Day 8 of Journalling

Today, I noticed that it is Monday and I purposely did not get up at 5 am, when I set my alarm last night. I purposely forget about my why. Why do I need to get up at 5 am? Is it because I am copying Amy Landino? It is because I wanted to seem that I have my life together?

I do. I want to seem that I have my life together that is why I copy Amy Landino because she is such a major inspiration for me right now. That is why I try to wake up at 5 am.

But what is really my why? Why do I wake up at 5 am? Why do I have to wake up at 5 am?

I think this is not about waking up early. This is about making my time useful. My body clock wakes me at 6am if I slept at 10pm or if I sleep at 12am, my body wakes me at 8 am. But right now, I wake Alex up so I get up at 6am.

Maybe, I need to get up too when she gets up and takes a bath. Since I cannot seem to manage to do anything now, other than scroll through social media if I have not taken a bath.

I have been meaning to launch my website soon but I have not been able to because I do not have enough content yet. I have also been meaning to write a novel or a book. I think when I heard Gretchen Rubin, she inspired automatically. Actually, it was Mel Robbins that got me to write again but it was Gretchen Rubin that affirmed it. I wanted to go into self-help but not a lot of Filipino Youtubers are into self-help or most Youtubers that I follow about self-help are foreign?

I've encountered this job at onlinejobs.oh. It is a good thing they are prepared to pay for the trial period. I have been looking for a paying writing job ever since I have decided to do writing as a full-time job while I think pursuing my passion for writing. I still need to learn so much about content creation, writing, and SEO. Soon, I will be able to launch my website and my podcast.

Day 7 of Journalling

Today, I noticed more of the things that annoy me. I hate meeting people accidentally especially those that know me from my childhood. Earlier this day, I have gone to mass and as I was heading there, I was stopped by someone who is friends with my mother. I hate that she asked me if I am a lawyer and if I was the one who took up law. She also asked what my sister finished in college. In the church, I met some schoolmate's mother. I think she doesn't want to talk to me either so I am grateful for that. It just annoys me to have to be reminded of my pasts when I have not started with my future. I hated having to explain why I went to law school, why I am not yet a lawyer, and why I do not want to be one anymore. It is just that I hate small talks. Like earlier at mass, I was thinking if my schoolmate's mother will hold my hand during the Ama Namin. My anxiety is high whenever I accidentally see people, like, I am not prepared for this. I always feel drained all the time whenever I see people I do not feel like seeing, especially, spending time with people that I do not want to spend time with.

Why did I get fat?

 

I was not fat per se. I was always overweight. I think I started being overweight when I was in Grade 4 of elementary school. But of course, I was always categorized as fat because when I look back, my classmates were malnourished back then and they just started to get fat when they were in college and then working.

I remembered, when I entered law school in 2011, I was not that fat yet. I was still overweight because I am 5'2" and I weigh 155-160 lbs. at that time.

After that, year by year, my weight increased due to stress eating, emotional eating, lack of exercise, lack of physical and emotional attachment and care to the people and the world around me. I just noticed one day that I got sick. I do not have a balance. I have very poor eyesight, hearing and speech. My sickness was not diagnosed but I remember taking herbal medication for that to feel better but my condition was not getting any better.

I graduated in 2016 and immediately reviewed and took the bar but I flunked 3 times after that. I also got into a relationship where she pretty much did not want to see me. She even said, and I have not told this to anyone. Even my new partner now doesn't want to see my body, only my face. I took then as her just protecting and respecting me but now I just think that she does not want to look at me. We broke up in 2018 but the last time we saw each other was in 2017. This relationship was so toxic that it took a toll on my overall state, especially my mental state. My confidence was broken. My ego was broken. My faith in anything was broken. All my relationships are broken.

In 2018, I decided to change my lifestyle. I decided I wanted something to change for myself. My body did change but my mental state was the same. I lost weight because I was listening so much to the voices around me and of course, my exes influence was still in my head. I changed because of her, in the hopes of eventually having her again. But she did not come back. She'll text or call me intermittently but we are not back together.

In 2019, I got into a relationship with my current partner, Alex. I am in a lesbian relationship, by the way, if you have not figured out that yet. I got my confidence and ego back. I have already had my personality in place. I have regained my sense of self back even before I got into a relationship. I did know who I was alone. But that has just solidified when I got together with Alex. She just nurtures, loves and cares for me.

But as we go deeper into the relationship, we got fatter and fatter together. And I could not balance and walk alone anymore because of this weight gain. I have been noticing that I had nystagmus again where my eyeballs twitch uncontrollably. I have a hard time breathing when climbing stairs and my lower back and feet hurt when I walk for even just 1 km.

I really need to get back in shape again. Especially now that I wanted to live longer and stay with Alex for the rest of my life.

As of writing this, I was wondering if I still have feelings for my ex. I got a call from Alex and we talked about this. I guess my problem is that she does not believe or trust yet that I will not trade a very healthy relationship that we have right now over a toxic one. I may have loved my ex but I do not want to undergo all those again and I just do not want to be with the kind of person that she is. It is good for her if she has changed but that is not for me anymore. I am happy with Alex right now. I am very grateful that I get to be loved by her. I get to love her. And I get to be with her, hopefully for the rest of our lives.

Day 6 of Journalling

Today, I noticed that it hasn't stopped raining since last night. I'm still thinking about whether there are classes today. I never paid attention to if there is a suspension in Pasig. I had always looked at Manila since I was a student there for 9 years and I reviewed for 2 years in Ne Manila. That is near Manila. I lived in Manila too for 6 or 7 months. I saw that Yorme Isko already suspended the classes. I did not see any announcement from Mayor Vico.

I'm a bit frustrated about Mayor Vico, however, it's just August.

I'm just so lazy to go out right now and to do anything at all. I'm just watching Youtube videos and drinking coffee. I have decided not to join my parents to the family appointment with El Shaddai, however, I must take a bath and go to the church tomorrow. I feel that not taking a bath hinders me from doing the tasks that I want to do and kind of just makes me lazy in general. I think I have to get up and take a bath and do the morning things that I need to do to get me pumped up for the day before I wake Alex up. This will apply to when we are finally living together.

It is looking sunny outside and I am feeling guilty that I did not join my parents so I closed my curtain to create an illusion that it is still dark. I actually wanted to open my curtains when I sleep so that I can let the sunlight in when I wake up without opening the windows and having to listen to the early morning chat of my neighbors outside but my room is directly looking through another window that keeps their lights on at night, probably their living room, because that is what we do too, so I cannot open it since I would not be able to sleep.

I really wanted to do condo living since I do not want neighbors. And I am in a lesbian relationship. It will just be us. No kids. I do not want any pets. Alex and I do not want any kids because we want to travel a lot. She also knows that I do not want to take care of anything or worry about anything only her we would not have any pets.

I know a lot of people but I don't know if I have even 10 "friends" in the deep sense of that word. We might have known each other at some point in our lives, shared some moments, but, are you really my friend or have I been a true friend to you or are we friends or even just connected (not in a digital sense)?

I finally decided to just open the windows to my room to let the natural light in. I think I will take a bath too since I do not feel like doing anything anymore. It is just clear that I will not do any work today but I want to just chill but in this room, it is not going to work.

The sun is full shining outside and I feel so awful for not going with my parents to Amvel. Although, I feel a little bit well since I ate. I do not really feel hunger when you are sitting down but when I get up, the world is spinning. I had my first real meal for the day after taking a bath. I feel and smell gross. Ever since I turned 29 or ever since I saw Rowena Tsai's video about being a productive potato ( I did not know such term exists), I refuse to just be a couch potato and not just do anything like just taking a bath. I think that helps with my overall mood. It is like taking a bath will wake me up and get me to do things.

I watched this Youtube video of Lilian talking about her sexuality, she is bisexual. In a sense, I identify with her explanation of bisexuality, however, I do not identify with any gender identity in the LGBTQIA spectrum.

Alex is a hard butch lesbian. At the moment, I am not attracted to anybody. I am never attracted to anybody when I am committed to a relationship. I love her.

I am listening to Detail Therapy and I am already pretty moved by Amy Landino in AmyTV, what she talks about, what she does, but, now I am listening to her inspirations Mel Robbins and Gretchen Rubin. And they are both lawyers. This is so enlightening and affirming that I am on the right track. I do not want to be that old and figure out that I do not want to be lawyering. Right now, I have failed the bar three times and I think that is God's way of saying that lawyering is not for me. I really wanted to write a book. But I do not what I want to write about.

Day 5 of Journalling

Today, I noticed that I have become "fat" again. I was obese but I am still overweight but I noticed today that my fats are more noticeable. It began while I was scanning through my photos for the photos of the twins together. I had to go through my pictures through months. My overweight wasn't noticeable in April. I am so obsessed with my appearance, not really about being narcissistic. However, I wanted to look and be my best for the future. I wanted to live a healthy and full life that is why I wanted to slim down a bit. My body measure goal is to fit in a medium size. I am currently at extra-large. I don't know why I am having a hard time slimming down now. I have been doing what I did before. I think I have to go to the doctor to find out. But right now, I don't have the money yet.

When I went downstairs to eat, Kathleen asked me how old is she now. It's their birthday today since she's a twin. She has a twin sister Katherine. Kathleen has been the closest to me over all of the four siblings. She always wants to play and talk to me even though I am not cable. I bought them a cake since their dad said they'll have a cake when they are 7 years old. This is my gift to them even though I don't have money or even work yet.

I should be time batching and organizing my schedule. I saw Milanote in the video that I watched on Youtube. It's becoming unproductive for me because I have so many tabs opened and I tend to change through tabs and then forget that I was doing something. I hope this app helps me focus.

I haven't done brainstorming yet.

This is frustrating. I do not know what to do or put in the Milanote. I just have all these ideas that I wanted to be doing but I don't know where to start.

Day 4 of Journalling

Today, I noticed I was calmer when I wake up at my own pace and I am not rushed by anything. Of course, I was a bit annoyed when Mama shouted that they were about to go to the funeral. I went back to sleep. I was only again woken up by my alarm but at that time, I was already ready to wake up.

I got an email for an SEO job. I know SEO but I don't know how to. I talked to Alex. She said I should prepare first before answering the email. Good thing we have Skillshare now.

I decided to clean my room and reorganize the furniture AGAIN. I also wanted to try on the wallpaper. I managed to cover one wall and decided to reorganize the furniture. It sucks! My idea was that I was to position my work area facing back from my bed so that I won't get tempted to be lazy. This is kind of when I was looking for positions for my study table so that I can't be lazy to study only I am lazy by nature since I was not enjoying that anymore. I enjoy writing. I enjoy reading. I enjoy speaking.

Magic of New Beginnings..

 It's already a cliche, talking about the magic of new beginnings. A lot has mentioned this when they are about to change their life and that's pretty much what I wanted to do. At the beginning of 2019, devastated from a recently (not really recent because it has been 11 months since the relationship ended) and frustrated about not living the life that I imagined living since I wanted to the things I was not able to do when I was still in law school. I vowed to do them in 2019. Well, that relationship ended in February 2018 but I still kind of lingered for a couple of months and still lingered but no longer expected for her to come back. Anyway, as early as December 2018, I decided I will no longer have connections with my ex anymore and just focus on creating the life that I want. When 2019 started, I listed some goals that I wanted to achieve within the course of the year or by the end the year.

With each step, it becomes easier to walk away from the norm. And I can say it is really hard. You will disappoint and offend a lot of people, especially those that are supporting your current lifestyle, those that love you no matter what, but at the end of it all, what really matter and what is important is that you are happy with the choices, steps and decisions you make. The beginning is always the hardest but it gets easier with every decision. And with every win, something in you solidifies and you become happy as you walk away to a happy life.

It's the last day of July today, my sister's birthday, however, I am feeling a bit frustrated because it has been three months that I am unemployed. I do not know exactly when but I decided to just go full-time with freelancing. Applying was not a problem, however, I was having a hard time getting up and going to interviews whenever I have an appointment. It's particularly hard because I don't have money. I think all my money went to set up my Singapore Trip this August 16-19, but I also did not want to go out and interact with people other than my family and Alex.

I'm thinking whether I was still depressed because this resembled what happened in 2017 after I learned that I flunked the Bar. However, this is a different case now. I really did not want to interact with people just because I did not like people in general. It is not like before when I was in hiding because I was avoiding the topic of me flunking the Bar at that time. I read that when you are lonely, it is more likely that you wanted to be alone. That was me before, I always wanted to be alone and that I just wanted my ex to give me attention. Over the course of 2018, after going to her house for the last time and not seeing her there, drinking till a dropped and not get any response from her, I decided to just stop and pick myself up because this is not me. I have become pathetic and desperate in every sense of those descriptions.