 2016 Diary. Tawa ko ng tawa, I'm such a drama queen. May mga letters pa ko sayo dun. Thinking back, naglolong messages na ko sa texts at emails, may letter pa ko sa futureme.org, pinupuntahan pa kita sa bahay nyo. Damn my guts. Parang ako yung boyfriend. 😂 Also, di na nagbago yung mga pinagaawayan natin mula noon hanggang ngayon. Ang babaw lang tapos biglang lalaki, either ang drama ko o ang OA mo. 😂 Ganito pala yung feeling ng kalma nalang. Sobra kong hindi pinatahimik yung sarili ko kahit wala ka naman ginagawa sakin/para sakin. I hope you're okay. If not, magiging okay ka din and truly happy. Kung magkikita pa tayo, tadhana nalang. Ang sad pala ng feeling kapag napapansin mong di mo na mahal yung taong mahal na mahal mo dati no tapos di dahil may mahal ka ng iba? 🤔

August 29, 2018

"If you could meet them again, would you still choose to meet them?"

Yes, I would choose to meet you again. I had the best life lessons when I was with you. Because I knew you, I have been changed for good. I learned the extent of my patience and how much I can love. If it were up to me, I would want for you to treat and love me better, and choose me over everything you think are more important. I want you to choose me everytime like it's a given, you didn't have to think. But it was never my choice from the beginning. Last time, you said, "Rain or shine ka dati ah." I still am. Through everything, yes ako sayo. I badly wanted to see you. Feel you again. Kiss you again. But because I know you so well, I know that, that plan will never push through.

September 2, 2018

Bigla ko lang naalala. Nakakatawa nalang kasi. Nung kinoconvince pa kita to say what you feel. Sabi mo, di mo nakikitang magiging tayo pero nakikita mong magkocommit ka sakin. Hahaha. Tapos baliktad nangyari. Naging tayo nga, pero never ka nman nagcommit sakin.

September 3, 2018

Di kita iniisip pag gabi, alam kong hindi ako makakatulog. Di kita iniisip kapag may mga ginagawa ako kasi malamang hindi ako matapos. Di kita iniisip pero bigla ka pa rin papasok sa isip ko pag may mga bagay na nangyari sakin at ikaw yung nagiisang taong gusto kong makaalam nun kaya I am consciously trying my hardest to divert my attention every time. Di kita iniisip, nasa sistema kita. Sorry kung naiinconvenience ka ng fact na yun. Sorry talaga. Ingat ka lagi ha.


Sana nagdedate tayo dati kahit minsan lang kapag biglang gusto mo makipagkita sakin. I just watched a movie today with a friend today. Naisip ko bigla yung disclaimer mo sakin before na hindi ka mahilig manood ng sine. Di ko alam kung sinabi mo yun para di ako magyaya ng date sayo. Yung sabi mo, liligawan mo ko after 2 years, kasi dapat abogado na tayo nun db? Kaya ang sakit nung sabi mo di mo nman na ako kailangan ligawan. Siguro kasi nakuha mo na agad lahat ng gusto mo sakin. Di nman kita sinisisi. Ginusto ko lahat yun. Hinayaan kong balewalain mo ko. Ikaw lang o wala. Masaya na ko either way. Thank you. I love you.

September 9, 2018

Last entry ko na 'to sa blog na 'to kasi hindi ko gustong magmove on dati pero nung umaayos na yung pakiramdam ko at nagiging okay na ko ng wala ka, mas gusto ko yung feeling. Ilelet go ko na lahat ng attachments ko sayo. Sobrang mahal na mahal kita at lahat kaya at gusto ko pa rin gawin para sayo. Self preservation nalang din siguro. Ayaw mo na sakin, hindi mo na ko mahal. Okay lang sana kaso kasi nagkacrumble lahat ng progress na nagagawa ko.

Nung friday, yun yung 1st time, in 8 months na nag-init ako ulit just because you texted you want me. It took all my energy at wala akong natapos after reading that. Nakalimutan ko na hindi na ako yung gusto mo at sobrang stressed ka nalang talaga kaya mo nasabi yun. There were times na feeling ko hinahanap hanap mo ko but then lalabas lang na malungkot or stressed ka at pag okay ka na ulit, nawawala ka nanaman. Grabe yung epekto mo sakin. Kaya ko ba yung ganong emotional trauma? Deserve ko ba yun? Ano bang nagawa ko sayo to deserve all that?

I only have myself to blame because I couldn't and won't let go. Sobrang kilala kita eh, pero dahil sobra kitang kilala, madalas naguguluhan ako.

Hindi kita kakalimutan. Hindi ko tatry magmove on. Pero magmumove forward na 'ko. Ayoko magpahabol, alam kong never mo gagawin yun. Hindi ko pa kaya makipagrelasyon sa iba hanggat nasa sistema kita but eventually I will. Hindi ako nakikipagsex ng walang commitment, alam mong hindi ako fuck girl.

Madami kang friends to listen to you when you're sad. Madaming willing to have sex with you without attachment. Eventually siguro, in the future, kakayanin kong maging friend mo lang. Ingat ka lagi. I love you. Okay na ko. Salamat.

Dates

March 13, 21, 22, 23, 2016
April 2, 2016
December 13, 2016
July 30, 2017
November 24, 28, 2017
December 8, 2017

Sarap balikan lahat ng mga araw na parang mahal na mahal mo 'ko at masaya tayo. Nakakatawa, April 2, 2016, habang naglalakad tayo sa west ave, hindi ka na sanay sa pabebe mode pero para sakin, okay lang pagdaanan mo ulit kasi mahal mo ko eh. Fast forward to July 18, 2018, nasabi mo rin, kahit matagal ko na rin naman ramdam, umay ka na. July 30, 2017, based sa memory ko, yun yung araw na tumawag ka sakin at okay na tayo ulit. Babalik ka pa kaya? Magiging okay pa kaya tayo ulit? Di ko na sinama, December 30, 2017. Last na nagkita tayo. Hindi ko gets kung bakit inis na inis ka na nakatulog ka at may mga di ka nagawang position na gusto mo itry sakin, as if di na tayo magkikita after nun. Di na nga kc may work ka, dami mong deadlines, may labas ka with workmates, may labas ka with friends, tapos naghiwalay na talaga tayo. June 1, 2018, last attempt ko na to go to your house and fix us. Alam ko naman, andun ka lang. Pero okay lang. Gets ko naman na. Naiintindihan ko naman kung bakit wala ng tayo. Hindi ko naman sinasabi sayo 'to para balikan mo 'ko kc kung gusto mo matagal mo na ko binalikan, hindi ko kinailangan gawin yung mga ginawa ko o kaya, hindi mo nalang sana ako iniwan. Kaso kasi ang sakit pa rin. Wala naman ako pinagsisihan sa lahat ng yun. Ikaw yun. Mahal na mahal kita kaya lang nagkataong hindi tayo pareho ng paraan. Pero grateful ako for the opportunity to meet you. Ingat ka lagi ha.

Choice and chance

I had a conversation with a younger friend earlier. She is much younger than us pero sobrang mature nya na mag-isip. I like talking to her sometimes because it feels like talking to you. Dami namin napagusapan, one of it reminded me of why I chose to be single for 12 years, before you. Not that it matters to you now, pero ang sarap maalala ng rason kung bakit nagrisk ako sayo dati. I'm still holding on to that reason. Combination tlga ang choice at chance. 😊

Credit..

This is not because I want us back or become friends or stay connected. But I still care. Forever naman na siguro. Pero on a different level nalang. Baka pwede yung friendship someday pero di ko nakikita in the nearest future. Di naman siguro biro yung lahat ng mga pinagdaanan natin, good and bad.

Siguro para 'to bigyan ka ng credit. Blocked yung totoong account ko eh. Kaya risk talaga na malaman mo yung dummy account ko. Deactivated din naman to madalas.

Alam mo naman na 'to kaya hindi ka nagbabago ng position kahit iyakan at dramahan pa kita. Tama ka in so many levels. Sa lahat ng naireklamo ko sayo before, sa lahat ng naidrama ko sayo dati, napakaimmature ko pala talaga those times and I'm sorry that you had to go through all that and thank you for being so patient with me.

Ngayon na tumatanda na ko, hindi ko pa napagdaanan ultimo 1/4 ng mga pinagdaanan mo, narirealize kong sobrang tama ka. At siguro, kung nagtiwala ako sayo, okay sana tayo. Masyado pa 'ko nagpapadala sa emotions ko. And I just had to meet you para magkaroon ako ng wisdom na meron ako ngayon. Di mo ko binebaby. Di ka spoon feeding. Yun lang, tao ka lang din, napapagod. There would really come a time na kelangan mo ng mamili sa mga dapat mong iprioritize at madalas magmumukha ka ng selfish dahil sa mga choices mo.

But I had no regrets. Pinagdaanan ko yung mga kailangan ko pagdaanan kahit mag-isa. Parehas tayo ng goals pero hindi tayo sabay ng pace.

Di pa rin ako buo but I'm getting there. Before, I was really trying to be okay agad kasi may mga bagay na mas importante pa ko dapat unahin. Pero narealize kong ayoko nga pala ng middle ground, yung okay lang, almost. So now, sinastrive kong maging masaya lalo na sa choices na ginagawa ko. And I have you to thank for most of it.

I love you. Di na yun mawawala. Pero di naman kailangan maging tayo or maging connected tayo. Tama ka, di lahat ng nagmamahalan dapat magkasama. Assuming mahal mo ko.

Good luck ha.

10 years ago,

"Ten years from now, make sure you can say that you chose your life, you didn’t settle for it." — Mandy Hale

10 years ago, 19 ako nun. Pero yung gusto ko ikwento, 20 years old ako bilang 30 na ko next year. I had this class in college, marketing grad nga pala ko. Hello sa MK 4-4s classmates ko, baka tanda nyo to. Di ko na matandaan yung setting, kung anong subject tsaka kung sinong prof ko nun, pero babae to.

Pinakuha kami ni Ma'am ng yellow paper at pinasulat nya yung mga gusto namin maachieve in 20 years. Of course, 20 lng ako, wala naman ako ibang gustong makuha kasi hindi ako pinalaking materialistic ng mga magulang ko but I can clearly remember lahat ng naisulat ko dun, nakadepende sa pagiging abogado ko.

Sobrang gusto kong maging abogado na lahat ng gusto kong marating, maachieve, maranasan o makuha, kakabit nun yung titulong Atty.

Hindi ko pinangarap maging Fiscal, Judge o Justice. O maging PAO, magtrabaho sa law firm, maging corporate lawyer o kung ano pa man classification ng abogado na meron. Dumating nalang yung mga ganung classification nung tumatagal ako sa law school, palapit na ko sa finish line at nagiging abogado na ang mga kaibigan ko at napupunta na sa iba ibang field ng law.

Gusto ko lang magkaroon ng ATTY. sa pangalan ko pero madami pa kong gustung gawin bukod sa maging abogado. Kaya siguro hindi pa 'ko pinagbibigyan ni Lord.

10 years after, 30 na ko, can I say that I chose my life, I did not settle? Oo naman. I chose to study first and be a lawyer. May 10 years pa ko para iachieve yung iba pang naisulat ko sa papel na yun or pwede ko naman baguhin nalang dahil nagbabago ang mga bagay bagay sa pagdaan ng panahon. Bottomline, naging masaya ako in  those 10 years while achieving my goals.

28 months sana..

12:42 A.M

Perfect nga talaga lahat sa dream no? In my dream, masaya lang tayo lagi kahit nagaaway hindi naghihiwalay. Never ka nagsalita sakin ng masakit or nagsinungaling. 2 years and 4 months na sana. I love you.

When I dream about you - Gracenote

4:09 A.M

"I promise to build a new world, with you in the middle."

"Sa pagbalik, mananatili na sa piling mo. Mundo'y magiging ikaw."

Paulit ulit sa utak ko. Di ko nman pinakinggan. Actually, di ko na pinapakinggan. Akala ko pag nagsesend ka dati ng kanta, may meaning kasi baka di mo masabi in your own words mga nararamdaman mo, pero kanta lang pala talaga yun, nagandahan ka lang tapos pinarinig mo sakin.

Nag-ailove you ako sayo because totoo sakin. Kahit hindi tayo, sasabihin ko pa rin yan hanggang nararamdaman ko pa. When the time comes na hindi na, tatahimik nalang ako kesa magsinungaling pa sayo tulad ng paulit ulit mong gnwa sakin.

Bumalik ako Starbucks Hampton ulit. Dun ako nag-aaral. Ang sakit kasi madaming memories dun since 2016. Kunwari si Arian pa crush ko nun pero ikaw talaga, di ko lng masabi kasi akala ko identity crisis. Dun ko iniyak yung nararamdaman kong nawawala ka na sakin. Pero kelangan ko kayanin ulit kasi huli na 'to. Aalis na ko after.

I love you and I miss you. Magkita pa sana tayo ulit someday.

Differences..

I love weddings. I have always wanted to be a bride someday. Ang tagal ko ng obsessed sa weddings pero ngayon lang ako nakapanood ng filipino lesbian wedding. Naisip kita. Our could-have-been future. It's another reason why we never worked. We've never agreed to pretty much anything. Different values and different upbringing. Kahit nasa side mo ko, makakahanap ka pa din ng way to negate my opinion. Siguro nga nagpretend ako to be the kind of woman you want tapos hindi pala. I don't really know. Nakakahanap ka ng wala nman dun eh. Ikaw yung mahilig maghanap ng wala. I hope mahanap mo kung ano man hinahanap mo.

Closure please..

I'm in this constant agony of always wanting to be with you and pushing you away when you're here and I don't feel your love or affection. Minsan, pag bigla ka tumawag o nagtext o nagreply, gusto ko isipin na bumalik ka na sakin o kays di ka naman talaga umalis, tumahimik ka lang. Pero naiisip ko kasi na mas better ka dun at mas madami kang kayang gawin pag totoong mahal mo. Sabi mo kasi dati db, affectionate at touchy ka kapag mahal mo. Matagal ko na hindi naranasan sayo yun simula nung nagreview ako para sa 2016 bar, anong nagbago, hindi mo nga ako mahal talaga, jinustify ko lang ng sobrang tagal na baka busy ka kaya ganun ka sakin. Naalala mo nung una ako pumunta sa inyo? Pinagluto mo pa ko. Sabi mo nun natatakot kang mawala ako at hindi ka makapaniwalang nasa kwarto mo ko. Ayaw mo nga ako hawakan man lang kc bka maoffend ako db? Ano bang nagbago? Sagutin mo naman ako. Gusto ko na ng closure Ian. Kung mahal mo ko o hindi na, please sabihin mo sakin. Usap tayo. Harapan. Bigyan mo ko ng oras kahit para dito nalang. Please?

Nung inakala mong niloko kita, nagawa mo kong puntahan kc sabi mo gusto mong maging okay na para sa 4th Sunday. Isipin mo naman, 3rd take ko na, 2 buwan na yung nasasayang ko kasi hindi ako okay. Magulo yung utak ko. Kaya kita pinuntahan sa bahay nyo. Gusto ko na ng closure. Wala akong planong magovernight ulit sa inyo. Maawa ka naman sakin. Gusto ko na matahimik.

9:01pm

Para kong tanga, hnd na nakakatawa, nakakainis na no? Tagal ko na alam pero ayoko pa rin tanggapin. Paulit ulit lang naman. Hindi mo ibibigay sakin kahit kelan yung mga hinihingi ko sayo siguro bilang hindi mo naranasan yun at lalo dahil wala ka nun. Okay na ha. Wag mo nalang ako kausapin ulit kahit ako pa magumpisa. Dadating din ako sa puntong hindi na kita maiisip db? O maisip msn kita hindi na masakit. Taon siguro. Mas matigas ka sakin. Ikaw talaga yung heartless. Salamat nalang. Di na kita guguluhin.

Someday..

Di ko alam kung magkikita pa tayo pagkatapos nating maging abogado, sa oath taking or roll signing or sa practice pero sana one day magkita tayo bilaw ikaw na naabot na yung ikaw na gusto mong maabot at ako na nakarating na sa totoong ako tapos parang walang nangyari, babalik lng tayo sa dating tayo. Mahal kita. Naiintindihan ko na yung mga bagay na hindi ko maintindihan dati. Salamat sa 2 taon. Focus lng tayo sa mga pinakaimportanteng mga bagay ngayon. God bless us!

Closure..

I realized, kaya ganito ako kagulo, naghahanap ako ng closure. Hay. Kahit na ilang beses ko na sinabi sa sarili ko na di mo maibibigay yun, umaasa pa rin ako. Mahal kita. Sobra. Pero wala na yung tayo, matagal na. I'm so sorry napakaselfish ko. Di na kita pinatahimik kahit ilang beses ka ng lumayo. Di na ko magpapromise, gagawin ko nalang. Ingat ka lagi. Be happy. I just know you'll top the bar! Godbless us.

Slip..

Ang funny ng sitwasyon no? Ironic actually. Isang message mo lang, nagrereply agad ako, tumatawag pa. Tahimik ako pero di ka nawawala sa isip ko kahit anong busy ko. Ikaw pa rin una at huli kong naiisip. Hindi mo ipipilit yung sarili mo sakin kasi iyo pa rin ako eh.

Sabi mo, you will always have a soft spot for me. Gaano kaya kasoft yun? Nung tayo nga, I always had to second guess, di kita mapa-oo sa mga requests ko, ngayon pa kaya? Sana mawala ka na sa sistema ko para naman magawa ko na yung mga gusto kong gawin na pinangarap kong kasama kang gawin yun. Sana dumating na yung araw na hindi na kita mahal kasi bawat araw na nararamdaman ko pa rin na sobra kitang mahal, ang sakit. Na magkahiwalay na tayo ngayon, ang hirap. At wala ka na talagang pakialam sa akin, sobrang sakit.

Magiging maayos din yung pakiramdam. Naniniwala ako dyan. Pero di ko pa masabi kung kelan. Ayoko pumasok sa relasyon na wala akong maibibigay sa tao dahil nasayo pa rin lahat ng ako. Kaya pinipilit kong maging okay at mabuo ulit ng wala ka na. Sana unti unti ko ding makuha yung mga ako na naibigay ko sayo o kaya matutong iwan nalang sila sayo bilang di ka na magiging parte ng future ko.

Sana mahanap mo na yung pahingang hinahanap mo. I love you.

Tag-libog

Naalala ko nung pinaguusapan natin yung tungkol sa dildo, hinamon mo ko kung kaya ko ng 2 years na wala tayong sex pagtapos mo kong pasukin. Di ko naman naisip na ready ka na pala at meron na. Hahaha. Yun na pala yun. Minsan naiisip ko pa rin yung huling nangyari satin. May version ako na nagustuhan ko na yun ang gamit mo sakin. Yung possible na mga nagawa natin kung di ka nakatulog or kung nagkita tayo ng Jan. 25. Pero mas gusto ko pa rin kamay at dila mo. Kelan ka kaya matatanggal sa sistema ko? Minsan naiisip ko na yayain ka. Fuck buddy nalang. Kaso di ko kaya. Malamang mahalin nanaman kita. At tsaka ano bang laban ko sa gf mo ngayon, ayaw mo na nga sa utak ko eh, sa katawan ko pa ba? Haha. Hay.


041718
minsan, pag napansin kong tanghaling tapat at sobrang init, naiisip ko na naglilibog ka nanaman pero sa totoo pala, ako yung naglilibog. Papapayag ka pa kayang makipagsex sakin? Gusto mo pa kaya yung lasa ko? Naiisip mo pa rin kaya ako. Hahaha!

To the girl I was...

I must have been bitter and angry all these time eventhough I tried staying positive. Sunud sunod na betrayal and defeat from people you never thought would do it. And the people I have never given the time of the day, stood by me in times of pain and stress. Maybe, I haven't gotten over the fact that they meant so much to me and I was just nothing to them. All of these may sound so immature.

I always say I don't care much about so much. But it turned I cared for the wrong things. I know realized, what helps you to let go, move on and move forward is facing the reality that something or someone has hurt you. Pain has no age. All of us can get hurt. And all of us can rise above it. I am grateful for this chapter in my life. It's over now.

As I face a new chapter, I am letting go of everything that is hurting me, of the pain and of the people I have wrongly placed my trust on. I am letting go everything and choosing to rise above it. Thank you!

Happy Birthday..

April 2, nagkita tayo 2 years ago to celebrate your birthday. Di ko na maalala yung mga nangyari but I still think this was the day that we were so in love. 




"Regardless of where you are or who you will be with if we don’t last till the end, I have realized I will truly love you always through heaven and hell. An eternity grateful to fate and God for having you in my life."




Happy birthday! I love you.

Better luck next time..

Breaking down

Hindi ba ko worthy pag-effortan? Naibigay mo na ba lahat kay Val kaya wala ka ng maibigay sakin emotionally? Nagkulang ba ko? Hindi ko ba naiparamdam sayo na mahal kita? Bakit ko 'tong pagdaanan sayo? Sabi mo mahal mo ko at bar lang yung humahadlang satin? Wala na. Tapos na db, nung November pa. Hindi ko na alam. Ang sakit.  Malamang manahimik ka pa rin. Yan lang naman yung willing kang ibigay sakin. At patuloy pa rin ako magtatanong.

Tama na please..

Sa totoo lang, simula nung magreply ka sa message ko kanina, gusto kong bumalik pa rin sayo. Nung narinig kita, gusto ko magmakaawa ulit na bumalik ka na. Hanggang ngayon, kahit madalas ako masaktan dahil lalabas na hindi totoo yung mga sinasabi mo sakin, ikaw pa rin yung binabalik balikan ko.

You will always have a soft spot for me and you always say you love me. Pero di ko naman naramdaman kahit kailan yun. Baka nga, di mo lang maipakita sa paraang mararamdaman ko. Sabi mo pa nga, gusto mo that you can talk to me about everything but there are a lot of times that you have silenced me.

Sabi nga, in love, there's no fear. Kaso, takot na ko sayo. Di ko na alam kung paano maging ako kapag andyan ka. Sobrang sakit nito kc gusto ko na andyan ka lang. Pero parang mas makakabuti sating dalawa pag magkahiwalay.

Sana nga makapagsimula tayo ulit one day. Yung wala na yung sakit at takot ng nakaraan. Kahit magkaibigan nalang. Salamat sa lahat ha. Wag ka na sana sumagot. Naniniwala pa rin ako na baka mahal mo nga ako. Takot nalang ako na baka dumating na yung panahon na hindi na talaga. I love you.

Good bye.

"You're the one I want next to me when my dreams come true, and you're the one I want next to me if they don't."

Today marks the day that I have decided I want you and only you. I even missed my father's birthday because I don't want to be separated from you. I was willing to give up everything just to be with you. I don't regret any of it though because I would do it again granted the circumstances back then. You wanted me then. I was once your queen.

However, I see it now. Love doesn't have to feel that I should compromise my beliefs, especially my family. I admire you for having a strong filial sense. Akala ko strong na yung sakin, di pa pala.

Everything that has happened are due to my weaknesses at hindi ako dapat magalit sayo for having strong values. We are really different people at tapos na yung purpose natin sa buhay ng isat isa. I will always remember our time together as something beautiful but fleeting. Baka tama ka, siguro nga para ako sa iba. Salamat sa lahat. Di man tayo masaya hanggang huli, sana napasaya ko yung buhay mo kahit sandali. I love you. God bless us.

Have a nice life.

Plateau

It's been 2 weeks since my 160 lbs. weign in. Since then, I've ocassionally eaten junk food and cookies but I was still drinking water, green tea and apple cider vinegar. I checked my weight in the scale from time to time. The lowest I've gotten was 157 lbs and the next day it was 163 lbs.

I got scared. That feeling did not deter me from eating junk food. Last wednesday, Feb 28, I felt so bad that I still was desperate for Ian though it's clear from her silent treatment that she doesn't want to talk to me. I was even close to cancelling the meet up with Tina and attending Sky's Birthday.

Though I figured I need the real people in my life right now, I still want Ian. This is my mistake here. My emotions are still anchored in her that the moment she messes up, I feel defeated.

So now, I always pray to God to pick my emotions up. Let all of me be anchored in Him so that I can't get too devastated when something or someone fails me.

I also realized that I have hit a plateau since my weight doesn't go down anymore. I want to start the 7 day water fasting since I'm not doing anything yet. I'll still drink green tea and apple cider vinegar.

Last try..

Somebody said to me before that any first lesbian relationship would never work. I was determined to prove them wrong. But maybe they're right. Wala pang 1 month, di ko kinakaya na di mo ko pinapansin or I am not your priority. I am so impatient. Pero yung totoo, impatient ba ko kung wala ka namang tinutupad sa mga pinapangako mo sakin? Di ko makalimutan lahat ng ginagawa mo sakin, good and bad pero mas tumatatak sakin yung bad palagi. 2 years, lahat ng magandang nangyari satin dahil yun sa ako yung gumawa ng paraan. Pilit kong iniisip kung may mali ba ko kapag ginugusto kong pansinin mo ko? Selfish ba ko kapag ginusto ko yung atensyon mo? Pati yung panunumbat ko sayo kapag nag-aaway tayo, mali ba 'to? Everytime mag-aaway tayo or magbbreak, I always feel defeated. Di dahil nakikipagkumpetensya ako sayo pero kc natalo nanaman yung pag-asa kong baka narealize mo na kung anong deserve ko. I told myself countless times na hindi ka na magbabago, pero sa tuwing sasabihin mong mahal mo ko, umaasa ulit ako na baka maging totoo rin yan isang araw. Pero dumadaan ang mga araw na parang wala lang ako sayo, na okay lang kahit mawala ako at parang pabigat ako lagi sa buhay mo. Mahal kita. Mahal na mahal. Napakabuti mong tao sa totoo lang. Siguro talagang hindi na tayo ang para sa isat isa kahit anong pilit ko. Hindi na ako yung nakakaintindi at makakapagpasaya sayo. I'm grateful that I got to know you and be with you. At least now I know myself more. Love is love regardless of gender or the lack of it. Thank you.


I wish that one day, this number will not ring anymore. Or the operator says, "Your number cannot be completed if dialed, please check the number and dial again." So that I would know it's not working anymore. I wish I don't remember any of your email addresses. I wish I don't have ways to contact you. I wish we never met and fell in love. And more importantly, I don't get the urge to hear from you. I know I sound pathetic and crazy now, as I always do. And maybe things will get better in the long run. But right now, it just hurts. I want it to instantaneously stop. Please. Be kind to me. Just please tell me to stop.

That stubborn 25 lbs. though! Ugh!

I have been trying to lose weight to prepare for my oath taking and lawyering career and also to get better and healthy. I wanted to start running. At my current weight of 160.3lbs, I think I have lost 30+ pounds. And that's something to be happy about. My goal weight is 135 lbs. but my mom said 120 lbs. should be my suitable weight as I am only 5'2". I lost 30 lbs. in less than a month. That is surprising since I have been trying to lose weight so many times and I will fail. But I think it is different now since I have been drinking green tea and apple cider vinegar on top of a healthy diet. I don't do much of exercising, but I have committed to walking (adding a kilometer everyday) and to doing 100 squats everyday. I can't see changes yet but people around me are saying a lost a lot off weight. I vowed to go to the gym once I hit 130 lbs. and lose that remaining 100 lbs. at the gym and look more stronger.

I've been watching mostly Youtube videos from positive people like Shameless Maya. Bright side, TED Talk, Absolute Motivation, Wil Dasovich and whatever positive stuff I stumble on.

I can't do anything yet since I am still on rehab. I haven't been physically active since forever and I live a very sedentary lifestyle. I recently had chiropractic procedure done on me and I still have to practice walking properly and gaining balance on my body and leg strength.

Ian and I sort of broke up again before the our 23rd monthsary and I don't know if she's coming back but I have said my piece. It's up to her now to make a move. Lately, I'e been exploring with my sexuality. It looks like I am not a lesbian and not bisexual. I just am. I am not attracted to any particular gender or both but I love who I love. I just am. Recently, Amber of Amber's Closeet brightens my day and also Lexine. These are lesbians but they kind of remind me of the potential that Ian can be if she happens to be more vocal and open about certain things, but only to me. I don't want her putting those stuff in the internet.

I also think that the things I see in Amber and Lexine are probably the qualities I am really looking for in a partner. I don't know. But this year, I just want to really focus on myself and getting better.

I wish..

I have always been thinking of what our might have looked like together. With us living together as lawyers. You have your law firm while I work as a corporate lawyer and we have a business that we partnered up but I have my own coffee shop and events management business. We're so busy but we prioritize each other. I wish you would be there when I need you. I can't put you as an emergency contact because you are hard to reach. I wish you would listen to me when I have something to say, be it important or random, like how I would listen to you. I wish I could see you whenever I want to like how normal couples would when they miss each other. I wish you would just say sorry and own up to your faults but I can't make you do all that. This things should come out naturally when you love a person. That's how I know I love you more than you love me. I committed to you but you haven't committed to me. I am loyal and honest to you more than you wanted to believe I am. Remember when you told me, you don't see us being together as a couple but you see yourself committing to me? Commiting to me means I am going to be your priority like how you would prioritize your family because I am doing that to you. I consider you part of my family because you are going to, eventually, be a part of it when I tell that were together. But I haven't felt prioritized at all. You do things on your own way. You don't discuss things with me. Once I ask about it, you go defensive on me. You don't always have the time for me but you always find the time to do other stuff that suits you. You don't trust me but I haven't done anything to destroy it. You destroyed it in your mind. You don't feel lucky to have me in your life anymore. How did that happen? Do you want someone else again in your life? Remember the last time you worked, there's that secretary that you compared me to but you chose me over her because I was supposed to be a lawyer by now. Where did my place in your future go?

I went through a lot from you and I can't see myself being ultimately happy again alone like before we got together but I know I will get there eventually. We could have been happy. Ours was never a normal type of relationship. We held back so many from each other. Some I just learned to hold back. And that should not be the case. I wanted you to be the first person to hear about the good, bad and the ugly stuff that happens in my life. I want us to be there for each other all the time no matter the circumstances are. But I can't keep doing it with just me doing all the hardwork for this relationship to work. I can't be doing all the compromise. If you love me like you always claim, let's talk, really talk. Or you could just let me go and always be scared of the possibilities.

Goals

Now that I can walk properly, I have goals that I must achieve. I tweeted that this year I would be able to run whenever I want and my goal is to end this year with a 10 km run. But first, I have to train my legs since I can't run and have not exactly been walking properly for almost 10 years. On March 9, there's a BTS run. I think my sister would be interested. I plan to take a 3 km run first. Maybe by May, I could do the 5km run already.

I also want to be able to climb a mountain this year. I'm not yet sure how I would do it though but I know some people who might be able to help.

I also want to travel. A local trip and at least an international trip. I want to see and do so many things.

But I need to work. In order to have time and money, I need to do it online.

I am very grateful. I feel like Ariel when she had legs and Belle when she saw THE library. I'm so excited!

Trust. Big word.

Alam mo ba kung bakit big deal sakin na wala kang tiwala sakin? Nung una, natatakot ako na baka makahanap ka ng iba na kakayanin mong magtiwala ulit. Sabi mo mahal mo ko. Pero paano pag dumating yung taong kakayanin mo magtiwala at mahal mo na, pano na ko? But that was selfish of me. Mas hindi ko pala kaya yung thought na hindi mo na kakayanin magtiwala at all. Sabi mo hindi ka gumagawa ng move to damage our relationship. Hindi ka nakikipagmingle sa mga taong pwedeng maging threat satin. But I think that's wrong. All the more na dapat ka makipagmingle and kindly let them down because you are committed to me or baka mahanap mo yung taong para sayo. Nasabi mo na sakin na hindi mo na ko mahal, that you don't feel lucky to be with me. Those are just different words but what you're really trying to say is that you are no longer happy. You always felt that you've wronged me and that explaining yourself to me became a burden to you. Wala akong dinemand sayo kahit kelan. Oras at atensyon mo lang. Na parang sobrang hirap para sayo na ibigay. You once told me that I am your queen. Anong nangyari hon? But then, hindi okay, but I will get over it. Sorry.

I can walk again..

For a very long time, I can't walk normally. I can't walk properly. I have this dragging feeling on the left side of my body. I feel like a huge burden is in my holders. Literally. I finally went to the chiropractor yesterday. After some questions and assessments, the diagnosis was I have problem in my lower back and neck and that I had to go through Decompression, Correction and Dry Needling.

The Decompression was a procedure where they are pulling my spine and realign it again so that the 'gel' between them stops hitting some nerves that caused my discomfort in moving and walking. They too my weight, I forgot to ask why though. Then they had me lie down in a medical bed and strapped me in then had my legs up. I felt the pulling but it was not painful, it just felt like normal pull, like someone is pulling your head. After it, I felt much better, like a lot of weight was shed off the left side of my body

After that, I underwent a procedure called Correction. The chiropractor cracked my neck and spine to correct my posture. He also did some pulling to realign my legs because apparently, my left leg is really longer than my right leg. I felt very much unburdened at that time. It was like I was carrying so much weight on my shoulders. He didn't even touched my shoulders, just  my neck and spine.

Then I went through Dry Needling. According to Google, Dry needling, also known as myofascial trigger point dry needling,^[1][2][3][4] is the use of either solid filiform needles or hollow-core hypodermic needles for therapy of muscle pain, including pain related to myofascial pain syndrome. Dry needling is sometimes also known as intramuscular stimulation (IMS).^[1]

Chinese style tendinomuscular acupuncture relies on careful palpation of what are called "Ah Shi" points, which often correspond to both trigger points and/or motor points in the myofascial tissue. Chinese style tendinomuscular acupuncture tends to use lower gauge (thicker) needles necessary for puncturing contraction knots with a high degree of precision. On the other hand, lighter styles of acupuncture, such as Japanese style, and many American styles, may tend towards very shallow insertions of higher gauge (thinner) needles. Most acupuncture styles, especially those with lighter techniques, require a detailed knowledge, not only of anatomy but also of the channel networks and connections. Thus, while some forms of acupuncture are not at all the same as dry needling, the term dry needling can refer quite specifically to what is now called Myofascial Acupuncture, Tendinomuscular Acupuncture, or some version of Sports Acupuncture.

The procedure was not that painful for me, but the painfulness varies upon the age and pain tolerance. The physical therapist did my lower back and neck. She said this was to release some tension in my muscle that weren't caught in the other procedures I have undergone.

Today, I feel more inn control with y body. I feel excited whenever I can do things that I was not able to do for a very long time. Earlier, I tried going down the stairs like how normal people would do it. I was able to do it. But my father warned me to not over do it because I might wear off my body. 

As of this writing, I am sitting straight up, I don't have back pains and I don't feel tingling in my hands. I still look down because I got to it but apparently my Nystagmus i also cured but I have a poor eyesight so I still wear the glasses.

Btw, the earphones and weighing scale I ordered was delivered today. It's an exciting day! I'm looking forward to walking and running whenever I want to and do the things that I can't do before especially, the things that I have to do.

Midnight thoughts

Alam mo ba hon, sa totoo lang, nahihirapan akong lumapit sayo. Minsan, magsasabi ako ng nararamdaman ko and you will just dismiss it or interrupt me. Gusto kong magsumbong sayo, sabihin sayo mga thoughts ko or the lack of it, kausapin ka kc kailangan ko ng makikinig sa mga thoughts ko, o kaya marinig at makasama ka lang bilang ikaw nalang kc yung pinagkakatiwalaan ko ngayon. Tinatanong mo sakin dati bakit sa iba ako nagsasabi ng tungkol satin? Siguro kasi hindi ka nakikinig sakin. Hindi mo ko pinapakinggan. Yung gusto mo lang yung pwede natin pag-usapan. O kaya mas marami ka lang ibang dapat unahin. Hindi ko na alam kung andyan ka lang ba pag gusto ko na magsalita. Bakit yung mga kaibigan mo, ang daling makalapit at makapagsabi ng problema nila sayo at andyan ka lang para makinig pero ako na gf mo, hindi ka nakikinig? Bakit hindì ko maramdaman na mahal mo talaga ako? When you told me you don't love me anymore, that scarred me and since that day, di ko na naramdaman ulit na mahal mo nga ako.

When I talk about other people, intro lang yun to me about to talk about myself, what I did within the day. Pag nagkkwento ka about work, employees nyo and officemates, pinapakinggan kita kc andun yung mga ginawa mo within the day. I want to hear what you did within the day, at least dun nakainclude man lang ako sa buhay mo.

Sabi mo, nung may work ako or nung busy ako, di ako emotional. Tingin mo kc wala akong trabaho ngayon, ang dami kong napapansin. Mali ka dun. You have our conversations, pwede mo iverify. Feb. 13 ka nagtext sakin na ako pa rin. Prior to that, wag ka magalit dito, vague ang status natin. Yung mga sumunod na araw, palagi na ko may sakit, tapos resignation. Di ko na matandaan yung mga nangyari ng march, april na ulit, nung day before  bday mo, tinawagan mo ko. Tapos may nag-away tayo.

Sorry, sumasabog yung thoughts and emotions ko ngayon. Hindi ko talaga kaya ng tahimik lang. I don't blame you at all. Pinipili ko pa rin naman na bumalik sayo kahit nagkakasakitan lang tayo kc mahal pa rin kita. Sinasabi ko 'to kc baka lang hindi mo alam. Mahal kita. Dapat no expectations. Pwede bang sayo lang ako habang hindi pa nangyayari yung sinasabi mo? Kahit hindi mo ko mahal, okay lang. Ikaw lang naman gusto ko eh.

If it hurts, it's gone.

In 2018, it’s all about finding a spiritual connection and exchange with someone special. 2017 was filled with meaningless flings and dead-end connections. The new year will be just the opposite. You are beginning to focus more on emotional bonds and deeper connections with your romantic pursuits. You’ll focus less on good looks, and more on good character.

I hope that I find it in myself the courage to do it alone. I am going to Our Lady of Manaoag with Jessie tomorrow. Just like I before starting my Bar journey last year, I am going to ask for guidance in fulfilling my responsibilities this year without looking back from the past and to be able to withstand every struggle that is sent my way to strengthen me.

Good bye

You said you are not lucky to have me in your life. Well, that explains and answers a lot of question in my mind. I believe you. I don't deserve to be in your life. I just make things hard for you. Kahit sa sex, I don't satisfy you. Kaya ako nalang yung magdedecide umalis nalang sa buhay mo. Mas okay ka in that way.

This is not some self pity-ing message. It's final. Thank you. Sorry for the mess. Good bye.

Losing you

“Because losing someone isn't an occasion or an event. It doesn't just happen once. It happens over and over again.”

I miss you. I want to talk to you, tell you how my day went. My plans. But as always, when we talk, ikaw lang magsasalita. I miss your voice.

I will let myself sulk for the mean time. I will let my heart feel the pain. Ang then I will stand up again.

Vent below..

"Day 5 or 6 since the break up, di pa rin ako makapaniwala. So many things running in my mind. Dildo ba yung dahilan? What happened on the 30th? Blur tapos the end na, ano yun? San galing yung hypothetical questions mo? Anong ugat nun? Ang dami ko lang naiisip that would be apt reactions nung 29th nung 1st time mo pinasok mo yung dildo mo sakin para lang maisip mo na hindi ako nagenjoy. Nov. 24, nagsex tayo, 26th inaaway mo ko. Buti nalang last Sunday. Nov. 28-29, magkasama tayo, 30th, inaaway mo nanaman ako. Dec. 7 inaway mo ko, kc busy ako sa bridal shower ng kapatid ko at di man lang kita naaalala. Wow. Dec. 8, pinuntahan pa kita para makuha ko sayo yung matinong sagot kung break na tayo, sex pa rin. Dec. 12, inaaway mo nanaman ako. Hilig mong tapusin ng bigla lang. Ako pa rin umayos. Pero di naman aayos yun kung di ka nakipagcooperate db? Dec. 22, inaaway mo nanaman ako. Tapos na kasal ng kapatid ko pero bakit busy pa din ako at gising ng madalong araw. Hello, simbang gabi? Dec. 27, birthday ni mama. Utang na loob. Nung bday ng nanay mo, inistorbo ba kita? Mag-isa ako sa dorm lagi, iniistorbo ba kita? Dec. 29, pagod ako, pero kc kahapon pa kita gusto makasama, kahit sana january na yung sex. Dec. 30, anong nangyari? But still, ending break pa din.

Seriously, these are the reasons why I can't feel that you love me. Even before your issue. You do things on your own way and time. You don't consider my opinion, only those that will be beneficial to you. You are selfish. Sabi mo you consider my pleasure, but you don't really listen. Before we got together in 2016, you wanted me to consider you as my partner. Db pag partner, dapat co-equal?  Bakit nawalan ako ng say when it comes to us? Sabi mo bestfriend mo ko. Pero bat ganun, mas mabait ka pa kina Vanie kesa sakin. Babalik ka sakin pag sobrang lungkot mo, masama pakiramdam mo o kaya naglilibog ka. Pero pag ako yung ganyan, aawayin mo lang ako. The only time I felt that you were concerned with what I really feel, nung kay Ruth na hnd ako ganun kaaffected. You are a friend to anyone who needs you pero wala pag kailangan kita. Dec. 15, 2016, sabi mo, di mo na ko mahal. Ayoko maniwala. But deep in my heart I felt it. June palang. Nakakatakot. Mahal na kita eh. Ang daya. Di ko naman ginusto yung sitwasyon na 'to pero naiwan pa rin ako. After the break up nung August, mahal pa rin kita pero sabi ko di na ko aasa. Okay sa walang label basta anjan ka. Anong magagawa ko, mahal na mahal kita eh. May, bumagsak ako ng bar, galit na galit ako sayo na kahit man lang kaibigan, maisip mo na nasaktan ako. Pero wala, ako pala kupal. July, bumalik ka, tinanggap kita. Sa kabila ng lahat, mas matindi yung pagmamahal ko sayo kesa galit ko. Di kita minadali. Di ako umasang magiging tayo ulit. Gusto lang kitang tulungang maging masaya na at tsaka gusto ko maibalik ka sa Diyos kahit wag na sakin
 Di ko na alam kung kelan parang tayo na ulit. Pero sabi ko, pag umalis ka, wag ka ng babalik. Bar month, nag-bar ka pala, sa iba ko pa nalaman. Wow! Eto nanaman sya, selfish. Ang dami nanamang tumakbo sa utak mo na hnd ko gagawin. Nakahanda na kalimutan lahat ng tao para lang sayo pero ang lakas lagi ng duda mo sakin at wala kang tiwala. Ilang beses mo ginusto umalis pero pinipilit kita lagi bumalik. Nung ako yung umaalis, kahit kelan di mo ko pinabalik. Sabi mo, natuto kang umalis, matuto kang bumalik. Asan ka ngayon? Oo nga pala, di ka na nga kc babalik. 

Nabasa ko, Aries people daw are going to be busy this year and they have no time for love. So tama lang pala that you freed yourself from me. Hindi pala 'to okay. Naiinis pa rin ako but wth mapipilit ba kita pag ayaw mo na? It's the one thing I'm certain about you. God bless us.

P.S. I'll probably still vent out but your email is filtered so it's like you can't read my messages. 😉"

I sent this message to her kaninang madaling araw. I don't know kung nababasa nya but after that mas kalmado na ko. Umiiyak ako habang ginagawa ko 'to eh. Alam ko hindi pa 'to yung lahat.

Galit ako? Siguro oo. Matagal ko nalang pinigiĺ. Siguro ikaw din. It's the little things na nagpile up na. Sa estado natin ngayon, di ko alam kung magiging masaya pa ba tayo? Alam ko lang mahal na mahal kita pero di mo ko mahal at hindi kia na babalik, pero hindi ko pinagsisihan na nagbreak tayo at itong mga pinagsasabi ko sayo, kelangan mo malaman yung mga yun kahit pa magalit ka sakin. Sobrang tagal kita inintindi. Kahit masakit, ok lang kc ayokong mag-away pa tayo. Tumagal kayo ni Val ng 11 yrs, baka kasi hindi ka na nya iniintindi, di porket di kayo nag-aaway, ok kayo, ilang beses ka niloko ni Val? Ako nga, blunt ako, sinasabi ko sayo kung anong ayaw ko, di ka lang naniniwala at nakikinig at pinagbibintangan mo pa ko na niloko ka, ni hindi ko nga kayang gawin yun kahit sa ibang tao, sayo pa kaya? Hindi mo ko iniisip, puro sarili mo lang. Selfless ka, siguro sa ibang tao pero pagdating sa relasyon natin, hanep, ikaw lang nasusunod. Kung kelan tayo magkikita, san lang tayo pwede pumunta o kung kelan tayo dapat mag-usap. Lalo na yung punyetang titi na yan! Sino ba kasing gagang nagtanim sa utak mo nun na kelangan mo nun para maging kumpletong tao ka?! Nung minahal kita, tinanggap ko kung ano at sino ka, lahat ng kaya at di mo kaya ibigay. Alam ko kung ano at sino ka at hanggang saan ang kaya mo ibigay lalo na pag gusto mo yun ibigay. Despite all that, never ako naghanap ng iba. Oo, kinukwento kita sa iba kc nakikinig at naniniwala sila. Iniintindi nila yung pinanggagalingan ko. It doesnt mean kami sila sakin. Hindi mo alam kung paano ako magkwento sa iba. Di ka nga nila kilala eh.

Ang bilis mo magjudge pagdating sakin. Pero yung sarili mo di mo naassess.

Bakit ko sinasabi 'to sayo eh alam kong di ka na babalik at di mo talaga ako mahal? Simple, maawa ka sa susunod sakin. Malamang yung susunod na seryoso mo, mas mamahalin ka, mas pagpapasensyahan ka at iintindihin yung mga ugali mong mahirap magets pero sana pumasok ka ng buo ang loob na magcommit at mas habaan mo pa pasensya mo sa knya. Sinabi ko sayo ayoko na mapalitan mo ko pero wala naman ako magagawa pag nangyari na yun. Ingat ka lagi.