Another Friendship Failed.. Another Blessing in Disguise?

And for the nth time.. I have another failed friendship.. Really, what's going on? Or what's with me.. Urgh..

Today, I asked Diana (my classmate) why she was ignoring me last tuesday and also why she's not able to look me in the eyes today when we saw each other. She said, she doesn't want to deceive me anymore.

This is what she really told me thru text:

"Xgeh d2 q na sbhn.. Mgging honest na q, Unang dhlan dhl ngtmpo xken xobra ang grupo ko dhl sobra aqong lapt sau, aware k nman xguo na ayaw nla xau.. ok lng sna un, e peo kc ang d q matake ay yang atityud mu... Alam mu namang d q gus2 ugli ni honey, mgkaprehas pla kau, isa pa cnadya q dn ung pagbulabog ng 2l0g mu,s0ri, huh!, ayst...Pxnxa na d q gus2ng plztikn k kya lau n lng aq..."

I say, WTF! Why the hell would I deserve this kind of treatment? all of them were really pissing me. And I can't talk back. I mean, I can't right? It's not appropriate to talk back and besides I can't change her, she already has decided. Why the hell am I like this? Or what the hell is wrong with me? why are all the people I love's been ditching me? It's not like I have done something grave. I swear what the f***?!!! I really don't know what's happening..

It wasn't like I was asking for our exclusivity. It wasn't like I'm asking her to get out of her group and join me to sulk in my misery. It wasn't like I was asking her to give me advices on my problems. It wasn't like I told her to just be friends with me and ditch her other friends. It wasn't like I was owning her.

NO!! It wasn't like that!

All I want is for her to be a friend to me. To be a listener when I can't take it anymore. To be able to pray for me when everything fails and I've got no one to back me up. All I want is for her to be there when I look back and needed a hug because I've been frightened of what's in front of me. All I want is for her to be there when I need her and also to be there for her when she's the one in need.

I'm not asking much..

I just her want to be a true friend to me because I really need one because we both agree that it's really hard to find real friends in the four walls of our classroom.. Everybody's being a fake, including us. I thought we agreed on this but I was wrong.

I realized, I have really few friends but nonetheless, these few haven't left me since the day we met until now. They are true to me, and I can feel it my bones. They met me at my best, they saw me thru my weakest and they've gone with me thru my worst yet they stood by me, with firm love and understanding.

Thanks friends, who's always been there for me thru it all. You know who you are..:)

Yes, I am hurt, but still, I am thankful that this event happened to me now. I believe that God is up to something great for me. He's molding me into someone greater, someone more awesome than I thought I could be because I can feel it. The molding and crafting really hurts for now, but I know I still have to endure it to enjoy myself better and also to serve and love more people in better way that I can.

Just like an exquisite vase, the potter breaks an old pot into pieces, heats it in a high temperature and molds it to be the best shape it could be.

I am the vase and God is my potter..

Randomness on my 20th..

It's my 20th birthday today. And the clock says it's 2 am now. I really want to sleep but because I am to engrossed with the situations that are happening in my life, I want to think about it thoroughly. These situations are causing my life to be always gloomy. I don't really know what's happening to me now.

My heart, it's really burdened right now. Everything's been suffocating me to the point that I literally can't breathe. I pretty much wanted to cry ever since the first time I was hurt or I felt pain but no tears would come out of my tear ducts. I guess things aren't really much worth crying for nut still my heart is so heavy. So heavy that I can't contain any emotions that would hurt me again.

My mind, it's to cluttered. I've been trying to do a lot of thinking to analyze all the things that has been clogging my heart and mind. I've been trying to figure out if everything that has been happening to me or that caused my pain and my continuous sufferings are interconnected or has commonalities on them. I can't think straight. My thoughts would always drift away to unwanted memories and unpure thoughts thus blocking all the happy thoughts and memories in my mind.

I'm sad, incredibly sad, I;ve been like this for most of my life and I just can't seem to do my way out of this crap. I haven't found and done what I really want in my life. I wasn't allowed to do everything that I want to do because of certain boundaries and beliefs. Maybe if I breakfree, if I breakloose, all that's been bothering me, all that's been burdening me, all that's cluttering in my mind, all that's clogging in my heart would be gone and I'll be able to be happy again. I'll be able to live my life again. Maybe. Someday.

The problem with me is that I am always restricted by a box. I am so scared to take risks that if I do something, if I say something, I'd regret it for the rest of my life. I don't want that anymore. I wamt to break loose. I want to be me. I want to be the real me.

Randomness..

I really don't know why and how I am able to think clear today. I haven't slept yet and my head is still spinning because of a tiring MakMan class and an annoying and confusing HBO class.

I have no idea unto how I'm able to handle such emotional disturbances this past weeks. My heart has been in to roller coaster these days and I'm just tired to process everything.

A friend told me that she got raped and I don't know how to accept or react to that. Especially because that person is close to me and I love her. I just don't know how to make her feel that nothing has changed and that I still love and respect her.

It's hard to always absorb the sadness of people around me while there's no one whole do it for me when I'm the one who's sad. I need someone who'll talk me out in all the clutters in my mind, someone who can relate and that I don't need to relate everything that has happened because she's involved. I just don't what to do. I might breakdown if I won't let it out. And I'm just thankful that I have blogs like this.

And my prayer life, super struggle for me. With all that's going in my mind, I think I don't have the right mind to pray. I can't hink clearly and I'm dying to get myself to do the things that I want to do and not those that are pre-requisites. I'm definitely in lost right. I just know that I really need help right now..

(SIGH..)

I won't fight back..

“Hay gurl, mahalin mo kasi muna yung sarili mo bago ka magmahal ng iba, striking words from a friend. She thinks that I love other people more than I love myself? I really don’t know. Alright, I tend to give a lot of effort in loving others because that’s what I’ve learned, that’s who I am and that’s how I glorify my God.

Maybe in the ordinary world, this kind of love doesn’t exist. Loving with all your heart, still loving while they make you suffer, loving the unlovable, doing what’s right yet still loving is what I’ve learned, is what I’ve grown to do and what I think is the most appropriate thing to do.

I don’t easily freak out. I don’t shout when I am mad. I don’t get mad easily and I forgive even without asking for an apology. This is me. Why can’t they accept it? I don’t want to fight back even if it means that I am weak because for me it’s the most loving way to do.

I often think that it’s not my problem if I and they can’t get along well. There are just people who won’t accept others as who they are, that’s fine with me. I don’t have to fight back just because people can’t get along with me and they just want to become my foes.

I just don’t want to fight back. And besides, fighting back is an inhuman act. It shows that you don’t have any breeding at all. Fighting back means I am affected to what they are doing to me and thus stooping to their low level. I don’t want to be branded as a delinquent. If all the fights should have an equal reaction there won’t be an end to every fight.

This is me. I don’t fight. I don’t get mad easily. I don’t stoop to low levels. But I am sensitive. So whatever problems have with me, I easily detect it. I can feel if they are just faking their friendship with me or not. I think I’m doubtful ever since, I am just hiding the fact by saying I have a big trust on you. But the bigger trust I give you, the bigger is my doubt for you.

I wish.. If only..

I always feel like I’m being used, that I am being violated by people. They pretend to be true to me where in fact they just wanted to use me. I often think that I am greater than them. That they are just a bunch of idiots who also think that they can look down on me, use me and make fun of me.

I sometimes think that I am a bit hard on them because of giving that impression but I think it’s just how they make me feel that strengthens the feeling of being violated and so used up.

Sometimes, I just wanna be a bad person. Try to ignore them or say things that I don’t usually say or be more indifferent and cold towards them. I want to just yell at them when I get mad like most people would probably do if they get mad. I want to show them that I can get mad to. I want them to treat me seriously like I am someone so important that they won’t even entertain the idea of trying to make me mad. I want them to respect me. I want them to look up on me.

I always feel that they just neglect me. They think that I won’t get mad. Just because I say it’s okay, they do it on purpose several times thinking that things would probably okay with me, like breaking my trust, saying stupid things about me, talking behind my back and using me.

Probably that’s the problem with me. I often say “it’s okay”, so people always think that it really is okay. Maybe if I just happen to break free and burst out, they would understand me fully.

I just wish that they would take me seriously and be more sensitive when it comes to me because I can’t seem to be able to say that things aren’t really okay. If only they can read this. IF ONLY..

Dark Aura

I always feel like I am emitting a dark aura. It’s like I tell people to go away and to not be close to me. I always feel sad that people may think that they may catch my being all too emotional. But I can’t help it. I am just too lonely. I don’t even want to trace the cause of it but I know for a fact that I am so lonely.

Ever since, loneliness has been my security blanket. I’ve been lonely for most of my life because I fail to acknowledge every cause of my bitterness. I fail to acknowledge the reason why my heart always skips a bit when I am badmouthed and when I get hurt. Or maybe, I fail to block all the negativities around me and I am easy to be hurt.

I don’t know really, but I think I am emitting a dark aura. All the pretence, all the fake smiles, all the pretentious laughs that I put up to show them that I am okay are the things that makes me sad. I always try my best to be liked by people. I always try my best not to hurt them by any means. And it was because of those things that I failed to be real and true to myself. I became much sadder and sadder each day until the sadness has become unbearable to the point that I’m drowning in it.

Until now I don’t know what to do about it. I still feel that I emit a dark aura but I don’t want people to walk away from me. I want them to be happy. I want to feel that I am loved by them. I want to feel an endless happiness that would make all the loneliness in my heart fade away like it hasn’t really happened.

In Love

Funny, I don’t know how many times I have fallen in love and got heartbroken. I can’t seem to remember when the 1st time I fell truly in love was. I can’t date it back to grade school. I kind of liked a lot of guys that time but those were just crushes. It can’t be mistaken as love because I was young then.

My first love, I think is my best friend, Jan Brian Kristoffer Soliven. He was my classmate for two years in high school. He is branded as the ultimate playboy together with Sherwin Salceda. I don’t really know why we became best friends. The only thing I can remember was that he used to sit beside me, chat with me, tell me his problems (love,family) and joke around and laugh with me like nobody else can. I saw him court girls and also got heartbroken for awhile when they break u like it was an SOP to get depressed about a break up when he was the one who initiated it. He would always tell me who his prospects were and he would also ask for my opinions, analysis and approval on to which one would he hit on first. When I was doing that, at the back of my mind I was asking myself, “what was I doing?” He’s going to go again. He’ll never be mine. He’ll just be my bestfriend. And truly it was, he only became my best friend and after a year we parted ways. Our batch mates would always criticize him but still I stand by him because I was able to see the real part of him which others won’t see even his girls.

I loved Brian for almost the whole of my high school days, it’s just so sad that we can’t be friends forever. At our final year in high school, no communication was made between us and I’ve gotten involved into other stuff as YFC, so I’ve grown to like working outside the campus.

That was then when I met my first boyfriend, John Ivan Mantiquilla. We were YFC’s and he was my chapter head. I thought I love him. Now that I think about it, I really wasn’t in love with him, I was just enthralled to feeling of being loved because the heart break from Brian was unbearable. I just wanted to tell myself at that time that I am over and done with Brian and that I can prove everyone that I can get myself a boyfriend if I want. Our relationship lasted for two months because of some complications in our families and service. We broke up. We haven’t had a decent and civil communication until we were in third year college. We are now both leading our lives the way it should be. He’s happy with his girl and I am happy yet searching for that someone who’ll make me feel that heaven is here on earth.
College life went on. I liked a lot of guys, mostly my brothers in YFC. I don’t really know if what I felt for them was real so now I refrain from saying I truly love them. Among those are, Kois Roxas, Miko Ramoso, Glen Charles Lopez and Marc Ycaro. I thought I love them but no.

Here comes another one that I think I felt real love in. He’s name is Mark Alvin Yagaya. He is a brother in YFC and the exact of what I dreaded to fall for. He is a SIGA member (less fortunate). He is full of himself even if he doesn’t admit it. When he talks I get hurt. And I think he is dumb. But I fell hard for him. I loved him for most of my college life. But he didn’t like me. Even for a friend I won’t pass. Our relationship was a plain you’re-my-sister-you’re-my-brother-no-more-no-less relationship. I chose to love him even if felt that I am just mocking myself. Because I love the feeling of being in love or the feeling of having someone to regard as someone you love.

Now I admit, I am over and done with Alvin now. He is n longer in my heart, because someone has come to replace him in it. This is my first time, after so many years, to love a person not in the community. I don’t want to say that I love him now. But I feel something for him. He is Mark Lester Gerardo, my classmate. I treat him as a brother because he’s older than me. I have forbidden myself to fall for him because that would mean losing another brother again. Also because someone was courting him and she was also our friend. I also tried not to fall for him because he said he doesn’t want to fall in love yet because of his past relationship failure.
I love the feeling of being in love. I love the feeling of having someone to be regarded as the one you love. I want to experience true love in God’s time because God said, true love waits. I bet I’ll have my love story anytime soon.