Unilateral promise..

Hon, I don't want to lose hope that we'll end up together. Maybe not for now but eventually. I can't believe I can belong to another as bad as I wanted to belong to you. And I don't want you to be with someone else. There is no denying that I can't get the peace that I need without you in my life so I'm telling you this. Mag-aral ka lang on 2017. Let's become the person we deserve during the time that we are apart. I will come for you on 2018, on the day you pass the bar. On that day, I promise that I will be the better person you deserve. I hope you still want and love me now and at that time. This is a unilateral promise and I don't expect you to be bound by it. I love you. I'm always yours.

Seeds Planted In Concrete

"2017 is the year to care — to take your life into your own hands.

2017 is the year you get out of your own way. The year you start to realize the potential you have swirling within your bones. 2017 is the year you don’t ask for permission, the year you put ideas out into the world like wildfire. It’s the year you create something that outlives you, that starts a revolution within your life. It’s the year you don’t take no for an answer.

2017 is the year to prove to the world that you have every reason to be in it — that you are allowed to take up space. It is the year you finally accept that you are the only person who defines your value in life, that you are the only person who defines your worth. 2017 is the year you believe, with ruthless passion, that you have purpose, that you are deserving of the things you wish for, that you are capable of achieving every dream they called too ambitious, or too big, or too difficult. Prove them wrong. Stand up for your desire, show them what you can do with all of that fire within you.

2017 is the year to simply give a shit. The year you care deeply about the things you’re producing, the relationships you are curating, and the life you are building. It is the year you tell people how you feel, boldly and confidently. It is the year you show up for yourself; the year you celebrate the people who chose to stay in your life rather than lament over the ones who left. 2017 is the year you overwhelm yourself with feeling; the year you don’t apologize for how you shine, the year you don’t quiet the intensity of your heartbeat.

2017 is the year you jump, even when your legs are trembling."

Desperada ka pa rin..

Move on quietly, love yourself loudly.

"When someone breaks our heart, we so desperately want them to know how much they hurt us, thinking it will change something. But it doesn’t. They can respond emphatically, feel guilt, and hopefully learn how to avoid hurting someone so badly in the future, but your hurt isn’t going to change the situation and likely won’t make them feel anywhere near as bad as you do. Even if they did something horrible, they’re telling themselves whatever they can so they can feel better too, we are all always in survival mode- “They’re hurting now, but it’s what is best for them in the long run,” “It was unavoidable.” Whether their internal dialogue is true or not, we are experts at convincing ourselves that our actions are justified. Your pain is yours to work through, no person can be both the cause and solution of your hurt. Don’t be afraid of expressing it because it’s real and can be so overwhelming, but you don’t need to “prove” your pain, hoping for some sort of response. If anything, it will push them away further, and delay your moving forward. Ultimately, you don’t want to be with someone only because they don’t want you to be sad, or because they feel sorry for you. You shouldn’t guilt someone into loving you, and them pulling a lesson from the situation is their task. You work on your own."
— 

I can't understand.

I can't understand. It doesn't make sense. How can someone fall out of love that easily? How did we end up here.

From the start. It was not my fault but it felt like what I gave wasn't enough. It felt like I could have given more.

But that's the problem about giving. The person you have given so much wants more. And you can't possibly give it to them because you do not have the capacity to give it.

I don't want to hate anyone. I don't want to be bitter. I will get past this. I want to be able to talk about him without resentment. I believe that the Lord has a greater purpose why this had to happen.

Moving forward.

He was the hand I chose to hold for a lifetime yet he chose to remove his hold on me.

I choose to move on from this. I love him. I never knew I can love as intense as this. I don't know if I could love another like I did with him.

With me, he never could have second guessed because I would give him what he wants in a heartbeat.

With me, he has a friend he can trust and someone that listens.

With me, he never has to fear that he can't be himself because my nature is to accept people for who they really are.

It really didn't make any sense that we ended in that way. There are other reasons that really could have ended us, months ago, yet we kept on coming back to each others' arms.

I don't know why he picked something petty as this. I don't know why love wasn't enough to cover the hurt. I was able to forgive him because I love him. I don't know what really happened.

But I am ready to move on from this. I choose to move forward with my life. It is not giving up on our love but it is a process I have to go to change into a person I should've been and meant to be.

If he ever comes back, I would be firm at my decision to move forward. I had to second guess myself, my worth, my position in his life and my faith over and over because of him. I can't go through that again.

My commitment, at the beggining of the year is to love myself and be open to more possibilities. There is still time to shift that love to myself again. With the help of the Lord, I know I will be fine.

You are the biggest lesson of 2016.

I have so many reasons to be angry at you, at me, at us. But I don't know what to feel. Of course I want you back. Pero yung thought na pinipilit na kita. Yung ayaw mo na talaga. Yung galit ka sakin. Di ko alam dapat ko maramdaman. If I was so convinced that all I need is acceptance to move on from this, why does it feel like my world crushed down? Bakit parang pinatay mo ko? Ian, ganito ba kasakit yung ginawa ko sayo? Naiintindihan ko na. Hindi galit yung naramdaman mo. Sakit. Dahil parang sinira ko buong pagkatao mo ng biglaan. Yung sobrang sakit gusto mo nalang tapusin lahat para tumigil ang sakit. Ian, sorry. Naiintindihan ko na. And now I understand why you finally had to end it. If it was me, I would have done the same thing. Yet love you from afar and never speak of us again. I can't say sorry enough to rectify the damage. Maybe I will still message/call you regardless if you read or not. I'm sorry. Truly sorry this time.

But my stand still remains. I love you. I will always love you. You are the biggest lesson of 2016.

I will love you. I eill always love you.

Ian, I never questioned your gender. Tumakbo sa utak mo lahat ng yan. Wala akong ginawang masama sayo. And even if I admit to it, hindi pa rin maaayos. I can't say that enough to make you believe it because something went on in your mind. I wanted to get involved with your life so I can understand because I am determined to stay. I am not eager at labeling you by gender because to me, you are the person that I love and my soul connected with you from the moment I saw you. But it's you that wanted more. I am never enough. I am always wrong. It's you that is always comparing me. It's you that have so many expectations, not me. My love was never enough. So I agree, mabuhay na tayo ng normal. Hindi, mabuhay na tayo ng naaayon sa kanya kanya nating pinanggalingang mundo kasi hindi na pwede yung mundo natin. Hihintayin pa rin kita. Hindi para bumalik sakin pero buksan ang mga mata mo, totoong buksan ang mga mata mo. Mahal na mahal kita. Magingat ka. Good luck.

I will always love you.

I was going to send this in your email but it seemed that you deleted it at nakablock din ako sa fb and I don't even know if you will receive this, but nevertheless, I'm gonna text it to all your numbers saved in my phone and I doesn't matter if you bothered to read it or it pissed you off. I'm just gonna go ahead and say it.



How did we end up here? I'm still shocked, how fast it happened. One moment you want me and then the next moment, you want to fuck bitches. I miss you and I still love you but I don't want us back. All we did was hurt each other. We were never ready for each other. Yet we continuosly tried to make it work but it will never work because we are two different people that can't compromise and can't meet halfway. Like I always say whenever we try to part ways (and I guess this will be the last), I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to remember you as the selfish jerk that got me to act crazy (because I am already 50 shades of crazy). I want to remember you as my toughest lesson of 2016 and a big part of my redefining moment. I will not delete any of our last conversation that did not last for a month (Haha!). Even you number. Our chats and emails. This will serve as a reminder to me that time is fleeting and no matter how serious you are about a person, it will eventually end. We might have ended, but the lessons of this year will always burn in my heart. We will move on. Good luck on your bar. I hope we both make it. And when we see each other again, please, will you smile at me? Forgive me for wasting our time.

Because I knew you, I have been changed for good..

You don't realize it do you? You are selfish. Akala mo lang mabait ka sa ginagawa mong pagtahimik but all that does to me is build up all the hatred and hurt. My heart has been pushed to brim. Nasagad na respeto, pasensya at pagmamahal mo sakin pero di mo naisip na sa tagal mo na ko sinasaktan, bumabalik pa rin ako. Tama ka, dapat una pa lang ginawa mo na 'to para hindi na tayo umabot sa puntong to. Hindi mo narirealize yung mali mo kc palagi kong inaako ang kasalanan kung bakit tayo nagaaway. I hope you'll realize that you are selfish, you only think of yourself and what will benefit you. One way sex and staying silent,  do not mean selfless ka. Selfish ka because you don't want others to penetrate your thoughts and heart. Your respect, I have never felt it. There are other things to do in a relationship other than sex. You have redetermined the meaning of 'i miss you'. Telling me you miss me means you want to fuck me. Pag nakuha mo na, you are good for a long period until that itch comes back  and you'll miss me again. And I will just always be there because I'm just waiting for you to look at me, REALLY LOOK AT ME. When I tell you I miss you, nothing there involves sex. I longed for your heart. I longed for your soul. I have been wondering when will you let my soul out. When will you allow my mind to speak. When will you want to see me, get to know me, see the real me. When will I see you, the real you. So this is you? It's still scary but I still want you. I still want to peel all your layers and get to your core and still love you even in the process of hurting and losing a grip of myself. I love you. I have never imagined I could be selfless and be capable of this immense love for another person other than myself. You have been finding all your exes' faults in me but you can't yet you managed to find a greater fault that will end us.  Have I ever made you feel that you are never enough? Have I ever compared you with anyone? Have I ever made you feel insecure? I am consistent with my personality from the start. I am emotional. And I express how I really feel with words in an attempt to make you understand how I felt at times you hurt me. But you can't understand because you refuse to. In all our fights, were you able to think if you had caused the fight. Why am I so emotional? What triggered our fights? What caused me to tick? You weren't able, weren't you? You are self absorbed. You preferred the comfort of all the things you believe and standards you set for yourself to determine how they will treat you. If it's not in your checklist, it's unacceptable.

You are right. We don't need each other in our lives. I have to learn the extent of my capability to love and give in a hard way but I hope someday, you will realize that your selfisness, stubborness,  lack of empathy and fear of the light caused ALL your relationships to go down the drain. I will miss you. Because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

P.S. Seriously, keep the bar materials for now and send them back after the bar. If I wiĺl trust anyone to use its full potential, it's you. Please, grant me this one last request.

You're still the one..

I have a confession to make. Ever since I have heard Shania Twain's "You're still the one", I've longed for that kind of love. Since then, even unconsciously, I have been picky with the people I chose to spend time and invest my time and emotions with. Often times, I get heartbroken because I invest too much and I misunderstand.


As time passed by, I have learned to choose more wisely and to associate without much attachment. But when I met Ian, everything I know, everything I have learned from the past was lost and I am back to that little girl that hopes for a love described in "You're still the one".


I hope he is the one. I cannot imagine myself being in love with someone else with this kind of intimacy and intensity. I long to say, "After all this time, you're still the one I love". Regardless of the fights and heartaches and obstacles we face, I pray that we still choose to be with each other and still choose to fall in love with each other everyday.

I forgive you..

"I forgive you. you never apologized for everything that you ever put me through and you probably didn’t even notice any of it because people usually don’t notice things they dont care about, and thats what I was to you. I was just another person that existed, I was just another person that made you feel like you were worth something.
All you ever did was make me feel incomplete. I’d look at myself for hours until I could no longer recognize anything in trying to figure out why you don’t love me in the way I put love into you.
I always knew what I was to you but I tried to ignore it for so long, I convinced myself otherwise because when you know that the person that you love, does not even give a damn about you something inside you shuts off and I couldn’t deal with that and I didn’t want to accept that so I kept trying to see something that was never there.
I think thats what destroyed me in the end, knowing the reality of what we were but 7trying to look past that and find something that wasn’t there. I forgive you for all of it. I forgive you for the nights I stayed up crying because you chose her. I forgive you for leaving and then coming back just so you could leave all over again. I forgive you for the things that you said when you and i both knew you didn’t mean them. and I forgive you for using me to try and fill the hole that she left in you.
and now I forgive myself.
I forgive myself for everything that I put myself through. I forgive myself for letting myself believe that you really were the greatest part of me. I forgive myself for loving you when you weren’t worth a damn thought.
because after stepping away, I see it all so clearly now. After I accepted what I really was to you, everything else made more sense.
I destroyed myself in loving you and for that I am so sorry but when I say I forgive you, I mean I forgive myself, I forgive giving so much of myself to someone that didn’t care how my day was going. I forgive myself for all the hurt I endured."
—I have to let go, and to do that I need to forgive. (via fadedheartbreq)

Before I go..

I miss you.

When can I see you again?

I know what you'll be going through that's why I understand you even if you don't say it.

I can't be of any help to you, even the materials, you already have them. But tell me what you want and need. You already know how and when to execute your plan. You have been preparing for this so understanding you is all I can do. And I may not be in the country in 2017 (except the oath taking and signing of the roll).

My only request is that I be allowed to see you before you go full-on MIA. I need to take back something from you. I won't disturb you and I will give you back your time and space. I'll leave you be. If not before the year ends, I will understand. Goodluck! I love you.

I'm always gonna be soft for you..

That's the problem. I'm always going to be soft for you. I'm always going to want you in my life. Regardless of whether or not I become a lawyer. Or that my family opposes to our relationship if they found out about it. Or where life takes me. I'm always going to want you there in my life. Watching me. Guiding me. Caring for me. Loving me.

And it sucks that I'm scared of wanting you and relying on you because I don't like depending on anyone and adjusting for anyone. I'm scared that you're going to leave me. I fear the day that you don't want me in your life and that you no longer have the patience to try to understand me. I'm scared of losing you. I'm scared that if I don't make it, you're going to leave me. What should I do? I love you. Even when we fight, I still want you. 😔

Sorry.

I have to let you go..

Hon. I always misunderstand. And the other night was the clearest you can get, of the confirmation I was asking for, months ago. I think we should really be apart. I want you to meet the real me, apart from my bar year and decide if I am really your queen or if I can be your queen. I also want to feel more like myself before I reviewed for the bar and decide if I want us in my life because us is all I can think about now and see in the future. And your confirmation just broke me. So let's finish what we set out before we met. I am too emotional. You can't take it. We're both stressed so we should be apart.

It has taken a lot of me to finally let you go. Regardless of how we feel, I have to consider that 2016 isn't really our year and I have to stop forcing it. Focus on what we set out to do before we met each other. I can't do it if I am constantly hurting.

We remain friends. No more expectations on my side. I love you. 😊

I miss you.

Hon, I'm sorry for bursting out again. I know this time you're not coming back. Am I too hard on you? Did I pull you too hard that you wanted to let go and get away from me. 10 days nalang, tapos na ang bar month. Malapit na matapos ang 2016. I will never forget this year because this is the year that I took the bar. This is when you and I happened. This could've been our year. But at the same time, I want to forget it too. This is the year that I did not feel like myself. This is when we hurt each other. This is the year that we lost respect. This is when we ended. I love you.

I have never loved someone truer than this but I have to let go because mag-isa nalang ako. I am torn kung lalaban pa ba ko o tatahimik nalang ako. Mahal na mahal kita.

I can't wait to feel more like myself again. To think on things again and to not be guided by my emotions. I can't wait to take control of my life again. I don't know if you will experience it too but I hope you won't. I felt that my emotions took over this year because I had no opportunity and time to deliberate and contemplate on what was happening. I admit, I was so impatient. I was out of control. I was aware but I can't  do anything about it. Consìder it like your financial paralysis. You want to do things but you can't yet because you have a timeline to follow.

I know I can't justify how I felt and what I did when we were together, but I hope you will someday, somehow understand that the 2016 me is not the real me. I can't prove that because we've met at the strangest and most struggling year in my life and your previous relationship before me resembled a lot like the childish me.

We will move on. We will both make it. We'll be lawyers. I am excited to be friends with you again when all of this is over and the hurt, pain and anger have subsided. You are by far the most interesting person I have met. I will always be here if you are ready to talk again. Good luck on the bar. Call me for anything, literally anything. Thank you. I love you. 😘

Thank you.

Ayoko ng magalit. Ayoko na din masaktan. Ayoko na umiyak. Ilang beses ko na sinabi, hindi ko napapanindigan. But tonight, i will finally let go. Everything I said bago tayo naging okay holds true and standing again. Mali man o tama ang pagkaintindi ko sa sinabi mo, the truth remains, inaffirm mo ng tapos na nga talaga tayo. Natatawa din ako na naiinis ako sayo kapag di mo ko napagbibigyan, wala naman na nga talagang tayo, simula nung tinapos ko. Akala ko kasi meron dahil sa i love you, care and support na pinakita mo. Wala lang pala yun kasi nga matagal na nga pala tayong tapos. Naunblock na kita because I'm just detaining myself to the thought na baka magtext o tumawag ka and you cannot get through because nakablock ka where in fact di naman totoo. Kung ikaw, nawalan na ng respeto sakin, mas lalo ako sa sarili ko. Di naman kita sinisisi kasi hinayaan ko lang na kontrolin ako ng nararamdaman ko sayo. Sorry ha, minura kita, hindi ko ugali yun. Hindi ko ugaling nagagalit at matindi talaga yung galit na naramdaman ko kagabi. Matagal na hindi nangyayari sakin yun at ayoko na sana maulit. Binabawi ko, thankful pala akong nakilala kita because I learned things from you. Bonus nalang na nagmahalan tayo, kung totoo nga na nagmahalan tayò. Anyway, titigil na ko. Sorry at salamat sa lahat ha. Ingat. Good luck sa bar!  See you around.

Ayoko na.

That is the lowest you made me feel. Putangina. Thank you ha. Ayoko na. I did all of that because I thought mutual pa. Putangina. Malandi nalang pala ako sayo. I don't do that to anyone. Hindi ako naghihintay ng papatol sakin. Hindi ako kung kani kanino lang pumapatol. Kung nakuha mo man ako ng mabilis dahil yun sa mahal kita.

Ian, di ko naisip na magagawa mo yun sakin. Mas inisip ko pang mangangaliwa ka kesa sasabihan mo kong malandi. Ito pala yung totoong gigising sakin. Malala ka na. Wala kang pakialam sa masasaktan mo. Buti nalang klinaro mo na matagal na tayong tapos.

I love you.

I love you. I need to be away from you but I love you. Intense ako. Di ko yun mapigilan. I always want what I want when I want ìt. And I get very frustrated when I don't get it. I know its childish but that's just me. I can't wait. I am impatient. And I will always want control or at the very least, make me feel that I am in control. I want you. I will always want you. I hope dumating na yung time na hindi na ikaw ang hinahanap hanap ko. Ramdam ko ng ayaw mo na sakin kaya sana dumating na yun para di na ko masaktan.

The Hardest Thing..

I had gone through so many struggles in my life, akala ko, law school na yung pinakamahirap na hinurdle ko sa buong buhay ko, until bar review. When we graduated, I thought the Bar was the hardest thing I have ever have to hurdle in my entire life tapos lahat na ng struggles, lahat na ng problema kaya ko lagpasan kasi napatunayan ko na sa sarili ko na kayo kong maging abogado, kaya ko ano man yung gusto ko mangyari sa buhay ko. Pero hindi pala. Reviewing for the Bar while getting over you was the hardest thing I ever have to do. Getting over someone I thought was my future. Someone who had my best interests at heart. Someone who finally understand me. This is, by far, the hardest thing I ever have to do. Ang hirap! Sobrang hirap! Yung hindi ako pwedeng makaIimot ng kahit isa sa mga naaccumulate kong knowledge these past months but at the same time I have to forget about you. Everything connected about you. Everything I dreamed and planned about you. The future I wanted with you.

Sorry Ian, I just miss you so much. Kelangan ko 'to ilabas. Hindi pwede sa iba. Ayokong masira ka sa kanila. Di ko naman hawak mga isip nila kung anong magiging interpretation nila sa sasabihin ko kaya sayo ko nalang sinasabi. Sorry, di ko kasi kayang sarilinin eh. I am still in the process. Alam kong possible eh. Nakita ko sayo. Nahirapan ka makaget-over kay Val pero naging possible.

Thank you because I know you are still there for me. I know you are a trusted friend and I can't wait to be casually talking to you. I can't wait to remember you and not be hurt by the mere thought of you. Hanggang ngayon kasi masakit pa rin, kahit minsan nalang tayo magkatext at bar-related lang, masakit pa rin sakin na ganito na tayo ngayon, though I understand that you can't be with me.

How did we end up here? I shouldn't have pushed for more when you asked me to watch that movie. I shouldn't have spent the Holy Week with you. We should've stayed friends because I haven't met anyone better than you at everything. Even when I'm in pain, even when you were the cause, you are still the remedy I seek.

Frankly, I don't know how to get over a heartbreak such as this. But someday I will. Today and from the last day I saw you I still miss you. I cannot imagine being in love with anyone like I did with you. But I will try again, someday.

And now, back to the Bar. :)

Novembar Blues 1

This weekend reminded me again why I don't want to have a husband and kids.

It all started as me just being annoyed of the Family drama on my father's side. Also because I love my family so much that I am somewhat ashamed that we will get the reputation of my relatives.

Ever since we were kids, they're (Papa's siblings) are already in a cold war until it broke down to so many family feuds. Like Tita Lea would be fighting with Kuya Do or Kuya Do and Tita Lou or Tita Lea and Tita Josie. And the root of this is money and greed. I don't know how they manage to fight with their siblings and overlook their family ties just because of greed. I cannot imagine fighting with Grace about something so trivial as that. I cannot imagine fighting with anyone about something so trivial. I cannot even imagine fighting with my sister. Our fights are normal sibling quarrels that patch up after minutes or hours or with us, just by changing the topic and not talk about it anymore, after that we're okay.

I want to be a bride. Maybe I also want my own family. It comes out of the conversation with my parents. Maybe I haven't really accepted the fact that I am for a married life.

Earlier this year, I got involved with a same-sex relationship. Maybe, a part of me decided that I wanted something like that is because I don't want others to get involved with our family drama. I don't want to burden my kids with the stress of having to deal with the drama of being in this family. I act that I do not care but I deeply care, I am so emotional and I am so sensitive. Like right now, i am crying about I don't know what.

I loved Ian. I did. But maybe he's right all along that I do not know what I want. And meeting him was so that I can sort my shit through.

I don't know, maybe it is because of the Bar that I haven't gotten my shit straight. I always known what I want and how to get it and to not give a fuck, even on situations that calls for me to care.

I can't wait for this month to end so I can finally sort through my shit and map out my future plans again.

Lord, please help me. Give me everything that I need to survive and pass the Bar Exams and to be deserving of the blessings that you are giving me. I believe You have a wonderful plan for me. Amen.

This Is My ‘Thank You’ To You, And This Is My Goodbye

The most painful goodbyes are the ones that were never said or left unexplained.

I want this to be my goodbye—the sun had already set for us and the morning star can’t light our way out of the dark night. The senseless crashing of the waves against the shore echoes the rage deep within me but I have nothing left to fight about and the horizon is draped in red and orange and yellow, a tapestry of a perfect illusion, something that we can’t replicate anymore.

We have carelessly thrown the words out and left each other beaten and hurt beyond repair; destroyed each other beyond recognition.

I understand we are still in the process of growing up, fixing ourselves with the broken pieces that our previous affairs left us with. But growing up means we are going to lose people whom we thought will stay, people whom we thought will accept the series of good and bad in us, people whom we thought will catch us when we fall. And no books or TV series or Antoinette Jadaone movies can prepare us for those crashing moments.

I know growing up is also giving ourselves the chances we deserve. But a part of me knew that the moment we started giving chances are the same chances that crashed the foundations we’ve built and we’ve found each other in this kaleidoscope of loud, worn out heartbeats that no longer sync.

Our happy memories, no matter how colorful and taunting, can no longer help advance our relationship forward.

I guess, partly, I am to be blamed because I thirsted and hungered for more when I knew I shouldn’t. But perhaps, you are to be blamed as well because you never opened up and accepted me for my flaws when that’s all I ever wanted to begin with. The nuances that we have drew a fault line that shook violently and left us crumbling down.

Perhaps there is a reason why we were drawn together for a brief period of time and we are destined to fall out eventually. With you, I learned how to be strong and how to face the world alone. I’ve experienced feelings that were once alien to me, feelings that I needed to process and understand and define. With you, I saw the world from a different perspective.

You taught me how to find the person that I am today; the version that I never thought would be me.

I wish I could know what you learned from me. But you have a different way of dealing with things. I wish I could know how I’ve impacted you but I dare not ask. I believe that there are things that are better left unsaid.

In this moment, there is no Begin Again or If Ever You’re In My Arms Again. There’s just Last Kissand All Too Well. We can no longer save the sinking ship, we can no longer stop the growing wild fire, and we cannot force the storm to weather. We have grown tired and we are afraid of giving it another try because we know we can’t say hello without risking another goodbye.

So let this be it, my farewell to the past we shared.My goodbye to you. I guess this is where we end. No more road-blocks. No more anxiety. Let’s give each other a breather. Let’s give each other a break. 

Thank you. I love you.

"Habang ikaw ay naririto sa dibdib, ipaglalaban ko'ng ating pag-ibig. Sa lahat ng paghihirap at pasakit, ako'y handang magtiis. Hangga't di kita lubusang maintindihan, aaminin ko ang aking pagkukulang."

Ito yung kinakanta ko kapag wala na maintindihan sa mga inaaral ko sa Law School before, lalo na sa Civ Pro.

The study of Law is much like being in a relationship. Napakadaming hugot sa batas na pwedeng irelate sa relasyon. Ang dami ko ng nabasang pwedeng irelate sa mga pinagdadaanan ng mga kaibigan ko or pinagdadaanan ko.

Anyway, kanta ko din yan sa mga taong mahal ko. Lalo na kapag di ko na sila maintindihan. Kapag mahirap nanaman sila mahalin at ang sarap i-high five ng monoblock sa muha. :D

Iintindihin kita kasi mahal kita. Kakayanin ko kasi mahal kita. Hindi tayo pero hindi naman ibig sabihin nun hindi kita pwedeng mahalin. I guess I will always be a little bit in love with you. Lalo na I had many firsts with you. Pero hanggang dun nalang yun. Hanggang dito nalang tayo. We part ways here.

Gusto ko na kasi maging masaya. Humihingi lang ako ng closure sayo because I want peace. I know now that you will never give me that. You will let me live wit the guilt that I ruined us. But hon, sana narealize mo na yung mga mali mo, starting with Val and your exes thereafter, and me. I know okay ka lang na mag-isa, pero wag mo ijustify sa sarili mo na kami ang palaging mali kaya ka naiiwan. Realize that you are the problem. I don't know about them, but you are my problem.

Tinanong mo 'ko dati kung bakit di pa ko lumayo. I guess I was waiting for you to realize na mas mahirap intindihin yung ugali mo and that you love me to much to change for me. Kaso hindi eh.

Pero okay na. I will always miss you. Maybe I will still send you a message from time to time. Maybe I will still call you. But I will try not to. Please don't change your number anymore.

When I look back at the year that I took the bar, I will think of you and how happy you made me and made me realize tht I am capable of the things I thought I can't do and it was because I loved you and I have been loved you.

Thank you. I love you.

Please help me.

Lord, is this a phase? Do I really need to get through this? When I think of my future and I look at the year that I took the bar, it's really a gruesome year for my body and my heart. Why did I have to meet Ian this year? Why did I have to fall in love with him? Why did I have to go through this? Why did it have interfere with my review?

Lord, i am not questioning Your wisdom. I know you have a reason for everything. Please enlighten my mind and my heart so I can understand why these things happened to me. Please help me.

Lapses

Huli na 'to..

Matatapos din lahat ng 'to. Makakabangon din ako. Makakalimutan din kita. Ngayon nasasaktan ako, nahihirapan at madami pang halo halong emosyon. Siguro ikaw din. Napakahirap sakin na parang tayo pero hindi tayo. Hindi ko yun kaya Ian. Nasa high school ba tayo para maghintayan? Ang alam ko matagal na natin naabot yung tamang edad. Black and white lang ako. Sinubùkan ko sa grey area. Napakadaming bagay ang hindi ko naintindihan. At di ķo yun pwede isabay sa bar. Ikaw din, napakadami mong iniisip, di mo pwede isabay sa bar. Ayoko ng wala akong naiintindihan. Ayoko ng wala akong kontrol. Ayoko ng pakiramdam na nakadepende ako sa desisyon ng iba. Kung may choice lang ako ngayon, ako na susuporta sa sarili ko. Narealize ko, kahit gaano pa kita kamahal, di ko kaya maghintay lang sa kung kailan mo ko kakailanganin, kakausapin at papansinin. Hindi ko kaya na wala ako sa priority list mo habang ikaw kinoconsider kita sa lahat ng pangarap ko. Hindi ko na rin gusto marinig at intindihin yung mga pinagdadaanan mo habang ikaw ang dali lang sayo baliwalain yung emosyon at mga pinagdadaanan ko. Hindi ako selfish, alam mo yan. Sanay tayo ng wala tayong kasama kaya panahon na para totoong maghiwalay tayo. Huli na 'to. Ayoko na. Di ako galit. Ayoko na may maramdaman.

To quote something from the blog post you sent me before, "She knows when to stop, when to let go and when to start, when to drop the cowardice and when to fight for love…" I know now that I have to stop waìting for you, I have to let go and start living a life without you. I don't have to be scared to live a new life without you because now, I am done fighting for your love.

I want you now

I want you now.

I want your tongue in my pussy. I want you to kiss me again intensely like there's no tomorrow. I want you to make cum that body shaking orgasm.

I know you can.

I want to be a real citizen of the world.

I want to be an international lawyer, deal about issues on a global scale. Look at the world as a whole because I believe that the world issues are interconnected and we should look at it in a bigger picture, on a global scale.

I want to be a writer. I want to write about things that matter. Things that make us who we really are. Things that make sense. Things that will make us figure out what we really need and love and how to get by with life in a world such as ours.

I want to be an events organizer. I want to see the look of happiness in people's faces when they see that their ideal events happen, when their ideas come to life. I love seeing my ideas come to life. I love making other people happy and that I made it possible for them to be happy even for just a little while, in that event.

I also want to travel. I want to meet new people. Get to know their native language. Immerse in their culture. Learn their way of life.

I want to be a real citizen of the world.

When this is over..

I promised myself that I would hold my heart back for a little while longer. But I struggle in not telling you that I love you.

I still want you to feel that I care. I want you. I want us but I don't say I love you anymore.

There are a lot of things that I want to do with you after all of this is over. I want to see you and talk to you everyday because I miss you everyday. I want to kiss you and make love to you as often as we can, as long as we can.

But I know, the day that I see you again, the moment that we touch or kiss again, I'll be wanting for more. I'll be selfish again. You are addictive! 😂😂😂

So for now, I don't want to see you yet. I'll leave it to fate and to you if you want to see me too. If you can't make it to the send off, it's okay. If we won't see each other during the Bar month, it's okay too.

Bar muna. Pangarap muna. Next time nalang tayo kapag totoong oras na natin.😊

How dare you use the word never!

How dare you use the word never!

You never loved me. You never cared. You never tried to know me.

Huling Paalam..

Binalikan ko yung mga previous conversations natin this week, pati email ko, pati mga previous emails ko sayo. Klaro naman na eh. Ako nalang 'tong gagang umaasa at desperada na. Malinaw namang ayaw mo na.

Hindi na mahalaga kung gusto mo pa. Sa totoo lang, hindi na maganda yung nangyayari sakin. Hindi lang naman ikaw ang may kasalanan dito. Mainly, ako talaga 'to, kc pinabayaan kong umabot sa ganito. Pinabayan kong magkaroon ka ng malakas na hold over me. Pinabayaan kong mawala yung totoong ako.

Hindi mo kasalanan entirely kasi hindi naman sana nangyari 'to sakin kung hindi ko hinayaan di'ba? Naging mahina ko. Sabi ko sa umpisa, hindi ko gustong mawala yung ako sa relasyon natin, pero yun yung nangyari. Pero buti nalang hindi pa huli ang lahat. Pweede pa rin naman natin siguro respetuhin ang isat isa. Magiging abogado tayo parehas in the future. Kaya tama lang na magfocus tayo sa mga goals natin sa buhay.

Hindi na mahalaga ngayon kung gusto ko pa ba, o kung gusto mo pa rin ba, ang importante, magiging abogado tayo. Ako sa 2017, ikaw sa 2018. Walang ibang mahalaga ngayon kundi ang Bar.

Salamat sa lahat ng tulong, pagpapasensya at pagintindi. Tingin ko naman magiging friends pa rin tayo, hindi pa nga lang ngayon. Pero okay tayo, db? Anyway, good luck satin!

Good bye.

Ian,

Today, I woke up to another realization that you are gone. You are too far gone. So I decided to not feel this pain anymore. I have to move on. If you won't give me peace, it's okay. It's going to be okay.

Bago natin 'to sinimulan, sinabi ko na sayo na baka makaapekto 'to sa review ko, na kaya kita paulit ulit na binibitawan, dahil baka masira ako. Oo, makulit ako kasi pabalik balik pa din ako sayo. At tinatanggap mo pa rin ako at napaniwala mo nga ako na baka totoong mahal mo nga ako, na baka kakampi nga kita. Baka totoo, hindi ko na alam. Hindi ko din maintindihan kung bakit tayo tumagal ng 5 buwan na ganun. Sa tuwing aalis ako, at tatanggapin mo ko, nabubuwag ang mga pader na matagal kong ginawa para protektahan ako. At ngayon, wala na sila, wala ka na, sira ako. Pero sana may natira pang ako dahil kailangan magpatuloy ako. Magpapatuloy ako. You don't destroy the people you love. This goes for me too, so, I'm sorry if I have destroyed you in any way.

I don't know what happened last June but that is when I felt something changed. There are still questions in my mind that I don't know if I'll ever get the answers to. Mahal na mahal kita at ikaw lang ang gusto ko. But I must move on. Pagod na ko umiyak. Pagod na ko hintayin kung magkakaintindihan pa ba tayo. For months, ikaw lang ang ginusto ko. Ikaw lang. Mali ko din na pinaikot ko ang sarilo ko sayo. Akala ko kasi magkasama pa tayo eh. Mag-isa nalang pala ako kasi pinili mo din na mag-isa ka nalang. Pwedeng mali tayo, sa simula palang.

Sorry ha, pero ayokong mabitter, ayoko ng may maramdamang kahit ano kapag maiisip kita o maalala ko tayo, even remotely connected with you. Call me heartless again, but I want to treat as if it never happened, we never happened. Hindi ko na kayang masaktan at malungkot araw araw sa reality na wala ka na talaga sakin.Hindi ko na kaya isipin kung babalik ka pa ba. Hindi ko na afford maout of focus dahil alam mo naman, iniisip kita. Hindi ko alam kung para sakin tong ginagawa mo, hindi ko alam kung anong intensyon mo, pero isa lang ang alam ko ngayon, nasasaktan ako, ilang buwan na rin naman na pakiramdam ko, single ako. I want to move on. We were classmates. Period. I will move on. As we said, focus on the Bar. I hope not to see you in court in the future.

Iintindihin pa rin.

Gusto ko lang naman na sabihin mong mahal mo pa rin ako. Na ako pa rin. Ako lang ang babae sa buhay mo. Na wala kang iba. Ako lang ang gusto mo. Pero wala. Wala eh. Busy ka, malamang di mo napansin yun. Nagaaway na tayo, trabaho pa din inuuna mo. I love and hate that about you. Hay.

I miss you everyday.

“I miss you when something really good happens, cause you’re the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, cause you’re the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh & cry, ‘cause I know that you’re the one that makes my laughter grow & tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you the most when I lie awake at night, & think of all the wonderful times that we spent with each other.”

Like George Clooney.

Today, I decided to give another shot. Pagod na ko umiyak, malungkot at mastress sa mga shortcomings nya kaya titigilan ko muna ang pagiging emotional at magpapakarobot muna ako. Wala naman ako magagawa kasi kelangan nya talagang gawin yun. Hindi ko pa naman sya kaya ipareview. Iintindihin at mamahalin ko nalang sya. I will shut down emotionally. Like George Clooney.

Coming soon..

"You leaving wasn’t the end of the world. I thought it was. that day you left, I thought it was the end of the world. but I eventually stopped crying and I got up off the floor and I woke up the next morning. it was not the end of the world, the sun had not exploded, nor had the continents been swallowed by the ocean.

I thought you leaving was the end of the world, and maybe it was, in a way. you leaving was the end of that world, that world with you and me in it, together. I think that world still exists, just not here. but in this world I got out of bed and chose to wore a blue shirt and shorts and I made myself cereal for breakfast and when I checked my phone and I didn’t have a text from you, it felt like the end of the world all over again.

I cannot tell you how many times it felt like the end of the world, like when I saw your face again and there was a vacant of feeling. I went home that day and I cried so hard I forgot to breathe. but I got up again and washed my face and I took my medicine and I went on with my life because the world doesn’t stop just because you broke my heart. the world doesn’t work that way. if your heart is broken that is your problem and you have to find a way to make your own chest stop burning because the earth is going to keep revolving around the sun and time doesn’t have sympathy for anyone."

Mahal na mahal.

Mahal kita hon. Mahal na mahal. Wag mo pagdudahan yun please? Hindi ko problema yung time, di ka naman nagkukulang dun. Alam kong busy ka. And I am grateful na may oras ka sakin despite the many things that you have to do. Ang sakin lang, be sensitive at times. Hindi lang ikaw ang stressed at pagod. Mas matindi nga lang yung sayo kumpara sakin but still, stress pa rin yun. May mga times that I'll be too stressed that I can't listen to you release your stress or make you feel loved and appreciated but that doesn't mean I don't love you. I have so much love to give, enough for the both of us. But at times, when the stress is too much, I want to feel loved by you too. Sorry, I know I can be very difficult to love and understand. Please, don't give up on me.

Wow. Ikaw na talaga.

I will love you, I will love you, and I will love you

“I promise to love you:
at 6am when you’re waking to go to work, to school, or whatever road life takes you on, and when you didn’t sleep well, your hair is a mess, and your eyes are sleepy.
at 8am when we say goodbye for the day and you’re rushing out the door with a cup of tea and your car keys in the other hand.
at 5pm when you’re exhausted from the day and people have worn you out and you feel like crying, and falling asleep and escaping from everything. I will kiss your forehead, and wrap myself in your arms.
at 10pm when you’re heading to bed, even though you won’t sleep for hours. Especially when we become a human knot wrapped up in sheets and kisses.
at 3am when loneliness and sadness do not destroy you, but consume you and when you weep without an explanation, I’ll kiss your lips softly and tell you you’re the absolute best and that things will be better soon
I will love you when you grow old, and I will love you after that. I will love you if I’m no longer here. I will love you, I will love you, and I will love you.”
—@rs.goal

Umayos ka.

Sabi ko na, sakin mo nanaman ibabaling ang sisi eh. Putangina, kung gusto mo na patulan yang office mate mo, go ahead. Handa ka naman na dati pa na mawala ako sa buhay mo db? Hindi lang ikaw ang pagod at stressed. Umayos ka.

Hot, intelligent bad ass and kick ass lawyer

Kinaya ko, in 7 months, ibalik yung katawan ko, 4 yrs ago. Mabagal kasi di ako makapagworkout. May 5 months pa bago matapos ang taon. I hope I can achieve my body goal for this year, tapos next year, achieve my ultimate goal, hot, intelligent bad ass and kick ass lawyer by june!

I miss you but you can't know

Dear you,

Alam mo ba, pag naiisip kita, dati, sobrang saya ko, pero lately, masaya pa rin naman ako pero naiiyak na 'ko. Nasisira focus ko. Pinipilit ko naman wag ka na maisip kaso ang hirap. Lalo na pag pagod na ko at may masakit sakin o malungkot na ko o stressed na ko tapos ikaw lang yung gusto ko makaalam pero ngayon ayoko na malaman mo kc ayoko dumagdag sa stress mo. Miss na kita. Sana andito ka sa tabi ko ngayon.

In his eyes..

She is, indeed, different from the rest.

He sees in her, the person, not just the name, not just the words, not just the hobbies and interests, but the thoughts and emotions.

He describes her as one of a kind.

She is not much into emotional stuffs, which he thinks, is not common in the femme world. She watches romantic movies, to accompany her single girlfriends, reads romantic pocketbooks, but he doubts if these satisfy her want or she reads it just to see if the books can trigger in her the same emotions shared by her girlfriends.

He knows that she loves reading so much, but from his observation, it seems that her main reason is to gather some thoughts,more perspectives, more ideas, it can always be proven by the way she engages herself in a conversation, not so emotional, but more logical.

She, oftenly seeks the reason and the logic for an action or decision, well, he thinks that she has that mastery of her emotions… but she always says, its not always that she wins over herself. There are also times of downfalls, but she tries her best to minimize it.

If at times, an action or decision seems more of emotional urge than the logical one, she never let her tongue do the judgement right away. She welcomes everything as she says that we have differences, and understanding should always bridge the gap.

She can stay and sit for number of hours in the park observing people. She can sit for a day interacting with nature by feeling the sunshine and staring with the goldness of the sky as the sun bids goodbye. She can lie down at the field staring at the moon and amazed by the beauty of the stars.

She is not much into expensive apparels, nor impressed with the financial stability of the guy. She does not weigh the value of the person on where he dates her, nor if he pays for everything. She is always willing to give her share, and never fails to see the principles ruling him. She is, indeed, independent.

A date with her can be considered more of talk of the minds, than talk of the hearts. She reveals her thoughts on different topics, even those we oftenly ignores as they appear something very usual to capture or bug our minds, but it does, at least with her.

She even breaks the silence during a coffee date by answering her ringing phone to attend to a friend who is in need of her opinion or advice. He is totally amazed. How come a very silent person can earn all the trust and confidence in this world, without trying so hard, without pleasing them… for simply being herself…

She even breaks in him big jokes. That make him laugh so hard, and even give him a sudden frown. For behind her joke is the sad message, a bite of reality that most of us totally ignore.

People may not understand her, for she doesnt explain her side. But for a reason he does not know, he understands her. There’s this something they name as “connection”, and that damn great feeling sweeps him everytime that his thought is in unity with her. The presence of that hope that they can be soulmates, or more.

She is different. For she doesnt speak much of her emotions regarding the mishaps, tragedies and disasters. She keeps her lips in silence and with her hands into action. Yes, she doesnt weep, but she will see to it, that her hands are extended and in reach of the victims. She is a woman of deeds and not of words…

She’s uncommon. Proving questions are thrown in him that, at times, he thinks that she is gauging his logical abilities. But not really. She just want to know his thoughts on issues. She wants to know more so she can understand. She is just checking on the other side of the coin. Several times that he failed to see where their conversations would lead, or if ever it will end, but he ends up unaware of the enjoyment it brings. That he already spent number of hours “making love” with her mind. He can stay up the whole night discussing things with her, an open communication on worthy topics.

She’s distinct. She may not be the typical sweet girl who whispers the sweetest phrases in this world. Whenever he asks her why seldom she speaks of sweet nothings, she would always answer that she is just concern and doesnt want him to be diabetic. Afterwards, she would laugh. Her laughters is the sweetest music he can ever heard. Her sweetness is enveloped. She always say that he needs to dig more, to think more, because its healthy for the memory. So he will avoid alzheimers that may eventually strike her off his mind. She is indeed sweet, in a very different way. She wont even tell him how thankful she is to have him around nor wont let him feel that he is her Adonis. But despite all of these, she can make things balanced. She understands the weeping and the jealousy of the flightless bird. That she can make him feel that they can both fly. That they can achieve something as individuals or ass partners. That he can always stand everytime he falls. She sees and accepts even his flaws, and makes way and encourages to bring out the best in him. She believes in him.

She can make him feel secured even if he’s not by her side, for she is not the type who can be easily swept by the sweet words. Who doesnt easily believe in words. She doesnt seek her happiness and worth into someone else’s life. She finds it within her. If she would love, you can not question her, for she can totally distinguish love from need. She knows that love is sharing and not a mantle to cover up the emptiness inside.

Maturity, sincerity and priorities are her checkpoints before she starts the fire. For she sees relationship as something that should be long term, and not a medication for the loneliness or emptiness.

She knows when to stop, when to let go and when to start, when to drop the cowardice and when to fight for love…

She is peculiar, sui generis.

This girl is not easy to find, and he believes that it would take him another lifetime to meet someone like her again. He needed to break the wall to have her.

But it’s all worth it… she’s that girl he will always be proud of, to be the definition of his life…

I was already there when you fell. But I wasn't ready for your fall.

Dear Ian,

I'm sorry for everything but most especially, for wasting your time. I was happy, more than happy, ecstatic even when you told me you love me. I was even more ecstatic and thrilled after we made love. Everyday I spent with you and for you are the happiest I have gotten in my entire life.

But as I have told you, this is all too consuming for me. I am happy, but, with that, comes the crazy side of me. I couldn't handle it. I can't afford to be crazy now. You now how stressful the bar review can get. And you know how crazy I can get (it's just the beginning).

I feel like I'm burdening you always and I feel a little less loved by you every time I get crazy. So before I review, before I get even crazier, while I still feel that you still love and trust me, even a bit, I am ending this, whatever this is.
.
I can't ask for you to wait for me. That won't be fair. You should be happy. When all of this is over, I hope we can still find each other and pick up where we left off. Thank you, I love you and I'm sorry.

Journey to permanent weight loss..

Motivation:
I want to lose weight because my graduation is coming up in 3 months and the pictorial is in 2 months. I also wanted to lose weight because I wanted to regain balance and control of my body so I can do more of the activities I want to do and can't do because of my balance problem. Also, because the bar exams are cooming up and I want to feel better and feel lighter while I study for the bar exam. Ultimately, I want to be a sexy, hot, intelligent, bad-ass and kick-ass lawyer in the future.

Give and Take list:
What will I gain from losing weight?

1. Balance and control of my body
2. Great mood and attitude
3. Better self confidence
4. More energy

What sacrifices are you willing to make?

1. Waking up early.
2. Giving up on eating junk food and colored drinks.
3. Drinking more water.
4. Working out daily.
5. Removing toxic people in my life.

to be